Tug of War



It is such a long drive to and from work.  Not so much in the sense that I mind the distance, but moreover the amount of time it gives me to think about things.  I have 2 hours each day alone in the car and it seems that about 50 minutes are spent in each direction thinking about Tom.  My heart misses him and expresses it to my soul in a longing, memory-filled way, to which my head issues a strong retort and reminder that he left me after 5 months to return to his past.  I was not what made him truly happy, and it would never be the same even if he did return.  It's a hard tennis match of a dynamic to sit though two times a day, every day.

I try to focus on the negative things about him, which I will not go into in this medium, as a measuring stick of why we aren't good together.  I also tell myself that I want someone who is just emotionally in a good place, is a happy person, and who can be supportive of me and my dreams, not so much the other way around.

I hope eventually this process works for me and my head wins out in the end.  After all, there are a lot of commutes ahead of me and I would just like to have a little "radio silence" if you know what I mean.

xoxo,

LB

Isn't He....

The most precious human being on this planet......He makes my heart sing.  The love is impressive in its purity.

Not Like That OK?

I am happy we got a small "do over".  Sitting there next to you like a polite acquaintance was not the way I wanted to remember us, and I left with regret.  The day after was filled with many thoughts of you, us, me and the why's of so many things.  I kept swatting the memories away like flies, but they would return to buzz and circle around me.  It was annoying and difficult, and I was mentally kicking myself for thinking I was advanced enough in this process to see you in person.

I noticed that your hair seemed to have more grey in it and that you looked worn.  Your eyes were flat and you were quite removed from things.  I immediately noticed your ring and it stung.  I had never seen it or known that part of you.  I trivialized the design to make myself feel less intimidated by it's presence.

I abruptly stood and left you there.  We didn't really say goodbye or anything. I just walked away with a heart full of regret for having seen you that way.  It wasn't us.  We were always amazing and connected and bright.  We were always animated and engaging.  We were intimate in conversation and connection.  It was the thing I loved most about who we were.  That is why I had to stand and put distance between myself and you.  It was not the way I wanted to remember us.

Thank you for calling and saying you felt the same things when I left.  At least I know in some measure it is all still there - under the surface.

I love you......still.

M