Is that OK?

I woke up this morning thinking about how my life used to be. Not in a way that is unappreciative of the blessing of my son and the presence of him in my life, but of how I miss the markers and identifiers of the woman who is me.

Is it OK to miss what was, to miss the parts of a life that you created that fulfilled you? Does it make you selfish to look in the rearview mirror and miss what you see there?

When my eyes opened this morning I was thinking about the South of France, specifically the wedding of Frederique and Oliver. The memory was so vivid for me that it was like watching a movie of it. I miss that life sometimes, I miss that girl, I miss going to Saks and buying a beautiful dress and Stuart Weitzman shoes that make me feel like Marilyn Monroe (only the shoe part!) I miss sipping champagne at a table of international thinkers, or laughter with those who are like me. I miss meeting new people, seeing new sights, dreaming of adventures and feeling in touch with myself.

In conversation with a co-worker yesterday she said out of the blue "You must miss your old life so much." and I guess I had never really allowed myself that feeling until she said it out loud and gave me pause for thought. Yes, I do miss it. I miss my home in Atlanta, that is my town. I miss being financially secure and I don't like earning 1/4 of what I used to earn. I miss girlfriends, and boyfriends, and I miss Maggie. I miss beautiful clothes and shoes, I miss my 401K, I miss dancing and I miss the airport. I miss conversation about world politics and art. Here in TN they seem to talk too much about football - so not my thing.

I don't mean at all to sound pretentious - because that is not the tone I am writing this in. It is not the vein that courses. I simply am different than this place. I simply am treading water and keeping up with the small waves on this tiny lake. I just wonder how will it all be for me in the future. Will I always long for the girl I once was. I really liked her and the adventures that she had.

However, I made a choice to give up a lot for my son and for his father. They are happy together and they love each other and my son is better for it. I just wonder though, what about me? What about Nashville - would that fit a bit better? Does Tim McGraw need a private secretary that knows about planes and runways and wine and dinner parties and stock trades and how to prepare the household staff for a big party? Maybe so - and after all, it IS only 2 hours away....

xoxo,
Bug

Looking For Grub

Evan and I have had the crud. Well, actually Evan got it from Pierce and then Evan gave it to Mommy as a present!! We have both been to see the Dr. twice since Friday - UGH!

Last night, after round three of trying to get sleepy Evan down for the night, we decided to just go in the kitchen and play in the fridge - I don't know why he loves to shop in there, but it is a favorite pastime. I buy him toys and doodads and things that play music and light up and talk, but what does Evan really want to entertain himself? The potato in the bottom drawer of my fridge!

LOVE HIM!

Sunday Morning Style

It all started out so busily at 6AM. Evan and Cooper were Paper towel bandits and I was just longing to ingest a cup of coffee and get a shower! The boys won out so on the floor we were, having a mini party in the kitchen.

The house is quiet now, there is plenty of time to shower and drink some coffee and read and write and think about painting my toenails. Evan has gone to his dad's house for the day and Mommy is all of a sudden at loose ends. It is odd how the house goes from mayhem and cozy to calm and cavernous. I miss him the moment he goes away and the hours seem to slow to a creep around the dial of my watch.

I think with that said, I will skip that shower and head out to the garage to organize some things that are still sitting around since my move two months ago today. Maybe then time will pass more quickly until the evening when I head over to Greg's for supper and hugs from the with Evan.

xoxo,
Bug

Skirt Setter

I am really excited to tell you all that I have been asked to be a National Blogger for Skirt Magazine. So, with no further ado - I have to head on "over" and start my first blog for them.

;-)

xoxo,
Bug

OK, Wait a Minute (sound of brakes)

Something amazing and interesting has happened over the last few days, something triggered it, but I am not sure why or how. Perhaps this change is as inherent and miraculous as the onset of a season, the way the trees know it is time remove the layers of old in preparation for new. It happened to me just the same.

I went back and re-read Baby Steps and it simply did not apply as I thought it did. Evan and I are not the same in all regards of this time in our life. You see, I had forgotten for just a moment that I, unlike him already know how to walk, I have walked, run and danced inside a beautiful life. I have experience, this is not a new sensation and I really don't have as much fear as I thought.

Perhaps I just needed to let go fully to realize that not only can I walk, I love it and the feeling of freedom it provides. So I must change my words and say that I am poised to take long, easy strides into my future, that I am excited by the renewed sensation of freedom, that I have a smile of accomplishment on my face and I am about to take of running, full-steam ahead.

To that end, I have decided to get a puppy, to bring another project of love into my home - to bring that joy back because I have missed Maggie so much since she passed away. I have also decided to give Pete a chance to get to know me, he is worth a chance so last night I agreed to lunch on Friday.

I looked back one more time you see, and with that last parting glance I realized that I never really liked the view and was happy to walk forward and towards a better vista with my little Tigger in tow.

xoxo,
Bug