Keep It Behind Your Teeth

I can't stand it when women act sullen, snappy, guarded and withdrawn and expect it to just be o.k. because when asked if they are o.k. they say "I have PMS" and expect that to be a Get Out Of Jail Free card to continue on with negative behavior.

Ladies, let me tell you something. I perfectly understand the PMS thing and I get in a bad mood from time to time myself. However, if I am a big pill, I stay at home if possible, I eat chocolate, wear my comfy clothes and wait for the storm to pass as it always does. I don't go around with my 'tude on my shoulder and just expect folks to play along because my estrogen is wobbly.

If you are in a wicked mood and can't concentrate on what someone is saying, put your caveat out there early and say - "my concentration is for crap", "what did you say?" instead of being hateful and snapping at someone because you weren't really paying attention to the conversation. Your lack of interest is what is going on around you, being said around you is not everyone else's' fault, or because they can't speak your language or have suddenly become stupid and a bad communicator. It is because you have estrogen stuck in your ears.

My advice, and I can TOTALLY say this because I am a girl. Go home and take some Midol, drink a glass of wine and watch a chick flick - and hibernate till your winter passes and then come on back out to play....

Don't just don your PMS shield and go out to assault the rest of the unsuspecting. Being rude is being rude plain and simple. Life is complicated enough for all of us, and no one needs to add your minefield to walk in.

Ladies, sometimes you just have to put your big girl panties on and DEAL with it.

Bug

Happy Easter Vladimir

This is my buddy Vlad - he is just the nicest person you would ever want to meet. He is the ultimate gentleman, the classic old-school elegant man in both action and words.

Yesterday was Orthodox Easter and to celebrate this, Vlad and I had dinner together and spent some time catching up. It could not have been a more perfect evening with great weather, wonderful company and good food.

Oh yeah, since Vlad is an architect, he was showing me his new Le Courbusier chaise lounge.....made of PONY HAIR ;-) He is SO European. Gotta love that!!

Happy Easter Vladimir - and thank you for our wonderful friendship these past three years!!

xoxo,
Bug

Not Ready

You see, I logged on and clicked that button that said “Re-activate” and off I went. 503 viewings, endless “winks” and mindless emails. Everyone the same – I am amazing, I sound “terrific” “what does a guy have to do…” blah, blah, BLAH!!!

As I typed in a name, that I would recognize, I recoiled for the first time in my life, I literally pulled back and a gasp escaped my throat as I saw the photograph there. It hurt a lot but I swallowed hard and said “Lord, I trust YOU above all for what is best for me.” I kept repeating that for the rest of the day when I felt down, and honestly, a few times today as well.

I went back to that site today and canceled my membership. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be looked at like a book on Amazon.com I don’t want silly emails to read or even want to respond for that matter.

You see, I met someone that I really cared for. I was falling in love with this person – albeit it was in the Limerance phase of it – it was pretty special to me. So that being said, I am going to stay solo. I am not moving to NEXT as would be so easy to do to mask everything.

I prayed a lot over Easter and I have to accept and to live that I trust God above ALL else for what I need in my life. I don’t need praise from men, I don’t need attention, I just need to be and I need to wait and to listen.

I, like all of the rest of us, just want to be loved and to love in return. I want to matter to someone at the end of a long day. I want to share my life laughing and caring and nesting and sharing and cooking and hugging and listening to old songs that make you crack up and remember “when”.

I have been through two breakups in five months and that is enough for anyone to pull in and pull back. I will just wait at the shoreline and watch the tide roll in (thanks for that one Mom) and hope that one day, I will receive the message in that little bottle. The message just for me – I hope it will say – “Thank you for waiting for me…I am here now.”

I still can’t help but dream a little that the signature on that note will be from….you. I wish I could have said we could be friends, I wish I could believe that that would work. But I don’t want to be just your friend, although that was very special, and something I am missing very much.

So Many Things

There is a warm towel, fresh from the dryer underneath me, it is my warmth on this drizzly day, a hug of cotton.

There is classical music playing on my stereo – Water Music by Handel, it is soothing and appropriate to the weather.

There is a little cocker spaniel exploring the small garden space I have next to my patio, she loves the smell of geraniums – and sage.

There is a load of laundry spinning in the dryer, the vent to the outside is creating a wonderful, clean fragrance out to my patio, where I sit.

There are thoughts of you. Not that I meant to wake with them – but I saw your name, written on a plastic cup – the kind of mark you leave on something that is yours and you want everyone to know.

There is an espresso on the table with caramel creme on the top and a little sugar in the bottom.

There are raindrops, little tiny ones wetting my hair and my eyelashes. They seem to be the tears that I cannot shed anymore.

There are red cushions that need to be brought inside the house to dry and candles floating in their holders.

There are thoughts what next in my life that need to be tended. Time to move away perhaps, time for a new start somewhere else. Those thoughts are followed by how much I love this garden city that I live in, how much I love my town. I will stay here….it is my home.

There are Thoughts of Laurel – a wonderful friend in Kansas who I am connected with in some way and will send a surprise to on Monday.

There are sounds of cars passing by on wet roads on their way to errands or visits with friends and family. The hum of the air conditioner drowns them out somewhat.

There are photographs to be put in albums and cards to write to friends.

There is a thought of some visitors to my blog – Yellow Knife, Canada and Suwanee, Georgia……I think I know who you are. Welcome and I hope you know that I am a good person, I am a lot like you.

There is a life to be tended to – I will move inside out of the rain and get started.

Wishing you all a wonderful Saturday.

UGH

Well, it is official - I have re-claimed my title as "Queen of the three month relationship." I am humming that song by the Rolling Stones..

You can't always get what you want - but if you try sometime, you just might find...that you get what you neeeeeed.... I didn't and just had to pull the plug. Either a man wants to shout about you or stand in a comfy spot. I am all about shoutin' these days.

But hey, I got laughter restored to my life and a chin up attitude from a really great guy. No tears this time around. No regrets. I just don't have it in me anymore. I have become comfortably numb.

No damage done this time. I just have to remind myself to stop dreaming so much ;)

Take Me Out....To the Ballgame

Well, I pulled it off without a hitch! It was a great evening starting with dinner at Windows, great Infield Dugout seats for the BlueJays v. Yankee's game and a follow-on at an oh-so-Canadian joint called the Loose Moose....eh??!!

I have to tell you that my boss (upper left corner) is the coolest - I have known him since 1999 and think the world of him. His boss is pretty cool too - upper right corner blue shirt.

I will tell you one thing....those Canadians are awesome people. I might just move myself up to Toronto to work.....

My day yesterday ran from 5 a.m. till 1 a.m. and I was up again today at 5 a.m to get ready to meet my driver at 6:30 for the airport and flight home. Working in the office till 6:30 p.m. just about killed me, so I am off to bed to catch up on some sleep.

Based on the emails I got today from the 120 employees, everyone had a great time - and arrived to work today quite hungover (oops...) and let me tell you if you can get a Canadian hung over, you have well done your job!

Night!

Bug

Sleepless In Toronto

Hey all, I am in Canada for work and it is waay to early to be up, but I just can't get back to sleep.

I have come up to run a meeting and to take our employees to Roger's Centre to have dinner and to see the Toronto BlueJays v. New York Yankees. Should be a lot of fun. Last time I was up here was to go bowling with them ;-) FUN!

They have Black Squirrels that look like baby cats. I stopped into Starbucks for my coffee and muffin and sat on a bench sharing with big fat pigeons and that squirrel - you know, he was almost animated. It was like he had a personality from a cartoon when you were little - but come to life. It was hard to not reach down to pet him (I KNOW I didn't).

Well, it is 6:13 a.m. and I am sitting at my desk chair with my feet on the window looking out ahead. I loved this view with the moon peeking around the corner at me - such a flirt.

Well, I am headed off to shower and get ready for an incredibly long day. I hope you all will have a wonderful day.

When you FEEL

What is it when you feel?

What makes it so powerful that your emotion becomes a physical presence inside of your soul? Do you know this feeling? The one that makes you feel your spirit?

I am sitting outside at my patio table and I am listening to music and I am feeling - so many things for so many people. I am soft today, I am reflective, I am tentative and emotional.

Pascale - I miss you so much. Our talk brought me back to the place where our friendship was meant to be. If I could get on a plane tonight, I would be in Zurich with you tomorrow having a coffee and a chat in a chic little resto. We would keep smiling at each other and squeezing each other's hand and saying all the things that we have missed by being away from each other for so long.

Kerri - There are so many things I want to share with you. You are my comfy sweatshirt, my friend that is so accepting of me just as I am. I am so glad we are close by. I know we will love each other for the rest of our lives. You are such a special woman to me.

Angie - Hearing the joy returned to your voice and feeling your energy again has been the Hallmark of my week. I have thought of you and prayed for you so many times over the last month. I can't wait for Mexico together in 29 days. You have the most giving heart of anyone I have ever met.

Life - I want to embrace you and have the joys and adventures that are awaiting. I want to continue to dream big dreams and wake with a smile to greet you each day. You give me 24 hours to fulfill my dreams each day. I am lucky - I love my life.

Mom - For just loving me the way I am. For raising me with the belief in my own goodness and strength, for teaching me how to love and care for others and how to be selfless. You are the woman of my life. You are the benchmark and my measuring stick. I appreciate you so very much. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for all the gifts you gave to me. Thank you for being the essence of who I am now.

I wish you all a wonderful day ahead.

Good Friday

It is Good Friday - it is the beginning of a sacred, holy weekend and I wanted to wish you all the very best.

I wish that I had a family of my own to share this with, I wish I had the joy of shopping for Easter dresses and white patent shoes for a daughter. I wish I could have made a basket and hidden eggs and had a big dinner of Ham and all the trimmings.

I wish so much that I had a family of my own to share my love of Christ with. I long to sit alongside them in a pew, to teach them the love that was taught to me. Holiday's of all types are hard for me these days because it reminds me a little of what I don't have. It reminds me of what I wanted so much.

I am meeting my girlfriends for Good Friday services, and I am going to pray about it, and be thankful for the many things that I have, for the many blessings around me. Christ's love for me and the understanding that I am a part of his family is the thing I cling to.

But I sure do wish I had a chocolate bunny to nibble on and some hard boiled eggs to share with babies that looked like me - and him....

xoxo,
Bug

There is a fair haired Swiss girl whom I think the world of! Her name is Pascale and she lives in Switzerland. I wanted to introduce you to her and tell you a little about us.

We met three and a half years ago via video conference and hated each other instantly! I thought she was arrogant and she thought the same thing about me. Somehow as we got to know each other better we began a friendship that time and miles cannot break. We are so much alike even though we could not be more different.

She is the blond-haired, blue-eyed European and I am the dark-haired, brown-eyed American girl - Rose Red and Snow White! Yet this person has become a mile marker and beacon in my life and spending time with her, whether celebrating the New Year together in Paris or just catching up on the telephone in our weekly chats is one of the bright spots in my world.

So, I wanted to tell you about her and share my thoughts about her publicly. I love you Pascale.

Mellissa

No Limit On Time

There is no time limit on this. There is not an expiration date on happiness. Five months is my wound speaking out loud.

There is no definition that can create the proper image for what is happening here - for me. There are no words, there are no sentences - there is just an unmistakable feeling of peace and joy and fellowship.

There is no marker for peace I tell myself. There is no equator for emotion - it will mark the life or it will not. It cannot be made more definite than that.

Sixty days more will not be enough of you, two months will not magic make. For you see, it is in the every day, the every moment, the every smile, the every touch I share with you. There is no isthmus for that. It just simply is for me.

And that is simply everything. I love what we have together. I love where we are. I love the moments and my greatest wish is that those moments weave into seasons - still laughing, still talking, and still loving the feeling of being the hand inside of yours.

No one makes me feel the way you do. There is no time limit on that. No more discussions, no more leading the way. I am here, I am happy, and you are the reason for that. No time limits - no limits at all. Freedom in love and freedom of choice are the best parts of life.