Maybe One Day

Each morning I wake up and smile at Evan. He smiles back this cute wide grin; no teeth, all gum - just like a little old man. That makes me smile back at him even bigger and away we go -  with me sticking out my tongue at him and he sticking his tongue out back and on and on. It is a wonderful game.

I am off to shower and get suited up to interview.

Happy Monday all,

Mellissa

Home Again

I am home in Atlanta again. It feels good to be among my things; three levels of memories and familiar textures. The photographs are of those who love me and have a history with me. 

Evan is fast asleep on my bed under the quilt my mom made for him. I love him more than I knew possible in this world. He is my family. I have an opportunity for work so I have returned home to interview on Monday and Nana is coming tomorrow to see her little one. I know she has been so sad to be away from us both although she would never admit it to me, lest it somehow make things harder when I make decisions about my life. She is amazing in that way. I am interviewing for practice and in hope that I will be able to work again, to rebuild my life and to help myself now that I am able. I would not turn down the opportunity, because I feel that doing so would be a slap to all those who have so generously supported me financially during my pregnancy and for these months after Evan's birth. 

I am so truly grateful to have had those people in my life, to have survived and paid my bills each month, to buy beautiful things for Evan, to make a home for him, to buy his food and supplies. It is time to step off the edge now with confidence and hope, to know that God has a plan and that he will open the doors that are meant for me to pass through. I have given it over to him, I asked him to take the wheel and to lead me in the areas that will provide the best I can for Evan and for myself. I want to be happy and fulfilled so I can be a great mother, I want to support myself and Evan; to know that he is secure with me to provide for his needs. I don't want to be down to my last dollar soon and be only focused on that and the pressures of life without a job to provide for us - so I have returned to Atlanta to see if my life is supposed to continue here, or if my life is to be lived elsewhere. 

I just have to trust and to bone up now. It is time to stand on my own two feet and see where life takes me. Wish me luck and if you are inclined to pray, I wouldn't mind you adding me in there somewhere ;-) I need all the help I can get!

xoxo, Bug

What Next

I must admit that I am afraid of what comes next. It is like standing on the edge of the high-dive platform, knowing that you cannot return to the ladder that will take you back to the level ground you once relied on. The next phase requires you to ease your foot towards the unsteady end of the long traverse, to bend your body towards the depths below and to lean forward into your free-fall. It takes courage and courage is something I am lacking right now.

For me, the next phase of my life is returning to work, to re-building my life and to balance my son's wellbeing in the process.

I looked into schools for Evan in Atlanta. Nursery's that take infants starting at 6 weeks. 4 children per caregiver, days spent away from Mommy, moments missed that cannot be recaptured. Caregivers witnessing the changes daily and giving reports to parents on the milestones achieved. It breaks my heart to think this is waiting on that edge, and that I must inch towards it. I hate the feeling, but I have no choice.

I don't want to live alone in Atlanta, I don't want to be an island for the sake of a living but I am not sure how to do that anywhere but Atlanta based on the type of work I do. I have looked at the classified ads for other locations, but nothing there fits me - there is very little to go on. I am used to a certain standard of living and I am trying to adjust my thinking to other ways of making it; of thriving.

Greg and I are on very different terms now. I still look at him as a partner, but I quickly correct my thinking back to midline. We are parents, we have a common bond in Evan, but not as a couple. I miss him in that way. I miss him wanting me - but I would never tell him that. Sometimes at night when we are lying side by side our feet touch for a moment and I awaken and remember when we would lie close together; he had to touch my hip, my arm - we connected that way. Now we connect through respect and a careful distance. He sees me only as Evan's mother. I miss being desired as more than just that symbol. I hate to watch my emotion fading out of necessity. I still love him. He is the father of my son and the man I dreamed of having a life with. I will know him for the rest of my life so I keep silent, I say nothing, I just show him the love I have for him in other ways. We are so different, yet in many ways alike.

So as I sit here in his home this morning, waiting on Evan to stir from his morning nap, I am thinking "What Next" and the only conclusion I come to is to embrace the next moment, the one where Evan awakes and yawns - and smiles at the sight of his Mommy at his crib - arms outstretched to gather him up, to feel his body curl into mine and to watch his blue eyes twinkle. In that moment all other thoughts fade away into the back of my mind to be processed later and I move my mind back away from the edge for another day.