Adjusting

I many ways I am adjusting to new. I have never had a love relationship with "new" and climbing the mountain again is a difficult process.

I don't recognize myself at this time in my life. My eyes are rimmed from nearly a year of tears and coping, my skin is desensitized from lack of touch, my body is changed from becoming a mother. I long to see myself again when I look in the mirror.

In the midst of great loss, I have experienced the greatest gift of my life and I am grateful for him, the one who was chosen for me, but held in secret until the 39th year of my life. The experts said he was not possible, my age and health would make him improbable in conception and impossible in maintaining; yet he is in my arms.

I miss working and being with peers and I miss my precious companion, Maggie. I had to let her go to sleep three weeks ago, and there is a whole in my heart from the loss of my beloved one, the one who replaced so much on the last round of loss from my divorce.

I miss feeling that a man loves me. I long to be cherished and wanted, to be the one that is the light for another and that light in return illuminates my heart. I long for the Spring, but fear the newness of it all, the fresh blooms and sweet fragrance, the cool shade of green and fireworks of pink blossoms. Yet Spring will come, days will be longer and I will keep one foot in front of the other until I look in the mirror and recognize myself again.

I welcome the day that I realize I am no longer coping, but actually thriving. I will welcome the day when the turning stops at 360 instead of 180. I long for life as I know it again, for the girl who embraced the changes and forged ahead to return to life. Perhaps it will happen in the new season ahead.