Would You Reach for Me?

I really am at the end of my tether. I am at my breaking point and I don't know what to do. I am so tired.

I am so lonely right now you have no idea. Unfortunately it is not something that can be helped or avoided or sugar coated. I am hurting. I am tearful, I feel very foolish and stupid in general. I am embarrassed at tying to be somewhere where I was not wanted. The weight of this is larger than I though and the pain is much wider - I keep trying to get my arms around it but I cant.

So no rah-rah- post from me today. I just don't have any goodness inside of me. Being violently ill and alone with no one to help you took the last of it. I wondered to myself. Would you reach for me. And in the back of my head I knew the answer. No, because I just don't matter - and I never did.

Would You Reach for Me

I really am at the end of my tether. I am at my breaking point and I don't know what to do. I am so tired.

I am so lonely right now you have no idea. Unfortunately it is not something that can be helped or avoided or sugar coated. I am hurting. I am tearful, I feel very foolish and stupid in general. I am embarrassed at tying to be somewhere where I was not wanted. The weight of this is larger than I though and the pain is much wider - I keep trying to get my arms around it but I cant.

So no rah-rah- post from me today. I just don't have any goodness inside of me. Being violently ill and alone with no one to help you took the last of it. I wondered to myself. Would you reach for me. And in the back of my head I knew the answer. No, because I just don't matter - and I never did.

Lights

I was sitting on my back deck tonight, talking with a friend of mine, when the timer of my motion light expired.  Just as I was thinking about how I was now sitting in complete darkness, my eyes adjusted to the flicker of a hundred fireflies.

Isn't that just like life sometimes? Too much bright light or white noise covers or drowns out something special we were meant to hear or see.

I'm so glad the light went out.

Lights

I was sitting on my back deck tonight, talking with a friend of mine when the timer of my motion light expired. Just as I was thinking about how I was now sitting in complete darkness, my eyes adjusted to the flicker of a hundred fireflies.

Isn't that just like life sometimes. Too much bright light or white noise covers or drowns out something special we were meant to hear or see.

I'm so glad the light went out.

Soundly Sleeping

As you can see, there is a small "dog love" pattern in my blogging right now. I guess it is because I am a bit lonely these days and Maggie is such a cute, loving little companion.

But here is another picture of her - snuggled up on my new "wubbie" from Barefoot Dreams that I got for Christmas from my mother.  It was intended for my spare room, as guests should be the most comfortable when staying at my home...however, I think this is ALL mine as it is the softest thing I have ever felt in my life....Maggie thinks so to.  I see a "wubbie" power struggle ensuing soon.  Last night I slept on top of my quilt with just this covering me and it was the best sleep I have had in days.

We Are Home

Well, Mags and I have arrived back to Atlanta safe and sound. The dryer is humming along and the skies are so amazingly blue!!!

I thought I would post a couple of pictures from our trip home for you (and for me).....

First order of business is Maggie - we were heading up the mountain drive to my parents cottage, Maggie likes to hang her head out of the window as far as possible....to take in all the smells and fresh mountain air! Notice her head is resting on the side-view mirror!!

The picture on the left means a lot to me personally. It is a constant reminder of how far in life we come. When my mother was a little girl, her mother used to pick beans in this field. My MawMaw was such a hard worker who did the very best she could in life. She would bring my mother and her two youger siblings along (there were 7 children in all ) while she picked beans all day. My mother would watch her sister Diane and her brother James on a blanket at the end of the bean row while her mother worked to provide for them all. Each time I pass by here, I remember that and feel so blessed for the beautiful life she has now. We went shopping together yesterday and I asked her to tell me the story again as we passed by those never ending fields, now fallow.

And here is Winston, the sweetest dog in the whole world, enjoying a little time on the rug as he welcomed Maggie home again. Notice all of the beautiful packages under the tree. Mom sure knows how to indulge those she cares for :-) Lucky me!!

As you all know, or might not, Ladybug is my nickname - and my collection of "namesake" cuties keeps growing. This is a little handmade glass "bug" from my mom and dad.

Maggie got a special gift as well - I guess my mom and dad think their "Granddog" is a Princess.....as does everyone who meets her!!

My gift to my mom was some art for her dining room that reminded me so much of her beautiful flowers that when seen in the spring time bring lots of ooooh's and aaaah's! She is a master gardener for sure!

And last but not least - one night when everyone had gone to sleep, I was in my room looking through photo albums of times past - and I cam across a very special picture. It is me in my younger days with my two neices - at Christmas. They were so little then. It is hard to believe they are teenagers now. If you read a few posts down, you will see them now - all grown up!!

So even though I am home now, my heart is still in North Carolina where there is so much love and so many great memories. To Mom and Dad. THANK YOU for everything you did to make this Christmas one of the lovliest I can ever remember. You are the best parents in the whole world and I love you both so very much!!

Ladybug

Sometimes

Sometimes we just need someone to snuggle with. We want someone who is the most like us. We just want to throw our arm around them and put life on the back burner and cozy up for a while. No words are needed, just closeness and companionship. For Maggie, it is her teddybear Milo. For me....., well let's just say there are a lot of pillows on the bed and a world of hope.

Ladybug

Sometimes

Sometimes we just need someone to snuggle with. We want someone who is the most like us. We just want to throw our arm around them and put life on the back burner and cozy up for a while. No words are needed, just closeness and companionship. For Maggie, it is her teddybear Milo. For me....., well let's just say there are a lot of pillows on the bed and a world of hope.

Ladybug

When It All Looks Different

The last time I walked the road around the lake it was warm and perfect. You were skipping rocks and we were all talking and enjoying the coming sunset. There was July weather and geese swimming in lazy patterns, dogs happily running along gravel sniffing and wagging.

It is much different now. We still walk the lake road in the evening, but you are not there, no rocks slide along the icy surface of the lake. There is December weather and ducks are in marshes waiting out the winter months the geese have flown further south, and the puppies are hurriedly making their way toward the warmth of home.

It is funny though, because as I was pulling my scarf a little tighter around my neck, I could still, so perfectly, make out the way you looked that day and the peace that was on your face and the happiness as the rocks skipped again and again. It made me long to be back in July and for just a moment I closed my eyes and went back there again……

Merry Christmas

I wanted to write each of you that are linked to me a card, but alas I do not have all of your email addresses so I decided to write this to you instead and hope you see it before Christmas.

What a wonderful year it has been. I have grown so much and come so far from the place I was this time last year. Tomorrow morning I will head to North Carolina to be with my mother and dad for Christmas. Mom has decorated the house and has presents to the high heavens - even for Maggie. I know there will be a dusting of snow on the ground and Winston, my parents Collie will bound around the gate to greet us when we arrive.

The inside of the house will be filled with good smells and beautiful arrangements of flowers and something special sitting on the bedside table in my room - just like always. Family pictures will be looked at with freshness and love and mom will be there, ever attentive, with a warm blanket if I look a bit chilled, offers of something wonderful from her kitchen or hugs for no reason at all. Dad will be in his workshop sanding or putting the finishing touches on something and I am sure to be greeted by him with his signature safety glasses firmly etched into his eyes, slightly covered with sawdust. His thick hands will pat me as we sway back and forth in our signature hug and he will say that he loves me and how proud he is of me.

You see, I am so fortunate to be going home, to be going to love to be living the true meaning of Christmas. I felt that stirring today and have smiled all afternoon as I prepared my gifts for them and readied my house for my departure. I am so blessed to have this. I am so lucky and loved and happy to be seeing them.

Now, for each of you:

Peter: You are my Knight in slightly rusted armor. A true gem, a talent and a comic. I hope to meet you one day. Until then, Kung Pooch and I will write to you. Now you stop reading this and go back to writing for money!!!

Patrick: You are such a sweet and wonderful person. Your kindness and gentle spirit will take you far, so keep faith and don't be so hard on yourself. You cannot live a perfect life and God does not expect you to. I hope that the coming weeks will bring you peace and excitement for this new chapter in your life. Embrace it and smile that beautiful, warm smile again.

Lori: You are my example of faith and kindness you hold my dream of simplicity and love. Your children and your husband are lucky, indeed for all the gifts that you possess and share so easily with them - and through your writing, with us. Merry Christmas my faithful friend in Kansas.

Bryce: Thank you for being my daily amusement and thought processor. I log on to you first each morning and laugh at your wit and banter. You have such a lovely heart and the protection and stability you offer your daughter is the example of a loving father. Thank you for sharing Aspen with me through her words and drawings and the photographs you share of that amazingly beautiful child.

Tara: I wish this coming year to be the best you have ever had. That you find fulfillment and true love. You are a true Southern Firecracker and so beautiful. Remember the things I wrote to you and hold tight to them. Thank you for all the sweetness and support - I sure missed getting together with you for that cookie baking - but gladly let that slip by knowing that you were enjoying a new love. I am so happy that you have that. I am praying for your mother and for your family each and every day. Please know that.

Jamie: My IM buddy. Thank you for the laughter and scheming and friendship. I hope that we will soon meet each other and look forward to continuing our friendship. I am so pleased that you are writing and so amazed at your abilities as a photographer. Very nice work talented one!

Rebecca - My shoe soul sister separated at birth. You make me long for girlfriends and wine shops and Boston and laughter. Thank you for your wonderful stories and glimpses into your past. You are the girlfriend I wished was just around the corner.

Shhhh - I wrote you privately my thoughts and repeat them in spirit here. I hope your beach vacation is long and leisurely. Can't wait to read more of your thoughtful work.

BlueSloth - The cornerstone - world class father and movie critic. You are a must read for me each and every day. If I am ever blessed with children I hope their father is JUST LIKE YOU. I am so glad that you "get it" about what is best for your children - lucky Beasties.

Cheryl - Ever present and lovely. I love to read your stories of Sweetie Pie and life in California. I want to say thank you for lovely and thoughtful emails you have written to me, always making laugh knowing that true to your "address" there is surely a Mt. Dew at your side fueling you along.

And for all of you that stop by each day. I hope that you find some goodness here and some laughs at times. This outlet for my writing has been such a gift for my creative expression. It is my scrapbook to myself. Thank you for reading along!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's to each and every one of you! God bless!

Ladybug

True To My Word

There, it is out of the house. The ornaments that represent wonderful Christmas' past are off the tree, no bows left, no snowmen or glass fish or lollipops.

Now it sits awaiting its new family. It is lighted, in the stand and ready to celebrate Christmas in a house filled with love and promise. I know it sounds silly, but I said a small prayer for the family who will receive this tree. I prayed for happiness and joy and much love to each of them in the coming year. I prayed that they would have peace and stability and that they would feel God's love all around them this Christmas.

It is funny, because in doing this, I let go a little. I feel a sense of peace now.

Mellissa

Well Finally, You Show Up

The tiny, salty drops covered my cheeks and ran across my mouth and I thought to myself "Well, finally you showed up."

My mind ran over the particulars: No happily ever after, no church pic-nics on Sunday afternoon in the park, no first Christmas, second Christmas. No children that are as tall as one and look like the other, no Rudy's or Hill Country or walking beneath the stars and geese. No holding hands or riding bikes or reading to each other or waking up at 3:45 a.m. or early morning breakfasts at the corner stop. No hikes to the rock or playing in the grass or loving at the park or sitting in the dark on a swing, just talking.

And again, the tiny, salty drops began to cover my cheeks and run across my mouth and I thought to myself "You have five minutes left of this."

Is It Natural?

Is it natural to tire of Christmas? Not the true meaning of it, but the whole production of it. You see, I am tired of "Christmas."

There is this tree sitting in my house that I want to take out to the curb and let someone who really wants it, or can't afford one of their own, to take it. Someone who has children who would be soooo excited to have one - a real one 7 feet high and shaped so perfectly.

You see, I was not into Christmas last year either, but I did the whole dog and pony show and I was miserable and pretending. After my parents went to bed I sat in my room and cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve. This year I wanted to travel away and meet my girlfriend in Zurich. Since that did not work from a timing schedule I decided to stay home. I did the tree thing and house thing and began to get excited again. Then, just one day later events changed course...

Now I am getting ready for Christmas. I am angry and hurt and did I mention angry... well I am. I don't want this tree sitting in my living room, I don't want a reminder of what I hoped would be or the deception leading up to the purchase. I don't want the pretense of jolly ol' Christmas. I want it over and gone.

Instead, I am going home. I am going to a place where I am loved and I know it is real. I will celebrate the true Christmas this year. A small gift of love for my family. Given in the right spirit and in celebration of our Christ, who is the greatest companion and love we will ever need.

You know, this "Christmas" was taken from me in a wave of deception; but maybe that is not such a bad thing. I guess I just needed some truth.

Feeling So Good

Well I can't believe it!!! I woke up this morning feeling totally rested. I am so thankful for that as it is the first time in quite a while that I felt this - it is funny because as I sit in my living room this morning I remembered what it should feel like when you wake up. It should feel like your body rested and got recovery from the day before, your eyes should focus easily and your body should not ache.

For the past 6 months or so I have been waking up feeling almost hung-over and fluish and have stayed that way until about noon when I would feel the fog lift a little. But thanks to a higher dose of medicine for the thyroid I feel so good. I know it sounds really silly, but I could cry from happiness. I am so thankful to feel this way again. It was such a burden to pretend before!!!

So Maggie and I are soon off to Lowe's to buy some bird seed and some mulch. We have a lot of little friends feeding out back (yesterday we had a Bluebird and that is a very rare sight) and we need to buy them a little Christmas present!!!

My Answers

I saw this on Karen's blog and I liked it. I actually like these posts when you guys write them. I think it helps me know you better :-)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:32 a.m. (thanks mom)
2. Diamonds, pearls, silver or sea shells? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Wedding Crashers
4. What is your favorite TV. Show? Don't have one - don't really watch t.v.
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? nothing
6. What is your middle name? Ann
7. Favorite cuisine? Bar-b-q
8. What foods do you dislike? Brussels Sprouts, liver, any organ meat (ooohhh)
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Salt & Vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Norah Jones - Feels Like Home
11. What kind of car do you drive? BMW
12. Favorite sandwich? French dip or club
13. What characteristic do you despise? Disloyalty and insincerity
14. Favorite item of clothing? My white Nike baseball cap
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Richard Bransons Island Nekkar (but it will never happen as it is $20k per day.)
16. What color is your bathroom? Khaki
17. Where would you retire to? France
18. What was your most memorable birthday? 34 - in Germany.
19. Goal you have for yourself? Washboard abs.
20. When is your birthday? June 5
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? I am an afternoon person
22. What is your shoe size? 9.5
23. Pets? Cocker Spaniel - Maggie
24. What did you want to be when you were little? Archaeologist
25. What is your favorite candy? Andes mints
26. What is your favorite flower? Iris
27. Besides the general things like friends and family, what are you most thankful for today? That I am not crying
28. If you could choose what would be your last words on earth, what would they be? I really loved as best I could, I tried my best everyday and I hope you will remember that I was steadfast and loyal. Please take care of Maggie for me.

The Hawk and the Sparrow

As I was driving to the car wash this afternoon, I saw the most amazing sight (as I sat at the same red light three times). There were two birds circling overhead to my right. One I identified as a Hawk because the of the distinctive flying pattern and wings and the other was a Sparrow. I thought at first that they were flying in a large circle looking for food, but then I realized that they were preparing for battle in the air.

They would circle and the Hawk would play the aggressor, flying so close to the Sparrow in an attempt to intimidate her into leaving the hunting ground. Intimidation, plain and simple. What amazed me what that after three passes and near hits from Hawk, the Sparrow turned back and engaged back as the aggressor. She came in strong, she stood her ground and she fought for what was hers. The Hawk would not win this battle and she came after him so forcefully and continually that he eventually gave up in his attacks on her and flew away.

Sometimes it is the one we think will surely lose that ends up winning in the end. Survival of the most determined I guess.

It was simply an amazing sight to see. It was the best part of my day.

Ladybug

Blurred Words

There are times in life when the words are blurred. We spend our lives slightly out of focus; not seeing what is really important in our hearts and in our lives until our lines become crossed and we don’t know who we are anymore.

In all honestly, that blur has represented the last three years of my life, and more so if I were honest about how long my vision was off.

I am on an airplane to Canada right now, and my thoughts are once again on Lance and my relationship with him. I think about where we are headed and where we have been together. I wonder how much we each really see each other and how much we blur the lines to see what we want or to have an indistinguishable picture in our minds eye.

The most precious parts of this year have been the parts of the year that expressed my freedom, and who I am as a 37 year old woman. Part of me is extremely proud of myself and then there are others that represent my shame in actions, my lack of follow-through and my fear of being alone and never again having “family” – maybe this is making me blur my lines. I sincerely hope not, but I think underneath this eternal optimist is a little scared pessimist. That is the part of myself that I loathe in the quiet moments of my life.

When I examine my life I come up with a split between these two facets of my personality and that is the point of my writing and reflecting today. I exchanged email the past couple of weeks with my ex-husband. They were in typical fashion. Mine long and wordy with lots of exclamation points made like confetti to give credence to my points or to indicate my excitement about what I was conveying. The words were still loving; still written to nurture and to encourage. His replies were the same also. The same as they had always been. Abbreviated and to the point, no hints of love lost, no bits of remorse hidden in the lines or woven into the paragraph. Still I am grateful and blessed to have had the exchange with him. It is the part of my life that haunts me to this day. It is the hole in my heart that even though healing nicely will leave a weak spot forever, so the times we connect and affirm that we indeed, were real is healing for me. The most difficult part of a divorce is pretending that the person never existed at all. That is the impossible feat for me. It is my Everest. I cannot pretend that Edward was a dream I had long ago.

Things in my life are progressing though and I am happy overall. There is, of course, a small semblance of sadness that tinges the corners of my life and I am learning that they are a part of life, not an exception or an abnormality.

This is all a part of the fabric of life. It is natural. It is fine.