Baby Steps

In some ways, I watch my life mirror that of my son. The irony of the timing of certain events in his life and mine give me pause for thought.

Evan is beginning to explore walking now that he has mastered crawling and can move about the house with ease. Walking forward is both exciting and frightening to him. He pulls up and looks around, he moves around objects he knows well with confidence, daring not to let go lest he fall. Even though he won't fall far, the fear of the unknown is too great for him to chance, so with focus and white fingers he holds tight to what he knows - his comfort zone. At times, he will stand alone for a moment until he realizes that nothing surrounds him and a slight look of panic crosses his face. His arms reach out for me, for security, for what he knows is safety and a secure place.

I am Evan in so many regards. I have been holding on to what I know for too long, so afraid to let go, so afraid to walk forward on my own. Yet when I look around, I realize that what I have been holding onto for comfort and security is not mine to hold - it never was. The thought of letting go and trusting my steps and my own power to move forward with my life brings me great fear and worry. But, I know the time is here, I must turn loose and trust that even when I fall, the ground is not too far beneath me, and the love that surrounds me in other areas is enough to cushion me.

So, along with my son, I inch towards my independence, I face my fear of letting go and I prepare to take baby steps into my future. Crawling just isn't enough anymore. How my heart aches in a way of watching him grow, how my heart aches in a way of watching myself do the same.

I loved, I lost, I grieved, I stood true, I was honorable, I gave life, I love again, that love is returned. That love is enough to walk towards. That love is my son.

xoox,
Bug

Family Values?

I went to see Evan early this morning to spend time with him and take him to school. I love watching him move his fingers and dance around and wiggle. He is so beautiful, so worthy of our very best. Look at the photograph of him - he is such a light and joy. He is worth more than he is getting.

I look at my situation and I wonder sometimes about what he will know of security, of family values, of sacrifice for the greater good, of putting your selfish needs last to ensure the well-being of another.

I wonder if he will praise me for bridging the gap as I have, or if he will see me as a weak person who compromised her value structure. I wonder if he will look at his father as a man who did not chose to shelter and legitimize his mother, choosing instead an out of town option for fulfillment.

It bothers me quite often and I feel that we do not have the proper family values, that he will feel that he was not enough to run the gamut for. I just don't ever want him to hurt because the two people he loves the most are apart and he must split his life with each of us in half. It is an unfair price for a child to have to pay, but the power was not mine to change it.

Mellissa

A Day For The Book

Well, it is official. My little Evan's first tooth has made its appearance! It cut through the gum sometime yesterday during the day. I was at Greg's house last evening working away and feeding Evan when he pulled his famous Bitter Beer (thanks Julie!) grin on me and lo and behold - a little white line was there.

I teared up a little and hugged him and we had a little party in the kitchen with Daddy. It is a big deal and a weird feeling when you cross a milestone with your child. 

So - bring on the Cheerio's - we have teeth!

xoxo,
Mellissa

Thank You

I laugh at myself a little more often these days. I recognize that girl in the mirror a little more every day and I find that I still like myself and feel good about the future - a testament to the spirit God kept alive inside of me all these months. 

I have some regrets that I wasted time and energy on emotions other than for Evan this year. I guess I was just coping the best way I knew how. I turned myself inside out and I searched for answers that were never to be discovered - and you know what, I have to let myself off the hook for that a little. I can truly say I did the best I could do in the situation and that time heals things that we never knew could be whole again. Don't get me wrong, I still am tender and there is a bit of scar tissue on my heart, but if I am asked about my life, I can truly and honestly say that I am happy - and I am at peace.

I have waited so long to say it and have truth behind it instead of merely saying it like a mantra to see myself through and fool others. I miss my family though. I don't have much time to talk anymore and being in the Central time zone when my family is in Eastern makes it even more difficult. I hope they don't think that I don't love them and think of them each and every day with a longing to be near to them because I do. I miss my family....so much!!

I have to peel myself away now to head to bed. I have enjoyed having this half hour to unwind and get ready for another week. I can't wait to greet Evan in the morning and feel his little hands grab ahold of my neck. The joy and mystery of life is in the little things - and the little hearts we protect. I am proud to say that I am good mother. It is the greatest accomplishment of my life, it is the thing of which I am the proudest. 

xoxo, Bug

Hello Again?

Today is the first Saturday in 8 months that I slept in. I actually was in bed until 8AM and I think I fell asleep last night the moment my head touched the pillow. 

I think about writing again, quite often.   I think about my blog like an old friend with whom I have parted ways but miss. I wonder about her and if she wants me back around or if too much has changed and we will be incompatible. 

So - I dance around writing, I wonder if I have anything of interest to say, I measure my life now against the life I had, and find that although different it is just as rewarding.  I have a new job, a new house, a new SUV and a new son. If you had told me this would be me now I would have laughed at you while ruffling through my papers to find my passport, but it is so ME now and I love where life has placed me because I get to love someone, really love someone - and that little someone loves me just as much. 

Old blog friend, do you think we are too different to connect again or do you think our story still goes on? I sure have missed you. 

xoxo, Bug