Not Enough

Sometimes love in and of itself is not enough. It cannot bridge the chasm alone no matter how hard we try. It is heartbreaking to feel for another and know that the feeling is not returned. Days are survived with a longing in ones soul that nothing can quell except time.

I have lived this last year alone and at many times lonesome. I have loved someone who cannot return the feeling. It matters not that we made a child together or that we have fought the hardest battles against each other. In the end it boils down to a simple truth that must be faced. One loved, the other did not. It is empty and sad and the hardest thing to wake up to each day.

I tried so many times in vain to climb the wall, to tear it down, to beat my fists against it. I have felt betrayal and hurt, I have torn at myself over and over and I am weary now and simply exhausted from trying. I have to digest the truth and it is bitter, it steals joy from my miracles and casts a shadow on even the sunniest of days.

This is my life as it is now. There is no future to look toward on the West horizon so I will turn and face East, towards the sunrise instead of the sunset. I am going to try to work past this heartbreak and find my joy again - beginning today.

I had a call from my recruiter for a position here in Atlanta. The call came after I spent the morning praying about letting go and about God's will for me and my son in this next chapter. I asked God to forgive me for letting my pain overshadow the joy of the gift he gave me in my son and I quietly whispered to Evan that I love him and that I will do better to only feel the joy of his existence as the guiding light in my life.

I am no longer pregnant, I can no longer be overlooked in life or allow myself to climb or rail or try to tear down walls. I have a path in front of me, a path to my future. It is time to lay the foundation, it is time to live again...and I will.

Goodbye yesterday, goodbye hope in what is not meant to be, goodbye to you from my heart; may you find what you seek - may it be all that you dream in your head of love. I can wish no better for you. I can give no more to you.

I am turning Eastward now, no looking back.