It is hard to turn away from something you loved; to turn your back in order to survive. I had to do this yesterday in the midst of very delicate circumstances. I hate the way it feels and I woke up crying again this morning and I choke back tears as I write this now. I will not cry in a public place. There have been too many tears of late; tears of fear and of sadness and of uncertainty. There are also tears that stream down my face when I pray to God to help me find a solution to where I find myself in life.
As many of you know, I had taken a couple of months off of work to get healthy and balanced in my life, being fully prepared to return to work in July after a summer's sabbatical. I met my time frame, as I always have had the ability to work and was offered a great job which I readily accepted. For reasons that I will not go into at this time, but will share with you all very soon, that job offer was rescinded when I was honest about something to them. I was discriminated against in a blatant way, one in which if I notified the State of Georgia of what happened, I would be comfortable for quite some time, in-and-out, case closed. I promised, however, in giving them my news, that I would understand if they did not want to continue with my starting work last Monday. I have no choice but to keep my word. I will keep my word because I needed to know that I was going to work representing good people, people who would be there for me, as I would be there for them. I needed to know how they really were - and now I do.
I also realize as the days go by, finding meaningful employment in my field will be next to impossible due to my situation. I am facing reality and it scares me and leaves me completely undone. My fault completely. I will be moving out of my townhouse at the end of August as I won't have the comfort of knowing financial security right now. I plan on moving up to North Carolina with my parents for a while. I love them to death, but this just devastates me in ways I cannot relay in writing or by emotion. I know it is only temporary, but if you read back a few posts to where I talk about my home and my things, you might get a feeling of just how hard things are right now for me.
I know God has an answer for me in all of this - I sure have been asking him "why" and sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something I did at some point in my life. Then I have to calm down and remind myself once again that our God is a loving father who does not want to hurt us in any way. I have never been able to accept help from another person. I have always been fiercely independent and able to care for myself without the need of another. Now I am reliant on my parents - and I am so lucky that I have two wonderful people who will see me through and give me hugs and love me unconditionally. In this I am blessed, and I am learning that at some points we need help, and it is o.k. to accept that help with a grateful heart.
So to you - if you read this. I cannot pretend to understand for your benefit anymore. I have to make sacrifices and that means you are one that is made also. It breaks my heart - but you leave me no choice in the matter. Talk is cheap and right now I don't need lip service. I need strength, maturity and action.
To everyone else, please don't worry about me. Just know that I write from an honest place on my Blog. It is my outlet and while I am temporarily down, I am not out. DON'T feel sorry for me, you know I would HATE that. Just continue to be my friends - that matters to me the most.
I will be sharing some things as I go along, as my writing is my creative outlet and my cathartic process. I write for me, and for me alone. If "YOU" think any differently - that is not my problem, as I have bigger things to worry about than how "YOU" feel all the time.
xoxo,
Mellissa
6 comments:
Mellissa:
My prayers are with you!! I know you will pull through because your attitude is good, even amidst these trials you are going through. God definitely has a plan for you and I know it can be frustrating to not be able to see the other side and to feel like you are being buffeted by the waves uncontrollably.
Without knowing the specifics of the discrimination against you and hoping you didn't sign anything specifically promising that you wouldn't take legal action, I hope you will still keep that as an option. Discrimination in any form is wrong and perhaps this company has discriminated similarly to others, counting on their charity to take it no further than you have.
Especially so if this prevents you from working in your field again or perhaps limits what you can do in that field.
I can well relate to you from my own experience how discomforting it is to not have the financial seurity and the ability to be self supportive that you once had and the need to rely on your parents and others during these times.
Peace and God's grace to you, my friend. Always.
First of all, your last paragraph kicks ass!
Second--isn't it odd just how uncomfortable it can be to accept help when you need it? Especially from the two people who have known you and loved you the longest. My guess is that they wouldn't have it any other way!
And not that I'm one that cites the Bible much, but Matthew 6:25-34 pretty much says it all. And I think you know that!
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Mellissa, as you face these trials and challenges. I know you value your relationship with your family and they will be there for you 100%, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Though I don't know the specifics, I do know that you will come through this with grace and style.
Blessings, friend.
I too have you in my prayers. God has wonderful plans for you sweet lady :)
You are in my prayers!
Hey you ...
God knows how much I missed you.
Hugging you sincerely and feeling you all the way ...
Keep relying on God for He will never let you down ...
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