tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-136111642012-01-20T16:27:57.179-05:00Sometimes You Have To Put Your Big Girl Panties On And Deal With It!!Mellissanoreply@blogger.comBlogger4061100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-31738029224807822232011-10-11T12:45:00.000-05:002011-10-11T12:45:33.226-05:00

Work is so not challenging right now.  I can actually hear my hair growing and I can only "Google" so many things in a day to keep myself occupied. I am used to being in the mix.  I am used to USING my brain.  I don't know how much longer this will last for me....it's been over 30 days and I just can't sit in idle much longer!! Love, Bored lady sitting at desk with cute shoes and blank

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-73906222946164003192011-10-09T08:43:00.000-05:002011-10-09T08:43:56.814-05:00

I don't know why on Earth I can't get away from this!  My heart hurts and lingering in a place that only exists in my memory is really starting to make me mad!!  I function, but I think about this man every single day and I just don't have the room for it in my life right now, so it is becoming quite burdensome. I have been in Nashville for just over a month now, and I am tired.  My move and the

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-11311429073716983812011-09-29T09:10:00.000-05:002011-09-29T09:10:40.323-05:00

 Perfect Illustration!!  It is such a long drive to and from work.  Not so much in the sense that I mind the distance, but moreover in the amount of time it gives me to think about things.  I have 2 hours each day alone in the car and it seems that about 50 minutes are spent in each direction thinking about Tom.  My heart misses him and expresses it to my soul in a longing, memory-filled way,

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-15530509223309299962011-09-26T09:48:00.000-05:002011-09-26T09:48:25.461-05:00

The most precious human being on this planet......He makes my heart sing.  The love is impressive in its purity.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-26735462012306143902011-09-26T09:42:00.000-05:002011-09-26T09:42:20.742-05:00

I am happy we got a small "do over".  Sitting there next to you like a polite acquaintance was not the way I wanted to remember us, and I left with regret.  The day after was filled with many thoughts of you, us, me and the why's of so many things.  I kept swatting the memories away like flies, but they would return to buzz and cirlcle around me.  It was annoying and difficult, and I was mentally

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-81703176641716697902011-08-19T21:43:00.006-05:002011-09-29T09:32:20.921-05:00

I stand there watching you, committing your 50 something face to my mind. Your hands are in your pockets....why? Afraid you still want to reach out and touch me like you used to? There is a band playing tonight, some people are going and um, um,...yes, this is you still WANTING ME...still thinking you would rather spend that time WITH ME! Go on and do the right thing and let's see how that works

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-57859239396636432792011-08-16T10:32:00.004-05:002011-09-29T09:32:41.098-05:00

You stood there and talked to me about her and my ears were ringing.  I listened, I never offered an opinion.  What good would it do?  I just smiled and listened while on the inside I was screaming. She wants to continue the process, she has demands (what's new).  Let's face it, you want the fairy tale back and it is not going to happen!  Should you not ask yourself why you were unhappy?  What

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-82978655342489018602011-08-15T20:23:00.001-05:002011-08-16T05:56:43.787-05:00

I'm sitting out on the patio with Madonna blasting in my ears...not the old school poppy Maddy, but the new age hypnotic version. It's a dark and restful time. So let's get to my random thoughts, in no particular order, before I start playing Brick House and get in another mode....oops, too late...the song changed...and yes, I am ....mighty, mighty, just letting it all hang out.... I miss you

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-50942157611429861462011-08-13T20:33:00.002-05:002011-09-29T09:33:31.250-05:00

Evan and I had a wonderful day overall. I fell asleep with him for nap time and was sad for a few hours upon waking. I kept trying to shake it and finally succeeded after a trip to Liberty Park with Evan for an evening walk and a trip to feed the ducks and play on the playground. I read back through my blog from May 2006 and loved the images my mind retrieved while my eyes were digesting words.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-2446594123757783022011-08-13T08:34:00.003-05:002011-09-29T09:32:58.180-05:00

I woke up this morning with a peaceful heart and a sense of joy. The last couple of days have been difficult.  No ability to concentrate on work; only reflections and analytics.   Licking wounds, reminding myself of worth and core and self. My shoulders would begin to shake for no reason and tears would come.  I would go into the bathroom at work to compose myself, explaining to no one, certainly

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-42974600759350803662011-08-12T12:45:00.002-05:002011-08-12T20:57:24.287-05:00

To some I am a saint, to some I am a bitch.  Who knows what causes people to have the reactions they do to each other. I had a email recently that was beautifully written and expressed sentiments from a person's heart that I know were sincere.  I read it twenty times if I read it once.  One thing struck me and left a mark.  I am not special, I am not extraordinary.  I simply know how to love

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-8594061240227071852011-08-12T12:34:00.001-05:002011-08-15T09:36:46.038-05:00

I wonder if you noticed it?  It was 52 cents returned.  I held onto it from the night it was left on my bedside table.  It meant something to me.  It was a memory; a cherished momento. To some it might seem a silly thing to hold on to. You probably never even made the connection when it dropped from the bag of items I returned to you.  But I know it's not in the little dish on my table.  I miss

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-84124952843524396042011-04-25T16:28:00.004-05:002011-08-16T05:53:04.674-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how we get ourselves into the situations we do. What is the intangible really? What makes it almost polar in its gravitational pull? We can rationalize it, debate it over and over in our heads, run from it, balk at it, shake our heads in the non-reality of it, yet still there it is. This beautiful, unexplainable, unshakable force that draws you in, thoughts body and soul. I

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-41085967205474625652011-02-09T07:13:00.001-05:002011-08-16T05:53:30.633-05:00

I have this little favorite word from Evan. It is Gore. He is a boy and I am a gore. That is how he currently says girl, and it is the only word that isn't correct in his vocabulary....well, except for choo choo frain. He came home tonight and over supper announced that I am a girl, like squirrel and sounded it out proudly over and over and secretly I was really mad at his dad for correcting

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-16682460775365649512011-01-07T08:51:00.001-05:002011-08-16T05:53:49.972-05:00

I was thinking last night about how hard it can be at times to just be yourself, warts, un-popular opinions about trending subjects, personality, looks...the whole bag. I can't say I like it one bit or the impact it can have on a life. When you're shaping your views and reactions and thoughts to better suit popular opinion, you're letting parts of yourself die out. My new years resolution....

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-68948207592901412742011-01-05T07:58:00.002-05:002011-08-16T05:54:13.238-05:00

When one realizes the deficits in life, steps are very necessary to adjust. I have a new friend, her name is Sophia and she is much like me....I'm grateful to have her in my life to laugh with and to have hold up a mirror right in my face. As we began to get to know each other she would ask questions that I would go back and think on and realize the answer was no. No, I don't listen to music

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-18012698846544117432011-01-03T15:09:00.000-05:002011-01-03T15:09:41.752-05:00

The worst kind of hypocracy.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-1573372940852793862011-01-03T15:07:00.001-05:002011-01-03T18:57:17.444-05:00

I have to admit I am guilty of faking it. Every day....for three years. It's a very difficult thing to be a parent, and harder still when the person you are parenting with is, well, different from you to say the least. So, for the most part, I fake it, I bite my tongue, I act interested in things they say in order to keep a peaceful balance. But, there is the way I really feel most days, and that

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-73253853641888734822011-01-03T09:06:00.001-05:002011-08-15T10:04:59.043-05:00

Tap, tap, tap.... Just wondering if anyone can hear me....it has been a very long time since I practiced my writing. Just another little part of myself that I willingly let go under the auspices of blame to another. So, let's catch up, it's been a while since you've seen me... I am a bit older and I don't like my hair so much right now because it is mom hair and I knew better. I am a little too

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-54174745832443438232010-06-13T06:39:00.003-05:002010-08-18T07:53:52.154-05:00

I am in the middle of a real struggle, maybe it's age or some metaphysical turning point of a 42 year old woman (that sounded really weird). I just feel the need to say it like it is.  No sugar coating, no whiteness to soften the statement, no silence about something on the outside and mentally screaming it on the inside...you get me. The funny thing is, I am not mad at anyone or in the midst

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-31961576123046143052010-06-10T10:53:00.000-05:002010-06-10T10:53:45.673-05:00

I recently had a "conversation" with a person who I could tell was frenetic in nature but generally a nice person.  We were having a "conversation", but I noticed, quite quickly that whenever she paused at the end of a sentence and I attempted a response she would launch back into a train of thought about herself, not even realizing that she had cut me off mid-sentence.  After a couple of

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-41125214951810760462010-06-09T14:00:00.000-05:002010-06-09T14:00:31.244-05:00

It has been a very long 10 weeks as a Juror.  Every time I sit down in the courthouse my chest starts to flutter and I want to run.  The people at the Defendants table look scary, menacing and rather guilty....yes, I did just say that.  Yesterday I was chosen, again.  Aggrivated Robbery, we found him guilty and did so with a very heavy heart.  It was heavy because this was once a boy with

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-48134499083694847162010-06-03T07:01:00.000-05:002010-06-03T07:01:21.058-05:00

Some things in life just kind of amaze me.  First of all, I don't fall for that whole "Whoa is me, I need to talk about my marriage" line.    Let me go back a little by saying that I have a co-worker that wants to talk about his marriage issues at work (with me) and I just don't agree with it. I wonder sometimes if men thing women are really that stupid, and I wonder sometimes if a lot of women

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-11762866289940473082010-06-01T07:30:00.001-05:002010-06-01T07:36:26.191-05:00

Exactly three years ago yesterday I wrote a cryptic post to you all titled "Today".  I was just now going through the blog catching up on where I have been when I realized that I had written that May 31, 2007.  The post was short and simple.  It read:  "Today is the most significant day of my life.  I am alone."  I was alone at that time and place.  I had just found out that I was expecting Evan

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-67449709439657613692009-02-17T12:42:00.002-05:002009-11-07T07:54:12.532-05:00

One year ago today I said goodbye to Maggie. She was the greatest companion and I miss her terribly still. Maggie came to me the month I got divorced, and she walked with me in life until two weeks after my son was born. I know this sounds weird, but I had a sense that I was going to lose her in January, it was just a feeling that had no merit, but one night I was sitting in my office and

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-91218452646032005622009-02-16T06:21:00.006-05:002011-08-12T09:42:15.931-05:00

I lived with the knowledge of it for almost a year. I was still in the throes of a memory and not something that actually affects me today or the person I have come back to being secure in. Two years ago, I would never have been intimidated by anyone. That was always a good thing about me, I was a confident and secure person, a person who knew her worth. It was a value set into me by my parents,

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-74893009363526753472009-02-08T10:19:00.005-05:002009-11-07T07:56:01.806-05:00

Do you ever have those days where your just wickedly rotten to the very core? I am having one of those days today and mentally I am cracking myself up..I think my inner smarty pants comes out when I am cleaning and organizing around the house!I went to the movies to see "He's just not that into you" lame movie overall, but it reinforced some things about men and I think it is humorous how

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-69935513106583884692009-01-11T09:28:00.009-05:002011-08-12T09:43:40.397-05:00

I woke up a little off kilter this morning. I can't put my finger on exactly why but will suffice to say that I think I might be a turtle who popped it's head out of the shell, liked the view and then got scared. I have pulled my head back into my protective shell and think I might hang in here for a little while. I also want to address something to a reader. I read your entire email and I am

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-33845951179213428992009-01-04T08:29:00.009-05:002011-08-12T09:44:29.138-05:00

I had a lunch date on Friday with Tim. I guess for him persistence paid off and I finally just relented and said - "OK Lunch today at 11:45 at HRH Dumplins." I am glad I gave in and responded to his two month-long pursuit. Last night was our second date, dinner and drinks. He reminds me so much of Tim McGraw. He is a kind soul, a deep thinker, a single father of a 3 year old girl, a gentleman

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-3290155379611818222008-12-29T08:25:00.004-05:002009-11-07T07:57:07.645-05:00

It is a peaceful morning here at home. It started off with a quick prayer before my feet hit the floor at 5:30 to give Evan a bottle and let him settle back in for another hour of sleep.I have been battling illness for over a month now - and more so since Evan started daycare back in August. My body took a ton of hits with colds and being constantly run-down from the rigours of life. It all

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-59453172393126192332008-12-10T08:02:00.008-05:002009-11-07T07:57:33.416-05:00

Sometimes life is a big ol' stretch. I keep reminding myself that a good stretch from time to time is worth it, albeit hard on the muscles if you stretch too far too fast.We are ramping up for Evan's first Christmas and he is begining to take his first steps. He makes the cutest little face when he does it, very determined and focused and then he will just stop and clap his hands at himself in

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-11960563860605470412008-12-08T09:26:00.005-05:002009-11-07T07:57:47.927-05:00

I am sitting at my desk this morning before heading off to work. Jim Brickman is playing on the stereo and the melodies have stirred a set of heart feelings that are so deep inside of me.There is a love, like no other on earth that has entered my life. It seems that all my thoughts and the direction of my heart and my life are for Evan Samuel. When he is away from me, my heart aches and the

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-41909175346286999452008-11-22T08:22:00.008-05:002011-08-12T09:45:53.674-05:00

I woke up this morning thinking about how my life used to be. Not in a way that is unappreciative of the blessing of my son and the presence of him in my life, but of how I miss the markers and identifiers of the woman who is me. Is it OK to miss what was, to miss the parts of a life that you created that fulfilled you? Does it make you selfish to look in the rearview mirror and miss what you

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-82091133596163888572008-11-19T12:30:00.006-05:002009-11-07T07:58:45.320-05:00

Evan and I have had the crud. Well, actually Evan got it from Pierce and then Evan gave it to Mommy as a present!! We have both been to see the Dr. twice since Friday - UGH!Last night, after round three of trying to get sleepy Evan down for the night, we decided to just go in the kitchen and play in the fridge - I don't know why he loves to shop in there, but it is a favorite pastime. We buy

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-17542759787998226962008-11-16T11:58:00.009-05:002011-01-03T15:09:15.432-05:00

It all started out so busily at 6AM. Evan and Cooper were Paper towel bandits and I was just longing to ingest a cup of coffee and get a shower! The boys won out so on the floor we were, having a mini party in the kitchen. The house is quiet now, there is plenty of time to shower and drink some coffee and read and write and think about painting my toenails. Evan has gone to Daddy's house

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-38832528129692554892008-11-14T07:41:00.003-05:002009-11-29T11:50:22.129-05:00

I am really excited to tell you all that I have been asked to be a National Blogger for Skirt Magazine. So, with no further ado - I have to head on "over" and start my first blog for them.;-)xoxo,Bug

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-36440216112040553402008-11-13T07:30:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:50:41.725-05:00

Last night after work I came home to hang with Cooper and straighten up the house from the last two days with Evan. There is always lots to catch up on. The fact that it was foggy and rainy made me just want to crawl up into bed with the remote and stay there, but, well, um, k I had agreed to a date with Bachelor #2, Sam.So, I talked to Mitzi for a few, downed some Goldfish crackers as an

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-74664013292397811592008-11-06T08:05:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:50:54.649-05:00

Something amazing and interesting has happened over the last few days, something triggered it, but I am not sure why or how. Perhaps this change is as inherent and miraculous as the onset of a season, the way the trees know it is time remove the layers of old in preparation for new. It happened to me just the same.I went back and re-read Baby Steps and it simply did not apply as I thought it

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-83563916720774932192008-10-29T18:03:00.006-05:002009-11-29T11:51:06.904-05:00

In some ways, I watch my life mirror that of my son. The irony of the timing of certain events in his life and mine give me pause for thought.Evan is beginning to explore walking now that he has mastered crawling and can move about the house with ease. Walking forward is both exciting and frightening to him. He pulls up and looks around, he moves around objects he knows well with confidence,

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-45716808876330821152008-10-16T10:52:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:51:19.183-05:00

I went to see Evan early this morning to spend time with him and take him to school. I love watching him move his fingers and dance around and wiggle. He is so beautiful, so worthy of our very best. Look at the photograph of him - he is such a light and joy. He is worth more than he is getting.I look at my situation and I wonder sometimes about what he will know of security, of family values,

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-64946395255239445342008-10-14T06:09:00.006-05:002009-11-29T11:51:45.282-05:00

I think about getting another cocker spaniel - a little boy this time and naming him Milo. I look at the paper and I call people when I see puppies. Yet I never actually make the trip out to see one. I think I am afraid of it right now.I think about dating again - a man this time - specificlly Peter. I look at his emails and laugh, yet I never actually make plans to meet him - and he is a

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-17600292270939049612008-10-08T06:48:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:51:32.333-05:00

Well, it is official. My little Evan's first tooth has made its appearance! It cut through the gum sometime yesterday during the day. I was at Greg's house last evening working away and feeding Evan when he pulled his famous Bitter Beer (thanks Julie!) grin on me and lo and behold - a little white line was there.I teared up a little and hugged him and we had a little party in the kitchen with

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-63276575377510383172008-10-05T21:20:00.004-05:002009-11-29T11:51:57.737-05:00

I laugh a little to myself and I laugh at myself a little more often these days. I recognize that girl in the mirror a little more every day and I find that I still like myself and feel good about the future - a testament to the spirit God kept alive inside of me all these months.I have some regrets that I wasted time and energy on emotions other than for Evan this year. I guess I was just

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-43310891478930093272008-10-04T08:47:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:52:09.877-05:00

Today is the first Saturday in 8 months that I slept in. I actually was in bed until 8AM and I think I fell asleep last night the moment my head touched the pillow.I think about writing again quite often. I think about my blog like an old friend with whom I have parted ways but miss. I wonder about her and if she wants me back around or if too much has changed and we will be incompatible. So

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-8141024256845098842008-08-19T13:53:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:52:29.787-05:00

Dear Evan,You are such a bright spot in my life. I cannot believe the joy and love you have brought into my life.You are now almost 7 months old, it is hard to believe how quickly time has passed since I welcomed you into my life.You are in daycare now, and my heart aches that another cares for you during the day...I wonder often, do they really "care" for you and I pray about it all the time.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-2422924178449776772008-05-27T08:22:00.008-05:002009-11-29T11:52:41.518-05:00

Today I woke up happy. Today I feel at peace and I feel like I belong somewhere.Today my little son is happy and watching Disney characters on TV; mesmerized by the movement, colors and shapes. Sunday Evan rolled over for the first time. Greg called me in from the kitchen to witness the event. Our son is growing up so fast. Our son is beautiful and sweet. Our son is the miracle of our

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-107748569896240402008-05-04T23:45:00.004-05:002009-11-29T11:52:52.492-05:00

Dear Evan,There are no words to describe what is happening in life right now. You are laying in your crib, sleeping sideways; arms thrown above your sweet little head, slumber - peace and security are all yours tonight.Your Nanny prayed over you tonight and it brought tears to each eye in the room. She prayed for your future, for your life, for your health and your body to be sound. She prayed

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-56323804770894642962008-04-21T06:37:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:53:29.202-05:00

Each morning I wake up and smile at Evan. He smiles back this cute wide grin; no teeth, all gum - just like a little old man. That makes me smile back at him even bigger and away we go with me sticking out my tongue at him and he back then at me on and on. It is a wonderful game.I am off to shower and get suited up to interview.Happy Monday all,Mellissa

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-79910955554225042942008-04-18T21:24:00.006-05:002009-11-29T11:53:41.594-05:00

I am home in Atlanta again. It feels good to be among my things; three levels of memories and familiar textures. The photographs are of those who love me and have a history with me. Evan is fast asleep on my bed under the quilt my mom made for him. I love him more than I knew possible in this world. He is my family.I have an opportunity for work so I have returned home to interview on Monday

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-90201683421212024152008-04-07T10:19:00.004-05:002009-11-29T11:53:52.652-05:00

I must admit that I am afraid of what comes next. It is like standing on the edge of the high-dive platform, knowing that you cannot return to the ladder that will take you back to the level ground you once relied on. The next phase requires you to ease your foot towards the unsteady end of the long traverse, to bend your body towards the depths below and to lean forward into your free-fall.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-30129399409756614912008-03-28T09:43:00.005-05:002009-11-29T11:54:48.735-05:00

No matter what happens in life between to people, when they share a child there is an enduring tie that binds. You may not agree in principle with them or see life though the same eyes, but you decide to bridge the divide to provide love and care for each other, and in doing so you give peace to the one created together; you love more than each other and more than yourself.I am writing today

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-42949020283251851222008-03-26T08:42:00.007-05:002009-11-29T11:55:01.233-05:00

I have a new direction and it is both scary and exciting. I have finally let go of the past and it amazes me how easy it was to do now. I guess I just needed some time after the birth of my son to get the hormones back in balance after a year of them being estro-centric!!I have a job interview on Friday with a great company which will pay me in my range and allow me to secure a good future for

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-39498965130180602022008-03-25T08:28:00.006-05:002009-12-05T07:48:04.751-05:00

It is so hard to believe that it has been nearly two months since we met face to face. This Friday will mark the date, March 28th. So much has changed, you are growing daily and smiling and cooing and you recognize my voice and you turn to see me when I walk into the room. You have beautiful folds of fat around your long legs and cornflower blue eyes. I hope they stay that way. Your great

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-67898339479521219442008-03-18T07:53:00.007-05:002009-12-05T07:50:54.827-05:00

It is 9AM and I feel like it is 3AM. My eyes are rimmed with dark circles and I feel so tired that I could sleep while writing this. I only have a few moments as your hands are moving in your crib. It is a 50/50 shot that you will put yourself to sleep, or become bored and cry for me to make an appearance at your crib to talk to you. When you hear my voice you kick your legs and start to cry;

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-17248125499920130452008-03-17T08:26:00.005-05:002009-12-05T07:51:19.063-05:00

I love being a mother. I have never been more tired or looked worse in my life than I do on a daily basis now. Sleep comes in spurts and a good night of rest is a 4 hour stretch. My son is the light of my life and the purpose of all things I do now.The past is behind me now and the future is unknown, but promising for us. I read back on Evan's blog Saturday, back to the journey, the moments

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-64835050505359375942008-03-13T13:13:00.007-05:002009-12-05T07:52:30.828-05:00

Forgiveness is a process that I wish were easier to execute. It is like climbing a mountain or stairs to the top of a monument. Sometimes in the climb towards reaching the summit where blue skies are visible again, we lose our footing and slip backwards a few steps or have to stop to get our breath again before we can move forward. In the end, we want to reach the goal, the top, the pinnacle

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-16443378711621909062008-03-10T10:18:00.005-05:002010-02-08T00:15:27.299-05:00

I many ways I am adjusting to new. I have never had a love relationship with "new" and climbing the mountain again is a difficult process.I don't recognize myself at this time in my life. My eyes are rimmed from nearly a year of tears and coping, my skin is desensitzed from lack of touch, my body is changed from becoming a mother. I long to see myself again when I look in the mirror.In the

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-69539121398331272732008-03-07T15:16:00.002-05:002010-02-07T23:47:36.410-05:00

It was almost a year since that beautiful weekend, yet it is more than a lifetime ago. I ventured to Jackson, Tennessee to have one last time of sharing with a person who would change the course of my life; you see back then I was searching for the love of my life, never imagining the way it would find me. My son, Evan G. is 5 weeks old, and a product of that beautiful weekend.I find myself

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-65998586023315236672008-03-04T10:14:00.002-05:002010-02-07T23:48:12.705-05:00

It has been quite a year for me. I haven't written on my blog for a very long time, choosing to experience my pregnancy and the new course of my life in private instead of in full view allowed me to center and find myself a little better.I am now a mother with a lovely son who is 5 weeks old, his name is Evan and he is the miracle of my life.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-78408727652309244102007-10-16T13:53:00.000-05:002010-06-01T07:31:14.513-05:00

I was sitting this morning, just thinking about what a wonderful time this is in my life. I have a strength inside of me that I never knew was there and I feel so very proud of myself now. I have such tremendous joy now that you cannot believe!! Tomorrow afternoon I have my next OB appointment. The beginning of month 5 if you can imagine that - and, I will get to hear the heartbeat of my child

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-85826864644775921072007-08-29T08:46:00.006-05:002010-02-07T23:47:49.619-05:00

I am 18 Weeks pregnant today with our son. Today is the most significant movement I have had from little Evan. It is, as if there are a thousand feathers tickling the inside of my stomach. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt in my life and such a wonderful gift from Evan today. I had to pull the car over on the way to work to spend time feeling him this way for the first time.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-75374449123093997262007-08-27T13:41:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:55:04.364-05:00

Of all the strange things, my sense of smell (which was already acute enough to pick out your deodorant brand) has become soooo sensitive it is unbelievable.There is one thing that is starting to drive me crazy and that is the smell of dirty hair. I kid you not, I can smell unwashed hair from a mile away and all of a sudden the "non-washers" are eeeeveryhere. I am not talking washed it a day or

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-21083028296916087622007-08-25T11:27:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:48:21.517-05:00

I love buying little outfits for Bun (that's his new nickname by the way because I call him my little HoneyBun) I totally scored these Carter's shorties for the Spring/Summer for $2.50 each..ha ha ha!! Love that and yes, I plan ahead and buy ahead especially now that all the little Winter clothes are coming in which I don't really need because in Jan/Feb/March he will be in baby onesie's and

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-5991887751325112922007-08-25T06:31:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:47:58.381-05:00

Going to the OB is hard for me in a way, or I guess I should say going is exciting, sitting in the lobby with all the Happy Mama's and Proud Papa's brings tears to my eyes that have to be controlled, lest they sneak out and give my feelings away. I am a single in a room full of double.I also want to say that I don't write my feelings here for a "poor you" reaction - I write about my life here,

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-71034292212347437142007-08-22T16:46:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:48:31.144-05:00

You are like eczema; flaky, unattractive and bothersome - always flaring up when least expected. Had I known I would have do deal with you for the rest of my life, I would have thought twice about that first date.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-35937577298818808562007-08-22T06:47:00.005-05:002010-02-07T23:48:39.518-05:00

A new chapter of my life will begin in October. I have decided to move to North Carolina to be closer to my Dad & Mom, the little bird returns to the nest for a while.My Dad had a contractor come yesterday and meet with him on the proposal for my cottage which will be adjacent to the beautiful flower garden at my parents. Evan is getting a little play house built as well, a place to store his

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-19570231609510334582007-08-21T16:29:00.004-05:002010-02-07T23:49:26.924-05:00

This afternoon I was really sad. I started the day on a happy note but quickly had my hopes let down again. Hope makes a fool out of the well intentioned heart.I left work for the Dr. feeling sort of ugly and unloved and just kind of used up and dirty. Like the person with the Kick Me sign on their back - just embarrassed and humiliated.I had to go get my blood drawn today and I made my way over

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-6168409030052380772007-08-21T06:50:00.006-05:002010-02-07T23:48:46.596-05:00

I haven't written at all about my trip to San Francisco with Greg in June. For some reason I just tucked it away and kept it for myself...but I wanted to share some thoughts about what I remember about that time - there will be three sections to the essay and I am writing this for him, as a reminder of why I don't always need a camera to capture a memory..................................The

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-654299981059849702007-08-20T06:06:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:48:54.211-05:00

It is entirely possible to love someone you have never met. I know this for a fact. I am in love with my little Evan and I dream about him, pray for him and try to do everything I can to keep him safe already. I am protective over him and will fight like hell if I think anyone is trying to slight him or upset me as I need to be happy so that he can continue to develop well.Last night was a

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-31376290697222085412007-08-19T19:47:00.004-05:002010-02-07T23:49:19.732-05:00

I had the best Saturday morning with my parents. I just ADORE them. They are my rock - always have been there for me; love me unconditionally and I cannot imagine how I would have faced this time in my life if not for their love and absolute belief in me.Before Mom and I took the dogs for our morning walk around the lake, we had coffee together on the back porch with my dad. I was trying to

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-16250074452726541952007-08-17T06:11:00.006-05:002010-02-07T23:49:12.803-05:00

There are many times throughout the day that I ponder my past and my future. I think of what was, what might have been, and what is. I take inventory of those I love and those I am trying to understand. I roll over things I have yet to make sense of, and I write mental love notes to those I care for; wishing in that moment they could feel my sentiment inside their heart.I am a woman who often

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-72405733107614762007-08-16T06:04:00.004-05:002010-02-07T23:49:04.735-05:00

Men, you might as well just stop reading right now!! This is gonna be a quasi-chick post and I don't want to ruin your day ;-)Man, I gotta tell you all - I have been pretty quiet about my pregnancy overall. I do keep a blog for my little Evan - it is mostly about my feelings for him and my thoughts about life, etc. I don't write too much about my actual pregnancy..So let's dish the truth - and

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-57939347458175349452007-08-13T10:04:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:49:36.140-05:00

It is o.k. to struggle and to ponder and to feel injustice when injustice is served to you. It is permissible to say I struggle to stay positive each day. Honesty is honorable - reach out for help if you need it and don't be afraid or embarrassed. We ALL need help this way - no person is completely without need of support.It is o.k. to say I have been let down and I do not trust. To say it is to

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-48181885217036223332007-08-12T13:53:00.000-05:002010-06-01T07:18:58.437-05:00

I just returned to the office from having a quick bite of lunch. I had a grilled chicken sandwich, side of fruit and a pickle spear. Then it hit....that pickle spear was SOOO good. I sat there for a loooong time wanting another - and daring NOT to ask...lest I become a cliche'...well, to the outside world that is... I am now back and work - and still thinking about that pickle...ahhh. xoxo,

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-2774691570309971262007-08-12T11:09:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:49:45.482-05:00

I haven't been writing much lately, or I have been writing and publishing only to save things in draft mode a few moments later - that included this mornings post.However - just a few minutes ago as I was in the shower singing to my little Evan and leaning over to wash my toes - I got some "Popcorn". I straightened up and put my hand just to the left of my belly button; completely startled that,

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-38126298708262735462007-08-12T07:36:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:50:33.258-05:00

There are times when I find writing on my blog difficult. Those mainly are the times of pain in my life or when I am having a hard time navigating my way. As a writer, or I should say, a person who's creative expression is writing, it is hard NOT to release all the words and get it out.I haven't written what is truly in my heart for a few months now. I wake up in the middle of the night and

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-79149295269379938532007-08-10T07:08:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:49:53.431-05:00

A few years ago after my divorce and as I was beginning to live life again, I sat down on my back patio and I began to write a series about who I am and what I believe. No matter how silly it was, I said I would write down all the things I knew for sure about myself in an effort to get to know me as a person alone - not part of a couple, not identified by the presence of another.Today I felt it

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-32902671566914733822007-08-09T08:36:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:50:40.257-05:00

I think acceptance is the hardest part of life. There are certain facets one must choose to accept or choose to stand up and say "I do NOT accept this". That is a fine line isn't it? It is a delicate matter to know when to give more time to understand the scope of something and when to turn from it saying that you know better and won't accept the burden anymore. Many of you will not understand

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-17449356021741967932007-08-02T10:22:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:50:10.926-05:00

In conversation with a friend last night and let's preface this writing by saying that this friend is Jim, whom you all might remember as the man I dated and loved quite dearly last year and with whom now I am building a respectful friendship based on mutual respect of characterAnyway, I digressIn this conversation we were catching up, discussing our lives and happenings over the last few months

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-30855891093226301392007-08-02T06:46:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:50:24.215-05:00

Sometimes in life we surrender to it.We accept what is as truth.We linger on it no more.Sometimes in life we stop.We make no further attempts.Messages are absorbed from skin to soul.We become silent in our understanding.It is in the precise moment when that stillness comes that all chances are removed and we turn our eyes and hearts away. It is not out of anger or hate, but in simple surrender..

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-4268799280437372382007-07-31T06:12:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:50:48.287-05:00

How I was....fit, smart and un-stupid.... How I am...fat, happy and stupid ;-)Have you all ever heard of the "Pregnancy Stupids"??? Well let me tell you - it is TRUE that you get a little dense during this time. I do some things that just make me wince at my own goofiness - not to mention that all of a sudden (in the last three months) I CANNOT spell. I mess up all kinds of words and for a

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-50858162774269311522007-07-27T11:10:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:15:07.788-05:00

We had a perfect visit today and I saw my child for the first time. I cried and cried and could not believe how busy the baby was - moving and kicking and putting it's hands up to it's mouth. I saw the brain and the heart and the ribcage and perfect spine. I saw arms and hands and five little fingers - making a fist. I was in awe and did not expect the experience to have such a profound

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-37385119614477908622007-07-26T05:53:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:50:57.147-05:00

I woke up this morning and decided to be happy. I have wonderful friends, and people who reach out to me unexpectedly and bring a smile to my face; reminding me that I am truly cared for. I thought I would say a few thank yous.1. Mom & Dad - How did I get so lucky to have you as parents? I can only hope to emulate your example in life for my own child. You are my anchor in stormy seas and

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-57837729652828822462007-07-20T18:03:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:52:42.879-05:00

I am in a place where I never thought I would be. I really need to write about how I am feeling and get it out of me. I know it will rebuild inside of me again, like steam and when I fear that I will split wide open from the pressure, I will simply write again and let it out.I have been an absolute mess for two months. Since I discovered I was pregnant, I think I have had about 10 o.k. days.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-78039195441583184072007-07-19T17:46:00.004-05:002010-02-07T23:51:07.127-05:00

Sometimes life is just like that I have to tell myself. We can look out onto the horizon and dream a thousand dreams, but it doesn't make them come true. We can love and nuture and give with a pure heart and still be dissapointed and hurt. We can wait for people we believe in, only to realize we are standing alone and will continue to do so, we wait in vain. We can tell the truth in matters

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-54733658505720469632007-07-19T13:45:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:52:52.050-05:00

I know that many of you who read my Blog (thank you) have been wondering what the change has been with me over the last few months. I have not been posting as much, or my writing has been cryptic and out of place. Some of the things I wrote that people thought were about someone else was really about me, my feelings - fears and life.I have experienced emotions and the depths of pain and elation

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-80230962869462658602007-07-17T09:37:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:53:03.935-05:00

It is hard to turn away from something you loved; to turn your back in order to survive. I had to do this yesterday in the midst of very delicate circumstances. I hate the way it feels and I woke up crying again this morning and I choke back tears as I write this now. I will not cry in a public place. There have been too many tears of late; tears of fear and of sadness and of uncertainty. There

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-86722738013382130072007-07-15T08:53:00.005-05:002010-02-07T23:53:14.515-05:00

Sometimes there are no words to adequately express what you experienced, it is simply too special to capture by description. I am posting a few photographs from our stay at the Point Cabrillo Lighthouse in Mendocino, California. I booked this as a surprise for Greg during our trip - A fully restored 1909 Lighthouse sitting on a 300 acre nature preserve. We were there with only the Lightkeeper (

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-16153858589576357892007-07-13T06:37:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:53:26.658-05:00

My life over the past few months has been a Kaleidoscope of emotions and events. As each part of my new life unfolded, it seemed as though my perfectly composed colored tile path was being broken apart, and becoming a mosaic - a pattern unknown to me and lacking order. I was scared and falling apart and desperate to return to what I knew.Piece by piece, change was taking place. I was becoming

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-63398344815249233692007-07-08T07:54:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:53:48.275-05:00

I have a character flaw (or is it?) that shuts people out. I give a lot of chances to people. I give love and understanding and usually think of them first as a natural part of my character. I do and do and give and give and love and love.However, if I see a pattern of lack of concern back for my well being, or if they treat my feelings and needs with a lack of respect and understanding then I

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-9581054551462752382007-07-06T09:05:00.004-05:002010-02-08T00:14:22.040-05:00

I am not a burden to bear; a decision to make; a sad ending; a question mark; a thought to ponder; a secret to keep; a cross to bear; something to be unsure of; a compromise; a source of pain for another.I am not second place; last in line; less important in feeling and need; someone to be pushed aside and made to wait; a variable; a choice of "maybe" or "maybe not".I am a diamond; a true soul; a

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-18239748392885570722007-07-06T06:54:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:10:48.322-05:00

It has been so long since I have posted regularly that my fingers feel a bit rusty on the keypad!!It has been an extraordinary month or so here at my house. I have been going through a ton of changes both physically and emotionally and life threatened to roll me over. Fear still lurks in the background waiting for me to have a weak moment, but so far I am still standing and this morning I woke to

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-9653691302180509602007-07-03T13:33:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:11:33.025-05:00

From morning till night there is a sense of isolation, the sunrise gives way to the moon and still I stand, alone. I can see for miles around me in all directions, yet no one is on the horizon; I scan it still, over and over. Hoping.The wind blows a warm breeze that hurts my skin and stings my eyes and there is no direction I can turn to provide shelter from the exposure, yet I slowly turn around

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-86200111292965391682007-06-18T07:12:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:14:52.888-05:00

For Kelly.Sometimes you have to tell yourself you deserve better - and believe that it is true. Others can see it, and your actions show that you feel it too. I feel bad that I feel this way, but it is just the evidence of action and carelessness of another that instills this feeling inside of me for you.You are the deserving one who should fly to new heights and boast a smile that cuts a curvy

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-42941089828700793232007-06-16T21:58:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:13:04.410-05:00

I am beginning to love you even though we have never met. I am beginning to feel that you truly are a part of me with each passing day and that has brought a warm smile from deep inside my heart.I have written about you in the past and hoped for your presence in my life, never dreaming that you would find me, and God willing, love me for all of your days as I will love you.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-14485144794847868332007-06-05T05:52:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:12:40.312-05:00

Today is my 39th Birthday. It is hard to believe it has rolled around again. On this day last year, I was headed from Zurich to Barcelona, looking forward to meeting new friends and celebrating international-style.This year I have awakened to a very quiet house, a familiar house. I love the stillness of this morning. I woke up praying again, and not for myself. I love the simplicity of my life

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-64377966675922688962007-06-01T18:45:00.003-05:002010-02-07T23:52:11.131-05:00

I am a soft boiled egg. There is a thin veneer of hardness that covers me, protecting my soft warm interior. A three minute egg is the way I describe myself.If you hold me without knowing who I am really, you might mistake me for hard boiled; like the brightly colored eggs of Easter hunts that can be dropped, and picked up undamaged save for a few cracks along the surface.I look the same as those

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-42200895869203461602007-05-31T10:13:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:13:28.888-05:00

Today is the most significant day of my life; I am alone.

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-19565230817515889842007-05-30T21:33:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:12:48.650-05:00

There we all are. I am striding away, sweat dripping, listening to Justin Timberlake – he’s bringing sexy back and I am observing.Bob comes in and stretches at each station, yet I never see him actually pull a weight. He visits a lot, and keeps stretching.Mary comes along and stands at the magazine rack, earphones at the ready. She picks up Better Homes and starts reading. She eyes the treadmill

Mellissanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13611164.post-20051756318821157222007-05-30T21:31:00.003-05:002010-02-08T00:14:09.926-05:00

I wonder a little and I let myself think “what if” even if I know it isn’t. So, so tender and heavy, there is a gap that I pull closed. Maybe tomorrow for sure, I think to myself. Maybe not. I smile just a little and think “what if”? Although I know I cannot have a child, I still dream when things get behind. I let myself have that for a moment. Then the moment passes and life returns to

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