Write It Down, He Said

We sat, we talked a while and I was doing just fine. We talked about "him", about me, about life, about Kerri. He asked me "why" and "how does that make you feel" a couple of times. I answered and held it together nicely. This was a good day. Not one tear fell....until he asked me about my past and how it tied into today. The Lightbulb moment happened and my hand went over my mouth. The answer was right there. So plain that it shocked me. Truth time.

The fissure turned into a full blown fault-line and the aftershocks were rippling through me. "I am afraid to voice my need and ask for what I want because the last time I did that, my ex-husband ended our marriage." That was it. Now I am afraid to ask, to define relationships, to push people for answers. What if they reject me and I have to go back to square one again? I hate square one so I stay kind of quiet and just wait.

"Is waiting and silencing yourself really being true to you?" he asked. Obvious answer. No. "Does it surprise you that you love 'him'?" he asked next. "Yes, it really does. It bothers me." This was followed by more of the why questions until I said it. "Because he won't love me back." So there was the crux of it. Right out front and center. For some reason, I give my love to those who don't want it or I think won't return it. No man has ever loved me in my life, except for my dad. That is how I feel. I sat and I sobbed at the thought of that, and how I long just to be loved. It is so simple in theory, but so hard in life to find this.

So we continued on and back to me and what I was doing to make my life better - for me. Well, I am dancing again, I have hired a personal trainer for three days a week, I am learning the guitar and making social plans with my friends. "What about your writing?" followed. I paused on that one because other than the blog I keep it to myself.

The time ended today with more homework, this time - just the simple sentence.. "Write it down....and get it out". So I stood and thanked him for his time and quidance and I headed out into the sunlight and to register for a Creative Writing class at Emory University. Tonight at 7:00 p.m. I will begin to follow another dream....to write professionally. It is something that I love, and something that loves me. Not too shabby I think.

xoxo,
Bug