Cleveland

I am sitting in total silence with the exception of the click of the keypad. I am ungrateful and in many ways, very selfish. I am humbled by tonight, the eve of the day we give thanks for our blessings. You see, I just I learned a lesson - was taught a lesson. I must truly be thankful for the life God gave me and for the blessings he bestows on me endlessly, although I am not deserving.

In my final preparations for having guests tomorrow, I realized that I was missing a few ingredients needed to make a few of the dishes I was preparing in advance so I headed to the grocery store. I left my affluent neighborhood with my dog on my lap and money in my wallet. I passed mansion upon mansion on my short drive towards Peachtree Street, looking in the windows, noticing the beautiful paintings and lit driveways, gas lanterns flickering on posts by the roadside.

As I turned into the plaza where the store is, my headlights focused on a man. He looked to be my age. He had taken the lid off the trash bin next to the post office and was rummaging amongst the contents. He picked up a drink cup and swirled it to see if there was anything in there to drink. He had found something to give him a bit of relief from his thirst. The post office has been closed for hours, so I knew the contents of that cup were more than likely from lunch. Warm and tasting of Styrofoam.

As I pulled into my parking space and made my way into the market I noticed that he had moved closer to the store - to the next garbage can and was removing the lid. I went over to him. "Excuse me sir, are you hungry?" I noticed that he had found a discarded cigarette butt and was holding it between his fingers. More leftovers from another. He said yes, he was hungry. I asked him to wait for me, I told him I would return in a moment from the store and bring him something to eat. He could not look me in the eye and I could tell in that moment that he had a sweet spirit in him and that he had not looked many people in the eye for a long time.

As I went into the store, I could not remember the few items that I went there for. I walked up and down the aisles but my mind could not focus. Everything inside me was hurting - for him and the countless others that will not have this year. Not just tomorrow, but many days after. No place to sleep, no food to eat and more than likely a substance abuse problem caused by a break in their soul at some point in their lives.

There were so many people in the store, buying so much, so much. Carts overflowing. I still could not remember what I needed - but I knew what he needed, so I proceeded to the deli to buy him a rotisserie chicken and some warm macaroni and cheese. A large bottle of water, a Sprite, utensils, salt and pepper and a pack of cigarettes. No leftovers tonight. Not for him.

He was waiting still, outside the store and I sat next to him, handing him the bag. I offered my hand to him and introduced myself. He returned in kind, still not able to meet my eyes. "Hi, my name is Cleveland."

We talked for a few minutes and he began to feel comfortable and peeked inside his bag. He said nothing to me, just reached over and squeezed my hand as I got up and made my way back to the car with a weight on me of conviction. "Be thankful Mellissa, be truly thankful" was all I heard inside my heart. So tonight as I sit here, humbled and reminded what tomorrow is really about. Lesson applied.

Thank you Cleveland - God bless you and keep you.

Dreaming

I am dreaming today of Provence. Remembering all the sights and sounds.....the joy in your company; idle hours of bliss in washed in the most beautiful light. Do you remember it? Do you remember the Les Beaux Des Provence, the Provence of Provence - Les Anciens where steep cliffs hide ancient castles and cicada's hum in the the trees.

Tonight I am remembering the light and the warmth. Van Gogh loved the light in Arles and spent years painting there; my favorite, Cafe Terrace on the Place du Forum. We sat at that very cafe, just to relax and have a coffee and read the paper. It was not a history lesson to be observed, it is still a cafe to relax and enjoy. I left you there while I went to pick up the quilted bags I had made for my mother. What a beautiful memory we had had - just being, wandering around the small village while waiting towards late afternoon to drive the short distance to experience the horses of the Camargue at sunset.

The wild horses of the Camargue, a beautiful, silver white breed of horse that lives in the marshlands of the South of France alongside beautiful flamingos - there origins in this region are prehistoric. What a display it was to see them running along the marshes that lined the route from Arles to the sea coast. I will never forget that as long as I live.

As I sit here in Atlanta tonight, fighting off the chill in the air, I remember our wonderful lunch at the Oustau de Baumaniere. Three hours we sat on that beautiful patio surrounded by groves of trees that caused the light to dapple across our tabletop. Every attention to detail was evident from the hand pressed Huile de Olive to the clay birds that adorned our table. You snuck away to buy one for me - it now sits on my coffee table as a reminder of that day.

As I head inside to prepare for my evening out with friends, I will take the images of those days with me - to keep me warm, and make me smile. Steve, I will see you in Paris soon!!

IM NOT READY TO PLAY NICE

You want the "nice" Mellissa back eh? Well guess what - that is not going to happen. Just like with the last fella, you pulled the crap card one too many times and I went to the sink and washed my hands of you.

Now I am finally angry - and you know what it FEELS good! It feels so much better than the piny, pathetic girl who kept thinking the best of you and being gracious. No more wasting my time on you.

So you go on and sit out there in nowhereville, hiding behind that mask of non-committal nonchalance. I have better things to do with my life, things that won't include thoughts of you anymore.

Funny how getting mad can help you get over!

I will still be "Nice Mellissa" to those who are deserving of my kindness and generosity. You are just not one of those people who will see that side of me again.

Thoughts On A Blog

I was thinking about our conversations today, trying to remember some of the things we spoke of while we were together. I was trying to remember what it is that I remember about you so fondly.

What were the words we actually spoke to each other? What were the topics that were strung together like little pearls to make this imaginary strand that I value so much? I wonder to myself if it was the actual words you spoke that made me slowly fall in love with you, or the tone and laughter. See, that is what I remember the most about the words we spoke to each other. I remember the laughter breaking in between the words, but today I really wonder what we spoke of that filled countless hours.

When I think of you, which is often during the day, I find myself wondering how you are - how are Auburn and Jordan doing...how is your brother and mother. Does your back hurt today?

I remember so many things about you, little vignettes that I can see in my minds eye. You stand at the stove with one hand out, fingers rigid. No one else does that. You constantly have a piece of Juicy Fruit gum in your mouth and like to wear those black gym shorts around the house. You have way too many white tee shirts and a spray bottle on your sink with a bit of water in it for your hair, which you have cut much too often.

I remember Valentines Day, eating take out food in front of the fire. That was the first night I stayed in your house. I loved it there. I remember always being cold at night because I like lots of covers and you like only a sheet covering you in sleep. I loved showing up one day and noticing that you had put a small electric blanket on my side of the bed so I would be more comfortable. I guess that reminds me that February and March were still a bit cold here in Georgia. I wonder how this winter will be? I will most likely be alone here at my own home, with a featherbed and a fluffy down comforter to snuggle in....but not you next to me.

I remember the way we kissed each other, the first time and countless times after. It was magic, we were matched well even though I had to get on my tip toes to curl my hand along the back of your neck. It never mattered to me in those moments that I was not 5'9" and blond. I was the perky 5'6" brunette who loved you and showed it.

I think about the fact that we never went to the movies together at any time from January to September....that strikes me oddly enough. I do remember the High Museum and seeing Andrew Wyeth on that rainy Saturday, followed by bison burgers at Ted's. That was the day another man called me from Texas, asking me to try again - to work with him towards marriage and children. I said no to him - because my thoughts were only of you and the absolute goodness that I found in you. There was never a doubt in my mind that I only wanted to look forward...towards you.

I remember soap box derby and the playground outside the church and driving up towards the mountain ridge and the tree that peeked out from the darkness. You wanted to go back and photograph that tree - but I don't need to - you see I remember that picture vividly in my minds eye. I can see it now. The date, January 28th.

There are a few men now who want to get to know me. I don't want to let them. I don't want to try right now. I am still remembering too many things about the past. Maybe it is just taking inventory so I can move forward, but my feet and my heart don't really want to climb another mountain right now.

So as I complete this post today, and remember you - there is one thing that I can't remember...and that is exactly what the words were that made me fall so deeply in love with you.

Hiding Out for the Holidays

Hard to believe Fall is here! Everything is so beautiful in Atlanta right now with yellow being the first choice of color for most of the trees showing off for us.

I am sitting in the kitchen at my desk, looking out the front window at the leaves falling and birds hopping around looking for a bite. It is a good reminder for me to go get some seed to help them through the coming months.

I am getting ready for my next three events, one of which will take me to Geneva, Switzerland the first week of December. I have not been in Geneva since 2001, so I am looking forward to being there again and making a visit to Bucherer to see what is new in the jewelry shop that is my favorite. I will be there from December 8th to the 16th. Brrr...

After Geneva, I am headed over to Paris where I will remain until just before Christmas. It will be nice to get ready for the holidays over there, shopping for unique gifts for my family and friends and enjoying my favorite city in the world. That is my Christmas present to myself. Just being where I love. I plan on taking the Eurostar into London for a night and visiting some friends there and, of course visiting the Queen - HA HA.

All-in-all I am beginning to embrace this single stuff. My ex-husband just let me know that he had our marriage annulled and it cracked me up that the Catholic church has such convenient ways - such as the ability to say that 13 years of marriage were "null" and most likely a figment of my non-Catholic imagination!! (sorry to all the reading Catholics - no offense intended, but it is a joke in the eyes of the rest of us!). I am not angry with him, don't get me wrong. It is just more of a eye rolling and head turning slowly side to side reaction.

So, not much other news from my side and work is calling me back to attention.

I hope you all are doing well!

xoxo,
Mellissa

A Real Steal

Last night I attended a charity dinner and auction in Atlanta. It was a wonderful event to raise money for one of the places I volunteer.

You can't imagine my surprise when I saw a painting by Thomas Swanston on the silent auction display!!

I bid on it and kept checking back throughout the evening to make sure no one outbid me on the piece which I had seen last year at an exhibit at the Lowe Gallery here in Atlanta.

Thomas is a graduate from the Parson's School of design in New York, and I love the colors he uses in his work.

I am now the very proud owner of this piece, which reminds me of Fall and will hang in my bedroom for me to enjoy every day!!

A great event overall - and a big steal on this piece of art. I just love a win-win situation!

xoxo,
Bug

Digging Up

I wish I wasn’t such a deep thinker. If I could change one thing about myself, it would not be thinness or less wrinkles, it would be superficial thinking.

“I’m not even thinking about Christmas” he said, offering the simple prime number in response to my algebraic equation of thought.

“That’s it.” was my response (to myself). I need to think in simple nouns instead of the action creating verbs or better yet my favorite hopeful adjective streams. My thoughts are too complex; too deep. I need to bring it to the simplistic. I think like college linear algebra instead of kindergarten flash card addition.

1 – 1 = 0 instead of e1Π +1 = 0 (Euler’s equation which contains all nine basic concepts of math and still ends in nothing!!)

So in closing, I am sitting here thinking deeply again – about the process of thinking simply. The irony is certainly not lost on me!

xoxo,
Bug

Seasons Change

It is hard to believe that Fall is here again. The air this morning is crisp and leaves are falling, covering the back patio. It is time to put the sleeveless shirts away and freshen the sweaters. It is time to tuck away the hope of Summer and face the coming Winter months.

It is also time to close the chapter. I lingered over the final chapter in our book, waiting to see how I would write the ending, hoping secretly that if I waited the ending might be different. I wanted the girl to win in the end, to capture the heart of the man she loves. But, seasons change and stories have to come to an end.

So last night I finished the final chapter. The girl did not win in the end. She tucked away the Summer dreams along with the thin cotton shirts and shorts. She removed the dreams of June with each pair of sandals she tucked into boxes and placed on the top shelf.

As she dressed in jeans and a sweater to start her day, she felt a sense of peace and calm. She opened the door to the cold air and breathed in deeply. "Fall and Winter are beautiful seasons." she thought as she stepped through the door and closed it behind her.

The closing of doors, the changing of seasons, the final chapter complete.

Circles

There are times when I sit back and think about what I am, who I am and the things that move me or habits I have. I find that the older I get the more I stop during the day and have little vignettes of thoughts or impressions about life. It is an amazing feeling. Just the clarity of my thoughts.

As I am sitting on the plane today, I am watching a mother with a baby; he is about 7 months old and is a bit of a good mimicker. If I stick out my tongue, he does too and then he smiles in triumph at his ability to mimic me.

Being back in San Francisco was a bit hard on me. As I walked from my hotel room to the lobby to go to work, I looked out and saw that beautiful city gleaming off in the distance and I started to tear up. It was because I completed a circle in my life. I closed the loop on an open thread. The last time I was here I was 24 years old, newly married and full of dreams. This is where my adult life began. I started married life here, my professional life here and faced my weaknesses here, my youth portal.

So standing back in this city again, now 38 years old was something to face. I looked back at the past and dealt with the fact that my life is not at all what I pictured when I saw this view last time. I missed Ted at that moment and wanted to call him but it was too late to ring him on the East coast. I felt really alone at that moment. Not lonely, just alone. I realized how different things are now, how it really is just me out here making my way in the world.

I also notice men now – not in the way you think, but I notice the ones who are protecting the woman they love, cloaking her, cuddling her, whispering to her and I can feel exactly what is going on there. I remember that feeling and it is so interesting to me now to witness it in action, in the third person. I am totally separate from it but my spirit jumps a little because it remembers when I used to have that. It is like muscle memory, or being able to navigate your house in the dark. Your soul remembers things too. It calibrates your life and remembers.

It is a funny reality for me now – that there is no one waiting for me. No matter where I go. There is no one waiting…..and that is o.k. For the first time I can really say “it’s o.k.”

Mellissa

Off Again

Good morning,

Well, it is time to go again. I am off to Los Angeles this afternoon to work for a few days before heading up to San Francisco to meet with my team and take a Saturday to enjoy the city I lived in in the early 1990's.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Things have been rather hectic around here getting ready for our worldwide conference for Information Technology. I am excited to re-united with many of my colleagues from around the world. That is the nice part of my job - the people I work with are great and it will be good to come together again, just like we did in Barcelona in June. This time I plan on sleeping a bit more though.....

More from the road!

xoxo,
Bug

We Were

Two then we were
Peacefully sleeping,
When there in the dark
Your lips began keeping
Company with mine
Hands intertwined.

Eyes fluttered open.
Dreams became broken
With the sweet reality
of your hands upon me.

One then we were
Fully awake,
here is my heart
It's all your's to take.

"I've never needed"
The words were repeated
Then softly retreated
Back into my soul.

I said it instead
with no words in your bed.

Volumes were spoken
Words had no place.
It was all in the moment
The look on my face.

Two then we were
Return to sleeping.
There is a story
My heart is now keeping...

A Person In A Dog Suit

I haven't written about my dog, Margaret Mitchell (Maggie) in a long time and she wanted me to let you all know that she is still around and running the house with me!

She put on her new Winter coat and Fall sweater so you could see that she is still as fashionable as ever. Whenever we do our daily three miles at Chastain she is quite the star attraction.

And no, she is not always dressed up....she gets to go in the stream and dirt and woods and be a spaniel too. Like her mother, she embraces both sides of her girlness!

xoxo,
Bug

I Am Drunk (not really)

I am drunk
No - not stinking.
Just a buzz
'Cause I was drinking.
Irish Cream
Too large a glass.
For me
A novice drinking lass.
Now I'm yawning
And it is dawning
That sleep is coming
To take me away.
The perfect ending
To the perfect day!

4/00

Is This What Your Rationale Sounds Like?

Authors Note: This is NOT about me or the way I think..just saying, before anyone asks me...

Why do we chase the elusive?
Why do we give to those who don’t deserve it and withhold from those who do?
Why do we try to do a song and dance

For those who will never give us credit for our talent?
Compliment those who really are undeserving?
Is it that we can’t see the truth, or are just willing to do anything to get someone to love us?

Here, look at me…I can be good enough!
Here, listen to me, I have changed myself and now think like you do!

Is that what you wanted?
Here, over here…You are the one, you are the catch!

You are my ideal of perfection. The best I have ever known in my life
If we work really hard we could be perfect together.
I will even be sad again to be with you.

I will leave true goodness behind to be with you again.
I guess it really was not that bad before.

It just must have been me that caused all this.
Since I am willing to change my DNA for you, we will be happy.

You are the only one who matters. I will matter simply because you accept me.

Reversioner's thinking. It is never a good thing.

There Is

There is such sweetness here that I want to stay forever. There is so much love that I have for you in my heart that I strain to keep the words hidden safely behind my teeth.

Once you said that the simple things make a relationship last forever. I know my forever could be with you, walking Maggie, cooking a simple meal together, working around the house, our incessant talking and bursts of laughter. I really like who you are.

When we come together in the quiet times of our day, you are my sheltering tree. You are the place I want to run to for refuge; hiding under your branches until I feel safe enough to come out. You are my sentinel, my compass and my beacon.

When something magical happens it is you that I want to tell first, just as you are the first I want to talk to when a hard decision needs to be made or I doubt my own stance on something. You never take my joy for granted, nor my worry too lightly.

Thank you for allowing me to take shelter with you again for a short while. I feel strong enough to go it alone, but will miss you and the sweetness There Is with us.

Mellissa

What's Inside

Inside of you there is a twist of molten metal.

Your surface hides it for a while.

But skin is fragile and cannot hold your contents for long.

The metal burns through, bearing sharp edges.

You cut those around you as you become exposed.

How sorry I feel for them.

Inside of you there is a twist of emotions.

Your smile hides it for a while.

But smiles are fragile and cannot contain your fangs for long.

The emotions burst through, in spite and venom.

You puncture those around you with hate.

How sorry I feel for them.

Your hands tend the wounds you inflicted.

You look at it as kindness

Not realizing it is you who caused the damage

As the wound becomes infected, you recoil

And chastise the person for being careless around metal and fangs.

Never fully comprehending, they were a byproduct of you...

The Dangers of Communicating with Girlfriends of Mine

Good morning! It is a new day and I am over the hump of yesterday. I have some things to accomplish and the sun is shining in that beautiful Fall morning light that makes me feel cozy!

As you all know I have a great group (posse) of 6 girlfriends. We travel together, pray together, look out for each other, share clothes & gossip and act as the family unit for each other as we are all single living a distance away from our families.

The men in my life always hear about "the girls" and generally like them and somehow always seem to make contact with them, I think to have a bit of an "in". Well, I would say that this is a double-edged sword.

You see, not only are we loving of each other we are EXTREMELY protective of each other. It is the mess with the bull and get the horns kind of thing! Well, last night after listening to me tell about my day and seeing me cry over something really thoughtless that someone did. One of the girls took matters on.

You see the man had emailed her earlier in the month, being friendly, chatty, etc. trying to get a bit of an insight from my friends. Well, that coin has another side. Last night I saw an email that she sent him that would melt the skin of a rhino.

Ouch, I would have hated to be the one reading that..... They are waaay meaner than I am. I guess that whole "write and share with the girls" thing backfired on him.

Sorry Joe - you messed with the Bull.....

xoxo,

Bug

Today

I woke up heavy hearted this morning and reflective. Turning over events of the past couple of years, wondering why it happened. Feeling a loss again of my best friend, wishing that I had been cherished, wondering if something is wrong with me.

A phone call came this morning from a new person I allowed into my life, delivering a bad blow to me. I kept listening, not speaking, not having the words to say anything, but reeling and feeling myself sicken. I could only reply something short and press the button to end the flow of words coming in my direction. I don't have the heart or the stomach to deal with this anymore. I didn't have the emotional ability to "play nice" and be understanding. Not today.

You see, today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I did not need anymore hurt to remind me. But more hurt I got.

xoxo,

Bug

P.S. To the person who called me today, and who is logging on to read this blog. Please go away. You are not welcome here. I hope when you look in the mirror, you are ashamed of yourself.

Some Things Never Change

What can I possibly add to this wonderful sentiment? Actually, a lot - but I won't. I will just go to bed instead.

Night All!

Bug

The "Break" Up

It was a wonderful love affair – for two years. The American and the Italian. We were a “signature” item. We spent almost every day together, joining up just after my morning shower. When we were out, people took notice, came closer, gave compliments.

We were a great team…until the worst scenario….we had traveled together to Switzerland and then on to Barcelona. That is where it all fell apart. Just like most other days, I reached for my love just after my shower and before getting dressed…

That day was a big change – you see, it was the “break” up. I forgot to be careful. I forgot how fragile a thing it was. We have been apart now for four months. Others have played a stand in role in the meantime, but never captured the “essence” of me. But today changed all that. Lunchtime came and we found our way back to each other….in Nordstrom, a boutique department store in Atlanta.

I was walking into the hair salon when I spied my love…waiting patiently for me to notice and draw closer. I did notice and my eyes sparkled again. We were re-united right then and there.

Now we are together again…and tomorrow’s post shower routine will commence…as if time had never passed. I made a promise to Dolce & Gabana from today forward. I will never "drop" you like that again.

Sing with me people.... ((cues music))

"Reunited and it feels so good.

Reunited 'cause we understood.

There's one perfect fit

And, sugar, this one is it

We both are so excited

'Cause we're reunited

Hey, hey"

Occlusal Adjustment Equilibration

Definition:

Bite adjustment which reduces overloading forces by reducing heavy contacts through gentle recontouring of tooth structure.

Outcome:

My mouth hurts!! Not the best way to start your day... I guess I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep and got my bite off....note to self...RELAX!!

One of My Favorites - Asparagus...

This was my dinner last night. One of my favorite things is Asparagus. I guarantee if you try this recipe you will be hooked. I learned this from my best friend, Pascale in Switzerland...she got the love of pumpkin pie from me - I got asparagus wrapped in ham!!

You will need:

1. Boursin Cheese (pronounced Bursan) - I like the cracked black pepper variety.
2. Olive Oil
3. Fresh asparagus
4. Thinly sliced dried ham - such as prosciutto di Parma (procuitto)

Buy good quality asparagus, the fattest stalks you can find. In preparation, you will snap the stalky end off the asparagus - nature tells you where by the flex point. It will snap where it is supposed to. Just bend the end down and let it pop.

Allow your Boursin to come to room temperature as it is a spreadeable cheese made with fine herbs and my favorite is the Black Pepper. You will spread about 1 tablespoon per each cluster of asparagus to be baked.

Choose three to four asparagus stalks and place them on top of the slice of parma ham. Put a tablespoon of Boursin in the midde, and bring the ends of the ham together to close the bundle of asparagus. Repeat this until you have made the desired number you wish to serve.

Drizzle a bit of olive oil in a baking dish or a pan and place the bundles on top. Lightly drizzle olive oil over the top and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for approximately 15 minutes depending on the size of your asparagus stalks. Small stalks can also be used, cooking about 7 minutes.

You will need nothing on top - no salt or pepper. The cheese will become melted and the ham will crispen and provide the salt for the dish.

I love serving this with a filet de bouf and fingerling potatoes with fresh parsley.

Enjoy!

Bug

I would rather you hate me than leave me

Blog note: This post is NOT written about me - rather about my impression of a statement said to me by another. Sometimes my Blog is a newsletter, and other times just a way to write down my thought progression. This is one of those examples...

“Please pray for my foster mother so that she and I can be friends and that she will love me. And for my real parents, please pray that they get what they deserve for abandoning me.”

How can I pray for the woman who beat you repeatedly, who turned her eye to your abuse by men? I don’t have the courage to pray for that request. I instead will pray for her soul and that God has mercy on her when she faces him.

Is it worse to be left behind that to be abused? In some minds, at least negative attention is less painful than being ignored. Not in mine, but then again I don’t have that broken history to live with.

I have been in a relationship that was, at times, verbally abusive. I would have rather had the abandonment than the harshness. At least in solitude there is peace. Luckily, no one in my life has raised a hand to me. God help them if they did, because I am a bit of a hellcat and you would all know me as the woman who “shot that man in the penis” than the sweet, lovable girl I am!

Anyway, I digress. I was thinking tonight on my way home about the levels of abuse we submit people to and are submitted to. I feel very lucky and blessed that while I can dish a heaping spoonful in the direction needed at times, I have never emotionally hurt another. I have never cut someone to the quick and left them to recover while I sat in haughty appreciation of my skills with the verbal knife. I haven’t left someone with words that still come around and threaten their confidence. It is hard to turn the other cheek and I usually find myself reeling by a personal attack – most often less on the defensive than just feeling wounded and betrayed and unable to speak.

So, before I head off to have a bite of dinner and read for a bit, I want to ask each of you who reads this to take stock of yourselves. Please try to give someone in your life a little extra kindness this week. You never know, you might just be the balm that helps heal the wound inside them. There are a lot of walking wounded out there…..

God Bless –

Bug

Everest

Today I made a hasty exit. I had been too exposed and withdrew immediately. I don’t like being vulnerable and tend to keep safe by keeping to myself.

I know that is not the right way to be, but as the years progress I find that my ability to open up to another is harder. It is my Everest. Today I went to base camp and was left feeling the need to go back down. The air was too thin and I was afraid. No matter how skillful the guide, trust is not easily given in my world anymore. I am not ready to climb mountains. I think a quiet path along a stream is more my comfort zone right now.

Xoxo,
Bug

Dream House

If I could pick a home, I think this would be it! No one could reach you if you wanted to be left alone, there would be no sounds of cars whizzing by or people going through your garbage can and you could go outside in your underwear with the dog!!

Yep, this would be the place, and I would change my name to Heidi and run around barefoot in all that grass and buy a couple of cows and a goat named Molly and sing the "The hills are alive with the sound of music" while wearing traditional Swiss dress and eating Gruyere cheese and Sprungli chocolate.

Good grief, I have lost my mind - I need to go to work.

xoxo,
Bug

p.s. that is a REAL house - I took a picture of it from my train window on my way from Lucerne to Interlaken Switzerland..my guess is that it is a cheese storage house though...

Shhhhh, NO MORE TALKING.....

Why did you call me now? What was the reason you decided to chat with me at 2:20 a.m. and call back at 2:40 a.m. Yes, I was awake, yes I laughed with you, was coy with my answers and tried to seem o.k. with it. But I am tired of this scenario!!

We were together for 7 months - SEVEN MONTHS and you could not move forward with me and now this? Now that I have done the work, cried the tears and stepped towards what is in front of me and you want to know if I want to come for dinner, you want to tell me that you learned to care for others from your relationship with me, you want to tell me that you stepped back into your past and finally closed that chapter?

Well I can't talk this way with you...you see, I am TIRED of this scenario with the men I allow into my life. They don't know a good thing till it's gone and I am left to pick up the pieces and move forward...only to have them call me in the usual three month time frame wanting to be friends with me, wanting to have my laughter back into their lives, wanting that woman who inspires them to be greater than they were, think larger than they did, love bolder than they had before, express themselves physically more than they had before.

Well I just can't do that. Thank you for calling...it is now 3:15 a.m. and I am tired..in more ways than one.

Why does the past always come back to haunt?

Revisiting

Up, up – pushing with legs to reach a bit higher. I was laughing and wanted to jump off, just like when, as a child I sat – full of motion in a spot like this.

The last of the pre-fall nights, still warm enough for sleeveless shirts and bare legs found me feeling alive again.

The difference was, that you were there beside me, swinging even higher. Shoes off and smiling.

What a great way to end an evening with someone you enjoy. Nothing fancy, just swinging on the playground.

Jessica Eh?

Tonight my date said I was like Jessica Rabbit....

Yum...

Night!

xoxo,
Bug

My Heart Is In Motion

I was recalling a conversation I had with my mother a few months back. She and I were talking about volunteerism and how important giving back to others is. I had gone through a little rough patch the past few months, and was pretty down on myself. My mother reminded me that it is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are busy helping others. It is sometimes necessary to take the attention you are giving yourself away from yourself and give it to another.

So I made a decision that I had been pondering over for a few months and gave someone a "yes" answer. I was scared to death when I said it out loud, and was teary for half the day that I was due to begin my volunteering. I was afraid and I was not worthy. I was about to face myself head-on and know that I have never experienced pain like they had, and that my sadness was just a spoiled girls pity party. You see, they know pain - I merely know disappointment.

The sad truth is that every year, the Department of Family and Children's Services removes thousands of children from unhealthy homes. Most people believe that they just go to Foster Homes and that is the end of it. Do you ever think about the children that are so horribly abused that they cannot function in a normal environment? I had not. There are children who are abused physically or sexually over many years by parents or protectors. These children do not understand the idea of "home" as their homes were their torture chambers, not their protected spaces. It is a horrific truth. It humbles me and brings me to tears.

You see, these children need special care. They need intensive therapy. They need reinforcement of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. They need to have gender identity, they need love, they need stability. If you say you will be there - you must be there...for everyone else in their lives let them down. I have decided to be there for as long as it takes.

I have a group of 14 children between the ages of 12 & 17 who have asked for someone to come and talk to them about faith, about God, about love. They needed someone to pray with them and help them understand. I was asked to be that someone. It took me two months to say yes. A large part of that is because of the untimely death of Teri Niles this year. For those of you who know me, you know how painful and significant that passing was to me.

So, in turn - I would like to ask each of you that stop by to read, to say a prayer for me, or send positive thoughts my way when you meditate or have your quiet time. I sure could use the re-enforcement as this is a pretty tough crowd. No more thinking about me....and my disappointments. I am a lucky girl. I have never known true hurt in my life.

Thanks all.

Mellissa

Oh DEAR LORD

I keep having little flashbacks to last night....and shake my head and sigh just the faintest sigh...and smile to myself....

6'4", 260 lbs, legs like tree trunks, blue eyes, extrovert, loving father, mountain, successful, handsome, gentle. I was caught off guard thinking we would be great friends...until he leaned over and kissed me - for three hours....

(((sigh)))

xoxo,
Ladybug

Oh NANCY - PUHLEEZ

Do you all know this woman?? I have kind of a sick relationship going on with Nancy Grace. I happen to catch her on CNN and have a really hard time changing the channel even though I feel pretty nauseous just hearing her voice.

She touts herself as a Childrens' Advocate..but really, she is only advocating herself...and her opinion. It is really odd to watch..and you should hear my impersonation of her...it has gotten pretty good...which is a SAD thing. I think her facial expression over there on the left says it all!

Vanilla

"Is it so bad to be vanilla?", I thought in response to your comment. I miss the vanilla moments in my life.

I miss the comfy white cotton underwear and tee shirt, you know, the kind you wear when life is real and you are not trying to be a hot fudge sundae...you are just natural vanilla in its simplistic beauty.

I miss waking up on a Sunday morning, my face fresh from the shower, no makeup painted on like Neapolitan, strawberry for the lips, chocolate for the eyes...I love the days when my man sees me in my purest...my vanilla face. The real me.

I miss looking up in the middle of the night into eyes that know my soul, and hands that know what I love. Nothing spectacular needed to impress, no inventive flavors, no sprinkles for adornment.....You see, for me, when you truly make love - you just need vanilla. Nothing satisfies your appetite for sweetness quite like it.

Don't get me wrong. I am a master at all the flavors, but somehow, right now in my life I sure would love a little "vanilla".

xoxo,
Bug

What's Up With THAT?

You all know that I just love Williams-Sonoma, love to cook, love to get the catalogue, have All-Clad stainless steel cookware and KNOW how to use it...but I gotta draw the line.

Today as I was thumbing the new arrival...something caught my eye...and you all know how much I love a good rant about a "stupid" thing I see. I think the last time was when Pottery Barn was selling small bags of sand for $8.50..anyway, I digress.

Now, here is the topper. For $49.95 (yes, that is what I meant to type) you can buy a SAUSAGE to serve your guests....(I am quite sure you do not get the cute bayleaf garni shown in photo).

WHAT? Since when do we have to pay $50 for SAUSAGE - and yes, I have to keep capitalizing it - for the impact of how I hear this in my head! O.k. so who cares if it is super duper Italian truffle-fed by Sophia Loren pig, free ranging around the Tuscan countryside. It is still mashed up pig parts stuffed into intestine casing...local markets carry this for $7.99 per pound and I am not even going into the Publix Brand for $5.00 per pack.

I swear - I just gotta go to bed.

P.S. Had a date tonight...was so gonna cancel at the last minute but decided against it. He ended up being nice. But who can think about that when I have all this important rant stuff to talk about.

xoxo,
Bug

Good Evening

Hi there,

Well, as you can see - I am back...it was a nice little break, but now back to blogging as usual!

It is really nice to write again for a smaller readership. On Ladybug, my original Blog, I was getting between 250/300 readers a day. I thought it was a bit too much when you could "Google" Pottery Barn and my site would come up in the first 5 hits...then you know it is time to scale it down a little. I had an amazing year on that Blog. We had the "Cheater Frenchman"...remember him?? Well, girls were also "Googling" his name and guess where they ended up...you got it...so I had lots of emails - all the same line of questioning...I had a lot of laughs just reading and deleting those and thinking "oh, poor girl - you have NO idea what you are getting yourself into." Then there was Footman...yes, a man who happened to notice a picture of me on the Blog with my foot exposed and off he went to pay homage to me on his fetish website...after finding out about the event, I asked him nicely to remove it - and he complied..who would have ever thought!

So you all have been with me through three jobs and two boyfriends, and the suitors that come along from time to time, lots of travel and gossip, the death of one of my readers who became a dearest friend and some serious stuff about my heart and the way I think. For those of you who still follow me and have found the site, thanks for reading along and for laughing with me through the last couple of years.

You will notice that I will re-post many of my Blogs from 2005/2006. None have comments remaining and that is a shame, because I enjoyed those sometimes more than writing!! I erased all the comments when I took down the original Blog.

So, here we go again....let's play!

xoxo,
Ladybug

Jersey Mike's & Cupcakes

I had invited a friend of mine out for brunch for her birthday which was yesterday. She is always complaining about her friends not being interested in her, and that she doesn't have enough of a social life, no man, no family ties, etc. So when I extended the invitation to take her to brunch, she accepted and I thought that was that. I hated to think that she would be alone on her special day.

So I went out and bought her a small gift, wrote a card, baked homemade cupcakes for her. When I caught up with her on IM (our main form of communication) she indicated that she was tired and having a slow morning and so I asked if dinner would be better. After she said yes, I made reservations for dinner at 7:30 p.m. ....she never made it over to my house, she IM'd me after I had left her several IM's saying, is is 6 p.m. ping me when you get in, it is 7:08 p.m. and dinner is at 7:30 p.m., etc. She finally IM'd me that she had fallen asleep and had only woken up 15 minutes prior to seeing my messages....mind you, our dinner was firm and confirmed. I thought she was out for the afternoon maybe doing something productive and fun so not seeing her online did not bother me so much. I just stayed on course to be ready by 7 p.m......

So there I sat, dressed and irritated...so I took myself to Jersey Mike's for a sub and I ate a cupcake for dessert...and to think - my best friend Kerri was having a rough day - and I could have been spending time with her instead.

You see, if you look around and find yourself without friends, without invitations for dinners out, weekends away, people not returning phone calls or emails to you, do the math and rememeber to have a friend, you have to be a friend.

I won't be extending myself to this person anymore. I have true friends to look after.

Working Out, Weinerwhistles & TLC

Well, life is a bit quiet here in Atlanta. I have been spending lots of time alone or with my best girlfriends. I have been trying to workout more (ugh) and get ready for a trip to the beach in a couple of weeks.

When I am not gabbing on the phone or playing with Maggie, I have found myself catching up on t.v. - yes, something that I used to never have on is now a constant companion and my show of choice lately is TLC's "What NOT To Wear"....Maggie is wondering what the constant noise is in the house!!

During said t.v. watching last night, I saw a commercial for Oscar Mayer - they were announcing a new product, one I might add that really baffled me! It was for pre-packaged hotdogs - in the bun...in packs of three. Have we really become so complacent that it is too much effort to buy the hotdogs and the buns and build them ourselves? I was curious about that one, so naturally I went to the Oscar Mayer website (note to how my nutty mind works) to check up on this new product so I could write a rant about it.

What would surprise you is that I found a section on the front of the Oscar Mayer website that says "Learn to Play the Weinerwhistle"....complete with a picture of a weiner-shaped thingy and a blurb that says it is a "full-blown" whistle....I will leave it at that and suffice it to say that someone at that company had a little inside joke going. I laughed to myself the rest of the night.

Man, is my life ever boring right now!!!

xoxo,
Honeybee

Bastille Day

I awoke this morning to a view I will never forget. Marseilles – what an amazing place – what a stunning coastline. We arrived last night well after midnight after taking the TGV from Paris into Marseilles. We have come for the wedding of Olivier and Frederique in Cassis, France. I am thrilled to be here with Steve, who has turned out to be a perfect gentleman and a wonderful friend for the rest of my life. I adore him – the little things that make him unique, and the fact that he takes longer in the bath than I do…so a little patience is needed as I really have to pee!!!!
We will have an easy morning before heading over to pick up our car and drive along the coastline to the neighboring town of Cassi. I can only imagine the beauty this day will hold. I cannot imagine it topping the view from our hotel room this morning. It literally took my breath when I pulled the curtain back.

Travel Journal
Marseilles – July 14, 2006

Diary about a Madman

Today I saw the best-looking man I have ever seen in my life. He looked like Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments. He had beautiful hair and the bluest eyes. They were cobalt.

He was sitting on the corner of the Porte Maillot with some bags at his feet. He was looking at me intently and speaking words I did not understand…words in French.

He was a homeless man, and the corner he sat on was home. As he kept speaking and looking at me, I recognized the look of schizophrenia. He was the most handsome madman in the world.

It made me wonder what his life had been like before the onset….

Travel Journal
Paris – July 13, 2006

That Old Black Magic....

It is really harder to determine which I will remember long after leaving Paris this time – will it be the moon that flirted with me each night, or the lesson in patience and letting people have their time to become comfortable with you.

I am missing writing my thoughts on my blog. More and more each day I think about how much I would like to express something to myself, or think again in a metaphor, but I think it is better this way, to live the life rather than just writing about it all the time or dreaming about it in my head.

We had an amazing dinner on Monday L’Atlier Du Joel Robichon – have to work on the spelling later on, but it was the first time I felt close to Steve tonight and so happy in his company. We had Basil ice cream which was amazing and he well took care of me.

After dinner we rode his bike to the top of Montmartre and looked at the city in the moonlight. That big ol’ full moon casting a glow over my favorite city. I held on tightly as we tore off down the hill for home, laughing over the bumpy cobblestone streets on the way to the Seine. Steve stopped his bike at the Eiffel Tower – 2:00 a.m. and it was sparkling in lights – he said it was France’s way of welcoming be back. Perfect.

Travel Journal
Paris - July 11, 2006

J'Arrive

I arrived in Paris this morning, a bit ahead of schedule. My partner for the flight over was a quiet man who looked a bit like a 18th Century writer. It turns out, that he is an architect, quite renowned for his work – and fresh from consulting on a project in Chile. He teaches in the states as well at such notable universities as Georgia Tech, Harvard and Princeton to name a few. He lives in Paris and is widowed now for 25 years. He has a daughter that attends Vanderbilt in the States and he misses her terribly. As we left the plane, he wished me a wonderful stay in his city and a safe journey back home.

The weather was overcast and it was early, as we arrived around 6:00 a.m. – much too early for the standing in the long line at immigration. I was so pleased to see my friend and collected a hug from him as we made our way along to the parking area and the short ride to have a coffee in the 16th, my favorite of all the Arrondissements. Café crème and a croissant were on order as we caught up with what we had done since we saw each other last in Barcelona. The rain began to fall in a soft pattern along the street as we sat in an open doorway and took in the fragrance. “I am in Paris again”, I thought to myself as I looked into the eyes of my wonderful company.

A five minute drive later brought us to Steve’s apartment in Neuilly Sur Seine and I look up as we passed my friend Frederique’s apartment on the corner of the Port Maillot and I wondered if he was home or traveling again. I thought of his cousin and the last time I was in Paris as a part of this band of family…so funny how a year changes things.

The apartment is beautiful, awash in white with a fireplace in the dining room and a wonderful kitchen, so large for Paris standards. I love it here, especially the large windows that cover the front, affording views of rooftops and trees.

I am off to take a nap and then scoot off for lunch before preparing for the World Cup Final match tonight……I am hoping for a win for France.

Travel Journal - Paris
July 10th

Prickly Pear

I was speaking with my mom on the phone last night, and she told me I was a bit of a "Prickly Pear" sometimes.

Mind you, this is not the first time I have heard her say this to me...but it has been the first time in quite a while. I told her it was just because of XY&Z that I was a stinger right now, and she laughed and told me that I was born with this temperament..... Recounting stories from when I was small - and we both laughed when I told her that either she or my daddy then needed to step up and take some responsibility for this as it must have come from one, the other - or a little in both of them!!

Well, sure enough - I was a prickly pear this morning with SvdB when he called to discuss our trip. I will leave out the details, but suffice it to say - he got a bit of me without my coffee and hung up to remove some of those prickles from his skin.....

So I am now sipping my coffee and feeling bad about snapping at him - I guess I could blame my mom and dad and that recessed Prickly gene that made its way to me!! Ha ha ha...((just kidding - do feel bad about being grouchy))..

You all can tell him that it is the exception - and not the NORM that I am grouchy and a butt o.k.!!

xoxo,
Bug

Isn't It Ironic

I spy in my eye
A wrinkle
A twinkle
A handsome guy

Tick tock
Start stop
Ready not
Writes a lot

I love you
I love you too
No I don't
I said I won't

Click clack
Door crack
Wrote it down
Left from town

Live it out
Live it over
Pen it in
You can't win

I spy in my eye
Likes to hurt
Sometimes curt
Standing in a pig stye

Portrait of A Lady

In quiet reflection she sat that evening and wondered to herself about the events of the past. Funny how past and present still sit as partners in your soul, each one bringing out the sensibility and emotion of the other.

What interesting thoughts swirl inside her mind on these occassions. Each one like a color, memories and life that make a watercolor painting that is abstract and is seen as different things on different days.

Sometimes in the stillness of the evening, she sits alone, but not lonely. You see, she is looking at her painting, the one the memories made and the present frames so beautifully.Life imitates art she has heard - but to her, life is the art in and of itself.

Oh REALLY Now.....

It is 7 a.m. and I am having my morning coffee and surf....I pinged Pascale (for those of you who don't know her.....scroll down some posts) on Yahoo Messenger to have our morning catch up.

This is the excerpt of our conversation:

Bug: Hello
Bug: I loaded Skype again on my computer
Bug: I am thinking of ditching Yahoo
Pascale: I saw it.
Pascale: Don't disturb me reading your blog
Bug: oh REALLY now -
Bug: well there is a first.

So now it is official. My friends don't want to chat with me because they are busy "reading" about me. I wish I were closer so we could just have a coffee - with the computer turned OFF.

xoxo and love you P!!

M

Magnets

I was thinking this afternoon about magnets - or magnetic force. Do you remember when you were a kid and you had two magnets and you would hold them against each other to feel the force of them pushing away - only then to make a minor adjustment, flipping one of the magnets, and viola - they snap together in a tight fit?

I wonder about this in relationships - not just dating relationships, but friendships and family dynamics as well. I used to always feel like the magnet that had to flip over - to remove the force dynamic and make things snap. I realized though, that I am tired of flipping over while the other force stays static.

In dating it is the same way. I was speaking my mind to a friend over dinner the other night, stating a basic principle and I was told that pressure does not work, and that instead, investing in my dating "sales pipeline" was the way to go. The conversation was funny and lighthearted, but got me thinking.

Why should one person have to stifle needs, instincts and desire for closeness to flip into another's field. Is that fair - to be unfulfilled, but silently waiting, playing your cards right and hoping for the other party to flip....

Women go through this all the time and I give you examples:

1. Don't be too eager - check
2. Don't call the man - check
3. Pretend you are busy sometimes - check
4. Don't pull the DTR (define the relationship) card too early - check
5. Don't put pressure or state needs, the man will run - check (oh poor baby)
6. Wait until the man says he only wants to see you exclusively - check.

Well that is a lot of check boxes ladies - and although most are easy if you have any self respect, some are being executed at the expense of your expression, your personality, your wings.

So here is my edict. Six months is long enough. I am not flipping any more. Time to make a choice.

Not hatin' just sayin'

xoxo,
Bug

Reflections of....

Good morning everyone,

I am back home again, feeling great after having slept a full 9 hours in my own bed, with Mag's curled up at my feet and my sheets and my bathroom available for a night trip without running into anything - my mind still remembers the way to the sink in the dark and it is comforting to wake to the sounds of my morning birds!

All I wanted was a Starbucks and and Egg McMuffin for Maggie (yes, I know.....) so we headed out in the car, still half-asleep for our Sunday morning ritual. All was going well until I just nipped that curve oh so slightly - I guess my rhythm was off from not driving for 11 days.....There was a strange sound and I let out a sigh - resigning myself to a lack of coffee and a lesson in trying to figure out the jack on my car......which I was un-successful in attempting.

I was really wanting a man at home at this point - not that I remembered to bring my cell phone along for the "short" trip out I was taking for body fuel.... So I am home again, having driving 1 mile per hour on a flat tire. I still haven't figured out how to change it and as you can tell, I am too tired to deal with it......so I will make a phone call to Roadside Assistance and order myself a man who can get the lug nuts off my wheel and teach me how it is done.

Maggie and I are sitting outside together and I am thinking how much she needs a bath and a haircut as she is beginning to look a bit like George Washington in a powdered wig and smelling a little like a dog, which we both don't care for too much.

My flight yesterday was a long one, just over 9 hours sitting next to a man who drank red wine the entire flight and ended up smelling like a casque. I did my best to ignore him although we were four inches apart. "Don't even think about chatting with me" was my vibe, and for those of you who read me and those of you who know me - know that is a near impossibility for me...as I talk to everyone. But he was not an option.

When I arrived home there was a friendly face to greet me and flowers and a bag of fresh cherries - one of my favorites. I was so happily on my way home after dealing with the location of my bag and the change in temperature outside. I wanted the jeans off and shorts on. I wanted a shower and a big glass of water and my bed. All of which were accomplished in short order.

So more later on the trip and my recollections....right now I have a call to make and a dog to wash.....and I have to go to work today.

xoxo,
Bug

Home

I am getting ready to come home. I am excited to be back in my house, with my things and my routine. I am looking forward to again writing from this spot, with Maggie at my side.

Travel is great - but coming home is always a treat for the soul....."see" you soon.
xoxo,
Bug

Thinking

I keep thinking about you....I find myself fading out a little bit and spending time in reflection of what you were and how you came to be.

I keep praying for you....Even though you no longer need it from me, I am not sure what else to do to remember you.

I am missing you......Even though we never met, you were a part of me and now that is gone.

I am thinking of you....and feeling the loss.

Barcelona - My Birthday

Sometimes pictures are worth a thousand words. We had a wonderful night out for my birthday - celebrating together. They turned out all the lights in the restaurant and brought my cake and everyone sang together. I felt like a princes. It was wonderful!!

Mellissa

For Teri - Rest In Peace

I keep thinking about you....I find myself fading out a little bit and spending time in reflection of what you were and how you came to be.

I keep praying for you....Even though you no longer need it from me, I am not sure what else to do to remember you.

I am missing you......Even though we never met, you were a part of me and now that is gone.

I am thinking of you....
- and feeling the loss.