Digging Up

I wish I wasn’t such a deep thinker. If I could change one thing about myself, it would not be thinness or less wrinkles, it would be superficial thinking.

“I’m not even thinking about Christmas” he said, offering the simple prime number in response to my algebraic equation of thought.

“That’s it.” was my response (to myself). I need to think in simple nouns instead of the action creating verbs or better yet my favorite hopeful adjective streams. My thoughts are too complex; too deep. I need to bring it to the simplistic. I think like college linear algebra instead of kindergarten flash card addition.

1 – 1 = 0 instead of e1Π +1 = 0 (Euler’s equation which contains all nine basic concepts of math and still ends in nothing!!)

So in closing, I am sitting here thinking deeply again – about the process of thinking simply. The irony is certainly not lost on me!

xoxo,
Bug

Seasons Change

It is hard to believe that Fall is here again. The air this morning is crisp and leaves are falling, covering the back patio. It is time to put the sleeveless shirts away and freshen the sweaters. It is time to tuck away the hope of Summer and face the coming Winter months.

It is also time to close the chapter. I lingered over the final chapter in our book, waiting to see how I would write the ending, hoping secretly that if I waited the ending might be different. I wanted the girl to win in the end, to capture the heart of the man she loves. But, seasons change and stories have to come to an end.

So last night I finished the final chapter. The girl did not win in the end. She tucked away the Summer dreams along with the thin cotton shirts and shorts. She removed the dreams of June with each pair of sandals she tucked into boxes and placed on the top shelf.

As she dressed in jeans and a sweater to start her day, she felt a sense of peace and calm. She opened the door to the cold air and breathed in deeply. "Fall and Winter are beautiful seasons." she thought as she stepped through the door and closed it behind her.

The closing of doors, the changing of seasons, the final chapter complete.

Circles

There are times when I sit back and think about what I am, who I am and the things that move me or habits I have. I find that the older I get the more I stop during the day and have little vignettes of thoughts or impressions about life. It is an amazing feeling. Just the clarity of my thoughts.

As I am sitting on the plane today, I am watching a mother with a baby; he is about 7 months old and is a bit of a good mimicker. If I stick out my tongue, he does too and then he smiles in triumph at his ability to mimic me.

Being back in San Francisco was a bit hard on me. As I walked from my hotel room to the lobby to go to work, I looked out and saw that beautiful city gleaming off in the distance and I started to tear up. It was because I completed a circle in my life. I closed the loop on an open thread. The last time I was here I was 24 years old, newly married and full of dreams. This is where my adult life began. I started married life here, my professional life here and faced my weaknesses here, my youth portal.

So standing back in this city again, now 38 years old was something to face. I looked back at the past and dealt with the fact that my life is not at all what I pictured when I saw this view last time. I missed Ted at that moment and wanted to call him but it was too late to ring him on the East coast. I felt really alone at that moment. Not lonely, just alone. I realized how different things are now, how it really is just me out here making my way in the world.

I also notice men now – not in the way you think, but I notice the ones who are protecting the woman they love, cloaking her, cuddling her, whispering to her and I can feel exactly what is going on there. I remember that feeling and it is so interesting to me now to witness it in action, in the third person. I am totally separate from it but my spirit jumps a little because it remembers when I used to have that. It is like muscle memory, or being able to navigate your house in the dark. Your soul remembers things too. It calibrates your life and remembers.

It is a funny reality for me now – that there is no one waiting for me. No matter where I go. There is no one waiting…..and that is o.k. For the first time I can really say “it’s o.k.”

Mellissa

Off Again

Good morning,

Well, it is time to go again. I am off to Los Angeles this afternoon to work for a few days before heading up to San Francisco to meet with my team and take a Saturday to enjoy the city I lived in in the early 1990's.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Things have been rather hectic around here getting ready for our worldwide conference for Information Technology. I am excited to re-united with many of my colleagues from around the world. That is the nice part of my job - the people I work with are great and it will be good to come together again, just like we did in Barcelona in June. This time I plan on sleeping a bit more though.....

More from the road!

xoxo,
Bug

We Were

Two then we were
Peacefully sleeping,
When there in the dark
Your lips began keeping
Company with mine
Hands intertwined.

Eyes fluttered open.
Dreams became broken
With the sweet reality
of your hands upon me.

One then we were
Fully awake,
here is my heart
It's all your's to take.

"I've never needed"
The words were repeated
Then softly retreated
Back into my soul.

I said it instead
with no words in your bed.

Volumes were spoken
Words had no place.
It was all in the moment
The look on my face.

Two then we were
Return to sleeping.
There is a story
My heart is now keeping...

A Person In A Dog Suit

I haven't written about my dog, Margaret Mitchell (Maggie) in a long time and she wanted me to let you all know that she is still around and running the house with me!

She put on her new Winter coat and Fall sweater so you could see that she is still as fashionable as ever. Whenever we do our daily three miles at Chastain she is quite the star attraction.

And no, she is not always dressed up....she gets to go in the stream and dirt and woods and be a spaniel too. Like her mother, she embraces both sides of her girlness!

xoxo,
Bug

I Am Drunk (not really)

I am drunk
No - not stinking.
Just a buzz
'Cause I was drinking.
Irish Cream
Too large a glass.
For me
A novice drinking lass.
Now I'm yawning
And it is dawning
That sleep is coming
To take me away.
The perfect ending
To the perfect day!

4/00

Is This What Your Rationale Sounds Like?

Authors Note: This is NOT about me or the way I think..just saying, before anyone asks me...

Why do we chase the elusive?
Why do we give to those who don’t deserve it and withhold from those who do?
Why do we try to do a song and dance

For those who will never give us credit for our talent?
Compliment those who really are undeserving?
Is it that we can’t see the truth, or are just willing to do anything to get someone to love us?

Here, look at me…I can be good enough!
Here, listen to me, I have changed myself and now think like you do!

Is that what you wanted?
Here, over here…You are the one, you are the catch!

You are my ideal of perfection. The best I have ever known in my life
If we work really hard we could be perfect together.
I will even be sad again to be with you.

I will leave true goodness behind to be with you again.
I guess it really was not that bad before.

It just must have been me that caused all this.
Since I am willing to change my DNA for you, we will be happy.

You are the only one who matters. I will matter simply because you accept me.

Reversioner's thinking. It is never a good thing.

There Is

There is such sweetness here that I want to stay forever. There is so much love that I have for you in my heart that I strain to keep the words hidden safely behind my teeth.

Once you said that the simple things make a relationship last forever. I know my forever could be with you, walking Maggie, cooking a simple meal together, working around the house, our incessant talking and bursts of laughter. I really like who you are.

When we come together in the quiet times of our day, you are my sheltering tree. You are the place I want to run to for refuge; hiding under your branches until I feel safe enough to come out. You are my sentinel, my compass and my beacon.

When something magical happens it is you that I want to tell first, just as you are the first I want to talk to when a hard decision needs to be made or I doubt my own stance on something. You never take my joy for granted, nor my worry too lightly.

Thank you for allowing me to take shelter with you again for a short while. I feel strong enough to go it alone, but will miss you and the sweetness There Is with us.

Mellissa

What's Inside

Inside of you there is a twist of molten metal.

Your surface hides it for a while.

But skin is fragile and cannot hold your contents for long.

The metal burns through, bearing sharp edges.

You cut those around you as you become exposed.

How sorry I feel for them.

Inside of you there is a twist of emotions.

Your smile hides it for a while.

But smiles are fragile and cannot contain your fangs for long.

The emotions burst through, in spite and venom.

You puncture those around you with hate.

How sorry I feel for them.

Your hands tend the wounds you inflicted.

You look at it as kindness

Not realizing it is you who caused the damage

As the wound becomes infected, you recoil

And chastise the person for being careless around metal and fangs.

Never fully comprehending, they were a byproduct of you...