The True Meaning

It is a peaceful morning here at home. It started off with a quick prayer before my feet hit the floor at 5:30 to give Evan a bottle and let him settle back in for another hour of sleep.

I have been battling illness for over a month now - and more so since Evan started daycare back in August. My body took a ton of hits with colds and being constantly run-down from the rigors of life. It all culminated with a diagnosis of pneumonia right before Christmas and it scared me to death. I never expected to have pneumonia followed in short order by the stomach flu. I tell you, when it rains, it pours!

I am beginning a study on Proverbs called "A Woman of Value". It is a way to feed my soul as it has been impossible for me to make it to church this month - it seems that I have had Evan most weekends this month, or have been sick in between. I miss having a church family since I moved to Jackson from Atlanta. I miss being involved and connected, but this Sunday I am going to attend a non-denominational church here called Fellowship Church. I am looking forward to that - to see if it fits me.

I have also decided to plan two trips. One back to Atlanta for a weekend to connect to old friends and to visit my city, a place that I miss dearly. Atlanta fit me so well. I think I miss the trees and beautiful parks the most. I also miss the opportunities there and the tall buildings - so much interest for the eye, and you know me - I am a very esoteric, tactile person so that is important to me in many respects. I also am going to head to Stuart to bring Evan to see my brother and his family. I miss them and I want to go home to relax a little, sit by the pool and integrate with my people - the ones I love, but don't get to express it to nearly enough. I hate it that weeks and months slip by me so quickly and the gap between me and them grows larger. It is not that way in my heart, but distance is rough - I hate it.

In so many respects, I am looking forward to the coming year, to the newness of it all. I am ready to embrace things ahead of me, finally; finally. I have been given the gift of a peaceful heart and it is the greatest feeling in the world to have come into that area. I yearned for peace for almost 2 years and I crested the mountain peak this month. I was rewarded for my patience and my willingness to work through things and it feels so amazing to wake up and to go to bed with that feeling. It is certainly womb-like to my soul.

I hope that each of you that stops by had a very Merry Christmas and that you are well and happy!

xoxo,
Bug

Stretching

Sometimes life is a big ol' stretch. I keep reminding myself that a good stretch from time to time is worth it, albeit hard on the muscles if you stretch too far too fast.

We are ramping up for Evan's first Christmas and he is beginning to take his first steps. He makes the cutest little face when he does it, very determined and focused and then he will just stop and clap his hands at himself in a sort of "well-done" kind of way.

Greg, as usual is pushing the limits of timing with me, but I am learning even in that scenario to let go. He is flying out again this weekend to Texas and now to Colorado the weekend after Christmas for 4 days. I have no one in West Tennessee to help me with Evan, and Daycare is closed from December 24-January 2nd, so his being out of town was a stretch, and my muscles hurt a little from how far I have to stretch to cover the gap of his absence. I wish he would just date locally for crying out loud.

I miss my friend Terri. I don't talk to her often, hardly ever actually, but I think about her each day with a lot of love. I don't know why the hours go by and I can't get to that phone! I think maybe I'll stop writing and go pick up the phone...

xoxo,
Bug

There is a Love

I am sitting at my desk this morning before heading off to work. Jim Brickman is playing on the stereo and the melodies have stirred a set of heart feelings that are so deep inside of me.

There is a love, like no other on earth that has entered my life. It seems that all my thoughts and the direction of my heart and my life are for Evan Samuel. When he is away from me, my heart aches and the hours inch by until I can hold him again, until I can see that smile and those beautiful cornflower blue eyes.

This time last year I was carrying him inside of me, so safe and cozy. I was voluptuous and round, he gave me a sense of womanhood and the bond was already there between he and I. I knew him before I knew his face. It reminds me so much of the love that God has for me and how he truly must want my happiness and peace. The love he has for me was manifested in the greatest way through the gift of my son.

When people ask me what I want for Christmas, I simply tell them the truth - that I long for nothing; I need nothing. I have been given the greatest treasure of unmeasurable worth. My gift is renewable with each day, my gift has value far above material things. He is a true light and a precious miracle. He is truly the absolute love of my life.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Evan through the confirmation of a blood test. I pulled over on the side of the road and I prayed. I made a promise to God to care for this child, to keep him safe, to make sure he knew about God's love and grace and that I would be there for him each day of his life. I did not know the challenges that were awaiting me, I did not know the depths of the testing that God would put me through in receiving this miracle.

What I can say on this day is that I am a work in progress, that I have a deep sense of what is right, that I have a value system that compels me to put my son ahead of myself, even when the going gets tough and the days are lonely. So each night, as I lay my head down, my prayer is for my son. I pray for his health and safety, for his wellbeing and happiness and for the hours to pass quickly until I hold him again and see that beautiful smile.

So now I am off to work, and 8 hours until my miracle and the love of my life is scooped up in Mommy's arms and showered with kisses and hugs. Thank you God - for loving and trusting me with Evan Samuel. I hope I make you proud.