The Most Wonderful

I am 18 Weeks pregnant today with our son. Today is the most significant movement I have had from little Evan. It is as if there are a thousand feathers tickling the inside of my stomach. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt in my life and such a wonderful gift from Evan today. I had to pull the car over on the way to work to spend time feeling him this way for the first time. The other feelings were small pings and pangs and a tick here or there. This was like the grand finale of the fourth of July fireworks. I wish Greg were here to experience this joy with us. Our son is a mover and shaker. Absolutely

The picture above is of an 18 week old child, photographed by an endoscopic camera in the womb. It was taken in 1965 if you can believe and is the #11 cover of Life Magazine of all time. I love that it shows me what my little Evan looks like today!!

Mellissa

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Of all the strange things, my sense of smell (which was already acute enough to pick out your deodorant brand) has become soooo sensitive it is unbelievable. 

There is one thing that is starting to drive me crazy and that is the smell of dirty hair. I kid you not, I can smell unwashed hair from a mile away and all of a sudden the "non-washers" are eeeeveryhere.  I am not talking washed it a day or so ago, I am talking combed it with a pork chop, let the water run over it, working on dreadlocks kind of FUNKY. 

The worst offender was at the doctor's office the other day. She was pregnant and had loooong brown hair and was in the bathroom ahead of me giving her "sample" and man, she was NOT clean!! I about threw up three times while in the bathroom just behind her and then when I had to go to the second holding cell, there she was again in all her greasiness and I literally stood around the corner because I could not stand that HAIR smell. 

How could you be growing a person and not wash all your 3,000 parts plus 5,000 hairs???!!!! Anyway, I might just have to start staying in the house because it REALLY bothers me and makes me feel sick and I never realized how many people are not 'pooing on a regular basis. So readers, please; I implore you to lather, rinse and repeat...or just lather a little o.k. there are some of us out there with fat bellies and sensitive noses.

Thank you, 

The Pregnant Police

Bun, Mag & Mommy

I love buying little outfits for Bun (that's his new nickname by the way because I call him my little HoneyBun) I totally scored these Carter's shorties for the Spring/Summer for $2.50 each.. I love that and yes, I plan ahead and buy ahead especially now that all the little winter clothes are coming in which I don't really need because in Jan/Feb/March he will be in baby onesie's and socks and safe inside the house so you can guarantee that in March I will be snapping up all the Winter boots and little corduroy pants and overalls and knit caps I will need for the last of the year at a savings too!

There is just one wee little problem with my need to buy little prezzies for Evan. Maggie...she thinks they are for her - she doesn't get the concept of baby and why she can't have everything that is smaller than things she knows are for me....

But nonetheless, she sits in my closet and stares up at the newest item in the house. Heaven help us if there is a stuffed animal that comes in...she won't budge for an hour. Poor little Evan...when he gets older it's gonna be a struggle to get his toys away from Maggie and I am quite sure I will have to referee many a tug of war around the house.

And finally, here is a picture of me, notice the fat roll under my arm. I tell ya, it's all going fast...but hey, at least I know I am gonna rally one day soon...and there we will be... Bun, Mag &  Mommy, sitting out in the sunshine listening to the crickets and loving the new life we have all made together.

xoxo,
Mellissa

What Nice People Can Do

This afternoon I was really sad. I started the day on a happy note but quickly had my hopes let down again. Hope makes a fool out of the well intentioned heart. I left work for the Dr. feeling sort of ugly and unloved and just kind of used up and dirty. Like the person with the "Kick Me" sign on their back - just embarrassed and humiliated. 

I had to go get my blood drawn today and I made my way over to the lab, focusing only on my little boy and the joy he will bring into my life, and the fact that God knows my heart and will provide for me, and one day, there will be a man of such magnitude that will scoop us up and love the both of us without hesitation or doubt. I was thankful that I have the blessings I do and the family I have, I tried to push all else to the side and I tried to smile and show a radiant woman to those who passed me by. I did it for Evan. 

I will not fail in my growing or raising of him...but inside it was a fight to not feel like an ugly duckling, a cast off, someone of no value. As I was leaving the lab, happy that I have only gained 1/2 lb. in a month, a stranger walked up to me with a smile, the warmest - sweetest smile. She said I was beautiful, and what pregnancy should look like! I smiled from ear to ear, my spirits were renewed in that moment by the kindness of a complete stranger. I looked like a lady she said. It was in stark contrast to the used up and discarded person I felt a couple of hours earlier. It was a sweet gift she gave me. I told her how much it meant to me on a hard day. I will carry her with me now forever; renewed in my faith that the kindness of a stranger can make all the difference in the world. 

Kindness is never wasted ... I hope that each person who reads this will do that for another person this week.  Just show them a measure of kindness, you never know the profound affect you will have on their life...their day or their feelings about themselves. 

While I cannot replace what is continually removed from me right now, I do appreciate and accept the small gifts of kindness and love that God places in my path to help me and my son navigate our way. 

xoxo, 

Mellissa & Evan (we're a team you know)

It Is Possible

It is entirely possible to love someone you have never met. I know this for a fact. I am in love with my little Evan and I dream about him, pray for him and try to do everything I can to keep him safe already. I am protective over him and will fight hard if I think anyone is trying to slight him or upset me as I need to be happy so that he can continue to develop well.

Last night was a hard one, I have had some cramping the last day or so - nothing major, but anything that wakes me up in the night scares me. I have been having more round ligament pain and a definite tightening sensation in Evan's "house" and it makes me nervous as I don't really know what is normal growing pains and what I should be concerned with.

The root of the concern is my thyroid (or lack of one) and the fact that they have increased my meds three times already and I have to go back this week for more bloodwork to make sure I am level. I know I am not! My skin is very dry and I am tired again. I also know that Evan is fine in that department as he has his own thyroid now and produces his own T3/T4 hormone which regulates his adrenal system and pituitary function. It is me that I worry about now. If I don't maintain enough hormone then I could miscarry him (at least this is my fear from the past and the reason I was told I was a long-shot to none in that department) or I won't have enough energy to exercise or feel good - two essentials for me right now.

I guess I just worry and I want everything to be o.k. My thyroid is something that bothers me and has taken a toll on me in a lot of ways. It is my "thing" to deal with and I don't mind that so much - but now that I beat the odds and conceived a child, I want to beat the odds and hold onto my son. I don't want this thyroid issue to affect him in any way at all.

Needless to say, when I wake up in the night cramping, I get upset and think maybe I don't have enough juice and something bad is going to happen, even now. That is when I start to pray again, and breathe; deep, relaxing breaths - willing my midsection to let go and hoping that I will once again beat the statistics - 168 days to go....

Wish me luck and pray along with me for my little Viking - because I love him already - and I know him, even though we have yet to meet.  He is someone I dream of and will love for a lifetime...

xoxo,
Mellissa

Family Time

I had the best Saturday morning with my parents. I just ADORE them. They are my rock.  They have always have been there for me.  They love me unconditionally and I cannot imagine how I would have faced this time in my life if not for their love and absolute belief in me.

Before Mom and I took the dogs for our morning walk around the lake, we had coffee together on the back porch with my dad. I was trying to explain the concept of the 3D Ultrasound to my dad and he was mad at me for doing something silly to expose the baby to "atomic" energy.  All matter has atoms, all atoms produce energy and all energy directed into the uterus is BAD. Suffice it to say that we had just been having a conversation about hecks and atoms in relation to scientists who are trying to find the God code...anyway I digress. I had to try to find a way to relate the ultrasound in a way that his "man mind" could wrap around with ease and comfort.

I remembered when we lived in South Florida, my dad would take us out in his boat all the time and he would always have that electronic fish finder thing going....which is an ULTRASOUND type device...BINGO - man application of ultrasound and the lack of harm to the fish, thus the lack of harm to the baby.  He smiled in relief and will be accompanying my mom and I for a special ultrasound when the baby is older (about 22/24 weeks) as I want them to witness the miracle of this child moving inside of me. I think my Dad will get a big kick out of seeing the face of his grandson. It means a lot to me.

After our morning walk and shower, I dressed and came downstairs and my dad looked at me and smiled at my mom and told me I looked really cute. You have to understand the sweetness and the effort of my daddy in this matter, as sweet is a word I have never heard him utter unless my mom put too much sugar in his coffee. He was doing his best to verbally cuddle me and used a girly word to make me smile. He made me feel beautiful and special just by that one line!!!

We had a wonderful day together buying maternity clothes for me, and cute little summer outfits for Evan....my dad just beamed with pride over providing for me and my little Viking....and I appreciated him so much for helping us. I will tell you though, I had to buy some new nightgowns and when I was in the dressing room with my mom trying on the gowns, I turned around and got a glimpse of myself in the dressing room mirror and I broke down in tears. My mom looked panicked and stood in front of the mirror to stop the image while I bent down my head and cried into my chest, shoulders shaking. I cried because I did not recognize the woman in the mirror...I still bought the nightgowns...testament to comfort below....

Well I am back home now, and I am missing my family and my room. Maggie is sleeping and I think I am headed that way too. Happy Sunday night all!!

Life and Living

There are many times throughout the day that I ponder my past and my future. I think of what was, what might have been, and what is. I take inventory of those I love and those I am trying to understand. I roll over things I have yet to make sense of, and I write mental love notes to those I care for; wishing in that moment they could feel my sentiment inside their heart.

I am a woman who often ponders and who is a very deep thinker. I have written previously that I wish I wasn't that way, but I do believe an unexamined life is not worth living. I am glad that I take the time to remove layers, to search for my understanding and stance and to seek advice from others when I cannot discriminate heads or tails in life issues.

So while I might sit and think of life often and connect dots in my head, or dream of those I love, it is a side of me that no one really sees in person. When you are near me (unless in crisis mode) you would most likely not imagine the introversion. You would see the laughing girl, the one brining everyone into the fun, the one who I was told recently was lucky because she meets new people every day and makes friends easily....but that is only on the surface...and at the end of the day, that woman returns home alone...and ponders life again....wondering if she will ever figure it all out...knowing she never will.

Well, enough of the 5 a.m. introspection. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! I am off to work and then to my folks for a little TLC and hugs, and to get more of the love I grew up on - and will pass along to my son soon!!

xoxo,
Mellissa

Put Your BIG Girl Panties On

Men, you might as well just stop reading right now!! This is gonna be a quasi-chick post and I don't want to ruin your day ;-)

Man, I gotta tell you all - I have been pretty quiet about my pregnancy overall. I do keep a blog for my little Evan - it is mostly about my feelings for him and my thoughts about life, etc. I don't write too much about my actual pregnancy..

So let's dish the truth - and just know this - PREGNANCY AIN'T FOR SISSIES!!!

1. My first Trimester was rough, rough, rough. I never had a moment of morning sickness and for that I am thankful. I did get mind-numbing fatigue of the Epstein-Bar Cher can't go on tour kind of way!! I would get out of bed and cry for an hour. I would take a shower and dry my hair and then be so exhausted I had to go back to bed....and I WOULD!! I felt like I had the flu all the time and I cried all the time - all the time (I still cry a lot)!!

2. My pregnancy is harder because I am single. Yes, I am single and not pointing any fingers or such as this but I am telling you that it is twice as hard to go through this alone. I read stuff about "daddy bringing home dinner" and get really upset at the girls on the message boards who are mad because they don't like what the man brought home!!! I say you silly woman - send that man over here to me, cause I got to get all my own crap and do everything myself. Shut up and EAT THE MEATLOAF and then get your feet rubbed. I also get highly upset when I see a pregnant woman out with her husband/boyfriend/partner. I want to have that too. I see them together registering at Babies R' Us and I leave the store and cry all the way home.

3. Fat arms.  My gosh!! I printed out a picture of myself just before finding out I was pregnant and I put it on the fridge as a reminder!!! Hard to believe that a scant few months ago I was getting firm and looked pretty good - now I have pregnancy envy and I look at other pregnant women (and it is like never seeing a certain car until you buy it and then seeing them everywhere!!!) and I look at their arms and get highly upset if they are toned - lol!! I have been doing my weights here at home (it is 7:15 a.m. and I already did bicep/triceps) but I get nowhere except for muscular with ripples of fat on the top, and I am NOT even gonna now talk about my hips as I won't manage the day ;-)

4. Dumb and Dumber. I used to be one smart cookie!! I walked at 7 months for crying out loud!! Now - I can be mid-sentence and totally lose track of what I was saying. I walk into a room to get something and can't remember what it was. I sit things down and can't remember where I sat them. It is nutty. I think I could handle the crying, rippled upper arms if I could just be smart and witty like I used to be!!

5. Mommy needs a MARGARITA!! You would think that I am a raging alcoholic I swear. Before I got pregnant with the Viking, I would maybe have cocktails on some weekends with my girlfriends - I was digging the whole Salsa dancing and Mojito's thing - very Ricky Ricardo if you know what I mean. Now - nada. I think about drinking a CORONA with lime every single day or I long to sit on my back porch with a nice crisp Riesling. Yeah - you would think that I had a drinking problem. I can assure you, I do not. It is just what you can't have that twinkles like the North star.

6. I miss my life!! I never thought I would have a child - I was told it wouldn't happen. I was married for 13 years and never conceived a child - suffice it to say I believed what the Dr.'s told me. No biggie overall. I wasn't home crying over it.  I had a fulfilling life, I loved it, loved it, loved it. I travelled all the time, had great adventures, romance and good food. I was the chatty fun girl about town, going to gallery openings, happy hour, fashion shows, and Paris for Christmas. I was the girl with cashmere jogging suits for crying out loud!! You see, in my life dream, I wanted to have a whole family - not just a child. I wanted husband first, child second and love, love, love but I thought that wasn't the story for me and I adapted.  Now I am alone a lot - actually every day and night and I hate it. I am a social person and need the company of others. However, now that I am pregnant I feel that I am forgotten and I am really missing my life. You know what's odd? I never spoke of children with any man I dated, or even with my ex-husband. I never kidded about cute kids or anything with ANY of them....except Greg who is the father of my son Evan. We thought it was fun to joke about how cute our kids would be. He now thinks I planned all this and tricked him because of those jokes. I did not...I just thought he was cute and sweet and a nice relationship although too far away and very different from me.

Now, I have shared with you my 6 mysteries and whaaaat?? horrors of pregnancy time. What I must tell you is that it is ALL worth while. In 24 short weeks I will welcome my son to this world. I cannot imagine the joy, I cannot imagine the love. He is wiggling inside as I write this post and I am smiling. No matter what I go through each day, it is worth it because I have been blessed with a treasure the magnitude which I never even imagined - me - a mother. Wow!! If it has to be this way, then so be it.

As for the rest, I guess I just have to "Put my BIG girl panties on and DEAL with it."  This transition time is not the end, it is only the beginning - so everything else doesn't matter. I win the ultimate prize in the end. Aren't I lucky?!!!

xoxo,
Bug

Doing The Best You Can

It is o.k. to struggle and to ponder and to feel injustice when injustice is served to you. It is permissible to say I struggle to stay positive each day. Honesty is honorable - reach out for help if you need it and don't be afraid or embarrassed. We ALL need help this way - no person is completely without need of support. It is o.k. to say I have been let down and I do not trust. 

To say it is to acknowledge your feelings and through acknowledgement and understanding we learn how to avoid those who will let us down. Speak your truth to those you trust and do not let yourself be put down repeatedly by another. They point out the weakness in themselves in what they portray onto you. Use their words as a mirror into their soul - and when they show you who they are - believe them and walk away. 

Hold your head high if you are worthy and have been honorable and remove yourself from what hurts your heart. It is o.k. to want. It is o.k. to hold onto your value system and to hope. It is wise to dream of something better and to hold yourself and others to a higher standard of morality and kindness. You do not have to apologize to society for wanting better than the average we have lowered ourselves to. You do not have to live a lie to meet the needs of another, or pretend that less than 100% is o.k. if it is not. 

I know that I will not bend to it any longer, I will hold my truths as the measuring stick of my life. I will not allow life to run me over or those who live in false pretense and lower standards to influence my life. I might have to go to therapy, I might have to take a little pill each day to cope, I might have to pray to God each day for the strength to get out of bed and put my feet on the ground. I might have to humble myself before each person I know to get the help I need - but I tell you this. I WILL NOT BEND, I WILL NOT PRETEND, I WILL NOT SETTLE for the leftovers of life - and pretend it is enough - and to anyone else who reads this - neither should you. 

Take care - and please, be honorable to each other. Love with an open heart, don't inflict harm on another, don't withhold yourself from those who need you. It is the worst of humanity the suffering we cause each other. 

Love, 

Mellissa

Cliche'

I just returned to the office from having a quick bite of lunch. I had a grilled chicken sandwich, side of fruit and a pickle spear.

Then it hit....that pickle spear was so good!!!  I sat there for a long time wanting another - and daring NOT to ask...lest I become a cliché'...well, to the outside world that is...

I am now back and work - and still thinking about that pickle....

xoxo,
Mellissa

Popcorn from Evan!!!

I haven't been writing much lately, or I have been writing and publishing only to save things in draft mode a few moments later - that included this mornings post. 

However - just a few minutes ago as I was in the shower singing to my little Evan and leaning over to wash my toes - I got some "Popcorn". I straightened up and put my hand just to the left of my belly button; completely startled that, indeed, the movements of the baby feel like popcorn popping!!! I was also surprised at how high he is sitting. But I guess at 5.5-6 inches this week (head to hiney) and adding an extra two inches of legs, my little man is almost 8 inches long in total, and right where I felt him, hanging out by my belly button!! What a gift today brings to me!! 

Each time I wonder about my future and my life, God gives me a little gift. Today my gift was "Popcorn" and a smile that will carry with me the rest of my day. I am 40% through my pregnancy, second trimester, 16 weeks today!! (Let's just hope he wasn't having a violent reaction to my singing ;-) 

xoxo, Mellissa

Facing Fowards

There are times when I find writing on my blog difficult. Those mainly are the times of pain in my life or when I am having a hard time navigating my way. 

 As a writer, or I should say, a person who's creative expression is writing, it is hard NOT to release all the words and get it out. I haven't written what is truly in my heart for a few months now. I wake up in the middle of the night and the words are tripping over themselves in concentric circles. It is as if could just write them down then all the problems would be solved and reason would prevail and my voice would be heard. I wake up almost every night this way since I have not written the truth about my life. I am not writing about my true feelings right now because life is difficult enough without giving credence to my words and accepting my fate. 

If I write it down then it is history, it is recorded, it is my fate and that is something that I just cannot emotionally handle right now with the enormous changes in both my physical and emotional makeup due to my pregnancy. When I wake up now, or as I continually think about themes of injustice, I give it back to God. I give it to him again and again and again. I ask to only face forward towards his grace, to not again look back onto the things that hurt. 

I did want to share my prayer with each of you so that if you are experiencing pain and loss in your lives, or if you are wrestling with feelings of helplessness and abandonment, or being alone, you can pray this too - no matter what your faith, prayer is a powerful and comforting practice which can change you from the inside and give you strength.

Love, 

Mellissa 

 "In this day give me the strength to die in my own will and my own thoughts. Let me focus only on the things I am able to change with your help and to have peace. Please soothe my heart and know that I am as helpless as a child in my circumstance. I pray that you will ease my mind and allow joy to come. Please allow me to learn to accept all things in your time and please keep my heart tender to those who have hurt me. I just ask to feel your love and your peace today. Please keep me close to you and I know I will not fail."

Who I AM

A few years ago after my divorce and as I was beginning to live life again, I sat down on my back patio and I began to write a series about who I am and what I believe. No matter how silly it was, I said I would write down all the things I knew for sure about myself in an effort to get to know me as a person alone - not part of a couple, not identified by the presence of another.

Today I felt it important that I post this again....for myself. I needed a reminder of Who I am and what makes my heart sing. I deserve happiness and I deserve love. I do not deserve half-attempts and idle patronization.

Thanks for reading!

*********************************
What I believe:

I believe in love and the sanctity of marriage, sheets with high thread counts, French milled soap and washing your face at night. I believe in honesty and fidelity and little girls wearing seersucker dresses in the summertime. I believe in schedules and nap time and discipline tempered with love. I believe in barbeques with music and that Tide is the best laundry detergent.

I believe in the Golden Rule and offering smiles to those who wish you ill. I believe in being there in times of crisis or trouble and to think before you speak. I believe there is a soul mate for each person and that our lives are predestined. I believe in Comet for the kitchen sink and scrubbing pots by hand.

I believe in Christmas and the beauty of family. I believe in treating guests like royalty and putting flowers in the house; in doing rather than expecting and staying up late sometimes just to talk it out.

I believe in staying in the shower sometimes just to use up all the hot water; stepping out pink and glowing from overindulgence. I believe dogs know character and give unconditional love; that French is the most beautiful language on earth and Mozart does expand the mind.

I believe in good wine and cheese, that perfect fried chicken can only be made by fine Christian women in the South and that coleslaw should have celery seeds in it because that is how my mom makes it. I believe in beach vacations and watching sunsets with someone you love, honoring your mother and father and being a good partner to those you involve yourself with.

I believe in walking city streets at night and trying something different on the menu, to take chances in love and to get on an airplane to someplace fulfilling as often as you can. I believe in spirituality and that God exists in the simple things in life.

I believe there is a moment of perfect silence when a child is born. I have experienced that first hand and it is monumental. I believe in expression and that modern art is sometimes a fluke; Paris is the most beautiful city I have ever seen and that I give unconditional love to those who are deserving of it. I don’t believe love means never having to say you are sorry – I believe it means having to say you are sorry more than you want to.

I believe in gold bands over fancy diamond rings, although I would rather have a small perfect diamond than a big cubic zirconia. I believe in good stationary and the art of writing letters to those who need it and don’t expect it. I believe in keeping your mouth shut when you don’t know what you are talking about and never putting people down making them feel less than so you can feel more than.

I believe in Sunday mornings with God and music and the paper and a really good cup of coffee, in the beauty of springtime and that my Mother is goodness in human form. I believe that Marjorie Brown was the greatest influence in my life and that I have the capacity to love more than most.

I am sure there are other items I can add to this list as I think about them, but if you want to know me, this is a pretty good place to start.

Mellissa

Some Very Wise Advice - Let It Go!!!

Here is a little message that I recieved in an email yesterday. I hope you will read it through to the end as it is very powerful. These words are an except from a sermon by the Reverend T.D. Jakes. I really needed to see this today in confirmation of something I have been needing to do for three months now.

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not forus. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, & see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing in your life!!! LET IT GO!!!

So get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!! "

- The Reverend T.D. Jakes

Facing It

I think acceptance is the hardest part of life. There are certain facets one must choose to accept or choose to stand up and say "I do NOT accept this". That is a fine line isn't it? It is a delicate matter to know when to give more time to understand the scope of something and when to turn from it saying that you know better and won't accept the burden anymore.

Many of you will not understand what I write of today, but suffice it to say that I have seen the truth in a matter in my life, and I will not be the dog that returns for affection to it's master only to be beaten and sent away. Whether abuse is physical or emotional - it leaves a scar and a mark.

I asked to spend time, to be held and supported this weekend. I asked last weekend. I was denied....again. An offer was made for Labor Day Weekend - almost a month away from now. This means I will have spent two months and a week alone in my pregnancy. This is NOT acceptable, it is not support.

What Is That Like?

In conversation with a friend last night and let's preface this writing by saying that this friend is Jim, whom you all might remember as the man I dated and loved quite dearly last year and with whom now I am building a respectful friendship based on mutual respect of character

Anyway, I digress

In this conversation we were catching up, discussing our lives and happenings over the last few months since we saw each other. It was as comforting a conversation as is a quilt on a rainy day. It was honest and loving and we listened - to each other - we respected what the other feels and is experiencing in life. To that end, we discussed a person very dear to Jim, the very person who's shadow I could not eclipse and the reason we were never meant to be more than we were

He said something so wonderful and so profound that I wept over the words this morning. I wept for his sense of loss and I wept for the illusive in my life because I realize that men do love, and there are soulmates out there for each of us

His beautiful words - "I truly believe I was put on this Earth to love her. I was made for her." For me - to know that this is true, that a man can actually feel that level of emotion for a woman gives me great hope for the future, and a renewal that men are sometimes more than we give them credit for

This man, my friend, is one of those men, and a giant among them. I am proud to call you my very dearest and I am glad we have found this spot to stand in support and friendship. I truly wish you well

xoxo,
Mellissa