Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Bob, Mary, Ted & Alice
Bob comes in and stretches at each station, yet I never see him actually pull a weight. He visits a lot, and keeps stretching.
Mary comes along and stands at the magazine rack, earphones at the ready. She picks up Better Homes and starts reading. She eyes the treadmill and goes back to reading.
Ted is wearing workout pants from the 80’s. He lifts to impress but his form is all wrong. He is jerking weight and I think to myself that his elbows are going to snap. His triceps don’t get the benefit of his action. He increases the weight and looks around at the competition.
Alice is fast and furious, she notices no one except the blank space in front of her. Engrossed in the zone. Bones protruding and straining, she is shy and lacking confidence, determined to burn off that one apple she allowed herself today.
There are countless others to watch as well – the two ladies who come in each afternoon determined to row to China; the loud grunter that I can hear above my music. The young guns building strength for sports, the trainers who wear clothing to cover their sins while torturing others, the mom’s who walk by with toddlers wearing ballerina swim suits and water wings, the elder statesman who is determined to hold on to his health, and the runner who works the treadmill hill course while watching the news.
And again, there is me, the determined to be better girl, the one who is giving it her very best, and enjoying the cast of characters in the ensemble play called “Gym”.
How could I ever leave my YMCA for the hard core gym like Gold’s or the “look at me in my workout clothes gym like Bally’s. I need those real folks and the slice of life that fuels me on as much as Justin.
Tenderness
I wonder a little and I let myself think “what if” even if I know it isn’t. So, so tender and heavy, there is a gap that I pull closed. Maybe tomorrow for sure, I think to myself. Maybe not. I smile just a little and think “what if”?
Although I know I cannot have a child, I still dream when things get behind. I let myself have that for a moment. Then the moment passes and life returns to normal.
Normal will happen tomorrow.
Although I know I cannot have a child, I still dream when things get behind. I let myself have that for a moment. Then the moment passes and life returns to normal.
Normal will happen tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Cooking Makes Me Happy
Tonight at the gym I got hungry. Bar-B-Q Chicken Calzone came to mind....
And then just like magic....dinner is cooling on the table alongside a nice Chardonnay. He he!
Tomorrow is fresh corn chowder with shrimp and a loaf of whole wheat banana bread with currants and walnuts. Cooking really does make me happy. I can't wait until the next time I go to Jackson so I can cook for Greg - and let me tell you, that man can EAT!!! The fact that he loves my cooking is one of my favorite things about him - ha ha!Oh yeah, and thanks mom for all those years you made me get in the kitchen with you. I guess you knew what you were doing after all huh!
xoxo,
Bug
Cry Tears - Take Joy!
It is a thing which struck me as odd the second time I did it. This was the second time in six months I broke down in tears over news. Joyous news!
The first time was in December. I was in Paris. We had not spoken in two years. Kim and I had drifted apart, but I still missed her and wished her well. I still miss and wonder and wish her well.
The email came to all on the address list, me included. I knew it was a mistake; a lack of deletion on a contact list. I was glad to see the email and sat in silence while reading it. She was re-creating her website, had a new URL and a pending new last name. She was getting married. I got up from the sofa and walked out onto the back balcony and looked out over the Paris skyline. The light from the Eiffel Tower spun by like a comet across the night sky. I held my glass of wine and cried. I was happy in the news, and unsettled at the same time. She had found “it”, and I was still the same. In truth I didn’t understand so much – I felt more deserving, more ready. I felt horrible for the mixed emotion and selfish sense of entitlement. It was not so much that I wanted her to “have not”; it was just that I longed to “have”. Twenty-four months to find a man who wanted, who was not afraid to say it, to hold, to ask, to create a life of two.
The second time was yesterday. I was at home listening to Debussy’s Claire De Lune; refinishing furniture. Isabel and I had not spoken in thirty days due to her move to Madrid on April 30th. Her special someone is a French man, Arnaud. She, a beautiful Latina; the new life – Madrid. They met in early October last year in San Francisco where they both lived. At the end of October I met him as well; over coffee in Los Angeles. I liked him immediately. She was still guarded and unsure.
By December she was jumpy; he wanted to spend the holidays with her. She was headed to Paris for work for a week. I talked her off the ledge. “It is not like he asked you to meet him on Christmas Eve at the altar.” I joked. She laughed into the receiver and exhaled. “You are right, I need to just go with it and relax.” In February, she was in Paris again and another phone call came. Something was different in her voice. “I have some news” rolled off her tongue with hesitation. “Oh, ISA!!!” I knew exactly what this news must be. They were going to have a baby.
They were moving to Madrid together. He needed her and wanted to make a life with her; and in this, they created a life, a new life in two forms. Yesterday I received an email from Arnaud with a link to their WordPress Blog outlining their new life in Madrid. One post caught my eye. It was a picture of Isabel, beautiful Isabel. The post read that if anyone wondered why he uprooted his life in San Francisco, all they had to do was look at his beautiful “Guapa”. I instantly loved him more – because of the love he has for her. Then an email from Isa came. “We are getting married in Normandy in August.
I got up from the computer, walked into my bathroom and held the sink. I cried. I cried because I miss my friend; I cried because I was happy that her dreams came true and I cried because she too had found a man who wanted, who was not afraid to say it, to hold, to ask and to create a life – for three.
As I finish this post this morning, the tears well up again. This time – just out of joy and the realization that there are good men out there, men who want as I do, men who are not afraid to say it, to act on a good thing when a good thing is presented into their life. It is like the sunrise I guess. We somehow forget how spectacular it is, and when we witness it in all its beauty, we must pause, and let the tears come for a moment in appreciation, and the hope that each new day brings. The promise of something wonderful. I know a day can change a life. I look forward to that day. I know it will happen for me too, and in this – I take joy.
Xoox, Bug
The email came to all on the address list, me included. I knew it was a mistake; a lack of deletion on a contact list. I was glad to see the email and sat in silence while reading it. She was re-creating her website, had a new URL and a pending new last name. She was getting married. I got up from the sofa and walked out onto the back balcony and looked out over the Paris skyline. The light from the Eiffel Tower spun by like a comet across the night sky. I held my glass of wine and cried. I was happy in the news, and unsettled at the same time. She had found “it”, and I was still the same. In truth I didn’t understand so much – I felt more deserving, more ready. I felt horrible for the mixed emotion and selfish sense of entitlement. It was not so much that I wanted her to “have not”; it was just that I longed to “have”. Twenty-four months to find a man who wanted, who was not afraid to say it, to hold, to ask, to create a life of two.
The second time was yesterday. I was at home listening to Debussy’s Claire De Lune; refinishing furniture. Isabel and I had not spoken in thirty days due to her move to Madrid on April 30th. Her special someone is a French man, Arnaud. She, a beautiful Latina; the new life – Madrid. They met in early October last year in San Francisco where they both lived. At the end of October I met him as well; over coffee in Los Angeles. I liked him immediately. She was still guarded and unsure.
By December she was jumpy; he wanted to spend the holidays with her. She was headed to Paris for work for a week. I talked her off the ledge. “It is not like he asked you to meet him on Christmas Eve at the altar.” I joked. She laughed into the receiver and exhaled. “You are right, I need to just go with it and relax.” In February, she was in Paris again and another phone call came. Something was different in her voice. “I have some news” rolled off her tongue with hesitation. “Oh, ISA!!!” I knew exactly what this news must be. They were going to have a baby.
They were moving to Madrid together. He needed her and wanted to make a life with her; and in this, they created a life, a new life in two forms. Yesterday I received an email from Arnaud with a link to their WordPress Blog outlining their new life in Madrid. One post caught my eye. It was a picture of Isabel, beautiful Isabel. The post read that if anyone wondered why he uprooted his life in San Francisco, all they had to do was look at his beautiful “Guapa”. I instantly loved him more – because of the love he has for her. Then an email from Isa came. “We are getting married in Normandy in August.
I got up from the computer, walked into my bathroom and held the sink. I cried. I cried because I miss my friend; I cried because I was happy that her dreams came true and I cried because she too had found a man who wanted, who was not afraid to say it, to hold, to ask and to create a life – for three.
As I finish this post this morning, the tears well up again. This time – just out of joy and the realization that there are good men out there, men who want as I do, men who are not afraid to say it, to act on a good thing when a good thing is presented into their life. It is like the sunrise I guess. We somehow forget how spectacular it is, and when we witness it in all its beauty, we must pause, and let the tears come for a moment in appreciation, and the hope that each new day brings. The promise of something wonderful. I know a day can change a life. I look forward to that day. I know it will happen for me too, and in this – I take joy.
Xoox, Bug
Monday, May 28, 2007
A Letter To My Cousin
When I was in the second grade, my parents decided to leave sunny Florida to buy a farm in Sevierville, Tennessee (think Dollywood) because my mother was way into The Mother Earth News and wanted to work the land and restore and old farm house. It was country to say the least back then. Our farm was between the road and a small house that sat behind our property.
You will see that I wrote about Mr. MacMahan shooting at Ms. Hill (Dolly Parton's aunt who lived in the house behind our farm.) They had a long-standing feud and when they would get drunk they would fight, and one night, he stood at the top of our road and shot their house up. We moved right after that - my dad was put in jail for reporting it as the Sheriff was a MacMahan son. I kid you not. But all that aside, we sure did have a fun year living on that farm with our tractor and cows and hay barn. I learned to skin a rabbit from my brother. He was 9 and I was 6. Good times (well, except for the Hatfield and McCoys.)
March, 1976 2nd grade (forgive the mistakes, I was just 6)
Machelle I do hope you can come up easter. It probbly wont snow. you wont wory abought getting your feet cold. one day we got to take are shoes off. PS did you know that Brother Baker dided, and so did pop Gerber. Are naber Mr. Mac got mad and started shooting at Miss hill, his sister and sammy doesn't like his classroom and rembrant is dowing fine but laidy isint she has a broke leg. Bossy is fat and claf's are dowing fine. I can tell you hoo are the teachers pets. hear they are.
Friday, May 25, 2007
What do you hope to see?
I saw that you came by – you seemed to look at everything - the labels and archives. Were you looking for you? You’re not here anymore.
I also saw that you came by too. Not sure how you found me, but I feel like you are intruding a little. You too made a choice and I don’t really feel that you need to read about my life as it is now. I am happy and that should be enough for you to know. You erased me – so let me stay that way to you now. Give that to me. Let us not linger in the past, or look back. Decisions are made for a reason.
You both chose something else. I always find it ironic that when something is in front of us we don’t realize what we have until it is gone. We don’t appreciate, and we think we have time to dally and to make up our minds later. That is not always the case. Time marches on – people move on. I have moved on, and I wish you both well. That should be enough. Want to read something? Grab a book.
I also saw that you came by too. Not sure how you found me, but I feel like you are intruding a little. You too made a choice and I don’t really feel that you need to read about my life as it is now. I am happy and that should be enough for you to know. You erased me – so let me stay that way to you now. Give that to me. Let us not linger in the past, or look back. Decisions are made for a reason.
You both chose something else. I always find it ironic that when something is in front of us we don’t realize what we have until it is gone. We don’t appreciate, and we think we have time to dally and to make up our minds later. That is not always the case. Time marches on – people move on. I have moved on, and I wish you both well. That should be enough. Want to read something? Grab a book.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Bad Mother
I was in a store today looking at sunglasses beside a cute younger girl. She was dressed well, had shiny black hair and looked to be about 15 years old. She bumped me with the sunglass stile and apologized with a shy smile, she was polite.
Her mother was shopping in the store with her and must have been looking for the girl. (It is a Loehman’s, so it is not very big and you can see from one end to the other with no problems.)
When she approached her daughter who was now standing at the costume jewelry case next to me she began her verbal assault. She was mean, she was angry and she grit her teeth when speaking to her daughter. I watched, kind of stunned by her actions. She wasn’t loud by any means, but her tone was unlike anything I had heard. She practically spat her disdain. If someone spoke to me like that, I would assume they hated me. I cannot imagine my mother ever speaking to me that way, and trust me at 15 I gave her a run for her money and got taken down a notch or two many times, but never as an all out attack filled with venomous hate.
I am sure that as a teenager, she can get on nerves, and most likely at some point in their morning that girl had pushed a button or two. However, the treatment she got was just so very sad. After several hateful sentences, her mother told her to get her “ass” up to the counter and pay for her items and that she would be waiting in the car. They were affluent people, looking like they wanted for nothing materially. I couldn’t help but think the girl would trade in her Abercrombie in a second for a little love.
I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was staring at her mother, and as she looked at me when her daughter walked away I shook my head. She gave me a haughty look of arrogance – which is never a wise thing to do. I can do haughty bitch with the best of them. I had a couple of things to say to her, right there in the middle of the store. I figured if she put her business on the street for all to witness, then I could put my response on that street as well.
I told her she should be ashamed, and that she was a disappointment to her gender. I also told her that it must hurt her daughter very much to feel that her mother despises her that much. She didn’t say a word. She just stood there in shock. I told her that I didn’t feel a bit sorry for calling her out and that she just flat out lacked any class and that she was a mule in horse harness. I turned my back on her and walked away. I could have yanked her diamond hoop earrings from the sides of her head. She is lucky that I was in a good mood. She sure could dish it out on a young one, but didn’t seem near as tough when confronted with an equal. When I turned to give her one last look, she was still standing there – naked and exposed.
She deserved it – and more.
When she approached her daughter who was now standing at the costume jewelry case next to me she began her verbal assault. She was mean, she was angry and she grit her teeth when speaking to her daughter. I watched, kind of stunned by her actions. She wasn’t loud by any means, but her tone was unlike anything I had heard. She practically spat her disdain. If someone spoke to me like that, I would assume they hated me. I cannot imagine my mother ever speaking to me that way, and trust me at 15 I gave her a run for her money and got taken down a notch or two many times, but never as an all out attack filled with venomous hate.
I am sure that as a teenager, she can get on nerves, and most likely at some point in their morning that girl had pushed a button or two. However, the treatment she got was just so very sad. After several hateful sentences, her mother told her to get her “ass” up to the counter and pay for her items and that she would be waiting in the car. They were affluent people, looking like they wanted for nothing materially. I couldn’t help but think the girl would trade in her Abercrombie in a second for a little love.
I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was staring at her mother, and as she looked at me when her daughter walked away I shook my head. She gave me a haughty look of arrogance – which is never a wise thing to do. I can do haughty bitch with the best of them. I had a couple of things to say to her, right there in the middle of the store. I figured if she put her business on the street for all to witness, then I could put my response on that street as well.
I told her she should be ashamed, and that she was a disappointment to her gender. I also told her that it must hurt her daughter very much to feel that her mother despises her that much. She didn’t say a word. She just stood there in shock. I told her that I didn’t feel a bit sorry for calling her out and that she just flat out lacked any class and that she was a mule in horse harness. I turned my back on her and walked away. I could have yanked her diamond hoop earrings from the sides of her head. She is lucky that I was in a good mood. She sure could dish it out on a young one, but didn’t seem near as tough when confronted with an equal. When I turned to give her one last look, she was still standing there – naked and exposed.
She deserved it – and more.
Defending
One of the hardest feelings to experience is defending character. I can imagine how desperate those who were accused of a crime, or a lie or an action that they didn’t do must feel. The absolute feeling of desperation to have the truth about you be apparent, to have someone see enough in you to believe that you are what you say, you do what is right and you act with dignity and honor and truth.
One of the things I pride myself on most in this world is being honorable. To do the right thing is paramount; the way I was raised. I take this very, very seriously. It is a reflection on my parents, my relationship with God and my core value system. To be called into question over and over again on minor things irritates me. I feel that my actions show who I am. I will only defend myself with calmness for so long. Patience is not my strong suit, nor is having to fight to show someone that I can be trusted. I also remember everything. Conversations, time-lines, stories and words etch themselves into me.
Sometimes things don’t add up and I keep a mental record of the event that broke the sequence. I hold on to it and I watch. If the pattern repeats then I become wary. One broken sequence puts me on watch for others. While I do not judge people, I do expect complete honesty – because I give it. I go into relationships with people with complete trust. I never expect them to do wrong to me and I often find myself disappointed in that regard. I don’t want to change that about myself. I don’t want to become so guarded that I look for things that are not there. If that means that I get hit from time to time with a hurtful truth, then so be it. I am determined to trust until I am given a reason not to, not the other way around. In that same regard, I expect to be trusted.
I am not someone from your past. Your old wrongs do not belong to me, nor will I carry the burden of proof over them. I am a very, very proud person. Not in a boasting way, but in a way that is a badge of accomplishment. I do not have to pretend to be something that I am not in this life. I have worked very hard to be accomplished, to be worthy, to be trusted, and to give with an open heart. I have absolute pride in my character. I do not have the desire or the inclination to defend myself in this life. Either you see me for who I am or you don’t. The burden is not mine prove.
One of the things I pride myself on most in this world is being honorable. To do the right thing is paramount; the way I was raised. I take this very, very seriously. It is a reflection on my parents, my relationship with God and my core value system. To be called into question over and over again on minor things irritates me. I feel that my actions show who I am. I will only defend myself with calmness for so long. Patience is not my strong suit, nor is having to fight to show someone that I can be trusted. I also remember everything. Conversations, time-lines, stories and words etch themselves into me.
Sometimes things don’t add up and I keep a mental record of the event that broke the sequence. I hold on to it and I watch. If the pattern repeats then I become wary. One broken sequence puts me on watch for others. While I do not judge people, I do expect complete honesty – because I give it. I go into relationships with people with complete trust. I never expect them to do wrong to me and I often find myself disappointed in that regard. I don’t want to change that about myself. I don’t want to become so guarded that I look for things that are not there. If that means that I get hit from time to time with a hurtful truth, then so be it. I am determined to trust until I am given a reason not to, not the other way around. In that same regard, I expect to be trusted.
I am not someone from your past. Your old wrongs do not belong to me, nor will I carry the burden of proof over them. I am a very, very proud person. Not in a boasting way, but in a way that is a badge of accomplishment. I do not have to pretend to be something that I am not in this life. I have worked very hard to be accomplished, to be worthy, to be trusted, and to give with an open heart. I have absolute pride in my character. I do not have the desire or the inclination to defend myself in this life. Either you see me for who I am or you don’t. The burden is not mine prove.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Save Me From Myself
I have been "retired" for a month now "officially". I have made lists and lists of things to do and have done most of them.
I have also gone through every closet and drawer in the house and organized them over and over - tightening down each time I find something that needs to be grouped with something else of it's kind. I have put cedar "flowers" on my Coats for goodness sake and put my good suits and cocktail dresses in plastic bags.
Oh, and on Sunday I color-coordinated my closet and then organized it by sleeve length, pants length, etc.
I have COLOR COORDINATED my closet. Somebody needs to save me from myself!!!
Might be time to go back to work. How am I ever gonna last till August???
xoxo, Bug
xoxo, Bug
Monday, May 21, 2007
Connecting Dots
How well I understand this, as I am alone too and I find that I talk to people everywhere just for the conversation and connection. I laugh and cut up with people all over town. People are comfortable with me and I am amazed that each place I go people open up and we end up laughing and sometimes exchanging business cards – everyone seems to leave with a smile. It is so simple, it is connection.
When I realized that you just wanted connection to another human being, I exhaled a little and began to tease you about cooking and “back in the day”. It turns out that your name is Walter and you are 82 years old. You have a tattoo on your arm signaling that you were in the Navy. I asked you about that and you told me that you were in WWII. I was fascinated and felt humbled in respect for the life you lived. Your “sweetheart” passed on some years ago after 59 years of marriage. Alice.
Your family lives nearby, a son and two daughters. You live alone and do quite well – you look great, you walk a lot, your fit and sharp minded. I think the only thing missing is her – and so you go to the market – to connect. I am so pleased to have connected with you. I learned from you a valuable thing once again. We all need to feel a part of the collective. Walter, I do too – and together, right in the middle of the market – we were.
Thank you, and see you soon! Your new friend, Mellissa
Thursday, May 17, 2007
More Bug Essentials
Writing the last post on this was fun - and I loved the responses back on the things you really like - I am actually going out to investigate Hanae Mori because I hear it is amazing - not because I need another fragrance, and for the record, I saw it at Loehmans the day before and wondered about it!! See, it's a sign.
So here are some other things I really love, use and recommend or want!! My top pick of all is the Longchamp Le Pliage bags. It is something that I can't survive without and love so much that I have purchased them for every member of my family. They are great to use for weekends away or as extra "luggage" in your luggage when you travel. You always can use them while you are out shopping, and then to carry the loot in when you are going home. I recommend the dark colors, Navy, Olive, Black for durability. Once you own one, you will own another.
Enjoy!
Mireille Guiliano - Who I'd love to be when I grow up. Tres Francaise, tres jolie!!!
Hermes Eau D'Orange Vert - It is a unisex fragrance - citrus/lime - I wear it in the summer.
Judith Ripka - John Hardy / Lagos / David Yurman don't do it for me, but Judith does.
Van Cleef & Arpels - Magic Alhambra is something I dream of owning one day...
Mary Phillips - These cards, magnets, etc. CRACK ME UP!! Put on your big girl panties rocks!
Tend Skin - Wether you shave or wax this is a MUST for summer....men can use it too.
Spanx - I left them off before, but love them under white pants!! Thx for the reminder Bec!
Joe Malone - Love it all - so does my Mom - It's her "thing".
Loccitane - The eye gel is amazing, especially for travel. I use as an eye mask when I am tired.
Lather - The lip balm is great as is the Wasabi lotion.
McCann's Steel Oats - I don't do oatmeal flakes, I really prefer the actual grain. It is amazing!!
Le Petit Francais - This bread is shipped from France flash/frozen. Try the croissant too!
Wine Pour Assist - These are ingenious little gadgets, Pascale turned me on to these. Love em'!
Dirt - Yep, it is called Dirt. Hair product from Jonathan. Makes your hair stay put!!
Longchamp - LE PLIAGE!! I have 7 in all sizes. My favorite thing on earth. They fold up!!
Garden of Life - Love this all food based vitamin. No synthetics - just food based - perfect!
Henri Bendle Candle - The most fragrant candle of all!! I use Vanilla Bean with Patchouli WOW!
Absorba - My favorite baby clothing. Details, details - quality, no rough seams..and French!! ;-)
R. Nichols designs - I am a nut for good leather and good stationery products, it's my "thing"...
Henckel knives - An investment but if you love to cook - these are the bomb!!
All Clad Stainless - See above. They can be found on sale also so no need to pay full price.
The Gourmet - This cookbook is great and a must have for me. It is now only $12 - come on!!
Stacy Boyd - These are my calling cards for summer, people remember them all the time - cute!
Indulge Travel...
Oustau De Baumaniere - If you ever go to Provence. It is magic. Micheline 4 Star restaurant - AMAZING like you have never had. Eat out and listen to the ciccada's, you will never forget it!
Hotel Dokhan - My favorite hotel in Paris hands down since 1993. You sometimes just want to stay in the room - features a beautiful Louis Vuitton Trunk Elevator. Sits in the 16th Arrondissement - Trocadero - my favorite.
So here are some other things I really love, use and recommend or want!! My top pick of all is the Longchamp Le Pliage bags. It is something that I can't survive without and love so much that I have purchased them for every member of my family. They are great to use for weekends away or as extra "luggage" in your luggage when you travel. You always can use them while you are out shopping, and then to carry the loot in when you are going home. I recommend the dark colors, Navy, Olive, Black for durability. Once you own one, you will own another.
Enjoy!
Mireille Guiliano - Who I'd love to be when I grow up. Tres Francaise, tres jolie!!!
Hermes Eau D'Orange Vert - It is a unisex fragrance - citrus/lime - I wear it in the summer.
Judith Ripka - John Hardy / Lagos / David Yurman don't do it for me, but Judith does.
Van Cleef & Arpels - Magic Alhambra is something I dream of owning one day...
Mary Phillips - These cards, magnets, etc. CRACK ME UP!! Put on your big girl panties rocks!
Tend Skin - Wether you shave or wax this is a MUST for summer....men can use it too.
Spanx - I left them off before, but love them under white pants!! Thx for the reminder Bec!
Joe Malone - Love it all - so does my Mom - It's her "thing".
Loccitane - The eye gel is amazing, especially for travel. I use as an eye mask when I am tired.
Lather - The lip balm is great as is the Wasabi lotion.
McCann's Steel Oats - I don't do oatmeal flakes, I really prefer the actual grain. It is amazing!!
Le Petit Francais - This bread is shipped from France flash/frozen. Try the croissant too!
Wine Pour Assist - These are ingenious little gadgets, Pascale turned me on to these. Love em'!
Dirt - Yep, it is called Dirt. Hair product from Jonathan. Makes your hair stay put!!
Longchamp - LE PLIAGE!! I have 7 in all sizes. My favorite thing on earth. They fold up!!
Garden of Life - Love this all food based vitamin. No synthetics - just food based - perfect!
Henri Bendle Candle - The most fragrant candle of all!! I use Vanilla Bean with Patchouli WOW!
Absorba - My favorite baby clothing. Details, details - quality, no rough seams..and French!! ;-)
R. Nichols designs - I am a nut for good leather and good stationery products, it's my "thing"...
Henckel knives - An investment but if you love to cook - these are the bomb!!
All Clad Stainless - See above. They can be found on sale also so no need to pay full price.
The Gourmet - This cookbook is great and a must have for me. It is now only $12 - come on!!
Stacy Boyd - These are my calling cards for summer, people remember them all the time - cute!
Indulge Travel...
Oustau De Baumaniere - If you ever go to Provence. It is magic. Micheline 4 Star restaurant - AMAZING like you have never had. Eat out and listen to the ciccada's, you will never forget it!
Hotel Dokhan - My favorite hotel in Paris hands down since 1993. You sometimes just want to stay in the room - features a beautiful Louis Vuitton Trunk Elevator. Sits in the 16th Arrondissement - Trocadero - my favorite.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Telling You - Telling Me
Sitting at the kitchen table talking is one of my favorite things about "us". Idle chatter and scheming with a dose of smart a$$ and funny threats; mock competition. We are sure set in our ways and competitive - that makes me laugh.
When I first met you I was much different than I am now. I didn't show you the simple side of me. I hadn't learned to take down the mask and show my face yet. That was December and in May I was more comfortable with me so I let you see me.
As we sat there our last morning together, I told you something about me. Something I never told anyone else - and no one else knows about me except my parents. It felt really good to trust you enough to tell you that. I liked the way you reacted. I could see you have a flash across your face that you had something personal too. Telling me was uncomfortable for you, I could see it. But it was really nothing and I don't judge people or jump to conclusions.
I am not sure really why I am writing this post, but I guess it is to tell you how much I valued Telling you, and in return you Telling me. We trusted enough, and that is a special, special thing. I am so honored that you trust "you" with me.
xoxo,
M
When I first met you I was much different than I am now. I didn't show you the simple side of me. I hadn't learned to take down the mask and show my face yet. That was December and in May I was more comfortable with me so I let you see me.
As we sat there our last morning together, I told you something about me. Something I never told anyone else - and no one else knows about me except my parents. It felt really good to trust you enough to tell you that. I liked the way you reacted. I could see you have a flash across your face that you had something personal too. Telling me was uncomfortable for you, I could see it. But it was really nothing and I don't judge people or jump to conclusions.
I am not sure really why I am writing this post, but I guess it is to tell you how much I valued Telling you, and in return you Telling me. We trusted enough, and that is a special, special thing. I am so honored that you trust "you" with me.
xoxo,
M
Monday, May 14, 2007
Bug Essentials
Michael Kors - Best blouses ever, my favorite handbags and swimsuits - I was just at his store Friday - he he!! Two bags, two blouses and the brown swimsuit came home with me ;-)
Max Studio - When I want to indulge in a great suit or dress. Their designs are so me!
Tasha Tudor - Someone who fascinates me. If you read about her she will fascinate you too!! Designhergals - Create a caricature of yourself - my calling cards!!
Pomellato - I love the Capri Line in Turquoise - one day.....
Earth Therapeutics - I love the Hydro Eye Patches
Votivo Candles - I love Sea Island Grapefruit
Gap Shorts - My summer staple - I love the "favorite chino" style
Budior Pillows - I love Leyla's pillows - have them all over the house, they make me smile!
The Tymes Limited - I love the Limon line of creams
Mac Lip Gloss - I love "Pop Mode" and "Viva Glam V"
Shutterfly - I make my own greeting cards from my photographs here.
Kerastasse - I love the Nutrative product line - can't live without it!
Orly Nailpolish - I think it is better than OPI - Haute Red is my favorite for toes!!
Champion Workout Clothes - These are my favorite shorts!! I am also a big fan of Addidas! Annick Goutal - My Paris indulgence is now in the US. I wear Mandragore and Eau de Sud. TMZ - Gossip, Gossip, Gossip!
Brooks Brothers No Iron Shirts - A must have for the traveler!!! Long sleeve and sleeveless! Lumene - I used to work for the Estee Lauder Corp. This line is better and inexpensive!
If you all have any "loves", please send them along!!! I really like discovering new things!
Max Studio - When I want to indulge in a great suit or dress. Their designs are so me!
Tasha Tudor - Someone who fascinates me. If you read about her she will fascinate you too!! Designhergals - Create a caricature of yourself - my calling cards!!
Pomellato - I love the Capri Line in Turquoise - one day.....
Earth Therapeutics - I love the Hydro Eye Patches
Votivo Candles - I love Sea Island Grapefruit
Gap Shorts - My summer staple - I love the "favorite chino" style
Budior Pillows - I love Leyla's pillows - have them all over the house, they make me smile!
The Tymes Limited - I love the Limon line of creams
Mac Lip Gloss - I love "Pop Mode" and "Viva Glam V"
Shutterfly - I make my own greeting cards from my photographs here.
Kerastasse - I love the Nutrative product line - can't live without it!
Orly Nailpolish - I think it is better than OPI - Haute Red is my favorite for toes!!
Champion Workout Clothes - These are my favorite shorts!! I am also a big fan of Addidas! Annick Goutal - My Paris indulgence is now in the US. I wear Mandragore and Eau de Sud. TMZ - Gossip, Gossip, Gossip!
Brooks Brothers No Iron Shirts - A must have for the traveler!!! Long sleeve and sleeveless! Lumene - I used to work for the Estee Lauder Corp. This line is better and inexpensive!
If you all have any "loves", please send them along!!! I really like discovering new things!
The Man Purse, Don’t Wad, Hold The Door!!
I don’t know what is up with the resurgence of the man purse lately, but it is kind of bugging me….I mean men, why do some of you need a purse? You don’t appear to be a tourist needing to stow a camera or maps etc. and I am sure that you picked out your Gucci/Prada/Lambertson bag with care, however – it is just WEIRD to see a man with a man purse.
Now, if I might indulge here in a little cross-continental contradiction…..it looks far more normal to see a European man with a wristlet man style purse. For some reason they look like they belong with a little extra; a space to tuck this season’s Prada sunglasses, their iPod for the train and their La Prarie lip balm. They are also men with impeccably cut Armani suits and Etro shirts and fine leather goods. American men don’t pull that look together for the most part. So to see a man in cargo shorts, Birkies and an Abercrombie shirt with a Gucci man purse just looks out of place – maybe that’s it – it is out of place. Besides, men get all the perks in life (peeing standing up, pretty much guaranteed your orgasm, age better, loose weight faster, etc.) so I think you need to leave the purse alone!!! Let us women have our purses and shoes and you can keep peeing standing up and looking great at 50 o.k.!!!
Moving on…
I have this strange thing that bugs me….when I go purchase an article of clothing I get really irritated if the cashier wads up my clothes and shoves them in the shopping bag. I will stand right at the counter, give a quasi-dirty look and pull the clothes out to fold them properly right in front of them. It is not that I am trying to be bitchy or anything, but hey, I just paid for that with my hard earned cash and I don’t want it to look like I found it waded under the bed from five years ago. This happened to me at Target yesterday and again I was pissed off. It was just some workout shirts and shorts (I had to go buy smaller ones – he he) and the little chicky just rolled them all up in a ball and shoved them in the bag – hanger on and all. Is it so hard to fold something?? Did the retail industry FORGET that is one of the things you DO!!! In Paris it is such a treat to shop! You can buy a 1 Euro pen and they will box it in a colorful pen box, put it in a little bag and place a beautiful seal on it – just for you – they respect that a purchase is a “gift” for you too sometimes!!! While I don’t expect confetti and gift bags all the time, a fold would be a nice change!!
Moving on…
I hate it when you hold the door for someone and they walk through it without acknowledging you or saying thank you!!! This is a biggie for me. I learned to be polite all the time and I hold doors even when I get there first. I would be mortified to think I let the door shut on someone who was a few steps behind me. However, I am getting really frustrated in this city where people have NO idea or NO manners to say “thank you” for anything. I have gotten to the point that I say “You’re welcome” in a bad way when they pass me by and breeze in the door that I am holding as if I were a doorman on Fifth Avenue and they were Paris Hilton. I dream about sticking my foot out and tripping them….I think I am becoming mean…I think it is bad to be polite in action and mean in your heart. I think about yanking hair and pulling them back out the door and going in first…is that wrong??? Ha ha!!!
O.k. so now I ranted a little. I just have this stuff rolling around in my head sometimes and it has to come out. Not the best of posts, but really some things just make me shake my head and I have to tell you all about it ;-)
xoox,
Bug
Now, if I might indulge here in a little cross-continental contradiction…..it looks far more normal to see a European man with a wristlet man style purse. For some reason they look like they belong with a little extra; a space to tuck this season’s Prada sunglasses, their iPod for the train and their La Prarie lip balm. They are also men with impeccably cut Armani suits and Etro shirts and fine leather goods. American men don’t pull that look together for the most part. So to see a man in cargo shorts, Birkies and an Abercrombie shirt with a Gucci man purse just looks out of place – maybe that’s it – it is out of place. Besides, men get all the perks in life (peeing standing up, pretty much guaranteed your orgasm, age better, loose weight faster, etc.) so I think you need to leave the purse alone!!! Let us women have our purses and shoes and you can keep peeing standing up and looking great at 50 o.k.!!!
Moving on…
I have this strange thing that bugs me….when I go purchase an article of clothing I get really irritated if the cashier wads up my clothes and shoves them in the shopping bag. I will stand right at the counter, give a quasi-dirty look and pull the clothes out to fold them properly right in front of them. It is not that I am trying to be bitchy or anything, but hey, I just paid for that with my hard earned cash and I don’t want it to look like I found it waded under the bed from five years ago. This happened to me at Target yesterday and again I was pissed off. It was just some workout shirts and shorts (I had to go buy smaller ones – he he) and the little chicky just rolled them all up in a ball and shoved them in the bag – hanger on and all. Is it so hard to fold something?? Did the retail industry FORGET that is one of the things you DO!!! In Paris it is such a treat to shop! You can buy a 1 Euro pen and they will box it in a colorful pen box, put it in a little bag and place a beautiful seal on it – just for you – they respect that a purchase is a “gift” for you too sometimes!!! While I don’t expect confetti and gift bags all the time, a fold would be a nice change!!
Moving on…
I hate it when you hold the door for someone and they walk through it without acknowledging you or saying thank you!!! This is a biggie for me. I learned to be polite all the time and I hold doors even when I get there first. I would be mortified to think I let the door shut on someone who was a few steps behind me. However, I am getting really frustrated in this city where people have NO idea or NO manners to say “thank you” for anything. I have gotten to the point that I say “You’re welcome” in a bad way when they pass me by and breeze in the door that I am holding as if I were a doorman on Fifth Avenue and they were Paris Hilton. I dream about sticking my foot out and tripping them….I think I am becoming mean…I think it is bad to be polite in action and mean in your heart. I think about yanking hair and pulling them back out the door and going in first…is that wrong??? Ha ha!!!
O.k. so now I ranted a little. I just have this stuff rolling around in my head sometimes and it has to come out. Not the best of posts, but really some things just make me shake my head and I have to tell you all about it ;-)
xoox,
Bug
Friday, May 11, 2007
In All Things – Kindness
This morning I was looking back at my photo albums, looking for some photographs of my yard and deck from when I was married. Working out in Greg’s yard the past few days reminded me of when I had that pride of planting in my own yard, that sense of satisfaction and things in bloom.
Instead, I came across some photographs of myself before my surgery and I started thinking about weight and how it affects people and how I felt back then. You see, I was always a thin child, a thin adult until I was about 35 years old.
Looking back at the photographs of myself just before surgery I was reminded of the pain, the embarrassment and the confusion of that time. I went from 145 lbs to 184 lbs in a year. I felt horrible and masculine. I started fighting the weight gain as best I knew how. I cut my food back to one meal a day; I hired a personal trainer and worked out four to five days a week. I was sore all the time and took Epsom salt baths to ease my muscles and Motrin to ease the pain. Nothing was working and the weight kept coming on. I felt so defeated and desperate. I was wearing a size 16 and dressing in a lot of black to hide the flaws. I was always immaculate and well groomed, but inside I was a horrible mess.
I began a diet in an attempt to fight it. I joined Weight Watchers and began eating five small meals a day and the weight jumped again. I focused on food more than anything, was I eating it all wrong? Was I following directions closely enough? I obsessed about it. I began to purge if I felt that I had eaten something “wrong”; food was the “enemy”. My trainer was killing me, she was as frustrated as I was and she overworked me in an attempt to force my body to burn the fat. I had pulled muscles all the time and my ribs hurt. I quickly realized that I could not “rid” myself of the food I ate so I stopped that habit quickly and resumed the one meal a day rule. Not the best plan, but better than what I was doing.
I was convinced that people thought I was lying about being confused by the weight-gain. I was sure they believed that I was stopping off at the donut shop or eating in secret. I wasn’t. It was just all beyond my control.
I am so thankful that I found out what the problem was after reading an article about the news anchor Jane Robelot. A viewer had been watching her newscast and noticed a swelling in her neck and wrote to her about it. It turns out that she had Grave’s disease, an autoimmune disease caused by the malfunction of the Thyroid gland. I reached up to feel my neck. I had thought that it was swollen, but attributed it to my weight gain. Feeling that this was a sign, I called my doctor and made an appointment. Sure enough, I had a tumor the size of an egg on the right lobe of my Thyroid and had developed a disease called Hashimoto’s Tyroiditis. Needle biopsies, radioactive iodine treatments and monitoring followed and then the news that I needed an immediate complete Tyroidectomy. I was so happy in a way to know that I wasn’t to “blame” for what had happened to me, and at the same time I was afraid of a major surgery. My tumor had suspect cells that my Endocrinologist and ENT felt were pre-cancerous. They said they needed to remove my Thyroid immediately so the four hour surgery was scheduled.
It is now three and a half years later and I am down to 155 lbs and my medication is finally working effectively (it took three years). I have ten pounds to go and a determination to work it off the right way, the balanced way. Most of the weight came off immediately after my surgery and I felt good again. I felt vindicated, I felt pretty again. I was a size 10.
Then one day a man I was dating made a statement that cut me like nothing I had experienced before. He attacked me about my body, he told me that I had a “big ass” and that my body was “borderline on what a man finds attractive.” Although I have forgiven him, those words still haunt me. He did not know of the deep emotional pain I still had about that time in my life. He was not aware of the real struggle I had or the desperate lengths I had gone through. He took something with those words, and I felt so ugly and unattractive; again. If he felt that way about me, I imagined so did everyone else. I was fat, I was unworthy and I was unattractive. I did not want to be naked in front of him anymore, and each time I took my clothes off I wondered to myself what he was thinking. I could not express myself sexually with him in the ways I had done before. My mind was always reverting back to what I knew he “really” thought of me. It was a difficult time and the relationship ultimately did not survive, mostly based on that, even though I never told him that was the reason.
Now I am in a quasi-relationship with a man who has a perfect body. Perfect. He works out five days a week, has a body that people glance sideways at when we are out and looks like a masterpiece of human form. He also is kind to me about my body, he wants to hold me and touch me and leave the lights on so he can see every inch of me. At first that was hard as I was ashamed, thinking that surely he hated the way I looked too and just was not saying it. He called me a “hottie”, said I was “gorgeous” and he really meant it. I remember not wanting to meet him at first. I was convinced that he would reject me based on my less than perfect body. I thought he would take one look at me and send me away, not telling me the real reason why. He didn’t do that.
His kindness and acceptance of me, just the way I am gave me the ultimate motivation to become the best I can be. I am making such progress and loving what I see in the mirror again. I still have round thighs, and a stomach that needs to flatten out and a layer of fat that covers me in areas I don’t want it to, but it is only a matter of time before it retreats now that my body is repaired and has the metabolic ability to burn. He gave me a gift in his kindness to me, in his acceptance of me. He will never know the amount of that gift, or what he gave back to me. I can stand fully in front of him, no inhibitions and no fear. He gives me tools to help me instead of humiliation. He inspires me to be better, and better I am becoming because of him.
So in closing, I am sharing this with you all today to say this. Be kind to people, no matter what the “imperfection” in them might be. Be supportive, be loving, and motivate though example and participation. Choose words carefully and think before you speak. We are all so fragile and need love and understanding. Life is hard enough, especially when someone is fighting to accept and love themselves. I think we all have something inside that hurts us. When you start to criticize someone, think about what it is inside of you that causes you pain and embarrassment and use that to temper your words. Lead by example, empower people to be their best – and realize that might be something different than your best.
I know that what I went through made me a better person, a kinder person and a more empathetic person. When I look back now on that time in my life, I am thankful that I experienced it, as it caused me to grow and be a better person now, a more understanding person now.
And to Greg, thank you for your support and your kind words, and your acceptance of me. You give me wings and you made me feel truly beautiful again. It is the most valuable gift I have ever received in my life.
Ephesians 4:32
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another....."
Tenderhearted means that we are sensitive to the distresses and sufferings of others, and move quickly to do what we can to aid them.
Instead, I came across some photographs of myself before my surgery and I started thinking about weight and how it affects people and how I felt back then. You see, I was always a thin child, a thin adult until I was about 35 years old.
Looking back at the photographs of myself just before surgery I was reminded of the pain, the embarrassment and the confusion of that time. I went from 145 lbs to 184 lbs in a year. I felt horrible and masculine. I started fighting the weight gain as best I knew how. I cut my food back to one meal a day; I hired a personal trainer and worked out four to five days a week. I was sore all the time and took Epsom salt baths to ease my muscles and Motrin to ease the pain. Nothing was working and the weight kept coming on. I felt so defeated and desperate. I was wearing a size 16 and dressing in a lot of black to hide the flaws. I was always immaculate and well groomed, but inside I was a horrible mess.
I began a diet in an attempt to fight it. I joined Weight Watchers and began eating five small meals a day and the weight jumped again. I focused on food more than anything, was I eating it all wrong? Was I following directions closely enough? I obsessed about it. I began to purge if I felt that I had eaten something “wrong”; food was the “enemy”. My trainer was killing me, she was as frustrated as I was and she overworked me in an attempt to force my body to burn the fat. I had pulled muscles all the time and my ribs hurt. I quickly realized that I could not “rid” myself of the food I ate so I stopped that habit quickly and resumed the one meal a day rule. Not the best plan, but better than what I was doing.
I was convinced that people thought I was lying about being confused by the weight-gain. I was sure they believed that I was stopping off at the donut shop or eating in secret. I wasn’t. It was just all beyond my control.
I am so thankful that I found out what the problem was after reading an article about the news anchor Jane Robelot. A viewer had been watching her newscast and noticed a swelling in her neck and wrote to her about it. It turns out that she had Grave’s disease, an autoimmune disease caused by the malfunction of the Thyroid gland. I reached up to feel my neck. I had thought that it was swollen, but attributed it to my weight gain. Feeling that this was a sign, I called my doctor and made an appointment. Sure enough, I had a tumor the size of an egg on the right lobe of my Thyroid and had developed a disease called Hashimoto’s Tyroiditis. Needle biopsies, radioactive iodine treatments and monitoring followed and then the news that I needed an immediate complete Tyroidectomy. I was so happy in a way to know that I wasn’t to “blame” for what had happened to me, and at the same time I was afraid of a major surgery. My tumor had suspect cells that my Endocrinologist and ENT felt were pre-cancerous. They said they needed to remove my Thyroid immediately so the four hour surgery was scheduled.
It is now three and a half years later and I am down to 155 lbs and my medication is finally working effectively (it took three years). I have ten pounds to go and a determination to work it off the right way, the balanced way. Most of the weight came off immediately after my surgery and I felt good again. I felt vindicated, I felt pretty again. I was a size 10.
Then one day a man I was dating made a statement that cut me like nothing I had experienced before. He attacked me about my body, he told me that I had a “big ass” and that my body was “borderline on what a man finds attractive.” Although I have forgiven him, those words still haunt me. He did not know of the deep emotional pain I still had about that time in my life. He was not aware of the real struggle I had or the desperate lengths I had gone through. He took something with those words, and I felt so ugly and unattractive; again. If he felt that way about me, I imagined so did everyone else. I was fat, I was unworthy and I was unattractive. I did not want to be naked in front of him anymore, and each time I took my clothes off I wondered to myself what he was thinking. I could not express myself sexually with him in the ways I had done before. My mind was always reverting back to what I knew he “really” thought of me. It was a difficult time and the relationship ultimately did not survive, mostly based on that, even though I never told him that was the reason.
Now I am in a quasi-relationship with a man who has a perfect body. Perfect. He works out five days a week, has a body that people glance sideways at when we are out and looks like a masterpiece of human form. He also is kind to me about my body, he wants to hold me and touch me and leave the lights on so he can see every inch of me. At first that was hard as I was ashamed, thinking that surely he hated the way I looked too and just was not saying it. He called me a “hottie”, said I was “gorgeous” and he really meant it. I remember not wanting to meet him at first. I was convinced that he would reject me based on my less than perfect body. I thought he would take one look at me and send me away, not telling me the real reason why. He didn’t do that.
His kindness and acceptance of me, just the way I am gave me the ultimate motivation to become the best I can be. I am making such progress and loving what I see in the mirror again. I still have round thighs, and a stomach that needs to flatten out and a layer of fat that covers me in areas I don’t want it to, but it is only a matter of time before it retreats now that my body is repaired and has the metabolic ability to burn. He gave me a gift in his kindness to me, in his acceptance of me. He will never know the amount of that gift, or what he gave back to me. I can stand fully in front of him, no inhibitions and no fear. He gives me tools to help me instead of humiliation. He inspires me to be better, and better I am becoming because of him.
So in closing, I am sharing this with you all today to say this. Be kind to people, no matter what the “imperfection” in them might be. Be supportive, be loving, and motivate though example and participation. Choose words carefully and think before you speak. We are all so fragile and need love and understanding. Life is hard enough, especially when someone is fighting to accept and love themselves. I think we all have something inside that hurts us. When you start to criticize someone, think about what it is inside of you that causes you pain and embarrassment and use that to temper your words. Lead by example, empower people to be their best – and realize that might be something different than your best.
I know that what I went through made me a better person, a kinder person and a more empathetic person. When I look back now on that time in my life, I am thankful that I experienced it, as it caused me to grow and be a better person now, a more understanding person now.
And to Greg, thank you for your support and your kind words, and your acceptance of me. You give me wings and you made me feel truly beautiful again. It is the most valuable gift I have ever received in my life.
Ephesians 4:32
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another....."
Tenderhearted means that we are sensitive to the distresses and sufferings of others, and move quickly to do what we can to aid them.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
City Life
Lights out. Time for bed. It is different tonight. The thoughts of making sure the house is properly secured and alarm set are back. Sitting out on the back patio was cut short. Something was moving along the bank, too heavy to be a squirrel or raccoon. Perhaps it was someone looking behind the townhouses again, obscure from view, looking for opportunity behind a shield of darkness. One never knows. It has happened before in our neighborhood.
Five nights passed without a thought of these things. Five nights of peaceful rest and lack of worry over safety; my sentinel sleeping beside me, my watch duty called off. Now it is up to me again to make sure, to keep watch, to be safe. This is the city and for now, this is my life.
Welcome home.
Five nights passed without a thought of these things. Five nights of peaceful rest and lack of worry over safety; my sentinel sleeping beside me, my watch duty called off. Now it is up to me again to make sure, to keep watch, to be safe. This is the city and for now, this is my life.
Welcome home.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
One
It is when you reach for me that I feel the most for you. In the dim morning light, your hand reaches out to pull me into a sweet embrace and I feel that I belong here beside you, even if it is only for one morning.
It is in the simple things that I feel the grandness of you. We stand side by side as equals, yet I am the smaller of us and love that you are the leader. I am words to your pictures and voice to your music, even if only for one song.
It is the moment we occupy the same body connection and say nothing, allowing the eyes to express the thoughts we keep safely inside. It is harder for me to refrain from I want to tell you in those moments. I think you read it across my eyes and in the smile I have for you alone, even if that smile is for one moment.
It is in creating something that I feel the partnership and friendship with you. Plans and dreaming and making something that will stand the test, growing each year, reminding you always that I was a part of you, even if only for one season.
Morning, song, moment, season. I take them all and create a beautiful mosaic of us. How sweet, the picture that I see....
It is in the simple things that I feel the grandness of you. We stand side by side as equals, yet I am the smaller of us and love that you are the leader. I am words to your pictures and voice to your music, even if only for one song.
It is the moment we occupy the same body connection and say nothing, allowing the eyes to express the thoughts we keep safely inside. It is harder for me to refrain from I want to tell you in those moments. I think you read it across my eyes and in the smile I have for you alone, even if that smile is for one moment.
It is in creating something that I feel the partnership and friendship with you. Plans and dreaming and making something that will stand the test, growing each year, reminding you always that I was a part of you, even if only for one season.
Morning, song, moment, season. I take them all and create a beautiful mosaic of us. How sweet, the picture that I see....
Being You
I am realizing more and more the importance of being fully "You" in this life. I am a unique and wonderful woman. I thank God and my parents for instilling in me the best and the simple. I love the fact that I am feeling so much more comfortable being in my own skin, and showing others the real me.
Yesterday, Greg said that I sound different on the phone than in person. Part of that is that I am becoming more comfortable showing him me, and not worrying what he will think if I do this, or press that button or say what is on my mind. He thinks it is the tone of my voice and my accent. I know that it is something much different. He just is now seeing the "me" that my parents know, that my brother knows, that my very, very close friends know. She has a different voice and way of saying things. She is softer and more southern that he is used to hearing.
Today was the last session with David. Today was a re-cap and evaluation of my progress over the last two months. He thinks that I have done well. I think so too. I told him that I have no stress in my life for the first time in 16 years, and more fully so since the last 4, which have been a non-stop assault of heartache, guilt and surviving endings. Today and I am at peace. There is only one thing which causes my heart to pang a little in nervous anticipation and that is Greg.
I am here in Jackson, Tennessee with him and I have been thoroughly enjoying myself, just being normal and digging in the dirt and cooking dinners and laughing and nurturing myself by nurturing him. I don't think that he is emotionally available for me or anyone else for that matter and that makes me a little sad. I will move on one day, and know that I will always look back at this time and wonder about him and what could have been. I love him in the sweetest way. I want to tell him that often, but I don't. Not that I am not being true to myself, but I don't want him to feel bad about it, or awkward. I love him as I love my friends, and that is a great thing in life. I nurture, I love and I dream, and it is the very essence of what makes me a woman and a great partner and hopefully one day a great mother!
So today I am going to continue to smile and to enjoy my time away, the smile across my face, my love of life and the wonder I feel at God's goodness. This is truly the happiest time of my life because I realize more than anything that "Being You" is the very best way of being.
xoxo,
Bug
Yesterday, Greg said that I sound different on the phone than in person. Part of that is that I am becoming more comfortable showing him me, and not worrying what he will think if I do this, or press that button or say what is on my mind. He thinks it is the tone of my voice and my accent. I know that it is something much different. He just is now seeing the "me" that my parents know, that my brother knows, that my very, very close friends know. She has a different voice and way of saying things. She is softer and more southern that he is used to hearing.
Today was the last session with David. Today was a re-cap and evaluation of my progress over the last two months. He thinks that I have done well. I think so too. I told him that I have no stress in my life for the first time in 16 years, and more fully so since the last 4, which have been a non-stop assault of heartache, guilt and surviving endings. Today and I am at peace. There is only one thing which causes my heart to pang a little in nervous anticipation and that is Greg.
I am here in Jackson, Tennessee with him and I have been thoroughly enjoying myself, just being normal and digging in the dirt and cooking dinners and laughing and nurturing myself by nurturing him. I don't think that he is emotionally available for me or anyone else for that matter and that makes me a little sad. I will move on one day, and know that I will always look back at this time and wonder about him and what could have been. I love him in the sweetest way. I want to tell him that often, but I don't. Not that I am not being true to myself, but I don't want him to feel bad about it, or awkward. I love him as I love my friends, and that is a great thing in life. I nurture, I love and I dream, and it is the very essence of what makes me a woman and a great partner and hopefully one day a great mother!
So today I am going to continue to smile and to enjoy my time away, the smile across my face, my love of life and the wonder I feel at God's goodness. This is truly the happiest time of my life because I realize more than anything that "Being You" is the very best way of being.
xoxo,
Bug
Monday, May 07, 2007
My Morning
Sometimes a morning comes so perfectly into form.
The wind blows away the remaining mist of the night and the birds sing a chorus to welcome the rising sun. A frog keeps time; sending ripples across his tiny pond and the water fountain trickles across the courtyard. The rose ambles up the trellis towards her lover, the sun. She is collecting her first kiss of the day.
Finches sing out like a group of silly schoolgirls, telling stories in hurried chatter and bursts of laughter. The Robins walk slowly over the green, looking for their babies breakfast. A hummingbird feeder stands red and ready for the tiny squadrons who will hover and drink before visiting the basket of pansies and returning again to feed. To and fro, to and fro.
Trees sit like shade umbrellas between velvet blankets of Spring green and birdhouses are strung between them like Japanese lanterns. The swing calls out for a visitor to linger here a while and watch the morning lights turn up as the sun adjusts the dial.
Maggie and I could not imagine a better way - or place to sit in appreciation of the special blessing God gives us - and a country morning really is a special blessing.
Hope you all have a great start to the week!
xoxo,
Bug
The wind blows away the remaining mist of the night and the birds sing a chorus to welcome the rising sun. A frog keeps time; sending ripples across his tiny pond and the water fountain trickles across the courtyard. The rose ambles up the trellis towards her lover, the sun. She is collecting her first kiss of the day.
Finches sing out like a group of silly schoolgirls, telling stories in hurried chatter and bursts of laughter. The Robins walk slowly over the green, looking for their babies breakfast. A hummingbird feeder stands red and ready for the tiny squadrons who will hover and drink before visiting the basket of pansies and returning again to feed. To and fro, to and fro.
Trees sit like shade umbrellas between velvet blankets of Spring green and birdhouses are strung between them like Japanese lanterns. The swing calls out for a visitor to linger here a while and watch the morning lights turn up as the sun adjusts the dial.
Maggie and I could not imagine a better way - or place to sit in appreciation of the special blessing God gives us - and a country morning really is a special blessing.
Hope you all have a great start to the week!
xoxo,
Bug
Friday, May 04, 2007
More Therapy
I took a 2.5 hour nap and then went and got two Boston Creme donuts....that didn't help either.
1. Workout therapy - no help
2. Retail therapy - no help
3. Sleep therapy - no help
4. Donut therapy - no help.
I really wish I had a yard. I could go out there and putter for a few hours weeding and watering...but that's not an option either.
Anyone got any suggesstions?? I have 1440 minutes to fill and a man I really am trying to prentend doesn't exist.
xoxo,
Bug
1. Workout therapy - no help
2. Retail therapy - no help
3. Sleep therapy - no help
4. Donut therapy - no help.
I really wish I had a yard. I could go out there and putter for a few hours weeding and watering...but that's not an option either.
Anyone got any suggesstions?? I have 1440 minutes to fill and a man I really am trying to prentend doesn't exist.
xoxo,
Bug
Thursday, May 03, 2007
REPOST - I Wanna Know What Love Is: You Asked....
I wrote this post originally a couple of years ago when someone emailed me asking me to describe what love is to me.
I wanted to repost this today just for me. There are many, many things I could write and feelings I should write down about Greg, my ex-husband, etc., etc. but I don't want to waste anymore of my life looking back. One of my motto's in life is "If "ifs" and "buts" were sugar and nuts, it would be Christmas every day!" So no more ifs for me, no more buts, just acceptance and closure. This post is merely a reminder that love is a wonderful thing. It is "the" thing that matters in life and the source of all goodness.
I will never give up trying to find this in my life. No matter how many times I get hurt, I will get back up again and move forward.
-------------------------------
So you want to know about love? I cannot tell you all of the intricacies of it, or what love is for others, but this is what love is to me.
Love is the warmest color you can imagine, it is the emotional equivalent of the goosebumps on your arm. It is the thought that makes you smile and the depth of who you are as a person. Love is the way your cheeks flush just a little when they reach for you, or your blood pressure rises just a little when they call to check on you - and you realize your are connected in thought.
Love is the tear that you shed when the emotion builds to a crescendo, whether it be from happiness or pain or loss, the emotion builds and spills over for them...and them alone. Love is the response they illicit in you, the untapping of the wellspring in your heart.
Love is when you would put their needs before your own without realizing you have even done it, it is the unconscious care and selfless provision you give to another. For me, love is the biggest thing in life. Serving, loyalty, care, concern, kindness, thoughtfulness, knowing, compassion, steadfastness, reaching, consuming.
So in closing, you see that love in the right way can be placed into any situation.
The ability to love is our humanity - my ability to love and to believe in true goodness is the greatest gift God gave to me. I cherish this about myself the most - I guess you could say - I love that part of me ;-)
Happy Friday!!!
Ladybug
I wanted to repost this today just for me. There are many, many things I could write and feelings I should write down about Greg, my ex-husband, etc., etc. but I don't want to waste anymore of my life looking back. One of my motto's in life is "If "ifs" and "buts" were sugar and nuts, it would be Christmas every day!" So no more ifs for me, no more buts, just acceptance and closure. This post is merely a reminder that love is a wonderful thing. It is "the" thing that matters in life and the source of all goodness.
I will never give up trying to find this in my life. No matter how many times I get hurt, I will get back up again and move forward.
-------------------------------
So you want to know about love? I cannot tell you all of the intricacies of it, or what love is for others, but this is what love is to me.
Love is the warmest color you can imagine, it is the emotional equivalent of the goosebumps on your arm. It is the thought that makes you smile and the depth of who you are as a person. Love is the way your cheeks flush just a little when they reach for you, or your blood pressure rises just a little when they call to check on you - and you realize your are connected in thought.
Love is the tear that you shed when the emotion builds to a crescendo, whether it be from happiness or pain or loss, the emotion builds and spills over for them...and them alone. Love is the response they illicit in you, the untapping of the wellspring in your heart.
Love is when you would put their needs before your own without realizing you have even done it, it is the unconscious care and selfless provision you give to another. For me, love is the biggest thing in life. Serving, loyalty, care, concern, kindness, thoughtfulness, knowing, compassion, steadfastness, reaching, consuming.
So in closing, you see that love in the right way can be placed into any situation.
The ability to love is our humanity - my ability to love and to believe in true goodness is the greatest gift God gave to me. I cherish this about myself the most - I guess you could say - I love that part of me ;-)
Happy Friday!!!
Ladybug
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