Defending

One of the hardest feelings to experience is defending character. I can imagine how desperate those who were accused of a crime, or a lie or an action that they didn’t do must feel. The absolute feeling of desperation to have the truth about you be apparent, to have someone see enough in you to believe that you are what you say, you do what is right and you act with dignity and honor and truth.

One of the things I pride myself on most in this world is being honorable. To do the right thing is paramount; the way I was raised. I take this very, very seriously. It is a reflection on my parents, my relationship with God and my core value system. To be called into question over and over again on minor things irritates me. I feel that my actions show who I am. I will only defend myself with calmness for so long. Patience is not my strong suit, nor is having to fight to show someone that I can be trusted. I also remember everything. Conversations, time-lines, stories and words etch themselves into me.

Sometimes things don’t add up and I keep a mental record of the event that broke the sequence. I hold on to it and I watch. If the pattern repeats then I become wary. One broken sequence puts me on watch for others. While I do not judge people, I do expect complete honesty – because I give it. I go into relationships with people with complete trust. I never expect them to do wrong to me and I often find myself disappointed in that regard.  I don’t want to change that about myself. I don’t want to become so guarded that I look for things that are not there. If that means that I get hit from time to time with a hurtful truth, then so be it. I am determined to trust until I am given a reason not to, not the other way around. In that same regard, I expect to be trusted.

I am not someone from your past. Your old wrongs do not belong to me, nor will I carry the burden of proof over them. I am a very, very proud person. Not in a boasting way, but in a way that is a badge of accomplishment. I do not have to pretend to be something that I am not in this life. I have worked very hard to be accomplished, to be worthy, to be trusted, and to give with an open heart. I have absolute pride in my character. I do not have the desire or the inclination to defend myself in this life. Either you see me for who I am or you don’t. The burden is not mine prove.