You Want To Know Why...

I thought about the question you left me with. I have pondered it all afternoon. It was there behind the last of my work day and beside me on my walk tonight. In between flipping the omlette I thought on it again. I am wondering if I know how to answer it.

To me, it is sign of weakness, or of something broken. Why so suddenly do they come up and well over. They give me away don't they? I find that I don't have a really good answer for you at this time, only ponderings. Is it something that I need to release? Perhaphs. It is fear? Probably. Is it something I think is a fault in me? Yes.

I did this in front of someone a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I was confused and embarrassed, and jealous. Yes, jealous. Bingo...there they were...giving me away. There is no pretending it's all good when they show up out of nowhere and reveal me.

I think about that one day a lot. I remember the person said that it made them feel bad like they had done something wrong. I also remember thinking that it was really about me. It was about my vulnerability and my need...to be needed and not always second best.

I made a note that it was not acceptable to do that in front of them again. I guess that is where the apologies came from when they came out in front of you and the question that followed about why I think it is not o.k. to show them. They make people feel uncomfortable....and they make me have to tell the truth.

That's probably not all of it, but it's pretty close on the mark.

Just Being....With You

Let me come to you again. Cover me in your simplicty and the warmth of your embrace. Hold me against you and say nothing; just be.

Let me sit with you a while. Hold my hand, small inside your grasp and paling in your strength. Hold me next to you and say nothing; just be.

Sing to me and play. Swaddle me with the tone of your voice and the sweet chords you make. Let me listen and hum along to the sweetness. I will sit next to you and say nothing; just be.

Lie with me at night. Put your hand along the curve of my hip and connect me to you in sleep. Let me feel the safety of your nest and say nothing, just be.

Let me laugh with you again. Talk to me in Southern cadence like mothers milk so nourishing to my soul. Hold my attention with stories of the past and your dreams. Let me dream those with you....and just be....

I miss you...

C'est Moi!!

On this day the bloom came and I smiled from deep inside myself. I waited a long time to see it, I wondered what it would look like in color and shape.

It is a beautiful deep pink, the edges are soft and full and the petals will be bountiful. I realized that the stem that holds this new growth is strong and will support this flower and allow it to reach towards the sun, and to withstand the rain.

On this day the words came and I smiled from deep inside myself. I wondered if they had left to never return to me in form or imagination.

They are the same, so readily identifiable to me; my style. I realized that the expression that is the verbalization of my heart is strong and will always support me and allow me to dream, to reach towards the sun and to withstand the rain.

Such joy from this finds me today!

Tomorrow

I will sit with you again tomorrow. You will have the notepad and I will have words. I will do just fine for a while until you ask a question that hits a raw spot. I will fight back tears and try to answer you. The tears will win the fight again and I will apologize to you for no reason at the onset.

Fifty minutes at a time we excavate and I know it is helpful, but scraping away the layers is tedious and it hurts at times. I hate that you see through me. I am so used to showing one thing and not being discovered; people take face value too often. Not you.

I have been doing the homework that you assign to me and at times find myself wanting to go back to my cheat-sheet, to the easy way of answering the questions - but I don't. I simply pull out the dictionary and look up the meaning and try to understand it.

We are three layers in and a fourth layer removal is coming tomorrow. I guess it is appropriate as this is the season of renewal. Thank you for helping me tend my garden and prepare my soil, one layer at a time.

Instead Of

Sunday morning is here and the weather is wonderful. It is overcast and a bit cool and the birds are out in full serenade. Hard to believe that Easter is almost here again.

I haven't felt the need to write until last night and even then I didn't. I haven't picked up my camera or my pen in a couple of months. I guess the creativity is on hold for other things right now.

So this morning instead of typing out all my feelings, I will once again go work it out with the pavement. Instead of photographing something beautiful, I will simply fix it in my mind's eye and smile in appreciation for having seen it.

There is a 3 mile loop with geese and rolling greens and trees in bloom. There is a stream with a bridge and the sounds of little league players on the fields that holds my interest. There is a wonderful companion waiting by the door to experience all this with me, hoping to get a swim in that stream.

To that end, I am off to clear my head, and make a memory just for me.

Happy Sunday all,

Mellissa

Hello

Hello, I see that you stopped by last night, long after I was asleep. I wonder if you were looking to see if there was something new. I was touched that you still come by.

Thank you for the little message you left for me late last night. It was a wonderful greeting to wake up to this morning when I signed on the computer.

I adore you..and I miss you.

Touching Feet

Tonight I was reminded about the simple connection of feet touching together before sleep. Just lying there one half across the other with feet intertwined, talking about the day.

Arms wrapped around shoulders and small kisses exchanged between words. Head rested against chest muscles and hair tickling my face from an exhale above me; a movement of life in between words.

Life sure is wonderful when it is simple. For me, one of the simplest pleasures I can remember is touching feet…and catching up.

Ladybug - From A to Z

My Friend Green tagged me today - so here you go hon!

A- Available or Single? – Available. Officially and because my standards are too high for anyone...Sad really!!! (sorry, could not resist)
B- Best Friend? – Kerri my crazy Italian girlfriend who I either want to hug or smack depending on the day!
C- Cake or Pie? – Cherry Pie all the way man or Pecan if I have PMS.
D- Drink of Choice? – Coke Zero.
E- Essential Item? – Um, no comment.
F- Favorite Color? – I like all of them - except yellow. Yellow irritates me.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? – Neither, but I love me some Smarties!!
H- Hometown? – South Florida
I- Indulgence? – Spending time in Paris taking photographs of the city.
J- January or February? - Um, neither!! I looove April!!
K- Kids and names? – Fur kid - Margaret Ann Mitchell "Maggie"
L- Life is incomplete without? Love, family, God, Maggie.
M- Marriage Date? – September 28, 1991...
N- Number of Siblings? – One brother, three years older.
O- Oranges or Apples? Oranges and tangerines.
P- Phobias/Fears? – I have fibrocystic breast disease. Every new lump makes me fearful. I hate going to the specialist for that fearing breast cancer.
Q- Favorite Quote? - "Put your big girl panties on and DEAL with it!"
R- Reasons to smile? - Not too many lately.
S- Season? – I love the Springtime. Its All about renewal.
T- Tag 3 people? – Rebecca, Lori & Marcel
U- Unknown Fact About Me? – I have a lot of hidden anger...because people are rude and unkind and the rest of us have to deal with it and still smile.
V- Vegetable You Hate? – Beets
W- Worst Habit? – Putting everything in the trunk of my car!!!
X- X-rays You've Had? – Teeth, foot, chest, back, leg, neck, face, mammograms, ultrasounds.
Y- Your Favorite Foods? Everything!
Z- Zodiac? – Gemini all the way!

Tell A Story In The Form Of A Love Letter

June 5, 1944

Dear Grace,

Today finds me missing you more than ever. I miss the sounds of you in the kitchen and the smell of coffee brewing. I miss knowing you are only a few moments away from me....

We have been traveling for 6 days now and witnessing some of the worst of humanity out here. I try to keep my emotions inside, because this is not the place for them, but I must tell you the sights here haunt me in my sleep and beat me through my day.

I have been spending time reading the magazines you sent to me. It seems to help relax me for a minute. I find a lot of humor just writing the word "relax" because it is such a forced thing we all do...pretending to let our guard down for even a second.

There are so many things that I want to express to you today, in this letter. I want you to hear my voice in every line as if I had the intimate joy of whispering these things in your ear. You see, you are my everything Grace. You are the first thought when I wake and the last before I sleep. Your voice is the music I long to hear and the sound of your breathing is lullaby I want to enter sleep with.

I know there are many odds facing us right now and I want you to know that we will come through this time, I will do my best to come home to you if it is God's will. This situation in which we find ourselves is beyond comprehension or conclusion and there are times I feel helpless in my own destiny. Thoughts of returning home to you and holding you in my arms keep my footsteps going forward, I want you to know that.

Tomorrow we are making a push onto the beaches at Normandy. There has been a lot of activity which requires our presence alongside our allies, and is our gateway for landing. We should be well in place before you receive this letter from me. I will update you again as soon as I can on our progress. Until then, know that I carry your love as a constant embrace, and return mine to you to carry you in these dark days.

With all my heart,
Bill

Sgt. William Healey
USMC 29th Division

Food 101

A friend of mine is a health nut and likes to cook. I applaud that in him. However - last night he made an attempt to challenge me in the kitchen arena...a move that I don't think was wise...

So, in rebuttal Mr. G... here is my dinner for tonight. Linguine with creamy pesto topped with sauteed shrimp, zucchini, squash, fresh parsley and garlic. You can't imagine how good this was...how was yours honey?? LOL

Just teasing...but don't challenge me again. I have you beat hands down in two areas....and you know it - ha ha ha ha ha!!!

xoxo,
Bug

Thinking About That Bowl

Dear ERF,

Hi there, it's me. I was just thinking about you and how our life used to be when we weren't "I's", you know when we were a "we".

I took Maggie for a long walk this afternoon around the golf course and then headed to Publix to get a few things for the fridge. It is still hard to get used to shopping for one. I used to be so good at the grocery runs - I knew exactly what we needed and what was on the menu for the week. I was always in the kitchen, remember?

I was driving home thinking that a tuna sandwich would be the way to go tonight. Can you believe I haven't made one for three years!? When I was driving home I was thinking about that bowl that I always used to use to make it in. The white one with the blue trim, and then I remembered that I gave it to you to keep when we separated. Funny how things like that make me remember times gone by.

As I stood at the counter tonight, chopping up the celery and onion I was feeling really alone because of my choice of a meal. It was our Saturday afternoon staple because I made the "best tuna sandwich you ever ate." We would each grab a sandwich and sit across from each other on the couch reading or watching a movie on t.v., whiling away the afternoon with no commitments, but to each other. There were two golden retrievers curled up on the floor at either side of us; one for you, and one for me. They are gone now too, like so many things we treasured.

I know things will never be the same for us again, and I am happy that friendship has settled upon us now, some four years later. We are both living our lives and doing the best we can. But you were my best friend for 13 years, and that is something that at times like these I miss.

Well, I am off to toast some bread and then get out the couch to watch a movie. Maggie will be curled up at my feet...but somehow tonight - my choice of dinner - and thinking about the right bowl to make it in made me miss you.

I hope you are well wherever you are tonight.

Love,
Mellissa

Friday Night Tales

It is Friday night and I am sitting home in my blue polka-dot flannel pj's waiting for my Chinese-takeout dinner and picking out a movie to settle in with. I had to go to the doctor again today as I have been having a lot of problems with my lower back and now my neck. It has been out all week and today found me not being able to turn my head to the left. I hate this!! I feel like I am getting old!!

So after a three hour muscle-relaxer induced coma and a good cry, I am up and groggy and hanging out with Maggie...yeah, you just gotta love that dog - through thick and thin, she is always right there with me...on the sofa, on the bed and ruling the house! I bought a little pillow in Chicago that says "A Spoiled Rotten Dog Lives Here"..but you know what..it is she who spoils me, with lots of unconditional love and loyalty. Now there is something to be happy about.

So I think I might have just found myself a friend...who is as loyal as Maggie. I guess that counts for a lot in the grand scheme of things.

Wishing you all a wonderful Friday night...where life might find you!!

xoxo,
Ladybug

Heaping Loads of BullCRAP

You know, I have about had it tonight. Actually, I have had it and I am standing up and saying enough is enough.

Why is it that those of us who are relatively normal are held to a higher standard than those of us who have issues? Anger issues are excused as hurt. "Oh, yes, but they were "hurt" and are trying to "heal" so stand there and take the abuse they dish out because they are just so wounded they can't help it. BullCRAP.

Maybe they have social nervousness so they drink too much and act like complete idiots and act in a hateful manner to those who are supposed to be their friends. "Oh, yes, but you are balanced and socially at ease so while it would not be o.k. for you to get drunk and to that, you need to understand that is how they act, it is not personal." BullCRAP.

Perhaps they are possessive and hold you to a standard that won't allow you to have a bit of leeway or a bad day. "Well, you need to just understand them and try to make it up to them if you weren't available when they needed you." BullCRAP.

Lastly, if a man is talking to you and chatting with another woman at the same time, you aren't supposed to get mad about it because they are just bad "multitaskers" that is why there is silence in your ear and only the sound of clicking keys on the keyboard." BullCRAP.

So tonight I have had enough of all of that. There is a me here too folks and you know what?? I don't have a lot of bullCRAP that I throw on people and just expect them to take over and over. Sorry that I am a normal person without mental, social, control or inconsiderate issues - but I DON'T, and I am sick and tired of making nice and rolling over for those who do.

You all better look out. Pollyanna is pissed off and fed up. No holds barred now, you give it and you're gonna get it right back and I guarantee that you won't like the smell of your bullCRAP when it is thrown back in your face.

Sunday Afternoon Wisdom

As I was walking out of the market this afternoon, two little boys around the age of 8 were standing outside the door with their skateboards. They were having an animated discussion and ended with one boy saying "Yeah, girls are weird."

I laughed out loud, and thought to myself..."You have no idea little men.." then I remembered that a girlfriend of mine was having a similar conversation last night about men...life sure is funny that way. We start out early not getting each other, and we never do!

xoxo,
Bug

Merry-Go-Round

Photograph by Mellissa - Le Jardin Des Tulieries

A merry go round holds fascination for us all. There are brightly colored horses that seem larger than life and for the first few turns they are magic. We dream of riding away on one of them, to escape into a world of amusement and joy.

But then we realize that these horses are all paint and wood and cannot carry us to where we dream. They can only move in a circle and offer us joy until the ride stops. Sometimes we ride again and forget we are in a circle because the music plays and the lights flash and all seems well. But then the music stops and the horses slowly return downward from their imaginary gallop to rest expressionless until the next rider mounts with the same dream.

The thing is, that it is of no matter - it is good to dream. It is good to climb up again and ride with your imagination at full sail. I wish to never forget that because if wishes were horses then beggars would ride!!

LB

Back In The Day

Today I was reminded of childhood, of vacation time and being carefree. I was a young girl with a mischievous twinkle and long brown braids. I was a happy kid.

Today I am thinking of creaking screen doors at the lake house and cantaloupe sprinkled with a little salt and taking our boat out on the lake. Safety and comfort provided by my father. Sun reflecting off ripples in the water. Sandy bottom visible from the dock and small fish looking for food.

I am listing to John Mayer over the computer and just remembering the good days of Summer in the South.

Watermelon put in the stream to chill and mom making lunch was the order of the day. I explored well beyond my boundaries looking for salamanders and ladybugs. My dad gave me my nickname one summer because of that. That is how I became Ladybug.

I had long legs and a never-ending tan – arms filled with bruises from climbing whatever was around me to scale. I need to be higher and see what the view was like. I was never bored. I was still in the discovery phase and the small things brought me joy and wonder.

So now as Winter is here and I am bundled up, drinking a cup of green tea and feeling overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me, I am taking a moment to remember the simple times, the warmer weather…and the joy of times past.

I hope you all are well…and happy this day!

Xoxo,
Bug

Special

You can be in a place among many, yet only one stands out in the crowd. Greetings at the elevator are followed by eye recognition and mental assessment. I remember your name.

Endless discussion about Blogging, politics, relationships and some “why’s” about the way things are. Intellectual conversation for sure…I wish I had asked more than I answered. That is something I am working on – but does not come naturally because I am afraid I will be asking too many questions.

Red’s, Lights, Cognac & Cuba Libre consumed in proper order. Walking towards the Redhead, holding on for more reasons that to keep from slipping and warmth. Great music, good laughter, cut close and blue eyes. Allemand.

So today as I am headed home, I am writing about this, and enjoying the memories of good times with friends both old…and new.

Xoxo,
Bug

Room With A View - And Two

I arrived just fine. Received lots of SMS notes to my phone from friends and co-workers - checking to see if I arrived o.k. It makes me feel good to know that people care about me like that. It makes me feel more connected in this big ol' world.

This is the view from my room - which is really beautiful, but cracks me up!! There are TWO full bathrooms in here! What the heck is up with that? I mean I am a single here..but I guess I will just close the door on one and just use the other. These are the things in life that make me wonder. I guess if I was part of a couple this would make more sense...

Well I am off to dinner - and bundled up tight because it is a cold night here in Chicago. Oh, and the city is just beautiful.

xoxo,

Bug

ChiTown!!

O.K. I am packed and ready - just hope I will be warm enough to face the temps in Chicago!! John Mayer is blasting in the house and the dancing around phase has ended and now the typing one last post before heading off is in progress ;-) It helps calm me and remember the things I might have forgotten to pack!!

I will take photo's from the road, as usual to share with you all! I am really excited to see all my friends again from around the globe as this is one of our international conferences. My friend Steve is coming in from Paris today and we will catch up over dinner tonight, the others all join on Saturday morning and genuine mischief will begin - all good natured and filling to the spirit!

GO BEARS!!!!!

xoox,
Bug

Making Ready

The house is very quiet with the exception of the dishwasher running the last load of coffee cups and Maggie's dishes. The rain has stopped falling and I am ready to head out for some last minute errands before heading up to work in Chicago for a week.

Laundry is completed, folded and put in its proper place, the house is spotless including adjusting the artwork on the walls and putting out fresh candles in the house. Bills are paid and taxes are completed and mailed. I have made everything ready...

The funny thing is, that the process of making ready is an easy one for me. There is not a huge list of things to do or a house to really put in order when you live alone. I was thinking about that today...the simplicity of being solo.

I was also thinking and wondering about when we all became so complacent and comfortable with this...why we don't take more chances to change our lives. It is really better this way, or so perfect and fulfilling that we chose to stay in this safe place and not venture out to something bigger/different/unknown?

I believe that we have become to measured, too set in our ideals and too closed. Actually, I am saying a lot of "we" but I really don't so much mean myself. I was reading someone's blog the other day and I laughed out loud about how they always write "we" this and "we" that. When you read the writings of this person, it is only comical really because the "we" is not accurate to the subject matter at hand as it really is about them just spinning in a concentric circle. Anyway, I digress...

I guess the bottom line is this. I can play this game of being alone and functioning and doing really well - and pretending that it is cool...but you know what - it isn't. This is not me at all. I think big, I dream bigger and I am not happy with dribs and drabs in life or in relationships. I don't want hold back in a relationship or in life. I am tired of being in neutral and waiting for someone to put me in gear in their timetable.

I am putting it in drive today - and living my life according to my wishes, hopes and dreams. And those are full-throttle, windows down and with road trip music playing. Life is too short to stay in neutral.

xoxo,
Bug

Dumb

Dumb, stupid, nonsensical, oblivious, annoying, avoidance, irritation, trivial, weary, over it, ire, dander up, ass on shoulders, frustrated, confused.

Whew - I might not be over it all, but I am gonna fuss like that in my head for the next couple of hours and then move on....and I mean "On"...

So if you have something to say, better pull your head out of your butt and get to talking.

Thank you,

The Management

Meeting Him

I will celebrate with you today. I extend my hand in greeting and take my seat in row next to the others. I will be genuinely happy for you. The text message went off at 7:30 a.m. signaling that you had a newsflash. The one we joked you about during our 4 bottle of wine session Friday night.

He had waited 5 dates - and three months to kiss her. He really liked her and pursued dates with her more than just the calculated fashion of Tuesday night face-to-face and Thursday night chats on the phone. He told his family about her - and how wonderful she is. He took her to nice restaurants and cooked for her and made her slow her pace down to what dating used to be.... we all learned a lesson.

So today we get to meet Giovanni - seven girlfriends together at once. We will be wearing our Sunday best and be polite, never joking the way we do in private. We will be smiling out of genuine happiness and absolute joy for our friend. She is smiling again, she has found someone that just might be something....

Happy Sunday everyone!

Bug

Some Days...

Some days are just plain harder than others. We smile to strangers and get on with our day and keep on doing what we do best...coping with the turns in life. But even during the days when we are smiling on the outside so that no one sees the hurt and frustration..there is a little person on the inside, looking out - and wondering about it all.

I Dream

In the peaceful hour of dusk, I think about you coming home to me, wrapping me in a sweet embrace, your chest rises and falls against my neck. My hands find their place against the flat surface of your back. I exhale, and hold you.

In the quiet moment between darkness and daylight I dream that you are here with me. My hand reaches out to touch your chest, feeling the rise and fall with each breath. Skin warm against my touch. I exhale and curl my body into yours.

Kisses on foreheads and hands held tightly. Love in the moments before sleep and thoughts of you lingering long after winding into my morning.

You see I dream of you, I believe in you and I long for you to come. This house and this heart are waiting for you.

Until then, I dream..and wait.

In The Past

I think a lot about reaching out and how to bridge the gap, but I don’t really know how to do it. Twice now it rang and twice I hit the red button to stop it. Not sure what to say anyway. Better sometimes just to let sleeping dogs lie.

In a world of measuring sticks and uncertainty, it is hard to let go of what we know – or what we thought we knew. It is easier to look back sometimes to what seemed so right to us.

You seemed that way to me. You were the flip side of my coin – the same in value but different in look. Legal tender in either direction it seemed.

Fire and ice, or as someone once said gasoline or water…I am gasoline, I am fire and passion and I smolder inside just waiting to be fanned into life again.

Contentment is all around me, but with that contentment is silence, and a little too much peacefulness. It doesn’t feel normal really – the embers are still burning just under the surface….waiting for fuel.

Taking The Wheels Off

Sometimes in life it is time to grow up and ride free without the safety net. I think one of the hardest lessons in life is to trust that your own power will sustain you and the balance provided by your comfort zone items are not needed anymore.

Greg snapped this photograph at Chastain Park on Sunday while we were out walking Maggie and when I saw it for the first time, I knew exactly what this little boy felt like. There is such a joy to know that you can do it - no matter what it is that you are attempting. This is a beautiful reminder of the freedom we feel upon finally taking off the training wheels and pedalling away at a faster pace..than you ever have before.

The comfort of having those we trust and look up to for protection still close by is the icing on the cake. This is how life should be for all of us - full on, but wearing a safety hat and keeping our protectors close at hand should life make us take a spill.

xoxo,
Bug

Not Gonna Happen Like That....

At the end of 2006 I sat in a spot in Geneva with a friend of mine, talking about life, and the things I needed to do to change mine.

One of the things we discussed was to live authentically, to be true to myself first. It is o.k. to put yourself and your best interests at the top of your life list of priorities.

So today I enacted that principal and put me first. I said "this is not going to work...for me" and I felt absolutely horrible about it. I have become so used to allowing others to be a priority that my knees were weak and I had a lump in my throat..but I did it - I said it out loud and for the first time, in a long time - I made myself a priority.

It felt really good. Life is waiting - and I am learning to live each day - with doing what is best and essential for my health being at the number one spot on the list.

Work has it's place, and so does having a personal life. Today I chose the balance...and am smiling with pride that I had the guts to change it.

Thank you again P - I have not forgotten our talk.

Measuring

This morning is a quiet one here in Atlanta, Maggie has decided to become a traitor and cling to Greg, curled up beside his feet. I am having coffee and listening to the sounds of my neighbor waking next door, the water from her shower running down the pipes behind my head.

This morning I woke up thinking about the way we measure things, or weigh things. Each person has a different system, different tools, and different aptitudes for sizing things up properly. I don't seem to be as adept in math, so my measuring skills are a bit rudimentary in the grand and simple things in life.

I guess I like to measure in the units of "dash", "smidge", "bit", "pinch" instead of "degree", "sign", "sixteenth", etc. I am much less exact in how do describe a measurement, but I know exactly how much I mean.

Relationships are like this as well. Two people are measuring each other, calibrating possibility. The bad thing about that is that it requires the participation of the two people. One can only stand from afar and size the other up for so long before closer inspection is warranted and proper. I mean you don't want to fall in love with a sofa, for example that will never fit in your living room. So you look at it from a far, you like what you see, you read up to make sure the quality is there in the making, and then there is the final - measuring of the piece...and sometimes no matter how much you love something or just think it is what you were looking for, you are afraid that that measurement stick will tell you a completely different story.

My way of completing that would be, "I just loved that, but it was a smidge to long for the room." and then I would move along to what was right for me, but wouldn't soon forget that one I thought was right. I am pulling out my tape measure....and hoping.

xoxo,

Bug

SO Excited!!

It is Thursday night and I am at home enjoying a glass of wine making plans for the weekend. Greg is coming in to see me tomorrow night and I am absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to spend more time getting to know each other.

I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have someone that does not play a game. He is just earnest and sincere and very down to earth. Not at all the type that needs to look around the corner for "next" and that is exactly what I need right now.

It is funny, how twisted dating has become in this day and age. I had had my fill of men coming and going from my life - mostly at my insistence that they move along as they were not healthy for me, nor aligned with my goals. I guess it just took taking time to say that I am o.k. alone and I really am now. Fully o.k. with my own life - and now a little blessing has come along to make me smile.

I hope you all are doing well and looking forward to your weekend plans. As for me - I will be cuddled up in the big arms of someone I like a lot - and smiling.

xoxo,
Bug

POST SCRIPT - WOW - was I ever a moron on this one.

Letters From Home

Today when I came home there was something very special in my mailbox. A letter from home. It is from my mother. She is the very heart and soul of our family and goodness flows from her like no other I know. To be praised from her is the highest compliment I could ever get in my life. You see, she is my teacher and my example and my greatest inspiration when I think of the way I conduct myself and lead my life.

January 7, 2007

Dear Mellissa

I don't tell you often enough how proud I am of you; how good you are in your heart, and in your spirit toward others.

I love you and I know that this year, 2007, will be the year that all your dreams are realized.

With all my love,
Mom


There is no better way to have ended my day. I love you mother.

xoxo,
Bug

Letting You Go

In bits and pieces I have let you go. People ask me questions and I realize that I did not investigate that angle - instead choosing to take the bits you told me and move on. I think when I saw you the last time, with your papers in hand, it was the last act of sacrifice I will ever make for you. I completed, stamped and dropped the parcel in the mailbox and then I prayed - that the Lord would release me fully from the covenant we entered into so many years before. In his amazing mercy and benevolence, he removed you from me and left only peace in the spot where you had been all those years.

Recently, someone asked me "why?" and I told the truth, wondering if they believed me. I know people think there are two sides to every story, each containing only perhaps 75% of the truth, but what I said was accurate and truthful and just so matter of fact. "I was useful and faithful, a good wife. When I demanded to be a priority, he left." It was the truth, not in a twisted way, but just in fact and with no bitterness.

So this is the last of it. I hope to see no more emails from you with subject lines of pain. It is not my job to ease you through loss or talk to you about your dreams. You gave up the right of that when you left me four years ago. I am sorry that you lost your best friend to a tragic death recently. I will pray for you, and for his family...but I wont ask questions, or reach out to you. I have let you go...and I wish you well.

Perfect Morning

I am already missing my vacation time. This is what a morning is supposed to look like. Time to just look out the window, holding your coffee and dreaming about what the day will hold.

Well, I started a new position here in Atlanta - so this is so not my morning now. I just finished gulping my coffee and now have to run to be at the office by 8 a.m.

xoxo,
Bug

Keep It Simple

This is a photograph I took last week while I was out with Greg having a "Photo Challenge" afternoon.

As I was sitting here this morning looking through some pictures to create a calendar, I thought about this one again. It is funny, but it reminded me of something.

I recently saw an Industrial Psychologist for some career testing. We went a little deeper into our discussion and one thing he said really struck me...and has bothered me since because I don't know how to change it. He told me that I have deep trust issues with people. That I tend to do everything myself and keep myself slightly separate because I don't trust my wellbeing to another person. It makes sense that I do this, as other than my family, there has not been one person who has followed through on actions or promises they made to me to be there for me. I do not know what a safety net feels like.

You see, in my personal life this picture has become a reflection of me. I am standing off in the distance thinking that I am protected by a little sign I show people that says Posted - No Trespassing. I am having awkward moments getting to know the new man in my life. I tend to ask him open ended questions or just lay a line out there to see how he will react. Is he trying to trespass on my heart - or is he coming to tend a long overdue garden? I need to just remind myself that it is simple right now. I am not sure, but I do know that I need to remain relaxed and calm...observing from that barn in the distance, watching the gate....with a shotgun tucked safely under my arm just in case he is only coming to poach.... (o.k. ha ha I just had to add that in there because I am a big smarty pants).

Wishing you all a wonderful morning!

xoxo - Bug

For You

Saturday morning and music plays in the background. It is pure you. Your fingers move along making strings of song in the air and I adore you more with each expressive strain you play for me.

I don’t want to leave this house – and the wonderful company that I have found inside these walls. Walls filled with the sounds of the guitar and piano, and smiles and touch and goodness. It overwhelms my spirit to know that there is such a thing….as I had forgotten it – or rather put it away to try to forget.

Today is a simple morning, following a simple afternoon of hand holding and barn scouting and dog barking and a sunset on a small lake – you rushed to capture the light – I lingered to capture the moment – knowing it would not come again this way in the days ahead.

You are Sunsets and Tennessee and simple times and potential. You are the “old days” and the memory keeper and sweetness….you have reminded me of me…..of the importance of being earnest and simple. I have been missing that in my life. Thank you for holding up the mirror…

Tucked Safely In Jackson

Thank you for the smile on my face and the kindness in you. Thank you for the absolutely genuine sweet man that you are. I am impressed with you and the quiet strength you have.

It is rare that I am at a loss for words, but when it comes to writing about you, or telling people about you - I hesitate...wanting the smile I have and feelings inside to be mine alone.....

So, for all of you who log on to see where in the world I am this week....I am tucked safely in Jackson....Tennessee - with a man who makes me smile....and believe again.

xoxo,

Bug

Merry Christmas From Our House to Yours

At Home With My Family

Hi All - I am at home with my family and it feels good. We are out to run an errand while my daddy is at church. He is getting a new flat screen t.v. - hope he will like it.

xoox,

Bug

P.S. If you are reading this from Savannah - then I am thinking of you especially....right now.

Vignettes

This post is for me. It is just to remind me of the softness of love. It is to remind me to believe and to trust. These are photographs from the last time love and happiness were in my life.

Next week I have to take a few bricks away from the wall I have around me. I have to take a chance and step forward and it scares me. I pretend to be witty and bold, but it is just a front...like the way a bird puffs itself up to appear larger and more colorful.

You see, I am afraid of the unknown, I fear rejection a great deal. Meeting someone new is as intimidating to me right now as the thought of standing naked on Peachtree Street. I feel like I am exposing myself before I am ready to. I like hiding here and being safe. No one to hurt me or cause my heart to hope. I like the safety of one, I trust only myself.

But then there is this girl in me who wants to peek around the corner and see what might be waiting for me....so I will take these few steps forward and try to trust in what might be ahead...

xoxo,

Bug

Photo's Are Up

Before I head out to do errands and finalize details to clear my way for 2007, I wanted to let you know that I have posted my photographs from my trip on my photo site. Hope you enjoy!

http://www.ladybugpics.shutterfly.com

xoxo,
Bug

Tired...

I had a pretty busy day yesterday..and a rainy one at that...we were not returning home until 2:30 a.m. as one of Steve's godchildren, Laurent was playing at a local club here in Paris just off the Champs Elysees.

Since the drinking age here is 18, but no one checks anyway all the kids inside seemed to me to look about 12...and I felt like an old lady (well, an old lady with a much sexier body and better dance moves ;-) than the quasi-anorexic trend here in Paris...there were too many girls with protruding shoulder blades for my tastes...made me want to wrap them up and bring them home for some soup and to tell them that they need to just calm down...(mothering instinct)..Steve and I laughed about this on the way home in between singing "How Bizarre" from OMC and head banging to some old AC/DC "Highway to Hell"...yeah - those were the days!!! ha ha.

Before heading over to the club, we had a late dinner at this great little restaurant - family owned..everything was soooo good and it was really warm and cozy there and the drive over was amazing....I still never tire or get used to the absolute splendor of this city. It is truly as Hemingway put it "A movable feast" both for the tummy and the eyes. Everything lit at night - such pride in the buildings that are here - so much history that you feel the presence of those who lived here in the 17th and 18th centuries still. I can't describe what that feels like....I wish I could.

Anyway - I am hanging out in my fuzzy pink pj's right now and Steve is baking a cake - That Dutch boy can eat more than anyone I know!! I am not too motivated to get out and do anything today...except that I really want to go to the Monoprix - the grocery store. I get a kick out of looking at all the products they have and trying to figure out what some are...it is a fun game for me...which also means I have been here too often if I have seen everything there is to see in Paris and now just hang at the market - LOL.

I wish you all the best of days today.

xoxo,

Mel

Lazy Paris Afternoon

J’Arrrive

It is late afternoon in Paris & the sun will soon set. I am sitting in a café enjoying a glass of Bordeaux and an omelette's du jambon et fromage while waiting for Steve to finish up a meeting with Galeries Lafayette.

The area I am in is called “Opera” & the street is Boulevard Haussmann – it is the main boulevard of Le Grand Magasans (department stores) such as Galeries Lafayette and Printemps.

As I sit here alone in a prime spot for observing the people here, I feel completely at home – which is something I don’t feel when dining alone in the States. When I am there, eating alone has a conspicuous feeling. Here, it is my time to write on the paper covering the table …a spot of vinaigrette on one corner and a red circle from my wine glass on the other. Breadcrumbs from my baguette are my confetti sprinkles. You see, this is a party of one…a very contented and happy one.

It is funny that although I am so far away, in many ways I am home again.....but just to make sure you all know my roots - here I am tonight listening to Kenny Chesney on my iPod...you can take the girl out of the South, but you can't take the South out of the girl!!!

Bonne Nuit Paris – J’adore!!

Bonne Nuit Genève

Tonight is my last night in Geneva. I depart for Paris in the morning to spend a week before heading back to the States for Christmas with my family.

I have enjoyed my stay here although work kept me from doing many of the things I wanted - but this is as usual so I take it in stride, knowing I will be back in Switzerland again in the coming year.

I had the opportunity of spending time with an old friend, as well as adding to my circle of new friends around the world. Bastian from Berlin and Su from Dublin. What wonderful people they are...I will miss talking to them and watching Bastain struggling to bridge the communication gap by speaking some in German, some French and mostly English so I would get the majority of what he was trying to tell me - GENOW Bastian!!

More from the road...

xoxo - Bug

Thank You

There are times in our lives when we need to talk to someone. We need to tell the truth to someone who knows us, someone who will look us in the eyes without judgment and absorb what we are saying and understand what is needed in return.

This is my person. One of the people who knows the real me, one of the few I place my trust in to expose the depths of things that I feel in my life right now.

Yesterday afternoon, after the lunch and the shopping and the catching up, I was able to sit and open up to her to say everything plainly and know that she would not flinch at my truths.

Having someone like this is one of the treasures in my life. I hate it that I live in the States and she in Switzerland, but somehow when we come to spend time together it is as if no time has passed since we saw each other last. We fall back into such an easy place with each other. I love that...and her.

Thank you Pascale - for everything. I miss you already.

Love,
Mel

2006

I was looking through some old writings tonight as I had dinner in the hotel. I came across a post that you will see below that outlines my year last year. I decided it was time to make a time capsule for myself for 2006 to look back on when I am older and remember that I had a wonderful, adventurous life.

I will write and post 2006 tomorrow...stay tuned and see if there is a happy ending for Mellissa....

2005

Sunday morning is here and slipping quietly by as I sit at my desk and watch the last of the leaves roll by with each gust of wind. Maggie is curled up on my desktop sleeping soundly on her quilt and Dave Koz is playing on the stereo, ushering in the holiday season in a way that is peaceful and reflective.

I have been thinking of this past year, thinking about my life and my blessings - and there are so many. It is funny when I take time to reflect on the past eleven months, I am humbled by my blessings and my life.

While my existence is ordinary, just like everyone else's, the reflections of today make them seem extraordinary. I wanted to share a little with you in reflection.

January - a new job full of promise, a new relationship filled with laughter and adventure friendships that were secure.

February - Valentine's Day flowers, a wonderful trip to Charleston for the weekend, great wine, bundled up in a coat walking the banks of the river, dreaming again. A trip to Jamaica to warm in the sun, to spend the days on the beach and continue dreaming and laughing. A Jamaican man who called my "Beautiful Lady" each time I saw him. Pink champagne, cute sandals and ace card games at night.

March - Germany, France, Africa. Strolling the streets of Paris in the wee hours of the morning. Listening to music at Hotel Costes, dancing at Barrio Latino, shopping for antiques. Africa for the weekend, Marrakesh and Casablanca - mint tea, ancient walls, orange blossom and cinnamon, Fatima with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Wooden doors carved with care by ancient craftsmen - desert sun and lunches served al fresco.

April - A new relationship, a kindred spirit, Easter flowers and brunches with friends, a sweet puppy growing bigger by the day.

May - Warm days in town, laying in the park on a blanket listing to prose and watching the tops of skyscrapers as clouds passed by on their journey to the unknown. A trip to Hilton Head for more beach time with friends.

June - a difficult month for friendships and relationships, letting go of some things, holding on to others. Growing another year older. A trip to San Antonio and meeting great people. Falling in love again, adoring a special child. Eating great bar-b-q, Texas style. Beautiful Spanish Missions and more warm weather and smiles.

July - family time. A trip to my parents and hiking in the Pisgah forest. Waterfalls and banana peels out of the sunroof, sliding down a rock into freezing cold water and lots of laughter. A baseball game with fireworks and jet planes and paratroopers falling from the sky.

August - A new job, returning to those who know me, finding home at work again, renewing old friendships and preparing for a new home.

September - Labor Day in Canada, hot tubs and cold nights with fires lit, a christening, walking under the great night skies and feeling so happy.

October - Dancing again, feeling my feet move and my hips sway and laughter erupting from deep inside me again. Working on making my new home all my own - lots of paint and fabrics and time with my mom doing what we do best - making home!

November - Small group gatherings, new found friendships and comfort in where I am now. Family visits to Atlanta and Thanksgiving in Florida feeling the sun on my face and sand in my toes - while holding my daddy's hand and watching my brother do the same with his daughters. Magic, plain and simple.

December - stay tuned :-)
edit: A break up, a painful month of realizing what does not work, hauling the Christmas tree out to the curb, spending time with my parents and regrouping...this was the end of 2005...but I was still dreaming....

You see, I don't remember the trials right now, or the sad times. I look back on this year and remember the blessings, the love, the travel, the experiences, the smells and mental images from far away places. I remember all the things that I am blessed with - 2005 has been a great year. What a wonderful life I have.

What a joy it is, and how lucky am I to have had all of this in such short order. I realized today, that I am living my dream. I am happy.

Hopeful Heart

Often times in my mind I am free of this time in my life. It has all come full-circle and I am complete again. There is a family for me and I am preparing dinner and listening to the sounds of children – whether mine or not - does not matter.

Often times in my mind I am free of the burden of being alone. I have become a part of someone else and am loved and love in return. We two become one and life progresses forward towards seasons and years in the company of a trusted soul.

Often times in my heart I forgive you for what you took from me. I open up my hands and drop them to the sides of me in complete surrender and release. You did the best you could. The fact that you married me for the wrong reason is not my problem to solve. It is merely my scar to bear.

Years have progressed since that time, but it seems like I have been in purgatory much longer. I reach out and ask others, “Do you feel this too?” “Is it just me, or is it all of us together?” and I wonder to myself…what if this is all that remains.

I pull Maggie closer to me, grateful for the touch of life in my home and close my eyes and pray that soon God will make my dreams come true.

All's Well That Ends Well

I have finally gotten my second wind today - I think it was taking a walk around Lake Geneva and stopping into a cafe for an omlette and salad. I needed food and fresh air and now I think I can make it through the rest of the day and into the evening cocktail reception I am putting on for 160 people....there are sure to be some problems which I am not looking forward to.

The good news is that my bags were located and the concierge at the hotel managed to get Air France to deliver my bags to him...his French is obviously much better than mine ;-)

I did not get much sleep last night. I fell asleep on the bed at the hotel at 6 p.m. and slept till 10:30 p.m. local time when they called to let me know the good news that I would have clean clothes for today!! After that I was wide awake and headed down to the lobby to sit in front of the fireplace to have a nightcap...and to chat on the phone with a friend of mine back in the states. I ended up being awake until 4:45 a.m. knowing the alarm was set for 6:00 a.m. today. It was not so pretty when my alarm rang and I started groaning about the day not wanting to get up - even though my bed is like a rock and I woke up surrounded by my MAUVE room which reminds me of day old Pepto Bismol. Will be changing hotels tomorrow to be closer to the train station so Pascale and I can head out for an adventure.

Well all - I have to head back downstairs to look into my booth set up.....the man has been working on setting it up since 8:00 a.m. and he is still not finished....Swiss precision...takes a lot of time ;-)

Sleepy in Geneva

This was my view at Sunrise on my way to have breakfast with Steve this morning.

It is now 11:56 EST 5:56 p.m. where I am...and I am very tired. I made it on from Paris to Geneva, but sadly my bag did not follow along with me so I have no clean clothes...UGH...

I have been awake for almost 29 hours now and I am really worn out. I wish I was one of those lucky folks that can sleep on the plane....

I also wish I had warm pj's to put on..oh well, at this point I am just happy to have a bed.

Bonne Nuit!

Lights Out

Lights out everyone, time to sleep…or sit in the darkness with only the comfort of the illuminated screen…four hours to landing; Paris welcomes me again. She is my greatest love.

There is a man next to me tonight. It has been a long time…he is Marcello from Milan. He is a doctor, a specialist in the liver, who is returning home from a summit at Emory University in Atlanta. I like him. He has an English Bulldog and I wife who must sleep in another room….sad. He is my father’s age and I feel safer having him on the flight with me. His clothes are very expensive, three-ply cashmere, Prada briefcase, a warm smile. All this wrapped in the unaffected manner of a European. I liked him instantly. I wish I could wrap up all the people I meet and talk with on my travels. They are like the supporting characters to my Alice – here in Wonderland, trying to make a go of it.

James Blunt is playing on the iPod and I am thinking of the last time I listened to this song…before the soldier made his way to the ocean. I can never listen to “High” again the same way.

I had an interview today, something new – out of the blue has come and as much as I love what I am doing, it is time for a new home for me. I love a new challenge and when they come I follow them along. This will be my last trip abroad for work. From now on it will be to experience life as I love it…without my computer ;-)

I am listening now to a wonderful song by Katie Melua, called “Shy Boy”…I wonder if anyone reading this will understand that inference. I have decided that maybe the strong silent type might be the way to go. Time and Nashville answer that question for me in 2007. For those of you who know me well, you know I lost my smile last summer…I found it again – and can’t stop using it…..thank you N_G…..

Bonne Nuit mes amis until tomorrow.

Travel Journal - Dec. 9