When Is There Room?

When is there room for me just to be myself? When does the need to be perfect and meet all expectations become a burden too heavy to carry? When can I be the weak one, the the flawed one; human!

Why are some expected to maintain perfection in all areas, perfect friend, perfect partner, perfect employee. Just smile and take it in the chin Mellissa - it is you fault after all. You are expected to be...... you are supposed to just........you need to act......you are required to do it all right, say it all right, think it all right. Call when you are supposed to by my expectations, feel the way I do by my expectations.

I am sorry to all of you who are let down by me. I am no different from you. I hurt sometimes, I cry sometimes, I fall sometimes. But, I am trying to be all the things you expect me to be. Sometimes I just fall a little short of the mark. Don't you?

Today

It is getting late in the evening. There is something very comforting about this time of night. Only the sound of crickets and the occasional car passing below on the street. Tonight in Atlanta the air is heavy and humid - now there is a siren going off in the distance and the sound of a car door shutting. Someone is leaving home.

I took a moment to pull my hair back into a ponytail again. It feels soft against my fingers and a small strand is tickling the back of my neck. Maggie has just found a resting place beneath the outdoor table and is listening to the night sounds with me.

As usual, my work day was a long one and I came home to dinner alone - Cheerios's again and a movie to keep me company for the first part of the evening. Lance will be flying again tomorrow. I am not sure where this leg of trips will take him but imagine it somewhere in the isocoles triangle that I am becoming familiar with.

Alyse returned home again safely and I am missing her - more than she can imagine. I am still turning over thoughts of Ted and what I bore witness to yesterday. I wish I were more disconnected in my feelings, in my need to reach out and fix everything. It is so in my nature to rush in to correct, to bail out. I cannot imagine how I can stand by and imagine what is happening to him - but that is what I must do. I wish I could stop thinking about it. It is a nagging, sinking feeling that makes me feel a little sick. It is like reading the last chapter of a book and knowing the ending. None of these stories end differently.

My wonderful friend and co-worker received some bad news today and as it was being revealed to me and an understanding ear was needed, my boss called with his demands and controlling nature. It is funny to watch someone so powerful obsess over minutia. I felt a loss in the defense ridden telephone call. On the witness stand again. Defending what I know, how I work - it is 60 days away - we don't need to panic over it right now. Yes, I understood what needs to be done - No, you don't need to explain it again. I am too busy right now working on getting your wife's Nanny and the dog on a flight. Funny that this is my priority in life. So can it.

Maggie just hopped up to investigate some noise and feeling satisfied that she did not need to put on her rotweiller suit has come over for a snuggle. She is so awesome. Dogs are way better than most people. I just wish they could talk!

Well, that is my story for tonight.

Mellissa

A Man I Did Not Know

Today I met a man.
My first glance of him
came from a distance.
He was tall, dark, handsome.

Just as I remembered.
As I walked closer to deliver
a precious gift to him, he
turned away from me.

He was hiding from me
Hiding his eyes, pretending
to pay attention only to the gift.

Today I met a man
It was the man I shared 13 years
Of my life with.

Darting eyes, exaggerated expression.
Avoidance of eye contact. How sad.

Today I met a man.
A man I did not know.

Late Night

Small sentences of my day

Pretending nothing happened.
Calling to check on me. Thanks D.
Buying yachts, booking facials.
Brian turned 15.
Alyse is coming to visit.
Lance is sleeping in Oklahoma City.
Salad bar lunch.
Tuesday Morning browsing.
Maggie is sleeping on the floor.
The Realtor loved my furniture.
It rained....again.
Still in my work clothes.
Ate Cheerios's for dinner.
Really sleepy.
Completed 46 tasks.
Forgot to take my meds.

Yep, that was the day!

Turning out the lights - come on Mag's were hitting the sheets.

5:40 p.m.

It is 5:40 p.m. and I am so ready to head out of my office and into my life. A rainy night in Georgia - perfect night for some some potato leek soup and French bread.......Man, I wish these last 20 minutes would hurry.

On second thought, I worked through lunch - the company owes me 40 minutes!!! I am going home!

Mellissa

Open Letter to My Past

Hello,

It was nice of you to write, call, chat on line. I am glad you are doing well. I don't need to re-engage in a relationship with you albeit as a friend you would be a lot of fun. Thank you for the kind words and inquiry after my special someone.

It is funny how things go in life, I have found that, since my divorce there have been several short-term relationships that have come along. Spanish, French, Jewish, Protestant, young, mature, immature. It is like the saying "Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief, Dr. Lawyer, Indian Chief. There were those who were ready for more, those who were just sport dating and those whom I could not wait for the check to come after dinner.

It sure has been a merry-go-round and a great learning experience. So, thank you gentlemen, and my hat is off to you for trying - but my mind is occupied elsewhere and hindsight is always 20/20.

Me

Do You Know?

My sweetest one,

Do you know how very special you are to me? Do you know how much having you in my life means to me?

I remember the day you were born, the joy you brought to us all, and the sweet memories I hold of your baby days, toddler days, and teenage years.

Beautiful writer, pianist, ballet dancer - witty creative one, you are a star and I love you so very much.

I am proud of you, don't ever forget that! I have read your words and know you better now. I am sorry for what you went through - things I did not know. I hold you close in prayer each and every day, and in my thoughts always.

You are the continuation of our family, you are truly loved and lucky and growing beautifully into yourself.

As you travel out to the other side of the country to give of yourself to those less fortunate, use your talents, your experiences and testimony to help those who are in need. God is working through you and within you.

I love you AJM - with all my heart!

XOXOXO,
AM

Arthur

Arthur stopped by the neighbor's house today. I knew it must be he. His leg was in a cast, he had been hurt and I could tell the appearance at the door was one of need. To me he is a stranger, only his name was familiar to me.

In speaking hello to him and offering him an explanation of my neighbors absence, I could see his face fall farther, his crutch moved back from the doorbell and into it's rightful place at his side. "Do you know when...." he asked, "I think later tonight", I replied. "Oh", was his only answer.

Today is a hot, humid and sunny day in our city. There is a hurricane a few hundred miles south of us and it is churning up the weather. Arthur is walking, leg braced, dripping sweat and wiping it away with a ragged green hand towel. I offered what I could, a tall glass of ice water and a small sum of money so he could fill a prescription catch the bus on the corner and get himself home. He had used the last of his to ride the bus here. He needed home and rest and dignity.

Asking for help is hard - he did not have to get the words past himself. I inquired, smiled and shook his hand with a "nice to meet you sir, I have heard of you before and now we meet". Needs met for the moment, Arthur thanked me and made his way toward downtown and the rest he so desperately needed.

It was nice to meet you Arthur. God bless.

M

Country Music and Front Porches

I am sitting on the front porch listening to some country music - the good ol' fashioned kind where the artist is not synthesized to sound great. The music resonates from talent and feelings deep inside. Tonight it is Patty for me.

This music makes me long for a life lived in a house in the countryside or an area with endless sky visible. Weekends are spent with friends who like you just the way you are, warts and all. Dance halls and bar-b-q, comfy jeans and sleeveless cotton shirts and lots of love and welcomes from ones who value the same things you do.

I guess I am tired of city life. I want to see families, to hear children playing out in the yard. I want to have a Wal-Mart around the corner and a grocery store where the cashier knows your name and you know the bank teller just got engaged to your cousins best friend.

That sure isn't in downtown Atlanta.

Sing it Patty - you are on to something.....

This Is My Square

This is my square. No apologies. I was given a bunch of dirt and a very tiny rake. Years later, this small square is all mine. It is filled with beautiful flowers and lots of love. You can see it if you care to look deeper. I will open the high wall I have built around it and show you inside, but don't ask me to say I am sorry for being proud of what I have made. I will not. The square I stand firmly inside of is my badge of courage, my stripes. It is not arrogance that makes me proud to own this, to say it is well tended and of good quality. My heart lies in the middle of the space I occupy. I was left alone for many years, sentenced to hard labor here. I made something out of nothing. Don't you see it? Can I be proud of what I made? There were years of long days spent toiling here. Digging rocks away and preparing the ground. This square is valuable now and I have the knowledge of each and every seed I planted. Things bloom in seasons, wait for them and they will appear before your eyes. I watered this ground with sweat and tears and time. This is my square. No apologies.

Final Chapter on Sand For Sale

I know I have been harping on the sand thing from Pottery Barn (see posts below.) The funny thing is that when I went to check on it today, to show a co-worker of mine, Pottery Barn had updated it's site next to the item with the words "No longer available." Who knows, maybe the executives at the corporate office read my Blog and it all made sense to them........at least that is how I would like to think of it (((((((smiles)))))).......

Mellissa

When?

When do we let go?
When is holding on too much?
When do you say I am sorry?
When do you say I am not?
When do you let it fly?
When do you reach out?
When do you pull back?
When do you know that you are safe?
When do you know you are in danger?
When is well enough - enough?
When do you call that spade a spade?
When do you lay it down?
When do you pick it up?
When do you look at it full-on?
When do you look away?
When do stop turning the other cheek?
When do you sit still?
When do you run?
When is it the right time?
When do you say more?

When do you say when?

We Meet at 5300 Feet Above Sea Level

My nickname is Ladybug and they are my favorite thing in the world.

My tag line on the blog reads an old saying in French, which in translation is "I am the insect loved by poets and the gods."

This little girl was hanging out atop of Mt. Pisgah in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I had been praying about something, asking God for a sign of renewal and affirmation that I was going to be o.k. When I looked down at the place I was sitting, there she was - and I knew He put her there just for me. Isn't God just awesome that way.

I think my smile says it all.

Home Again

It feels so good to be home again in the Blue Ridge Mountains - my town, Saluda, North Carolina (Mayberry USA). Coon Dog Day tee shirts have been purchased, hugs were collected from Mom & Dad and, of course, Charlie Ward. Lance and I have been out hiking at Pearsons Falls and are having just the nicest day together running along paths and sitting on rocks, feet dipped in cool water.

We are now sitting in the Saluda Library, which is better known to me at Kathy's store. She was a lovely woman who had this store in the early 1980's and filled it with crafts and things she loved. Her mother was always here as well, quilting in the very room I am now typing from. Our town lost Kathy to breast cancer in 1986.

I have so many beautiful memories of Saluda, of my family heritage here, high school years, Green River BBQ, square dancing on Friday nights, locals who always are glad you are back and knew your Grandma and Grandpa and can say "I remember you when you were just a wee thing."

Now, here I am again. It has been six months since I have returned home. That is way too long. I sure have missed it. I am glad Lance is getting to experience this with me. Texas last weekend, North Carolina this weekend.