I Did It

I am in a place where I never thought I would be. I really need to write about how I am feeling and get it out of me. I know it will rebuild inside of me again, like steam and when I fear that I will split wide open from the pressure, I will simply write again and let it out.

I have been an absolute mess for two months. Since I discovered I was pregnant, I think I have had about 10 o.k. days. The rest I am just surviving. I cry off and on through the day, in private where no one can see me. Often I freak out at Greg because he wants to take things as they come and won't do the marriage or live together thing. That has sent me so far over the edge that I wander around in a state of utter panic and despair. I know I have been impossible to deal with, but somehow I continue to fight as if I can't believe he won't let me in and protect me. I give in because I am exhausted and I keep it all to myself....for a day or so and then I can't pretend anymore and blow up again.

I worry that I might hurt myself some days (don't freak out, I don't ) I mean it is just that I don't know how to keep all this up. Pregnant, no job, very little money left to cover my bills for the next month, Lab bills and Dr. bills already in the mailbox, insurance due again - typical life stuff. No help from Greg, no offer of assistance and most days even kindness.  Each thing that comes up brings an avalanche of emotion and fear. My parents have been great. They are helping me out and giving me lots of love and support, but the only one who can provide me what I need and long for is Greg.

He believes somewhere in the back of his mind that I did this on purpose, which I can assure you I did not. I would not wish this pain and uncertainty on my worst enemy. Mind you I am not talking about the baby. That is a miracle. I mean the feeling of being scared and alone and completely vulnerable. The feeling that there is someone who could extend a lifeline to you but does not. I try so hard to wrap my mind around his point of view, but I just can't and it tears at us both; the arguments becoming more desperate on my part - and he pulls away telling me he can't handle me right now and that I am childish or selfish. I admit it I am totally out of control and a complete psycho on the edge pregnant lady. But I just don't know how to get through this.

I try my best to understand that we were dating (7 months) when this happened and that although I loved him, he wasn't there yet - maybe he never would have been, I don't know - I do understand that "just because you tell me your are pregnant don't expect me to turn around and say I love you and let you move in." I understand things don't just go "poof" like magic. What I can't understand is the lack of compassion for my situation, or what I perceive to be a lack of compassion. Even my ex-boyfriend offered me a place to stay when he read my blog - and I appreciated the gesture of kindness, although it was the last thought on my mind. It did, stand in stark contrast that Greg never spoke those words of assistance to me.

Anyway, I have put this to so many people I know - asking them if it is me who is a nut, and doesn't get it, or if there is something horribly wrong with this whole scenario. Whatever it is, I have surrendered to it. It won't change and I have finally given up the fight in utter exhaustion and frustration. I cried again this afternoon when I got home and now my head hurts. I want to call Greg and I want him to help me make it better. I am not a slacker and I am not a person who tricks anyone and I would never manipulate a man for a baby. I was happy with life as it was. 

Anyway, I am just putting all my business on the street. I guess I am just so far gone that I just surrender to it all.   I admit it freely and will tell you that I am sure Greg sees this in a whole different light and he would tell you that he is right here for me (5 hours away) and is doing the right thing. Who knows what is the right answer. I just know my heart is broken and I want it to stop so I can begin to get excited about our baby.

Whenever I think of her? my heart breaks and I cry again at the thought that I have ruined her life and she will never know the comfort of having Mom & Dad home at night to give her a bath and read to her and to show her what love looks like. I wish I had her father here with me during my pregnancy. I read about pregnancy on line and dad's who are thrilled and dote on the mom and bring her a flower and rub her belly - and I cry again. I just feel like I am so unworthy, I can't imagine what I did to be unlovable.

I feel like the biggest failure of all time. I cannot believe this is my life.