Oh, and by the way - if you are wondering (or will soon start to wonder) why I am writing such silly stuff as minutes in a day or about my new running shoes, it is because I am trying my best to stay happy in an unhappy time in my life.
Just smile along with me while I pretend that all is well o.k.!!
xoxo,
Bug
Monday, April 30, 2007
Running Away
Spring is my favorite time of year. Our weather in Atlanta is just beautiful lately!! I realize that in life I just have to keep on moving and that means moving towards something sometimes and away others.
So today I just made an investment in my new Asics and they are awesome!! I am going out for 5 miles right now. I swear, I think I can run off this heartache. If the heartache is still there when I am finished, at least my butt will be getting smaller - see every cloud has a silver lining!!
xoxo,
Bug
So today I just made an investment in my new Asics and they are awesome!! I am going out for 5 miles right now. I swear, I think I can run off this heartache. If the heartache is still there when I am finished, at least my butt will be getting smaller - see every cloud has a silver lining!!
xoxo,
Bug
Sunday, April 29, 2007
1440
1440 that is how many minutes there are in a day.
480 that is how many minutes I slept last night.
120 that is how many minutes I spent doing errands.
90 that is how many minutes I spent in exercise.
60 that is how many minutes I spent writing today.
60 that is how many minutes I spent on my pedicure.
30 that is how many minutes I spent watching tv.
90 that is how many minutes I spent talking with my mother.
510 that is how many minutes are left to get through the rest of today.
When you miss someone 1440 minutes is a challenge.
YIPEE!!
Since I wrote my post a few weeks ago "Getting Mad" , I have really been working hard. In the past few weeks I have been dancing, walking about 15 miles per week, and weight training three days a week with Bernard for an hour each time, followed by 30 minutes on the Precor.
I took my measurements and wrote them down on my calendar and told myself that at the end of the month I would measure myself again, and use that figure to guage my progress. I did my measurements again this morning and am pretty happy with the results!! I have lost 2 inches in my waist, 2 inches in my chest and 1/2 inch off each of my thighs. Using that reference point against the scale, I figure I have added about 2 lbs. of muscle weight. I also realize that I am losing fat around my upper body first.
It was really nice to have something to smile about this morning. I really needed that!! My goal is to be two sizes smaller by the Summer. I am well on my way!!
YIPEE!!
Bug
I took my measurements and wrote them down on my calendar and told myself that at the end of the month I would measure myself again, and use that figure to guage my progress. I did my measurements again this morning and am pretty happy with the results!! I have lost 2 inches in my waist, 2 inches in my chest and 1/2 inch off each of my thighs. Using that reference point against the scale, I figure I have added about 2 lbs. of muscle weight. I also realize that I am losing fat around my upper body first.
It was really nice to have something to smile about this morning. I really needed that!! My goal is to be two sizes smaller by the Summer. I am well on my way!!
YIPEE!!
Bug
Saturday, April 28, 2007
How? (Original Post ERASED)
Oh, my!! I can't believe I wrote that (to those of you who saw the original post before I erased it all and started typing this in its place). Some people drunk dial - I drunk Blog I guess huh!!
It is 9:22 a.m. on Sunday morning and I am starting my second cup of coffee - anyone got any Tylenol????
Ha ha!!
It is 9:22 a.m. on Sunday morning and I am starting my second cup of coffee - anyone got any Tylenol????
Ha ha!!
(((SIGH)))
Looking over my shoulder one last time. Looking your way and remembering the last day I spent with you. Thank you for the wonderful memories. I know you understand the rest and the depths of it.
"For one human being to love another:
that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks;
the ultimate, the last test and proof,
the work for which all other work is but preparation."
Rainer Maria Rilke
Friday, April 27, 2007
Each Page A Treasure To Me
Sitting at my desk...Maggie is just to the right of my laptop laying on the desktop!
I have finally picked my manuscript up again after registering for my Creative Writing and Publishing class at Emory University. I am thoroughly enjoying the class and the writing exercises we perform each week during the class session. Sometimes our professor will merely give us a sentence and ask us to write a narrative in ten minutes. I get really excited and start immediately, tearing into my paper with streams of black ink. I really love creating and finding my voice in my writing.
I finished Chapter 2 this morning and will spend part of my afternoon on character development. I have some thoughts to scribble down about each of the characters in my book and I want to write a narrative for myself about them, to help me get to know them a little better. I want to know how they sound, what motivates them and to define ultimately how they will affect the plot in my book. I am hopeful that I will get some new insight when I begin to focus and imagine them a bit more aside from my protagonist.
I am also incorporating my Blog writings into the book as part of the protagonists "journal". It is wonderful for me to read back on some of my posts, especially about Paris - where the book is set.
I must tell you that I am really beginning to enjoy my time off, and the creative process that is happening with me.
I wish you all a great weekend ahead!
Mellissa
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
In Vino Veritas
We have all heard the expression "In Vino Veritas" translation In Wine Is Truth. I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week in regard to a social situation and I want to get your opinion on the scenario below.
You go into a nice restaurant with a group of people. You order dinner and a couple of bottles of good wine (these folks only drink the good stuff). At the end of the meal you are presented the check and you pay the bill without looking at it. After leaving the restaurant and looking at the receipt, you notice that the waiter has not charged your bill for one of the bottles of wine.
I was asked the question (and this is a real scenario mind you) of what would I have done. Would I contact the restaurant and notify them of the error, or would I be silent and have the attitude "not my problem, I paid what I was asked to pay".
I said that I would contact the restaurant where I am a frequent diner and tell them that they inadvertantly left one of the bottles of wine off the check. I personally think this is a matter of good breeding and honesty, and elegance of character. I would hate to think that the waiter had to absorb the cost of the wine when I could well afford to pay for the choice I made, when he/she perhaps could not. It would bother my conscience to think I had shorted someone if I was aware of the mistake.
What would you do:
1. Contact the restaurant and let them know.
2. Ignore it - after all it is their mistake.
Thanks!
M
You go into a nice restaurant with a group of people. You order dinner and a couple of bottles of good wine (these folks only drink the good stuff). At the end of the meal you are presented the check and you pay the bill without looking at it. After leaving the restaurant and looking at the receipt, you notice that the waiter has not charged your bill for one of the bottles of wine.
I was asked the question (and this is a real scenario mind you) of what would I have done. Would I contact the restaurant and notify them of the error, or would I be silent and have the attitude "not my problem, I paid what I was asked to pay".
I said that I would contact the restaurant where I am a frequent diner and tell them that they inadvertantly left one of the bottles of wine off the check. I personally think this is a matter of good breeding and honesty, and elegance of character. I would hate to think that the waiter had to absorb the cost of the wine when I could well afford to pay for the choice I made, when he/she perhaps could not. It would bother my conscience to think I had shorted someone if I was aware of the mistake.
What would you do:
1. Contact the restaurant and let them know.
2. Ignore it - after all it is their mistake.
Thanks!
M
My Voice, My Life
In catching up on reading my favorite blogs this morning, and visiting some new blogs for the first time, I discovered that someone copied language from two of my posts on their site - without attributing them to me, the author.
I am sure you can imagine that I am quite upset by this as I believe our Blogs are the expression of our innermost. Whether silly posts, or posts about our day, our thoughts, our friends and family, the words are the essence of who WE are.
Each time I write something, it is special to me, a part of my creative voice. To see that taken is not a good feeling. I wish I could understand this a little better right now. I think I am especially upset because this person is an published author and someone who I think would know how precious the created word is; how intricately personal.
I think this person is probably a very nice lady, and meant nothing bad of it. But I think an apology is in order, and thus also the removal of my words from their blog.
Mellissa
I am sure you can imagine that I am quite upset by this as I believe our Blogs are the expression of our innermost. Whether silly posts, or posts about our day, our thoughts, our friends and family, the words are the essence of who WE are.
Each time I write something, it is special to me, a part of my creative voice. To see that taken is not a good feeling. I wish I could understand this a little better right now. I think I am especially upset because this person is an published author and someone who I think would know how precious the created word is; how intricately personal.
I think this person is probably a very nice lady, and meant nothing bad of it. But I think an apology is in order, and thus also the removal of my words from their blog.
Mellissa
Monday, April 23, 2007
Child Beauty Pageants
I was watching a series on PBS about Child Pageants this weekend. It is not the first time I have seen this type of show and it has really been on my mind since watching it again.
I wonder how you all feel about them? Do you think they help children overcome shyness and make friends as is the "rigeur" statement by Pageant Moms, or do you feel they are too competitive and exploitative of the children.
In watching the series, I did notice one interesting thing. Most of the mothers were really out of shape, gave little thought to their appearance and seemed to be living vicariously through the child. The children seemed robotic and not really sure of why they were making their signature moves, they were just doing as they were taught. I really saw none of the childlike expressions of joy or silliness. It was like watching little plastic robots.
I must tell you that I thought a couple of things in watching along. The first is I wonder why the mother's don't put more care into the way they take care of themselves as a model for the child to learn by first. The second is that a lot of the families showcased did not seem to have the disposable income to feed this lifestyle. What about putting that money earned from the mom having a second job into a college fund instead of a pageant entry? Would this not go further in life if you really were focused on giving your child a better shot in society? It was said that the children learn social skills and how to be in the public eye by doing this. Does a three year old really understand that, or do they just understand that they don't get a sparkly crown like the other girl and mommy looks mad.
When I was a toddler, I had a Miss America bathing suit and I loved it with the cute little banner running across the front. My dad used to put me on the dining room table and get me to recite the pledge of allegiance and sing songs. My dad was so proud at how smart I was at such a young age. It was not about my appearance, it was about the pride of my learning. The audience was not competitive, it was family. I was not pretending to be an adult, I was a child who liked to talk (still do) and sing songs and dance.
I do understand the need to socialize children, to make them feel special and proud. I just wonder if that is the best way to go about it. What do you all think about this? I am very curious to know.
Is it fun or exploitation??
xoxo,
Bug
Dang It!
In an attempt to be "modern" and balanced in my approach to dating, I decided to rejoin match.com on Saturday. Whizz, bang here we go again I thought to myself. The men in the collage above have all asked me out for a date. Look at them, handsome and seemingly very nice, accomplished men with lots to offer. Here is me, not answering any of them and thinking "Dang it" I should be off and running and being the Bachelorette here in Atlanta.Do you think I am up for any of this? NO, I really am not and that bugs the crap out of me. You see, there is a man in Tennessee that I want to stand still with, to date, to have a relationship with, to take time to get to know. I feel that if I date other men right now, I will somehow ruin that relationship and that he will hold it against me. He isn't really ready for more with me right now and I am trying to respect that and keep on going so I don't put all my eggs in that one basket - but I really like that one basket!!
So, what do you all think? Do I go for it and start dating, or do I just hang for a while and keep on hoping....
Love,
The Bachelorette ;-)
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Spring
I believe the last of the in and out cold weather has been felt and the days ahead will hold nothing but warm, welcoming days!
Maggie and I just returned home from the last of today's workout sessions, a great 1.5 mile walk around Historic Brookhaven. I started this morning at the gym with Bernard (the sadist) warming up with a 1/2 mile walk then on to tons of push ups, sit ups, tricep and bicep work, shoulders and boxing. The boxing part was great and I pack a pretty mean punch compared to Lynn who was working out with me. Then I hit the Precor for 30 minutes of fat burning range cardio before stumbling out of the gym in search of a protein shake and a chair ;-) I am really trying to burn away that last 10 pounds that has taken up residence in my stomach and butt and trust me, I will fin the fight!
My lower back is so much better just since I started dancing again - it is amazing! I had a great 90 minute neuro-muscular massage with lots of table stretching by yet another sadist - Renard. he is amazing and works on the Falcons sports team. Needless to say the man has some moves that will bring you up off the table with an "ouch" but he wont stop until that muscle band lets go and you end up feeling completely relaxed and without any tension.
I am beginning to wonder if I really need to take three months away from work. I am feeling the need to produce something, but I will make myself take this time for me and really work on the things I love and the things that need improvement. I have a goal to attain before my 39th birthday, which is where the three months came into play.
As I was walking tonight I was trying to clear out a few lingering cobwebs from my mind in preparation for my Tuesday's with David, which will actually be Wednesday this week. I want to make some resolutions about things and move forward. Understanding "why" in life is a difficult thing, as is realizing that sometimes you just have to let go of the rope and fall.
I did a lot of Dr. appointments in the last couple of weeks, things I had been putting off in lieu of work and being away from home a lot last year. Skin is good, Cholesterol is great, no communicable diseases of any kind, good boobs and no tumors to be "checked out" this time, teeth are clean and sparkly with no cavities, eyes see just fine, thyroid levels are finally in balance and discussions about life change are well underway and understood.
I guess all in all it has been a productive and enlightening few weeks. I am glad I took the time to take care of myself. The benefits are already being felt.
I hope you all are well and happy where life finds you tonight!
xoxo,
Bug
Maggie and I just returned home from the last of today's workout sessions, a great 1.5 mile walk around Historic Brookhaven. I started this morning at the gym with Bernard (the sadist) warming up with a 1/2 mile walk then on to tons of push ups, sit ups, tricep and bicep work, shoulders and boxing. The boxing part was great and I pack a pretty mean punch compared to Lynn who was working out with me. Then I hit the Precor for 30 minutes of fat burning range cardio before stumbling out of the gym in search of a protein shake and a chair ;-) I am really trying to burn away that last 10 pounds that has taken up residence in my stomach and butt and trust me, I will fin the fight!
My lower back is so much better just since I started dancing again - it is amazing! I had a great 90 minute neuro-muscular massage with lots of table stretching by yet another sadist - Renard. he is amazing and works on the Falcons sports team. Needless to say the man has some moves that will bring you up off the table with an "ouch" but he wont stop until that muscle band lets go and you end up feeling completely relaxed and without any tension.
I am beginning to wonder if I really need to take three months away from work. I am feeling the need to produce something, but I will make myself take this time for me and really work on the things I love and the things that need improvement. I have a goal to attain before my 39th birthday, which is where the three months came into play.
As I was walking tonight I was trying to clear out a few lingering cobwebs from my mind in preparation for my Tuesday's with David, which will actually be Wednesday this week. I want to make some resolutions about things and move forward. Understanding "why" in life is a difficult thing, as is realizing that sometimes you just have to let go of the rope and fall.
I did a lot of Dr. appointments in the last couple of weeks, things I had been putting off in lieu of work and being away from home a lot last year. Skin is good, Cholesterol is great, no communicable diseases of any kind, good boobs and no tumors to be "checked out" this time, teeth are clean and sparkly with no cavities, eyes see just fine, thyroid levels are finally in balance and discussions about life change are well underway and understood.
I guess all in all it has been a productive and enlightening few weeks. I am glad I took the time to take care of myself. The benefits are already being felt.
I hope you all are well and happy where life finds you tonight!
xoxo,
Bug
Options
In this day and age of Internet dating and all things relationally modern, it is very commonplace for folks to want to keep their options open. People meet, they click, but one invariably can't make a decision about anything and keeps their profile up just in case something better comes along or there is an email sent.
That is called "keeping your options open." I forgot - that I can do that too!! Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their "option".
xoox,
Bug
That is called "keeping your options open." I forgot - that I can do that too!! Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their "option".
xoox,
Bug
Friday, April 20, 2007
Out Came The Sun
My morning started kind of gloomy. I wrote a lot of things that I erased, I played with Maggie out in the yard and caught up on my correspondence via email and cards I needed to write. I paid my bills and sat in silence, pondering and wondering and planning. I talked with my friend Steve in Paris, seeking some advice on how men think vs. how women think. I reminded myself to eat breakfast and drank too much coffee. I prayed for my girlfriend Liz who had a big test today for her licensure in Georgia (she is a therapist), and I emailed her again, just to let her know I was with her today in my thoughts. I joked around on Yahoo with Kerri about her new man and the fact that she is wearing the necklace and ring I bought for her in France at Christmas time. I emailed with Pascale about Grey's Anatomy and the fact that she would rather be watching that on iTunes than being with her company (she is addicted).
I thought about the plans for tonight to go to Fado's to celebrate Elissa's birthday and if I was up for joining for a Friday night out and if I would accept the plans for Saturday night dinner and a movie with the girls. I showered and stretched and got ready to meet Bernard for my 11:30 a.m. workout session. I dreaded it a little, not feeling very energetic and upbeat. I made it through the workout - Giant Set legs (I am shaky in my legs now and dreading what my butt will feel like tomorrow). I am reminding myself right now to go eat lunch. I am supposed to have lunch tomorrow with Vladimir and I have to email him to confirm. I need to do laundry and clean up my house cause it looks like a bomb went off in the living room. I have a fundraising dinner to attend on Sunday and I need to go verify what time it starts so I can keep a mental note for Sunday to not forget.
My life is just rolling along and I am rolling with it. Another day in the life - and as I started to write again...out came the sun. It is a good sign!
xoxo,
Mel
I thought about the plans for tonight to go to Fado's to celebrate Elissa's birthday and if I was up for joining for a Friday night out and if I would accept the plans for Saturday night dinner and a movie with the girls. I showered and stretched and got ready to meet Bernard for my 11:30 a.m. workout session. I dreaded it a little, not feeling very energetic and upbeat. I made it through the workout - Giant Set legs (I am shaky in my legs now and dreading what my butt will feel like tomorrow). I am reminding myself right now to go eat lunch. I am supposed to have lunch tomorrow with Vladimir and I have to email him to confirm. I need to do laundry and clean up my house cause it looks like a bomb went off in the living room. I have a fundraising dinner to attend on Sunday and I need to go verify what time it starts so I can keep a mental note for Sunday to not forget.
My life is just rolling along and I am rolling with it. Another day in the life - and as I started to write again...out came the sun. It is a good sign!
xoxo,
Mel
Kissing Styles
Last night I was spending a little time with my girls. Dinner at Angie's house is always a treat because she is a great Cajun cook!
After dinner we were digesting over a glass of Chardonnay and listening to Kerri gush over her new man Scott - or "ScO" as she refers to him. I told her I had to excuse myself to go throw up after a while - all in good fun, mind you.
Somehow we got on the subject of lights on or off - kissing and other nonsense. The kissing part had us rolling. Kerri hates the chicken pecker kisser, Angie hates the sloppy kisser, and I hate the "are you in or out" kisser. I am sure you are familiar with all of those types, and the complete NECESSITY of being with a great kisser.
We also discussed how meeting the great kisser can lead to trouble in short order. The so-so kisser keeps you thinking about whether you are up for training and more dinners. The great kisser keeps you thinking about not kissing for too long and reminds you that there must be a nerve that runs from your bottom lip all the way to Mexico!!
Our question was - Are great kissers born or made? Can you teach a bad kisser to change their ways - can you lead by example or just ditch and run. I think the latter. If you have a bad kisser on your hands, you might as well just hit the road because like finger prints, they are what they are and they are not gonna change.
And then we moved on to discuss world politics ;-)
xoxo,
Bug
After dinner we were digesting over a glass of Chardonnay and listening to Kerri gush over her new man Scott - or "ScO" as she refers to him. I told her I had to excuse myself to go throw up after a while - all in good fun, mind you.
Somehow we got on the subject of lights on or off - kissing and other nonsense. The kissing part had us rolling. Kerri hates the chicken pecker kisser, Angie hates the sloppy kisser, and I hate the "are you in or out" kisser. I am sure you are familiar with all of those types, and the complete NECESSITY of being with a great kisser.
We also discussed how meeting the great kisser can lead to trouble in short order. The so-so kisser keeps you thinking about whether you are up for training and more dinners. The great kisser keeps you thinking about not kissing for too long and reminds you that there must be a nerve that runs from your bottom lip all the way to Mexico!!
Our question was - Are great kissers born or made? Can you teach a bad kisser to change their ways - can you lead by example or just ditch and run. I think the latter. If you have a bad kisser on your hands, you might as well just hit the road because like finger prints, they are what they are and they are not gonna change.
And then we moved on to discuss world politics ;-)
xoxo,
Bug
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Moles, Thong, Botox
This morning had an early start with me jumping out of bed to make my 7:00 a.m. Dermatology appointment. Mole check time. Growing up in South Florida means that I pay close attention to my skin now as both my Dad and my Brother have had some skin cancers removed already. I have been lucky but I am cautious.So up out of the bed, dressed in all black (easy matching), grabbed a cup of coffee and off I went, not giving much thought to what I looked like, other than making sure my face was prepped and moisturized. My Dermo is a pro and pretty harsh on bad skin care. He is like 65 but looks around 40, muscular and a power lifter - pretty funny stuff.
So with my copy of Vogue in hand I settled into the room to wait and then I noticed what I had forgotten to think about. The short paper gown. Not the full length one, the one that only covers your boobs. "Oh, no" I thought...I had forgotten to put on my "drawers" and was wearing my oh so cute black thong panties with the pink lace trim. TMI I thought for ol' Dr. Wiegand. Too late to fix it or do anything else I got up on the table, shivering with no secrets left.
In he came with a swift greeting and his welder hat on, ready for action. You can imagine my shock and horror when after checking all exposed skin he went to have a look south of the equator. "Whoa," I said to him. "Um, the sun never shines there!" and then I got the talk about how now in the age of tanning bed tans, people go completely nude in there and indeed, get "sun" damage on their unmentionables so it is now routine to check it ALL out. And here I was worried about my exposed hiney the whole time..lol.
After doing an examination on my face and getting a compliment on my skin condition he sat back in the chair to talk to me, while I laid on the table, fully ensconsed in paper. "Have you thought about Botox Mellissa?" HUH? NO, not really.... "Looks like it is time to start thinking about preventing some of the wrinkling you have around your eyes and your forehead. I would recommend 7 units for you, 5 on the forehead and one on each corner of your eye." Good grief, thanks a lot. Nekkid and old I sat there thinking about botulism injections, wrinkles and sun damage on my va-jay-jay.
Not the greatest morning of my life. And NO, I did not opt for the Botox. I kind of like my crows feet and ability to give a wicked dirty look.
xoox,
Bug
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Write About Your Earliest Childhood Memory
I hated putting them on. I remember wiggling around and curling up my toes, my back in a full arch and fighting. I must have been about 2 years old. I had blond hair and brown eyes and was a real handfull. I am really not sure to this day how my mother managed me.
Each winter brought the same ritual, the first I remember of it was on Vine Street where we lived next to my Grandmother and Aunts, all in a row. Bedtime rituals were the same each night. We would walk to Maw maw and Paw paws house and say goodnight and get hugs and then it was bath time. I always had a doll in bath with me and insisted on Mr. Bubbles in the tub. I always had my mother there with me, singing to me through the bath and washing my fine strands of hair with Johnson's Baby Shampoo. She rinsed it with a red plastic cup while holding a washcloth over my eyes because I was scared of getting water in them.
It was bliss while getting hugged and dried off and having my hair combed....then it was the moment of torture. Little pinky panties on and hair braided I would watch her go to the top drawer to collect the enemy. The chase was on and the writhing little greased pig would go into action. At all costs I was going to delay the imprisonment of....FEETY PAJYMAS.
I know it was just to keep me warm at night, but I can tell you one thing. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mom, there will be NO feety pj's at my house. Socks maybe, but you gotta make a stand in life somewhere.
xoox,
Bug
Each winter brought the same ritual, the first I remember of it was on Vine Street where we lived next to my Grandmother and Aunts, all in a row. Bedtime rituals were the same each night. We would walk to Maw maw and Paw paws house and say goodnight and get hugs and then it was bath time. I always had a doll in bath with me and insisted on Mr. Bubbles in the tub. I always had my mother there with me, singing to me through the bath and washing my fine strands of hair with Johnson's Baby Shampoo. She rinsed it with a red plastic cup while holding a washcloth over my eyes because I was scared of getting water in them.
It was bliss while getting hugged and dried off and having my hair combed....then it was the moment of torture. Little pinky panties on and hair braided I would watch her go to the top drawer to collect the enemy. The chase was on and the writhing little greased pig would go into action. At all costs I was going to delay the imprisonment of....FEETY PAJYMAS.
I know it was just to keep me warm at night, but I can tell you one thing. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mom, there will be NO feety pj's at my house. Socks maybe, but you gotta make a stand in life somewhere.
xoox,
Bug
Write It Down, He Said
We sat, we talked a while and I was doing just fine. We talked about "him", about me, about life, about Kerri. He asked me "why" and "how does that make you feel" a couple of times. I answered and held it together nicely. This was a good day. Not one tear fell....until he asked me about my past and how it tied into today. The Lightbulb moment happened and my hand went over my mouth. The answer was right there. So plain that it shocked me. Truth time.
The fissure turned into a full blown fault-line and the aftershocks were rippling through me. "I am afraid to voice my need and ask for what I want because the last time I did that, my ex-husband ended our marriage." That was it. Now I am afraid to ask, to define relationships, to push people for answers. What if they reject me and I have to go back to square one again? I hate square one so I stay kind of quiet and just wait.
"Is waiting and silencing yourself really being true to you?" he asked. Obvious answer. No. "Does it surprise you that you love 'him'?" he asked next. "Yes, it really does. It bothers me." This was followed by more of the why questions until I said it. "Because he won't love me back." So there was the crux of it. Right out front and center. For some reason, I give my love to those who don't want it or I think won't return it. No man has ever loved me in my life, except for my dad. That is how I feel. I sat and I sobbed at the thought of that, and how I long just to be loved. It is so simple in theory, but so hard in life to find this.
So we continued on and back to me and what I was doing to make my life better - for me. Well, I am dancing again, I have hired a personal trainer for three days a week, I am learning the guitar and making social plans with my friends. "What about your writing?" followed. I paused on that one because other than the blog I keep it to myself.
The time ended today with more homework, this time - just the simple sentence.. "Write it down....and get it out". So I stood and thanked him for his time and quidance and I headed out into the sunlight and to register for a Creative Writing class at Emory University. Tonight at 7:00 p.m. I will begin to follow another dream....to write professionally. It is something that I love, and something that loves me. Not too shabby I think.
xoxo,
Bug
The fissure turned into a full blown fault-line and the aftershocks were rippling through me. "I am afraid to voice my need and ask for what I want because the last time I did that, my ex-husband ended our marriage." That was it. Now I am afraid to ask, to define relationships, to push people for answers. What if they reject me and I have to go back to square one again? I hate square one so I stay kind of quiet and just wait.
"Is waiting and silencing yourself really being true to you?" he asked. Obvious answer. No. "Does it surprise you that you love 'him'?" he asked next. "Yes, it really does. It bothers me." This was followed by more of the why questions until I said it. "Because he won't love me back." So there was the crux of it. Right out front and center. For some reason, I give my love to those who don't want it or I think won't return it. No man has ever loved me in my life, except for my dad. That is how I feel. I sat and I sobbed at the thought of that, and how I long just to be loved. It is so simple in theory, but so hard in life to find this.
So we continued on and back to me and what I was doing to make my life better - for me. Well, I am dancing again, I have hired a personal trainer for three days a week, I am learning the guitar and making social plans with my friends. "What about your writing?" followed. I paused on that one because other than the blog I keep it to myself.
The time ended today with more homework, this time - just the simple sentence.. "Write it down....and get it out". So I stood and thanked him for his time and quidance and I headed out into the sunlight and to register for a Creative Writing class at Emory University. Tonight at 7:00 p.m. I will begin to follow another dream....to write professionally. It is something that I love, and something that loves me. Not too shabby I think.
xoxo,
Bug
Monday, April 16, 2007
Getting in the Dirt
We would go out there for hours and sweat in the late afternoon sun, laughing and busting on each other and lingering over what we had made until the sun went down, appreciating our handiwork in stages, each day watching it grow to completion. We would head in the house for a quick cool shower and some supper and then fall into bed tired and satisfied with ourselves and planning on what to do the next day. I love times like that. It is what makes life sweet.
It was so much fun to make his back patio and flower beds look beautiful. I was so happy to see him smiling and appreciating the way it all came together. I think it is important to make a house a home, and nothing gives more satisfaction than stepping outside to a beautifully landscaped area. Greg has this now, and I hope something to think of me by each time he steps out his back door.
Oh, and for the ladies - It sure was a motivator to work in the yard when this is part of the view ;-) (((((sigh)))))) Can ya'll say GOODNESS GRACIOUS....yeah, thought you could!!
Easter In Jackson
I just returned home from Jackson this afternoon. Life slowed a bit and I wanted to feel every minute of my special time there. Simple times are really the best thing in life, especially when they are spent with someone special.
Cooking a simple meal, a drive to Graceland where ink remains as a testament to my memory, a cold walk along the muddy Mississippi and the first time you reached for my hand are the things I will remember most about this Easter.
I cannot express in words more than this right now. I just know that I was right where I wanted to be and contentment was all around me.
Mellissa
Cooking a simple meal, a drive to Graceland where ink remains as a testament to my memory, a cold walk along the muddy Mississippi and the first time you reached for my hand are the things I will remember most about this Easter.
I cannot express in words more than this right now. I just know that I was right where I wanted to be and contentment was all around me.
Mellissa
Foot Off The Gas...
This afternoon I just decided to take my foot off the gas pedal. While I am not pushing down on the brake pedal just yet, I am not accelerating any more.It is hard to put the lessons I am learning into action. I know that is the hardest part of the equation "When you KNOW better, you DO better. I guess I know, now I just have to do it. I knew that would be a toughy, and trust me it is.
I did try though, I tried to ask and it wasn't easy for me to do it. But I did and it was kind of like I thought it would be. I don't know what things mean anymore and I am really not going to guess, but I am learning about life right now and that others have a say in things so I must look after myself and have a say too.
So I say foot off, and coast on into the rest area and enjoy the view and if someone else enjoys the sight of me standing there, they can coast on in next to me - and stand still for a while.
NBG
I remember being in Paris last December. I had been out Christmas shopping at a local artisan show in Neuilly. It was so cold that afternoon and the onset of a very fine mist of rain covered everything in a golden, hazy glow.
With my treasures carefully packaged and tucked away in my carry satchel, I began walking along the quiet backstreets of Paris, just trying to be in the moment. As I turned the corner, the Arc De Truimph came into view, magnificant and awe inspiring. At that moment I felt lonely, and pondered on why I always experience the beauty of life alone.
A moment later, my mobile phone rang and I smiled. The caller ID showed your name as I had entered it in those early days, "NBG". You were driving through Atlanta, only some five miles from my house. At that moment I wished, more than anything, that I was back in Atlanta. Paris held no comparison to the thought of the nearness of you. "Bad timing", I thought to myself.
A mere week later we met and you were just as I imagined. Quiet, a little nervous and unsure about me and who I was. That first night together was a special one, as were the days and nights that followed. We made a pact that went un-heeded and I never regretted it for a moment. Some things are meant to be broken.
Now here I am, almost six months later. I am alone again, and far away from you. Although there is not an ocean separating us, it is of no matter. You see, miles carry distance and so does the heart; both can be given credit in life for "bad timing" and neither can be changed, it seems.
One form of distance I can change, the other is not within my power. What a sad truth.
With my treasures carefully packaged and tucked away in my carry satchel, I began walking along the quiet backstreets of Paris, just trying to be in the moment. As I turned the corner, the Arc De Truimph came into view, magnificant and awe inspiring. At that moment I felt lonely, and pondered on why I always experience the beauty of life alone.
A moment later, my mobile phone rang and I smiled. The caller ID showed your name as I had entered it in those early days, "NBG". You were driving through Atlanta, only some five miles from my house. At that moment I wished, more than anything, that I was back in Atlanta. Paris held no comparison to the thought of the nearness of you. "Bad timing", I thought to myself.
A mere week later we met and you were just as I imagined. Quiet, a little nervous and unsure about me and who I was. That first night together was a special one, as were the days and nights that followed. We made a pact that went un-heeded and I never regretted it for a moment. Some things are meant to be broken.
Now here I am, almost six months later. I am alone again, and far away from you. Although there is not an ocean separating us, it is of no matter. You see, miles carry distance and so does the heart; both can be given credit in life for "bad timing" and neither can be changed, it seems.
One form of distance I can change, the other is not within my power. What a sad truth.
"I Think About You All The Time Too"
It was just one line in a string of communication. Eight words lightened my load and made the day complete.
I was to be off to Savannah, escaping to something different than the walls that have held me all week, but my car had something else in mind. Check Engine Soon. So out of the car Maggie and I got and on the phone with Nally BMW. Tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. we will have a check up.
Instead of moss covered oaks and quaint squares, I will sit in the dealership. Instead of a trip to The Lady & Son's, I will browse around the car lot and scheme a little on the X5. I take it all in stride as Savannah, Georgia was my second preference on location anyway. I had dreamed a little of another Savannah...one to the northwest of Atlanta instead of the southeast.
The Hamilton Turner Inn will just have to wait for me for another weekend. Perhaps in Spring I will visit those squares and walk the streets and eat praline pecans fresh from the candy shop I love. Perhaps a friend born in the other Savannah will go with me and take photographs along side me. That would be nice, and of course I will beat him in any contest we engage in....
So tomorrow it is off to buy a guitar and begin the process of scheduling lessons. Life is made to work on your dreams and goals, and that is one of mine. I think I am going to use that as my next avenue of writing and see what happens there.
Someone from American Greetings has been logging on to read my Blog lately, and I laugh a little, hoping that you are not using any of my piney posts for romantic card inspirations ;-) Lord knows there is enough sappy writings in my archives to fill a portfolio of love lost and hope cards!!
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend ahead - filled with all the things you dream about, or are lucky enough to have in front of you.
Love,
Ladybug
When You KNOW Better
In life, one of the hardest things to do is humble yourself and admit when you have misunderstood or been one sided.
In my life I pride myself the most on my character and my value system. It is the core of who I am. I wish I could explain it in more articulate strains, but suffice it to say that it is etched into every fiber of my being and my DNA is linked to be honorable no matter what the cost to me personally.
To that end, I try to not deceive people or to hurt them. Someone asked me the other day to explain the Golden Rule, which we all know is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I feel like my whole life has been about doing unto others and hoping the same would be returned. You know what? Life isn't really like that - if it was, I would be understood and comforted and loved without question, because I really do try to do well unto others in my life.
However, I have hurt another recently in battle and although the situation is one of great pain and confusion, I had no right to say the things I did or fight at the level I went to. When I discovered the truth behind the way the other person thought today, I had to humble myself and all my pride and my feelings to contact them and say that I had not considered their feelings, not for one moment had I been able to fathom the thought process as men and women think so differently on things. If you knew the details of my situation, you would know the tremendous sacrifice it was for me, the tremendous sense of loss and sorrow - the ultimate attempt at living the Golden Rule and speaking the truth. I was sincere and my heart let go of a lot of pain in the understanding I gained.
I do believe that when you know better, you do better. Today I know better and I stood up and said so. I still hope, but at least I know I wont repeat the same mistakes again.
I hope you are all well, and that you give someone love today and tomorrow...we are so deficient in love these days. I truly in my heart believe that love is the answer and the greatest healer, I can't wait to teach these lessons to our son Evan. I want him to be very proud of his mother. I want to have dignity prevail in my life.
I just want to love....and be loved in return, what a blessing that will be one day!
And to you NBG, thank you for listening and seeing a bit into my DNA today...
Goodnight,
Mellissa
In my life I pride myself the most on my character and my value system. It is the core of who I am. I wish I could explain it in more articulate strains, but suffice it to say that it is etched into every fiber of my being and my DNA is linked to be honorable no matter what the cost to me personally.
To that end, I try to not deceive people or to hurt them. Someone asked me the other day to explain the Golden Rule, which we all know is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I feel like my whole life has been about doing unto others and hoping the same would be returned. You know what? Life isn't really like that - if it was, I would be understood and comforted and loved without question, because I really do try to do well unto others in my life.
However, I have hurt another recently in battle and although the situation is one of great pain and confusion, I had no right to say the things I did or fight at the level I went to. When I discovered the truth behind the way the other person thought today, I had to humble myself and all my pride and my feelings to contact them and say that I had not considered their feelings, not for one moment had I been able to fathom the thought process as men and women think so differently on things. If you knew the details of my situation, you would know the tremendous sacrifice it was for me, the tremendous sense of loss and sorrow - the ultimate attempt at living the Golden Rule and speaking the truth. I was sincere and my heart let go of a lot of pain in the understanding I gained.
I do believe that when you know better, you do better. Today I know better and I stood up and said so. I still hope, but at least I know I wont repeat the same mistakes again.
I hope you are all well, and that you give someone love today and tomorrow...we are so deficient in love these days. I truly in my heart believe that love is the answer and the greatest healer, I can't wait to teach these lessons to our son Evan. I want him to be very proud of his mother. I want to have dignity prevail in my life.
I just want to love....and be loved in return, what a blessing that will be one day!
And to you NBG, thank you for listening and seeing a bit into my DNA today...
Goodnight,
Mellissa
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Honesty
I am sitting her tonight totally frustrated. I feel like throwing something and I would do it if I didn't have to clean up the mess afterwards.
A couple of weeks ago I threw my Blackberry across the house and the release felt great till I realized that I might have broken it - although I hate that phone it managed to still work just fine when I put it back together. I laughed at myself and Maggie just stared at me like I had lost my mind.
It is hard to be frustrated with no outlet. I wish I had a punching bag installed in the house cause right now I would go over and beat the hell out of it. I feel to measured and too careful and it is not natural. I don't know what to do about it and will talk to David on Tuesday about how I feel. Is it obvious that I just need to cut and run or am I within an unrealistic timeframe to expect something more? Because I do expect something more...in a lot of areas.
Since there are no good answers for me right now, I think I will just go to bed and hope I don't have that stupid blind girl dream again. Oh, and I might beat the hell out of my pillow just for good measure.
A couple of weeks ago I threw my Blackberry across the house and the release felt great till I realized that I might have broken it - although I hate that phone it managed to still work just fine when I put it back together. I laughed at myself and Maggie just stared at me like I had lost my mind.
It is hard to be frustrated with no outlet. I wish I had a punching bag installed in the house cause right now I would go over and beat the hell out of it. I feel to measured and too careful and it is not natural. I don't know what to do about it and will talk to David on Tuesday about how I feel. Is it obvious that I just need to cut and run or am I within an unrealistic timeframe to expect something more? Because I do expect something more...in a lot of areas.
Since there are no good answers for me right now, I think I will just go to bed and hope I don't have that stupid blind girl dream again. Oh, and I might beat the hell out of my pillow just for good measure.
Drip, Drip, Drip
Drip, drip, drip...
Just little bits
and tiny bytes.
Like a commercial
A trailer
Instead of
The feature.
Just little bits
and tiny bytes.
Like a commercial
A trailer
Instead of
The feature.
Friday, April 13, 2007
I Wish
Sometimes I wish dogs could talk. I think Maggie and I would have a ton of fun conversations...
She is a bull headed little priss pot, loves nothing better than a good nap and dreams of having a big back yard to go chase squirrels and chipmonks in.
I think she would come up with some pretty funny tales. Oh, and she always takes time to stop and smell the flowers ;-)
Invitation to Auch
I just got off Skype with my friend Steve who lives in Paris. He has invited me to come to Paris for a visit and join him for a weekend party in Auch, France. Pierre Phillipe owns a farm there and each Summer he hosts a weekend for about 80 folks and this year is is set for May 26-28th.
Saturday is the party day with long wooden tables set up outside and each guest brings a bottle of good wine and they eat Cour de Canard (duck hearts) and lots of wonderful French food together, this lasts well into the night followed by a bullfight day on Sunday. Auch has many Spanish influences, including the art of the bullfight in the Roman arena (Auch was a Roman city back in ancient times).
I think I am going to add in a trip to Madrid to see Isabel and Arnaud and to Switzerland to visit Pascale. I think this will be a wonderful way to end my time off and get ready to get back to working life.
Time to go check on airfare and see if a certain someone might like to join me for a little Summer vacation.
xoxo,
Bug
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Longing
I am longing for the beach. I want to feel the sand between my toes like powdered sugar and my hair begin to join strand-on-strand from the salt spray.
I want to feel the way my nose stings at the end of the day from the kiss the sun gave it when it thought it was well hidden, and the way the shower perks up each of my pores with fresh water as I wash away the the lotion and sand.
I want to wear white linen shorty skirts and sandles and a pink tank top with my baseball hat and sunglasses and ride like a kid on my bike again - nowhere to go, but everything to see.
I want to eat a sandwich at a road-side joint where there are pic-nic tables sitting under cabanas and Australian pines dropping needles to soften the ground around you and there is music playing that you know from days gone by and can sing along to.
I want to wake up early and go to the shoreline to watch the sun come up - to see the colors of the morning before the sun speaks harsh words to them and makes them retreat till the cool of evening.
I want to watch little children playing with buckets and shovels - building garble that makes their parents clap their hands with pride. You know the ones - the sandled and white-nosed, floppy hatted babies with little rounded bellies showing - they going to cary those memories forward, just like we do now.
You see, today I woke up longing - for water, sand and simplicity. I wanted to escape this place for a while.......and by dreaming on paper, I have...
Ladybug
I Told You I Was Going Back...
I went back to the slave master Julio today. Man, this is gonna be rough. I never should have quit because there is SO much to re-remember. Julio asked if I could be ready for a competition by October....Uh NO Julio, I don't think so Muchacho!! Right now all our movements are slower than normal so my feet can make that connection again. Imagine how I am going to die when we put it to the full rythm...which is about twice this fast in the real dance as what you see here.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Back To Dancing
It has been too long and I was really rusty today when I met with my teacher. He is so insistent on every step being correct!! We worked on this one cross break sequence for 20 minutes straight! I could not really enjoy myself because I was thinking about leading with my heel or staying fully on my toes. I did have one moment where I totally goofed off and had fun. I sped this up a little cause it made me laugh watching it!
I finished in an hour and left with burning calves and a headache. But I will be back again tomorrow ;-)
I finished in an hour and left with burning calves and a headache. But I will be back again tomorrow ;-)
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Getting Mad
After my appointment with David today and writing some missives about my life right now I felt defeated and tired. I headed up to bed to try to have a few hours of escape from that little gerbil that has been on the wheel non-stop for months. I laid there for 30 minutes and the longer I did, the madder I got. I flipped back the covers and threw on a pair of jeans and headed out. No more of this. No more waiting around for the answers. They are all inside of me and it is up to me to fix this - and I will.
I am a writer and a photographer, I am a dancer and firey Southern woman. I am audacious and witty and a lot of fun to be around. I am a traveller and an adventurer, I have seen the world and stood in awe in front of such beauty that I found out there. I am a dreamer and a kindred spirit and I am compassionate and strong. I let myself get down, I abandoned me and I started to doubt myself and my worth. I got sad and I got lost. Today I just plain out got mad...and in the process think I opened a door for myself, to return to myself. Today I made the connection and I hopped out of bed and back into life. The picture above this paragraph is the most like who I really am. Greg captured me right after saying something really goofy and when I looked at the photograph again this afternoon, I realized how much I let her go and how much I have missed her!
And for anyone who reads this and thinks I am full of myself, yes today I think I am....and that is o.k. because as David said, it is not being selfish to nourish self!
xoxo,
Bug
First order of business. Dance. I headed up to the dance store for a new pair of Latin dance shoes, the professional latin 2.5. Now I have all three required heel heights from the Ballroom standard 1.5 inch to the Latin 2.5 to the American Smooth style lace up practice 1 inch soft shoe. Next stop, the Ballroom Studio where I once practiced three days a week, 1 hour each time. I had legs that were amazing, I moved with grace and felt the very core of my feminity during that time. Bingo - that was part of what I needed again. Julio and I will dance Ballroom waltz and Foxtrot tomorrow and Thursday at 2 p.m. and Andrew and I will dance Tango and Rhumba in Latin style Friday and Saturday. No more waiting. I am mad as hell and I am gonna take all that out on the dance floor. I am a beautiful dancer and a sensual woman. Time to recapture that magic that lives inside of me.
As I was driving home full of energy to throw on my running shoes and hit my three mile track around Chastain Park, I realized that I have let myself down. I did this and it is up to me to fix it. I began to remind myself of who I am, who I fought so hard to discover three years ago when I had to start over.
I am a writer and a photographer, I am a dancer and firey Southern woman. I am audacious and witty and a lot of fun to be around. I am a traveller and an adventurer, I have seen the world and stood in awe in front of such beauty that I found out there. I am a dreamer and a kindred spirit and I am compassionate and strong. I let myself get down, I abandoned me and I started to doubt myself and my worth. I got sad and I got lost. Today I just plain out got mad...and in the process think I opened a door for myself, to return to myself. Today I made the connection and I hopped out of bed and back into life. The picture above this paragraph is the most like who I really am. Greg captured me right after saying something really goofy and when I looked at the photograph again this afternoon, I realized how much I let her go and how much I have missed her!I know there will be days where I have to keep working on what was broken, but I made a promise to myself to validate myself and be as good to me as I am to others. I think that is o.k. and I am looking forward to it.
Oh, and here are the new shoes that will help carry me along ;-)
And for anyone who reads this and thinks I am full of myself, yes today I think I am....and that is o.k. because as David said, it is not being selfish to nourish self!xoxo,
Bug
Resentment
I resent you. You are a coward!!! You destroyed everything we made and you are still hiding out from life.
You let me down when I never let you down. People ask me questions sometimes, like did I do "something" or was I unfaithful or did I somehow cause this to happen and I didn't DO ANYTHING - EVER!! You deserted me and you took our life away. When I couldn't meet your needs and keep on providing your amniotic fluid you aborted me.
I am a person who was discarded. That is how I see myself in life. Someone that was discarded, someone that is easily discarded and of no real value. But I do have value, I just need someone to SEE that in me and want to keep me and hold on to me. You broke that delicate thing in me and I kept on playing nice. I even had you over for Christmas so you wouldn't be alone that first year, even though you had no issues of leaving me alone when you filed for divorce that August.
I am not in love with you anymore, it is not that, not at all. But I do have to own some feelings about all of this. I resent you and what you took from me. I think it is a joke that you are seeking out religious life and that makes me feel like a blasphemer! But I mean really!! I feel like you can't hack life in the real world so you are going on to another safe place, a place where all your needs will be met and you won't have to reach for anything...and I helped you do it!
I also resent myself. I hate it that I swallowed my pride after you had our marriage annulled after 12 years and that I STILL was there for you, filling out a reference for you for the church to use to determine your suitability for religious life. Do you think that was easy for me?? Do you realize what that did to me? I hate that I did that for you - that I put all my feelings aside once again to be there FOR YOU to help YOU in your life. I am a pushover and that feels horrible to have to say, but I am. I don't respect myself for doing that, for swallowing my needs and choking past them to help you. In that one act, I discarded myself. I played right into that feeling that I don't matter as much as others. That is changing now, or at least I am trying to change that.
So while I have written this to release it now, I note to myself that I did not write that I hate you in any way, or that I don't have the base of understanding that you did the best you could in life. This is merely written from my perspective and out of the need to begin to respect my feelings and what was taken away from me.
I never want to be discarded in life like that again. The damage goes too deep.
You let me down when I never let you down. People ask me questions sometimes, like did I do "something" or was I unfaithful or did I somehow cause this to happen and I didn't DO ANYTHING - EVER!! You deserted me and you took our life away. When I couldn't meet your needs and keep on providing your amniotic fluid you aborted me.
I am a person who was discarded. That is how I see myself in life. Someone that was discarded, someone that is easily discarded and of no real value. But I do have value, I just need someone to SEE that in me and want to keep me and hold on to me. You broke that delicate thing in me and I kept on playing nice. I even had you over for Christmas so you wouldn't be alone that first year, even though you had no issues of leaving me alone when you filed for divorce that August.
I am not in love with you anymore, it is not that, not at all. But I do have to own some feelings about all of this. I resent you and what you took from me. I think it is a joke that you are seeking out religious life and that makes me feel like a blasphemer! But I mean really!! I feel like you can't hack life in the real world so you are going on to another safe place, a place where all your needs will be met and you won't have to reach for anything...and I helped you do it!
I also resent myself. I hate it that I swallowed my pride after you had our marriage annulled after 12 years and that I STILL was there for you, filling out a reference for you for the church to use to determine your suitability for religious life. Do you think that was easy for me?? Do you realize what that did to me? I hate that I did that for you - that I put all my feelings aside once again to be there FOR YOU to help YOU in your life. I am a pushover and that feels horrible to have to say, but I am. I don't respect myself for doing that, for swallowing my needs and choking past them to help you. In that one act, I discarded myself. I played right into that feeling that I don't matter as much as others. That is changing now, or at least I am trying to change that.
So while I have written this to release it now, I note to myself that I did not write that I hate you in any way, or that I don't have the base of understanding that you did the best you could in life. This is merely written from my perspective and out of the need to begin to respect my feelings and what was taken away from me.
I never want to be discarded in life like that again. The damage goes too deep.
Blind Dreams and Other Stuff
I have been having the blind dreams again. I had one yesterday and I hate that!! It is always the same thing - I am usually out driving a car and the sun comes straight in and I can't see so I start squinting and eventually I can't open my eyes anymore. It is so real and the fear hits me that I am going to crash into something, things are all around me and I need to see but my eyes wont open.
Yesterday, however I was on a bike instead of in a car, and for the first time I made contact with something, something rubbed my back tire from behind and I was powerless to see what what happening to me. I am never hurt in these dreams, I have just lost control and can't help myself out of a situation. I never remember the ending but my eyes are sensitive in real life for a day or so after the dream and I am squinty and I fear that in real life my eyes are going to close and not open up again. Pretty odd stuff, I know!
A couple of my posts this last week were homework assignments from my life coach. The one about work and the one about crying. When I can't get an answer out for him, he asks me to write about it because I can express myself more easily through the keypad. Truth seems to come out faster that way.
My Tuesdays have become hard days. It is a mix of anticipation and dread. I call them Tuesday's with David...sort of like that book Tuesday's With Morrie. I am learning a lot about myself and why I react to things the way I do. I am much more cognizant of my thoughts and I worry about the things I do when I am in the middle of doing them. I have started to ask myself "Is this the best thing for ME at this time." I don't always listen to myself, but I guess that will come in time. I think putting my thoughts into action will be the hardest part.
Right now I am struggling over something. I am really struggling hard and I feel really jittery and nervous. I hate that feeling but I don't know how to make it stop. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. I know what it is. I know exactly what it is and it really makes me mad. I won't say it out loud here on the blog but I am really in that "Oh CRAP, not THIS" mindset and I feel powerless over controlling my feelings. I know in the back of my mind the whole scenario and I know that I will get hurt and knocked down. I am angry at myself for being so stupid and powerless and such a freakin' marshmallow. Yelling at myself, however, isn't helping any...trust me, if I could yell my way out of this I would. I keep humming that song "Stupid Girl" in my head. Guess all this is why I had the blind dream again. My subconscious is yelling at me too. BLIND STUPID CHICK...open up your eyes and have a good look.
Well, it is almost noon here in Atlanta so I better stop writing and get on with the plan of the day. I am gonna warn you that the posts here are probably gonna be pretty raw and personal over the next little bit, so if you can't handle it I would just stop reading. If you are going to be judgemental and expectant of fluff and rainbows all the time you might need a break from logging on here. I have a lot of homework to do, and some of it will present itself in my ever-present metaphoric writing style and some just straight up and out. I'm just warning you in advance.....if you are the type that is inclined to leave a hurtful comment then know that I am the type to hold a grudge. Not pretty, but true, so tread lightly and remember this Blog is really for ME, and that is o.k.
M
Yesterday, however I was on a bike instead of in a car, and for the first time I made contact with something, something rubbed my back tire from behind and I was powerless to see what what happening to me. I am never hurt in these dreams, I have just lost control and can't help myself out of a situation. I never remember the ending but my eyes are sensitive in real life for a day or so after the dream and I am squinty and I fear that in real life my eyes are going to close and not open up again. Pretty odd stuff, I know!
A couple of my posts this last week were homework assignments from my life coach. The one about work and the one about crying. When I can't get an answer out for him, he asks me to write about it because I can express myself more easily through the keypad. Truth seems to come out faster that way.
My Tuesdays have become hard days. It is a mix of anticipation and dread. I call them Tuesday's with David...sort of like that book Tuesday's With Morrie. I am learning a lot about myself and why I react to things the way I do. I am much more cognizant of my thoughts and I worry about the things I do when I am in the middle of doing them. I have started to ask myself "Is this the best thing for ME at this time." I don't always listen to myself, but I guess that will come in time. I think putting my thoughts into action will be the hardest part.
Right now I am struggling over something. I am really struggling hard and I feel really jittery and nervous. I hate that feeling but I don't know how to make it stop. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. I know what it is. I know exactly what it is and it really makes me mad. I won't say it out loud here on the blog but I am really in that "Oh CRAP, not THIS" mindset and I feel powerless over controlling my feelings. I know in the back of my mind the whole scenario and I know that I will get hurt and knocked down. I am angry at myself for being so stupid and powerless and such a freakin' marshmallow. Yelling at myself, however, isn't helping any...trust me, if I could yell my way out of this I would. I keep humming that song "Stupid Girl" in my head. Guess all this is why I had the blind dream again. My subconscious is yelling at me too. BLIND STUPID CHICK...open up your eyes and have a good look.
Well, it is almost noon here in Atlanta so I better stop writing and get on with the plan of the day. I am gonna warn you that the posts here are probably gonna be pretty raw and personal over the next little bit, so if you can't handle it I would just stop reading. If you are going to be judgemental and expectant of fluff and rainbows all the time you might need a break from logging on here. I have a lot of homework to do, and some of it will present itself in my ever-present metaphoric writing style and some just straight up and out. I'm just warning you in advance.....if you are the type that is inclined to leave a hurtful comment then know that I am the type to hold a grudge. Not pretty, but true, so tread lightly and remember this Blog is really for ME, and that is o.k.
M
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Easter's Coming....Again
It is hard to believe that another year has flown by. I remember learning about Eintstein's theory that the faster you go, the slower time passes. In effect because you accomplish more in the moment. You live more, see more, experience more; accomplish more in a day.
I don't know about that one. I lived fast and furious last year. Went everywhere, squeezed life out, had experiences that were rich and fulfilling...yet still time flew by and here is another Easter season....as if the last were only a week ago.
I remember this time last year I was in a relationship with Jim. We had been together about three months and he was making plans to go back home to Alabama for Easter. He has a large extended family and they all get together and celebrate. I wanted to go to, I wanted him to ask me to be a part of that. I wanted to go and celebrate Easter with a family. He didn't ask me, chosing to go alone. I stayed home and attended church with my girlfriends and participated in the Easter dinner with Kerri's large Italian family and some friends. It ended up being a nice day, but I still felt alone. I think I wrote a post that day about wanting family...Easter dresses and eggs and the like. Really, I wanted to be a part of him. I wanted that validation of inclusion.
This year finds me in a new relationship. One that is based on friendship with a huge dose of attraction and chemistry, but one that we are allowing to progress naturally and cautiously. Easter is here again and I will still be alone. I have been invited to my girlfriend Angie's house for Easter brunch after church, and again I feel like a stray cat. I want to be with Greg the most, to be around his family a little and spend some time with him while he has a few days away from his work. But the invitation is not there and I have accepted that. Stray cat.
Last night he knew that something was under my calm surface. He knows my patterns already and that bugs me. I can't figure out how it is that he can read me like a book, even when I try to be upbeat and non-verbal...he hears everything. I love that about him, and I hate that about him. There is no hiding out with this man. He is very in tune.
So now it is Thursday and I need to go ahead and set my plans. I need to accept the invitations from my friends for weekend plans, Friday night out, Saturday manicure with Kerri, workout and the gym pretty hard, Sunday church with the girls, and Sunday brunch with Angie. I am not chosing these plans as second best, as I love my girls with all my heart, but I can't help feeling a little down today...because in my heart, I really wanted to be in Jackson....
I hate Einstein at the moment ;-)
I don't know about that one. I lived fast and furious last year. Went everywhere, squeezed life out, had experiences that were rich and fulfilling...yet still time flew by and here is another Easter season....as if the last were only a week ago.
I remember this time last year I was in a relationship with Jim. We had been together about three months and he was making plans to go back home to Alabama for Easter. He has a large extended family and they all get together and celebrate. I wanted to go to, I wanted him to ask me to be a part of that. I wanted to go and celebrate Easter with a family. He didn't ask me, chosing to go alone. I stayed home and attended church with my girlfriends and participated in the Easter dinner with Kerri's large Italian family and some friends. It ended up being a nice day, but I still felt alone. I think I wrote a post that day about wanting family...Easter dresses and eggs and the like. Really, I wanted to be a part of him. I wanted that validation of inclusion.
This year finds me in a new relationship. One that is based on friendship with a huge dose of attraction and chemistry, but one that we are allowing to progress naturally and cautiously. Easter is here again and I will still be alone. I have been invited to my girlfriend Angie's house for Easter brunch after church, and again I feel like a stray cat. I want to be with Greg the most, to be around his family a little and spend some time with him while he has a few days away from his work. But the invitation is not there and I have accepted that. Stray cat.
Last night he knew that something was under my calm surface. He knows my patterns already and that bugs me. I can't figure out how it is that he can read me like a book, even when I try to be upbeat and non-verbal...he hears everything. I love that about him, and I hate that about him. There is no hiding out with this man. He is very in tune.
So now it is Thursday and I need to go ahead and set my plans. I need to accept the invitations from my friends for weekend plans, Friday night out, Saturday manicure with Kerri, workout and the gym pretty hard, Sunday church with the girls, and Sunday brunch with Angie. I am not chosing these plans as second best, as I love my girls with all my heart, but I can't help feeling a little down today...because in my heart, I really wanted to be in Jackson....
I hate Einstein at the moment ;-)
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Engage - Engage!!
I was thinking about the movie Top Gun today. There is a scene in the movie where after a bad crash Maverick is up in the air again and under attack. He is without his trusted co-pilot and starting again. He can't engage and others are taking the heat - full on. They are calling out to him.. "Maverick we are in trouble here" the commanders are calling in to him "Engage, Engage, get in there and fight." He replies, "It's no good, I can't get the shot, It's no good, no good." He pulls a hard right, away from the action. He is not going to engage. Fear has the better of him.
That is me right now. I have always been that top gun at work. I have identified my entire adult life to date by being that person. I was heat-on in the dog fight and I never lost. Never. I was always the youngest, the woman, the accomplished one who could do anything, prove everything, fight longer, think faster, deliver better, the ace.
Then the crash came. I lost a marriage that was my life center. I went into a tailspin because I could not control the plane. I tried to let it go and tell myself that I can't control everything and I can't control outcomes where another person has a say. It started a three year cycle of change. I kept on going, rolling with it. I pretended it was all the same. I hid the post traumatic stress of it and suited up again. Doing what I knew best. Perform, climb, outsmart it.
I flew countless miles, it was not hard, it was no longer a challenge. I was trained and knew how to roll and adjust and climb to my cruising altitude. Then in December it all changed. I had a new mission. I needed to suit up, and I did what I was asked. I assumed the role but in the heat of the fight I pulled away. No good, no good...I can't get the shot.
Instead of re-engaging in the fight, I have decided to turn towards home. This is not my fight anymore. There is something else waiting in life that refuses to be ingored. It is bigger than the fight, the mission, the plan. It is me.
I resigned my position yesterday with one of the top companies in the world. I walked away from a job that many dream of being asked to do. I feel guilty and I tossed and turned most of the night. I am at a loss and afraid to just go ahead and smile and give myself the permission to just be for a while. I know I have to do that, there is no other choice. For the first time in over 17 years I am without a plan. I am taking a few months away from the corporate world, and I may never again engage myself there. Life is taking me in a different direction. I landed safely and I have climbed out of the cockpit.
I wonder what time off feels like...I guess it is time to smile, and find out.
That is me right now. I have always been that top gun at work. I have identified my entire adult life to date by being that person. I was heat-on in the dog fight and I never lost. Never. I was always the youngest, the woman, the accomplished one who could do anything, prove everything, fight longer, think faster, deliver better, the ace.
Then the crash came. I lost a marriage that was my life center. I went into a tailspin because I could not control the plane. I tried to let it go and tell myself that I can't control everything and I can't control outcomes where another person has a say. It started a three year cycle of change. I kept on going, rolling with it. I pretended it was all the same. I hid the post traumatic stress of it and suited up again. Doing what I knew best. Perform, climb, outsmart it.
I flew countless miles, it was not hard, it was no longer a challenge. I was trained and knew how to roll and adjust and climb to my cruising altitude. Then in December it all changed. I had a new mission. I needed to suit up, and I did what I was asked. I assumed the role but in the heat of the fight I pulled away. No good, no good...I can't get the shot.
Instead of re-engaging in the fight, I have decided to turn towards home. This is not my fight anymore. There is something else waiting in life that refuses to be ingored. It is bigger than the fight, the mission, the plan. It is me.
I resigned my position yesterday with one of the top companies in the world. I walked away from a job that many dream of being asked to do. I feel guilty and I tossed and turned most of the night. I am at a loss and afraid to just go ahead and smile and give myself the permission to just be for a while. I know I have to do that, there is no other choice. For the first time in over 17 years I am without a plan. I am taking a few months away from the corporate world, and I may never again engage myself there. Life is taking me in a different direction. I landed safely and I have climbed out of the cockpit.
I wonder what time off feels like...I guess it is time to smile, and find out.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
You Want To Know Why...
I thought about the question you left me with. I have pondered it all afternoon. It was there behind the last of my work day and beside me on my walk tonight. In between flipping the omlette I thought on it again. I am wondering if I know how to answer it.
To me, it is sign of weakness, or of something broken. Why so suddenly do they come up and well over. They give me away don't they? I find that I don't have a really good answer for you at this time, only ponderings. Is it something that I need to release? Perhaphs. It is fear? Probably. Is it something I think is a fault in me? Yes.
I did this in front of someone a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I was confused and embarrassed, and jealous. Yes, jealous. Bingo...there they were...giving me away. There is no pretending it's all good when they show up out of nowhere and reveal me.
I think about that one day a lot. I remember the person said that it made them feel bad like they had done something wrong. I also remember thinking that it was really about me. It was about my vulnerability and my need...to be needed and not always second best.
I made a note that it was not acceptable to do that in front of them again. I guess that is where the apologies came from when they came out in front of you and the question that followed about why I think it is not o.k. to show them. They make people feel uncomfortable....and they make me have to tell the truth.
That's probably not all of it, but it's pretty close on the mark.
To me, it is sign of weakness, or of something broken. Why so suddenly do they come up and well over. They give me away don't they? I find that I don't have a really good answer for you at this time, only ponderings. Is it something that I need to release? Perhaphs. It is fear? Probably. Is it something I think is a fault in me? Yes.
I did this in front of someone a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I was confused and embarrassed, and jealous. Yes, jealous. Bingo...there they were...giving me away. There is no pretending it's all good when they show up out of nowhere and reveal me.
I think about that one day a lot. I remember the person said that it made them feel bad like they had done something wrong. I also remember thinking that it was really about me. It was about my vulnerability and my need...to be needed and not always second best.
I made a note that it was not acceptable to do that in front of them again. I guess that is where the apologies came from when they came out in front of you and the question that followed about why I think it is not o.k. to show them. They make people feel uncomfortable....and they make me have to tell the truth.
That's probably not all of it, but it's pretty close on the mark.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Just Being....With You
Let me come to you again. Cover me in your simplicty and the warmth of your embrace. Hold me against you and say nothing; just be.
Let me sit with you a while. Hold my hand, small inside your grasp and paling in your strength. Hold me next to you and say nothing; just be.
Sing to me and play. Swaddle me with the tone of your voice and the sweet chords you make. Let me listen and hum along to the sweetness. I will sit next to you and say nothing; just be.
Lie with me at night. Put your hand along the curve of my hip and connect me to you in sleep. Let me feel the safety of your nest and say nothing, just be.
Let me laugh with you again. Talk to me in Southern cadence like mothers milk so nourishing to my soul. Hold my attention with stories of the past and your dreams. Let me dream those with you....and just be....
I miss you...
Let me sit with you a while. Hold my hand, small inside your grasp and paling in your strength. Hold me next to you and say nothing; just be.
Sing to me and play. Swaddle me with the tone of your voice and the sweet chords you make. Let me listen and hum along to the sweetness. I will sit next to you and say nothing; just be.
Lie with me at night. Put your hand along the curve of my hip and connect me to you in sleep. Let me feel the safety of your nest and say nothing, just be.
Let me laugh with you again. Talk to me in Southern cadence like mothers milk so nourishing to my soul. Hold my attention with stories of the past and your dreams. Let me dream those with you....and just be....
I miss you...
C'est Moi!!
On this day the bloom came and I smiled from deep inside myself. I waited a long time to see it, I wondered what it would look like in color and shape.
It is a beautiful deep pink, the edges are soft and full and the petals will be bountiful. I realized that the stem that holds this new growth is strong and will support this flower and allow it to reach towards the sun, and to withstand the rain.
On this day the words came and I smiled from deep inside myself. I wondered if they had left to never return to me in form or imagination.
They are the same, so readily identifiable to me; my style. I realized that the expression that is the verbalization of my heart is strong and will always support me and allow me to dream, to reach towards the sun and to withstand the rain.
Such joy from this finds me today!
It is a beautiful deep pink, the edges are soft and full and the petals will be bountiful. I realized that the stem that holds this new growth is strong and will support this flower and allow it to reach towards the sun, and to withstand the rain.
On this day the words came and I smiled from deep inside myself. I wondered if they had left to never return to me in form or imagination.
They are the same, so readily identifiable to me; my style. I realized that the expression that is the verbalization of my heart is strong and will always support me and allow me to dream, to reach towards the sun and to withstand the rain.
Such joy from this finds me today!
Tomorrow
I will sit with you again tomorrow. You will have the notepad and I will have words. I will do just fine for a while until you ask a question that hits a raw spot. I will fight back tears and try to answer you. The tears will win the fight again and I will apologize to you for no reason at the onset.
Fifty minutes at a time we excavate and I know it is helpful, but scraping away the layers is tedious and it hurts at times. I hate that you see through me. I am so used to showing one thing and not being discovered; people take face value too often. Not you.
I have been doing the homework that you assign to me and at times find myself wanting to go back to my cheat-sheet, to the easy way of answering the questions - but I don't. I simply pull out the dictionary and look up the meaning and try to understand it.
We are three layers in and a fourth layer removal is coming tomorrow. I guess it is appropriate as this is the season of renewal. Thank you for helping me tend my garden and prepare my soil, one layer at a time.
Fifty minutes at a time we excavate and I know it is helpful, but scraping away the layers is tedious and it hurts at times. I hate that you see through me. I am so used to showing one thing and not being discovered; people take face value too often. Not you.
I have been doing the homework that you assign to me and at times find myself wanting to go back to my cheat-sheet, to the easy way of answering the questions - but I don't. I simply pull out the dictionary and look up the meaning and try to understand it.
We are three layers in and a fourth layer removal is coming tomorrow. I guess it is appropriate as this is the season of renewal. Thank you for helping me tend my garden and prepare my soil, one layer at a time.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Instead Of
Sunday morning is here and the weather is wonderful. It is overcast and a bit cool and the birds are out in full serenade. Hard to believe that Easter is almost here again.
I haven't felt the need to write until last night and even then I didn't. I haven't picked up my camera or my pen in a couple of months. I guess the creativity is on hold for other things right now.
So this morning instead of typing out all my feelings, I will once again go work it out with the pavement. Instead of photographing something beautiful, I will simply fix it in my mind's eye and smile in appreciation for having seen it.
There is a 3 mile loop with geese and rolling greens and trees in bloom. There is a stream with a bridge and the sounds of little league players on the fields that holds my interest. There is a wonderful companion waiting by the door to experience all this with me, hoping to get a swim in that stream.
To that end, I am off to clear my head, and make a memory just for me.
Happy Sunday all,
Mellissa
I haven't felt the need to write until last night and even then I didn't. I haven't picked up my camera or my pen in a couple of months. I guess the creativity is on hold for other things right now.
So this morning instead of typing out all my feelings, I will once again go work it out with the pavement. Instead of photographing something beautiful, I will simply fix it in my mind's eye and smile in appreciation for having seen it.
There is a 3 mile loop with geese and rolling greens and trees in bloom. There is a stream with a bridge and the sounds of little league players on the fields that holds my interest. There is a wonderful companion waiting by the door to experience all this with me, hoping to get a swim in that stream.
To that end, I am off to clear my head, and make a memory just for me.
Happy Sunday all,
Mellissa
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