Spending Time

Life really is in the little things isn't it? It is the people you love, the places you travel and the memories that sustain.

It is a dinner out with the new man in your life, it is rubbing noses with your Sunday School girl, it is watching Maggie look for her Chipmonk, it is art that makes you smile, it is walking the shoreline with with your family, it is watching your mother be a grandmother, it is girlfriends laughing and scheming, it is traveling to see my mom with Maggie sleeping on my lap....

This post is for nothing really, other than for me to look back at the photographs that comprise a part of my life.

It is a reminder that I can trust in something. I can believe in the goodness of people, I am loved - and love in return. That is a nice reminder.
Bug

Nesting

I am home again and content about being near all of my things. I still miss that man in the country, but it is so decadent to go into my bathroom and open a drawer of "girlie goods".

I went to the grocery store to re-stock the shelves in my house and could not help the urge to prepare a menu in my head and shop accordingly.

This week, in between working and working out, I will have:

Potato Leek Soup with a Baby Field Green Salad
Pepper Bacon and Stilton Bleu Cheese Quiche
Spinach Salad with fresh Strawberry vinaigrette, asparagus and grilled fillet mignon

I would have prepped for more good, fresh home cooking - but there is a wedding this weekend that I am so happy to be attending - as a date....so looks like Saturday will have a sweet dessert in the mix....and a world of hope being promised.

Well, it is off to spinning class now - and then home to bake Banana bread just for the great smell it brings to the house.

xoxo,
Ladybug

Special

That is what my Sunday school children are. They are special. I am a lucky lady indeed to spend that little bit of time with them.

Emma, Sebastian, Wilson, Jordan, & Dante. We talked today about the Last Supper and Emma said she thought it must have been like Thanksgiving. I loved that - so simple was the correlation in her mind.

When we went into our theater production message for the week, Emma looked up at me and asked "Miss Mellissa, what is sin" - After I gave her the simple answer she needed to connect the dots about why Jesus died for our "sins", I just held her for a moment. She is so tiny and her hair is like silk. As we said our little prayer together, I could not help but inhale her sweetness.

Wilson lost his front tooth and Sebastian lost his two lower teeth - they were proud of this first step towards becoming "grown-ups" and we had a talk about teeth and how they are important in making smiles (in their case, little toothy/toothless grins).

Jordan was shy and I loved singing and dancing with him, watching him grow comfortable in our group and asking if he came back to see me next week if I would help him make another paper airplane. He is beautiful and a little timid.....we'll fix that.

Dante's shoes came untied and as I re-tied one, Wilson offered to help tie the other. We learned about supporting each other as friends through discussing that small action of helpfulness. Wilson beamed because he was being a true friend.

These children amaze me each and every week. It makes me dream of having my own one day. I cannot imagine the joy of holding your own child and feeling that wonderment. Those of you with children, take a little extra time today to tell them they are special. Tell them they are beautiful and smart and how lucky you are to be with them each day.

Happy Sunday to you all!

Ladybug

What We Don't See

I just finished writing an email to a friend and fellow Blogger whom I think quite a lot of. Reading their words really caused me to stop for a moment and think about what we don't see in people.

We rush through our days, so busy...on to the next item on our list. When we meet people, we are so busy and just take them at face presentation. Rarely do we take the time to look deeper, to pause for a moment and take in the fullness of the person.

So many Bloggers and friends have reached out to me with stories from their personal lives that have changed me forever - you have changed me and left an imprint on my heart.

Last year when I started Blogging, I had no idea of the valuable relationships I would form with a group of wonderful people.

Even though we have never met, I want each of you that I correspond with to know how much your words of encouragement have meant to me, and how much showing me what most people don't get to see has changed my life.

It has made me more aware, more tender in my heart to my friends, and more available to look past the persona of someone into the person.

For those of you who read this and know what I mean....thank you for entrusting a part of yourselves with me. Thank you for the friendship, and thank you for shaping my heart. Thank you for trusting your personal stories with me and for reminding me of "What we don't see" in others.

For those of you who read here, I hope that you too will take a moment this week and be there for someone else. We cannot imagine what is going on with the person next to us, their smile might just be hiding a world of pain.

Let's all be still for a moment and really begin to absorb what is all around us. Be emotionally safe for someone, be a pillar of strength, be a calm and safe spot in a crazy world.

Love,
Mellissa

Friends

These are my two best friends Angela and Kerri. They are amazing and fun and lovely. This weekend will be about celebrating my friendships and nurturing my life a little here in the city.

You see, my garden needed tending, and my mind needed clarity and my heart needed to laugh and spend time and show these women how much I love them, not to mention how much I have missed them and our crazy times.

Ladies - lots of plans were made for the weekend and I am excited. The weather should be great for a day in Piedmont Park having fun and eating Oysters and Crawfish (Angie is from Louisiana) and an evening in a cute Crescent City Cafe ;-) Sunday movie and massage day at the spa is just going to be bliss out and laughing the hours away will be the cherry on my sundae!!

You guys are just the best.....and Jamie, not to leave you out in any way....I will see you today at LUNCH!!

xoxo,
Mel

Celtic Woman

On April 11th I will be in for a very special treat. As you all know, I really love live music and concerts so to discover that Celtic Woman was going to play at the Fox Theater in Atlanta was a no-brainer. It was especially great timing as Jim and I had just been discussing the fact that he saw a program about them on Saturday night.

So, tickets purchased and now just waiting. If you have never heard them, clink the link and have a listen. They are certainly Irish Angels come down for our mortal entertainment ;-)

I am so happy to live in a city like Atlanta where there is so much to offer culturally.....and so many trees and flowers to soothe us along in our days.

Hmmm

If you are driving in the car with your 12 year old daughter and she says "Dad, your such a player", do not repeat that into the phone to the woman you are dating o.k.

If you are looking at baby clothes in a store and you're oohing and ahhing and your mother skips you completely and says to your 17 year old niece that one day we will be picking out clothes for her children just like we did for her....um, it is o.k. to get a little miffed and do the "what about ME" whine.

If it is 7:49 a.m. and you are still sitting on the bed in your pajama's drinking coffee and blogging....get off your BUTT and get in the shower....

Off to start my day!!

Bug

p.s. SK, I am thinking of you today! All will be well!!

Here's To Great Evenings

Saturday night in Atlanta, what a great evening. I had the opportunity to meet some of Jim's family and friends this weekend - what great people. I don't think I have laughed so much in my life.

We had dinner together at One Midtown Kitchen, followed by some salsa dancing at Loca Luna and sleep did not find us until 4 a.m.!!

Here are some other random photographs from the evening as well.

The Upper Hand

I hate it when I think someone has the upper hand on me. I don't like feeling vulnerable to another person. It is something that gets on my skin like poison oak and feels runny and infected. I feel cleaner on my own.

Control has long been an issue with me. I want to relax, to submit to the will of the other person, to be giving and selfless - but then the upper hand thing starts. I feel the imbalance of superiority in the words and actions of the other person and I become like a porcupine again, bristling in defense so you can get near me.

I am discovering my love/hate relationship with new. I prefer old - tried and true. The sweatshirt you reach for time and time again. Not only when it is cold outside, but also the times when you just need something soft and fluffy to swaddle you. I know that even old favorites were new at one time - I just wish I didn't have so many new things all at once in my life, new job, new life, new man. I long for someone who just knows me without a lot of explanation. I dread walking through the minefield of new relationships.

The vulnerability I feel makes me more reactive and don't even ask me about the whole "new" way of dating online and why men tend to keep logging on to see "what else" is out there. Call me old fashioned, but volume in dating is easy, true connection is not. I could have a date every night of the week if I just wanted to keep looking for next. See, I chose to go with the connection and now am truly exposed and scared to death - wanting to just run away from the potential of hurt in my life that I have no room for.

I long for the days when I just knew! I was too young to not know any better. My heart was fresh and had not been bounced around and dented. I was just loved and open and free to speak without thinking too much.
Everything was lighter. I was lighter.

Closing Doors / Opening Windows

In our relationships with each other we sometimes face a "closed" door.  We seldom question why it is closed to us, choosing instead to go around and break a window to get in. To make sure we have our say or impose our ideals.

We must remember that personal space is of the utmost importance. Catharsis and healing sometimes needs to happen alone. The words and exchanges need a break and to be held in trust just for each other for when the timing is right. 

I believe that we have all wronged or have been wronged by another.  Sometimes without even knowing it. 

If the door is closed, be patient don't just go straight to the window and break the glass before checking to see if the door is really locked? Just lift the handle, if it resists, it could be because no one has tried opening it in a long time.  No need to cause damage, just push a little and see if it budges.  If it does, give a little knock and maybe have some flowers in your hand.....and an I'm sorry on your lips.

A Sheltering Tree

I heard recently that friendship is like a sheltering tree. What a beautiful image that is! Can you visualize the tree that is you in friendship?

I want to be one of those large oak trees that sit in the middle of an expanse of grassy field filled with flowers, the tree that makes you want to take off your shoes and make your way to it on a summer day.

I want the branches of my friendship to extend far beyond my trunk, offering shade during the hottest parts of the day, knowing my roots are deep enough to support me, and in turn, them.

If friendship is like a sheltering tree. Who's branches do you take rest under? Who takes rest under yours? I hope this will cause you to reach out to a friend today, perhaps someone that you haven't been there for as much as you should have, or someone who you have hurt by careless words or action.

I know who I am calling right now, and she is really an important woman in my life whom I miss very much.

Mellissa

A New Day

Good morning everyone,

I am sitting in the middle of the bed finishing my coffee and avoiding the day for as long as possible - Maggie is curled up at my feet in a little circle that makes her look like a cat - sleeping soundly.

All is quiet in the house except for the clickety clack of my fingernails on the keyboard and the hum of the computer across the room. I was just watching the light change out the window and thinking, like you all know I do too much sometimes, when the sweetest fragrance wrapped around me, coming from my shoulder or my neck, or perhaps my cheek. It is his fragrance, the small bit of him that he leaves behind from the morning embraces he gives me many times before heading out the door for work.

You see, he lingers on my hands from holding, my lips from kissing, my spirit from laughing and my heart from beginning to feel something.....something that I can't put my finger on. I remember when we first began dating he would call and say that he could still smell me on his clothes, that I lingered on him. Now it is he that lingers on me.

Yesterday I painted his guest bathroom and fixed it the way he has been wanting it for who knows how long, and it was such a pleasure to do - as a way to repay him, to thank him for reminding me that it IS a new day - and this IS a new beginning. He starts and ends each of my days with so much care and happiness and laughter.

I can honestly tell you all that I haven't been this happy and content in over 4 years and I haven't laughed this much since I don't know when. It's a new day today -and I am going to share it with someone really special, someone that is lingering on me.

Love,
Ladybug

Coming Home

Good morning,

It is Sunday at 7:30 a.m. and I am sitting on my bed in our villa at Callaway Gardens in Pine Mountain, Georgia.

There is so much on my mind and in my heart lately and I came to this retreat with my girlfriends to take joy, ride bikes and try to just be - and enjoy the company of over 400 other women who love the Lord as much as I do.

The familiar theme of letting go and casting burdens was discussed again - looks like I cannot escape that one as God is reaching out to me in a lot of places with this message. It makes me laugh at the you can run but not hide attage.

I have some homework to do, but I am trying to be faithful to my course and to remember what is real in my life and what is the truth that was placed in front of me.

Wow

I have so many things bunking around up in my head - so I am just going to write a lot of words in an effort to let it go and move on with my day.

I miss you.
Women are complicated in a group.
Angie is sad.
I don't have to like everyone.
You are an immature and false.
Life is beautiful.
People see right through you.
I am in a beautiful place.
How long before she sees that side?
I am missing pieces.
I wonder about us.
I daydream about you.
I wish the comments would stop.
I am not reaching out.
Your words hurt me, they hurt.
But your words seen (and unseen) are truth.
I am lucky.
God is gracious.
I am growing in him each day.
He is my strength.
I love the light of him in me.
I am human.
Can you see me for me?
Please let go and be real.
Thank you all for the emails you sent me - WOW.
This life is a blessing.
Remember to pray and reflect.
Be genuine.
Don't leave.
Let others have their story.
Tell me your story and I will tell you mine.
Pray for me.
I am looking in your direction.
You have the most beautiful upper lip.
I love the way you hold me.
I am wishing for Spring after a long Winter.
I love who I am, warts and all.
I am happy to know who I am.
I will slow down and walk beside you.
I love your tea - the best!
I want to let God use me.
I am greatful and thinking of Karen ;-)
Life matters more because of you.
I am going home today.
God is going with me.

Thanks for reading along. Time for a shower and the rest of my day.

Mellissa

Perpetual Victim

Why is it that some people play the perpetual victim? Is it easier to point fingers at everyone around you, or to just sit down, point the finger at yourself and say "I am responsible for this".

If your history repeats itself time and time again, perhaps you need to look at the source of the problem. If you see that you are the common denominator, take steps to be accountable for that and be honest with yourself and others.

I think it is so easy to say "they" did this to me or "they" caused me to be broken, etc. This works well on strangers and the unsuspecting - for a while. Then it all catches up with you as people connect the dots that spell out "Perpetual Victim" and shake their heads.

I am so glad that I can say I made some bad choices, that I own. No one "did" this to me. I did it to myself. No one needs to come and rescue me from my burning house. I am strong, and able to walk away from that fire using my own strength and health. I am not a victim. I am a survivor.

So no more gushy posts about my past or looking backwards. If you could see the amazing view before me you would understand why.

Inventory taken, closets and drawers cleaned - and I am in a good space. Have a great weekend everyone and I will see you back next week!

Mellissa

Just Being

It did not have to be anything, yet it was. It was just being - it was not re-hashing, it was not evaluating it was not creating a paradigm for the future.

It was just needing to touch and to hold and to have dinner and be first person singular. I think that it was mutual consent at its finest.

Now it is onwards. I don't know where from here - but God promises us another day of hope and learning. I know I have gained a better understanding of life, and myself, and others. We all dream and walk at different paces. I am just glad we meet up at checkpoints along the way.

Thank you all for the love and care you give!!

Mellissa

Simplicity

That is what it is. There is no second-guessing with us. The words just move to and from with no infraction or investigation of inflection. It is just so simple don't you think.

Last night you used the "g" word, but I don't think you noticed it slip out. It was the last thing I thought of as I pulled the blanket up closer and drifted off to sleep. It was just simplicity.

Sort of like life in the country....so close to town, yet a world away from that glaring bright light. I came here for simplicity and rest and happiness.....thank you for letting me stay awhile.

Put It In A Suitcase

I was in church yesterday, listening to a sermon about letting go and forgiveness and moving on. I was sitting next to a man who knew also exactly that the message was aimed at our pew (and I am sure many others). We were asked to write down the past hurts from a relationship or things we were holding onto in our lives. After writing, we brought up our private information and put it in a suitcase which was zipped and rolled away; a symbol of the removal of them from our lives if we truly let go.

I knew there would be a few more steps in my letting go. A couple of phone calls and hard swallows helped us get through it and let it go. When I hung up the phone for the last time I felt the release as I knew the baggage was carried away. I turned and headed into the house and to the arms of someone who mattered more to me than the hurt I was hanging onto.

Everyone, meet Jim - he is the one you have been reading about cryptically on my posts of late. He is a mountain among men. He has a quiet strength and resolve to him. He is a Godly man and so loving. He reminded me of what normal feels like, he has returned laughter to my life and peace to my heart. He is a father of two who understands the loss of a long marriage, the trials of letting go of a toxic relationship and the strength it takes to release yesterday and embrace today.

Today is the day that is new, he is the man who gives me butterflies and magic. He is the man who helped me bridge the chasm. He is amazing. I am not sure where we are walking in the grand scheme of things, but I am grateful that he is walking beside me right now with hands strong enough to hold me yet gentle enough not to hurt me.

Sunset

It is sunset, can you see it?
Although the night is near,
the colors are warm and comforting.

It is sunset, can you feel it?
Although darkness is making its way
it is a reminder that the sun will come again tomorrow.

It is sunset, can you hear it?
The quiet of the ending of one day
but not the ending of all those ahead.

It is sunset, won't you take my hand?
And sit in friendship past the brilliant colors
Into the cooling night ahead.
It will be sunrise again soon....

HJR

I just want to say thank you, for the little things that are so unexpected and unfamiliar to me. Driving 20 minutes to ensure that I will have my coffee, checking my tires because you don't want me to drive home in any peril. Never letting me pull out my wallet, insisting on even the smallest purchases being covered by you and not letting me wiggle when you mean you are doing something.

Thank you for listening to me..for really listening to the words I speak from my heart and for understanding where I am and supporting me and being completely o.k. with my honesty. You are the pillar of support for me in these days of confusion and hurt. We really are the mirror of each other.

I just want to say thank you, for the "little" things which to me are the very biggest things of all. You go out of your way to ensure my comfort and happiness and it really means the world to me.

M

The Last Few Steps

Sometimes right before we leave, pulling away into the night, we have to stop and re-trace those last few steps.

On the other side, sometimes before we lock the door we have to open it again for a moment and step back towards that connection.

Sometimes, those moments coincide and magic happens.

Hanging On To Every Word

I was thinking this morning about why we hang on to things that are no longer of use to us or give us comfort or have outlived usefulness in our lives. Why do we feel it necessary to keep things in order to re-visit or to remind ourselves of what was the truth, or who a person really was?

Are we so untrusting of ourselves and our memory that we need to have a dead sea scroll of the past events, recorded for posterity and clarity? I believe hindsight is 20/20 and there are rose colored glasses that we put on when looking behind us at what was.

It is precisely those glasses that distort our vision of things far away from us now. Keeping the scrolls allows us to look at things up close again - and see them for what they really were. It keeps the truth in full-focus.

Happy post Valentines Day everyone!

Mellissa

Life Is Like A Box of Chocolate......Covered Cherries!

Chocolate covered cherries are one of my most favorite things in the whole world and have been given to me each birthday and Christmas since I was ten years old.

This is the first time they have been given to me in celebration of another holiday and it made me very happy.

Joy really is in the little things. Thank you.....

Mellissa

Oh Those Hiccups

Man, I am sooo tired today. Got myself a case of the hiccups and was up with it till 2 a.m. They started off kind of slow around 11 p.m. and just increased until I was so tired I nodded off in the big feather bed. Funny how those hiccups sneak up on you like that!

Off to work with a very large coffee in hand and a small set of luggage under my eyes. Bonne voyage....... ;-) ((snicker))

Ladybug

MOLASSES

Well see - I had this whole mental rant about Molasses going on in my head and was going to apply it in a most smarty pants kind of way to amuse myself, but then I saw this little factoid....

A famous incident involving molasses was the Boston Molasses Disaster on January 15, 1919, in which a large molasses storage tank burst and flooded a neighborhood of Boston, killing 21 and injuring 150.

O.k. that is sooo not funny - but somehow it made me laugh out loud and forget about my rant. I mean can you imagine telling the story about how Uncle Rahbet (Boston accent) died in the Boston Molasses Disaster without cracking up.

I digress - so I will move on with my day. Take care and have a good weekend all!

Mellissa

Petit Vert

There are days when we sit and look around us and everything is monochromatic, mundane, and average. We don't see the magnificence that is right in front of us - or the brilliant shades of color trying to catch our eye.

Take a look around your life today with a set of new eyes - or just focus down a level and find the beauty in something small - it really does make all the difference in the world.

Holding Up A Little Mirror

I cannot imagine what it must be like, the pride one must feel when looking at their child. Especially when the child is a mirror image of your own face. I met someone recently that was the exact replica of their father. It was such an amazing likeness that I am still pondering on it in amazement.

I just keep thinking about the wonder of looking across the room into a mirror of yourself. Sometimes it is physical, sometimes it is the actions that are the same, but I gotta tell you - I think that would be about the best confirmation and the biggest release of love ever felt.

I know you parents out there get tired and have to deal with little attitudes and messes and financial stuff and fears and a bag load of stuff....but when it all feels like too much - think of my words, and look across the room into that little mirror of yourself....and say "thank you"....God gave you the greatest gift he could. Lucky you!

Ladybug

Flashbacks

There was a thin gold chain and vision that worked well up close, but not far away. There was one foot, then two and of course shoulders and an elbow that needed tending. There was a mark left, or was it two? There was a lack of patience in general as gifts were exchanged - they both really liked what the other gave them and said so in simple words and sweeping gestures.

The day melded with Cub scouts and a cheerleader who gives a great hug, a little playhouse on the church grounds, some bar-b-q with slaw and a story about the long walk to school and a first love.

There was a spot up high where the stars were playing hide and seek with those who bore witness to the game. For a moment high school was back in the forefront and the songs that played were like old friends stopping by to say hello.

Dark chocolate and coconut, being honest and just spending time - it was a perfect Saturday. The real kind....and did I mention those gifts...thank you...

Mellissa

The Same Today

I remember when I was five years old and a kindergarten student at Hobe Sound Bible Academy in Florida where I grew up. My teacher was Mrs. Marjorie Brown and I loved her like my own mother. She has remained a constant force in the back of my mind and was one of the models of love and learning in my life. She taught me to read sentences and form my letters, big and small and gave me my first Beeka book – it had an owl on the cover. I loved that time in my life. I was a tall girl, even for five years old and wore my hair in two braids. I think I was the child who was the helper, even back then.

One day, my brother Samuel, who is three years older than me, forgot his lunch in the car when my mother dropped us off for school. I remember him saying it out loud when she pulled away. We were ushered to our classrooms, mine far away from his, as the kindergarten was housed in the chapel area about a half-mile from the main campus of the Bible College. By the time I arrived to my classroom, the weight of thinking that my brother would not eat that day was too heavy for a little girl to carry and I was crying inconsolably. I was too young to know that lunch could come from other sources than my mother and that my brother would be fed from the cafeteria that day with the other third graders. I explained the situation to Mrs. Brown through my crocodile tears and shaking shoulders. I loved my brother so much and could not go on with the day until I knew that he would have food. I told her that I needed to go to him, to share my lunch with him so that we would not go without.

Mrs. Brown walked with me the half-mile to his classroom, comforting me each step of the way with assurances that we would help him and that all would be well. I needed to give him my offering in person. No messenger would do. I needed to see for myself that he would be well.

We arrived at our destination and my brother was called outside so I could share half of everything with him. When I saw him and provided enough to cover his needs the smile returned to my face and the little girl with the Laura Ingles braids could return to life again knowing that the one she loved was cared for and well.

In a lot of ways, that is exactly the person I am today. Not only to my brother, whom I still love with an amazing clarity, but to others. It was said somewhere that I love with conditions, and that is partly true, we are human after all, are we not? However, my only condition for love is that it be returned to me and that it be cared for by those I entrust it to. I love that God made me with a tender heart and a soft spirit. I also love that he made me with a backbone and has taught me through his words that love is patient, love is kind, love flaunts not itself and is not puffed up.

I try to carry that into my relationships with others and I pride myself on the way I conduct myself with honor and fidelity and compassion to those I love. I try to put myself last in the face of the needs of others – after all, I am blessed far more than I deserve to be. God has provided amazing blessings in my life and I am going to hold on to that, hold my head high and never hide my light under a bush! I am an amazing woman, full of love and compassion and good will to others. I am a catch, I realize my worth, and I thank God for making me this person. I am proud to say it out loud, because it is through God’s grace that I am this woman – he made me in his image and I am blown away by his love for me and for thinking enough of me to give me the special gifts I possess.

Third Time's' a Charm

Isn't it fun to be smitten??
I smile to myself
As the words become written.

Guess all you want
Call me a tease...
Tell me to spill it...
It won't help...
Or will it??

No, I think not
I'll just let you sit
And think on my words
While I smile on for a bit....

If I Could

If I could find the words I would say them to you.
But how well I think you know this already.
If I could find the time I would spend it with you.
Holding hands and walking among the trees.

If I could fly I would circle the clouds around you.
And dream a thousand dreams of life beside you.
Waking only for a kiss and to feel you there again.
But how well I think you know this already.

If I could control time I would slow it.
And turn it back to warmer days.
When daylight lingered to dance longer
With the approaching nightfall.

Oh, If only I could....
But how well I think you know this already.

Future Prescription and The Bachelor

It is Monday night - YES, you KNOW what that means.....I will get to see the Bachelor in Paris in all its 2 hours of splendor and catty women with fake intentions. Yipee!! It is raining and I have just put a Stouffer's French Bread Pizza in the oven and made Maggie some ground beef and rice for dinner and we are hanging in our kitchen together being cozy and happy.

O.K. Now I gotta share. I have four brands of jeans that I am pretty ga-ga over and feel have the best fit, etc. I have tried the more reasonable approach like GAP, Old Navy, Levis, etc. but no go!! My fav's are Citizen's of Humanity, Big Star, Christopher Blue and Future Prescription.

So tonight I am digging around in Filene's Basement (a discount store) and lo and behold - THE SCORE. I find FRx (Future Prescription) for $39.99 - people that is 5 times less than the store price!!! So I am like running to the dressing room with my little cuties in hand and I strip down ready for the ah-ha moment that will preclude me buying like 6 pairs in a wave of retail therapy...and then I get to the pull the jeans over your butt moment and something feels really weird....what the....hmmm what is in the pants I am thinking as I put my hand down the backside of the jeans.....it is like this weird split girdle butt pad thingy in built into the pants. I am really freaked by this, not to mention dissapointed in general. So I go back out and look at all the pants they have and sure enough - they all have this "miracle" hiney in them. It is this contraption that is supposed to lift and separate and give you like a J-Lo booty. I have a momentary panic - that like padded bras (yuck) padded jeans will be the wave of the future!!!! Then I realize with great relief - that is why they were $39.99 - it was a fashion NO NO!!

Anyway, all my hopes and dreams of my big jean score in the sky were dashed forever. So If I want my jeans and my own butt in the back - I am still going to have to pay full retail and that is the disappointment of my week!!

I know - really pitiful post - but hey, it's my life people!!! 30 Minutes left until I go to Paris to see my boyfriend ;-)

Ladybug

Me & Maggie

Me and my little girl bud are back in Atlanta for the week. I have been spending most of the last three weeks or so out in the country at Jim's house and only driving into the city for appointments, etc.

But now I am back in the city in my town home and Maggie is back on a leash for walks and it just doesn't feel as good.

The house does not smell so much like me. It is annoyed that I have abandoned it so it is giving off a little musty "attitude."

I woke up this morning and felt that the light doesn't filter in quite the same way as it does when all there is around you are trees and expansive sky and windows that soar from floor to ceiling.

I woke up this morning and watched Maggie chase after a squirrel, feeling her "country dog" roots for a a bit before realizing that I needed to get her quickly before she was in any danger of going towards the street. We both had forgotten for a moment and I watched the bounce leave her step as she agreed to accept the sound of the long black leash clicking on her collar again, limiting the distance in which she could express her joy of being outside.

My niece will arrive on Thursday from our home in Florida and will spend Spring Break with her Grandmother in North Carolina, relaxing around the lake and learning to sew. I am in town to greet her at the airport with Mother and to spend some time with them and I am soo looking forward to our weekend together in town as there is so much to do and to see in the city, and Spring is flirting with us, showing just enough to entice us to want more.

I am not sure when I will find my way back to the country, but I know that I will miss it, and the man that owns that little piece of heaven.

Love,
Mellissa

Little Rays of Light

It is Sunday afternoon in Atlanta and the skies are blue and the sun is shining. Maggie is outside chewing her new bone and I have just returned home from teaching....

Today I spent an hour with 4 little rays of light. Sebastain, Tobi, Will and Jack (O'lantern) and we learned about using our resources to do the best we can each day. We talked and sang and danced and hugs were freely given to the teacher :-) Tobi had to sit on my lap and hold me and play with my jewelry and Jack kept beaming his toothless grin as we sang Your Love is Deep (my favorite) and learned lessons about doing the best you can with what is available to you.

I have had a wonderful weekend, filled with friends and laughter and support. Kendra, Allison, Jamie, Kerri, Angie, Kimberley - what a group of fun. Forging new friendships and nurturing deeper relationships with a few of these women is my joy right now. It is good to have girlfriends again and to meet up and laugh away the hours together, comparing notes, telling stories and being supportive of our individual needs.

My conversations of the weekend were confirmed to me today through teaching. You see - I am using my resources to do the best I can today. I feel blessed and light and on the road again. I know there will be twists and turns along the way, but I have found my resources again and am walking with a loving Father who watches over me.

This day is a blessing. I hope your Sunday is wonderful as well!

Ladybug

Would You Reach for Me?

I really am at the end of my tether. I am at my breaking point and I don't know what to do. I am so tired.

I am so lonely right now you have no idea. Unfortunately it is not something that can be helped or avoided or sugar coated. I am hurting. I am tearful, I feel very foolish and stupid in general. I am embarrassed at tying to be somewhere where I was not wanted. The weight of this is larger than I though and the pain is much wider - I keep trying to get my arms around it but I cant.

So no rah-rah- post from me today. I just don't have any goodness inside of me. Being violently ill and alone with no one to help you took the last of it. I wondered to myself. Would you reach for me. And in the back of my head I knew the answer. No, because I just don't matter - and I never did.

Would You Reach for Me

I really am at the end of my tether. I am at my breaking point and I don't know what to do. I am so tired.

I am so lonely right now you have no idea. Unfortunately it is not something that can be helped or avoided or sugar coated. I am hurting. I am tearful, I feel very foolish and stupid in general. I am embarrassed at tying to be somewhere where I was not wanted. The weight of this is larger than I though and the pain is much wider - I keep trying to get my arms around it but I cant.

So no rah-rah- post from me today. I just don't have any goodness inside of me. Being violently ill and alone with no one to help you took the last of it. I wondered to myself. Would you reach for me. And in the back of my head I knew the answer. No, because I just don't matter - and I never did.

Lights

I was sitting on my back deck tonight, talking with a friend of mine, when the timer of my motion light expired.  Just as I was thinking about how I was now sitting in complete darkness, my eyes adjusted to the flicker of a hundred fireflies.

Isn't that just like life sometimes? Too much bright light or white noise covers or drowns out something special we were meant to hear or see.

I'm so glad the light went out.

Lights

I was sitting on my back deck tonight, talking with a friend of mine when the timer of my motion light expired. Just as I was thinking about how I was now sitting in complete darkness, my eyes adjusted to the flicker of a hundred fireflies.

Isn't that just like life sometimes. Too much bright light or white noise covers or drowns out something special we were meant to hear or see.

I'm so glad the light went out.

Soundly Sleeping

As you can see, there is a small "dog love" pattern in my blogging right now. I guess it is because I am a bit lonely these days and Maggie is such a cute, loving little companion.

But here is another picture of her - snuggled up on my new "wubbie" from Barefoot Dreams that I got for Christmas from my mother.  It was intended for my spare room, as guests should be the most comfortable when staying at my home...however, I think this is ALL mine as it is the softest thing I have ever felt in my life....Maggie thinks so to.  I see a "wubbie" power struggle ensuing soon.  Last night I slept on top of my quilt with just this covering me and it was the best sleep I have had in days.

We Are Home

Well, Mags and I have arrived back to Atlanta safe and sound. The dryer is humming along and the skies are so amazingly blue!!!

I thought I would post a couple of pictures from our trip home for you (and for me).....

First order of business is Maggie - we were heading up the mountain drive to my parents cottage, Maggie likes to hang her head out of the window as far as possible....to take in all the smells and fresh mountain air! Notice her head is resting on the side-view mirror!!

The picture on the left means a lot to me personally. It is a constant reminder of how far in life we come. When my mother was a little girl, her mother used to pick beans in this field. My MawMaw was such a hard worker who did the very best she could in life. She would bring my mother and her two youger siblings along (there were 7 children in all ) while she picked beans all day. My mother would watch her sister Diane and her brother James on a blanket at the end of the bean row while her mother worked to provide for them all. Each time I pass by here, I remember that and feel so blessed for the beautiful life she has now. We went shopping together yesterday and I asked her to tell me the story again as we passed by those never ending fields, now fallow.

And here is Winston, the sweetest dog in the whole world, enjoying a little time on the rug as he welcomed Maggie home again. Notice all of the beautiful packages under the tree. Mom sure knows how to indulge those she cares for :-) Lucky me!!

As you all know, or might not, Ladybug is my nickname - and my collection of "namesake" cuties keeps growing. This is a little handmade glass "bug" from my mom and dad.

Maggie got a special gift as well - I guess my mom and dad think their "Granddog" is a Princess.....as does everyone who meets her!!

My gift to my mom was some art for her dining room that reminded me so much of her beautiful flowers that when seen in the spring time bring lots of ooooh's and aaaah's! She is a master gardener for sure!

And last but not least - one night when everyone had gone to sleep, I was in my room looking through photo albums of times past - and I cam across a very special picture. It is me in my younger days with my two neices - at Christmas. They were so little then. It is hard to believe they are teenagers now. If you read a few posts down, you will see them now - all grown up!!

So even though I am home now, my heart is still in North Carolina where there is so much love and so many great memories. To Mom and Dad. THANK YOU for everything you did to make this Christmas one of the lovliest I can ever remember. You are the best parents in the whole world and I love you both so very much!!

Ladybug

Sometimes

Sometimes we just need someone to snuggle with. We want someone who is the most like us. We just want to throw our arm around them and put life on the back burner and cozy up for a while. No words are needed, just closeness and companionship. For Maggie, it is her teddybear Milo. For me....., well let's just say there are a lot of pillows on the bed and a world of hope.

Ladybug

Sometimes

Sometimes we just need someone to snuggle with. We want someone who is the most like us. We just want to throw our arm around them and put life on the back burner and cozy up for a while. No words are needed, just closeness and companionship. For Maggie, it is her teddybear Milo. For me....., well let's just say there are a lot of pillows on the bed and a world of hope.

Ladybug

When It All Looks Different

The last time I walked the road around the lake it was warm and perfect. You were skipping rocks and we were all talking and enjoying the coming sunset. There was July weather and geese swimming in lazy patterns, dogs happily running along gravel sniffing and wagging.

It is much different now. We still walk the lake road in the evening, but you are not there, no rocks slide along the icy surface of the lake. There is December weather and ducks are in marshes waiting out the winter months the geese have flown further south, and the puppies are hurriedly making their way toward the warmth of home.

It is funny though, because as I was pulling my scarf a little tighter around my neck, I could still, so perfectly, make out the way you looked that day and the peace that was on your face and the happiness as the rocks skipped again and again. It made me long to be back in July and for just a moment I closed my eyes and went back there again……

Merry Christmas

I wanted to write each of you that are linked to me a card, but alas I do not have all of your email addresses so I decided to write this to you instead and hope you see it before Christmas.

What a wonderful year it has been. I have grown so much and come so far from the place I was this time last year. Tomorrow morning I will head to North Carolina to be with my mother and dad for Christmas. Mom has decorated the house and has presents to the high heavens - even for Maggie. I know there will be a dusting of snow on the ground and Winston, my parents Collie will bound around the gate to greet us when we arrive.

The inside of the house will be filled with good smells and beautiful arrangements of flowers and something special sitting on the bedside table in my room - just like always. Family pictures will be looked at with freshness and love and mom will be there, ever attentive, with a warm blanket if I look a bit chilled, offers of something wonderful from her kitchen or hugs for no reason at all. Dad will be in his workshop sanding or putting the finishing touches on something and I am sure to be greeted by him with his signature safety glasses firmly etched into his eyes, slightly covered with sawdust. His thick hands will pat me as we sway back and forth in our signature hug and he will say that he loves me and how proud he is of me.

You see, I am so fortunate to be going home, to be going to love to be living the true meaning of Christmas. I felt that stirring today and have smiled all afternoon as I prepared my gifts for them and readied my house for my departure. I am so blessed to have this. I am so lucky and loved and happy to be seeing them.

Now, for each of you:

Peter: You are my Knight in slightly rusted armor. A true gem, a talent and a comic. I hope to meet you one day. Until then, Kung Pooch and I will write to you. Now you stop reading this and go back to writing for money!!!

Patrick: You are such a sweet and wonderful person. Your kindness and gentle spirit will take you far, so keep faith and don't be so hard on yourself. You cannot live a perfect life and God does not expect you to. I hope that the coming weeks will bring you peace and excitement for this new chapter in your life. Embrace it and smile that beautiful, warm smile again.

Lori: You are my example of faith and kindness you hold my dream of simplicity and love. Your children and your husband are lucky, indeed for all the gifts that you possess and share so easily with them - and through your writing, with us. Merry Christmas my faithful friend in Kansas.

Bryce: Thank you for being my daily amusement and thought processor. I log on to you first each morning and laugh at your wit and banter. You have such a lovely heart and the protection and stability you offer your daughter is the example of a loving father. Thank you for sharing Aspen with me through her words and drawings and the photographs you share of that amazingly beautiful child.

Tara: I wish this coming year to be the best you have ever had. That you find fulfillment and true love. You are a true Southern Firecracker and so beautiful. Remember the things I wrote to you and hold tight to them. Thank you for all the sweetness and support - I sure missed getting together with you for that cookie baking - but gladly let that slip by knowing that you were enjoying a new love. I am so happy that you have that. I am praying for your mother and for your family each and every day. Please know that.

Jamie: My IM buddy. Thank you for the laughter and scheming and friendship. I hope that we will soon meet each other and look forward to continuing our friendship. I am so pleased that you are writing and so amazed at your abilities as a photographer. Very nice work talented one!

Rebecca - My shoe soul sister separated at birth. You make me long for girlfriends and wine shops and Boston and laughter. Thank you for your wonderful stories and glimpses into your past. You are the girlfriend I wished was just around the corner.

Shhhh - I wrote you privately my thoughts and repeat them in spirit here. I hope your beach vacation is long and leisurely. Can't wait to read more of your thoughtful work.

BlueSloth - The cornerstone - world class father and movie critic. You are a must read for me each and every day. If I am ever blessed with children I hope their father is JUST LIKE YOU. I am so glad that you "get it" about what is best for your children - lucky Beasties.

Cheryl - Ever present and lovely. I love to read your stories of Sweetie Pie and life in California. I want to say thank you for lovely and thoughtful emails you have written to me, always making laugh knowing that true to your "address" there is surely a Mt. Dew at your side fueling you along.

And for all of you that stop by each day. I hope that you find some goodness here and some laughs at times. This outlet for my writing has been such a gift for my creative expression. It is my scrapbook to myself. Thank you for reading along!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's to each and every one of you! God bless!

Ladybug

True To My Word

There, it is out of the house. The ornaments that represent wonderful Christmas' past are off the tree, no bows left, no snowmen or glass fish or lollipops.

Now it sits awaiting its new family. It is lighted, in the stand and ready to celebrate Christmas in a house filled with love and promise. I know it sounds silly, but I said a small prayer for the family who will receive this tree. I prayed for happiness and joy and much love to each of them in the coming year. I prayed that they would have peace and stability and that they would feel God's love all around them this Christmas.

It is funny, because in doing this, I let go a little. I feel a sense of peace now.

Mellissa

Well Finally, You Show Up

The tiny, salty drops covered my cheeks and ran across my mouth and I thought to myself "Well, finally you showed up."

My mind ran over the particulars: No happily ever after, no church pic-nics on Sunday afternoon in the park, no first Christmas, second Christmas. No children that are as tall as one and look like the other, no Rudy's or Hill Country or walking beneath the stars and geese. No holding hands or riding bikes or reading to each other or waking up at 3:45 a.m. or early morning breakfasts at the corner stop. No hikes to the rock or playing in the grass or loving at the park or sitting in the dark on a swing, just talking.

And again, the tiny, salty drops began to cover my cheeks and run across my mouth and I thought to myself "You have five minutes left of this."

Is It Natural?

Is it natural to tire of Christmas? Not the true meaning of it, but the whole production of it. You see, I am tired of "Christmas."

There is this tree sitting in my house that I want to take out to the curb and let someone who really wants it, or can't afford one of their own, to take it. Someone who has children who would be soooo excited to have one - a real one 7 feet high and shaped so perfectly.

You see, I was not into Christmas last year either, but I did the whole dog and pony show and I was miserable and pretending. After my parents went to bed I sat in my room and cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve. This year I wanted to travel away and meet my girlfriend in Zurich. Since that did not work from a timing schedule I decided to stay home. I did the tree thing and house thing and began to get excited again. Then, just one day later events changed course...

Now I am getting ready for Christmas. I am angry and hurt and did I mention angry... well I am. I don't want this tree sitting in my living room, I don't want a reminder of what I hoped would be or the deception leading up to the purchase. I don't want the pretense of jolly ol' Christmas. I want it over and gone.

Instead, I am going home. I am going to a place where I am loved and I know it is real. I will celebrate the true Christmas this year. A small gift of love for my family. Given in the right spirit and in celebration of our Christ, who is the greatest companion and love we will ever need.

You know, this "Christmas" was taken from me in a wave of deception; but maybe that is not such a bad thing. I guess I just needed some truth.

Feeling So Good

Well I can't believe it!!! I woke up this morning feeling totally rested. I am so thankful for that as it is the first time in quite a while that I felt this - it is funny because as I sit in my living room this morning I remembered what it should feel like when you wake up. It should feel like your body rested and got recovery from the day before, your eyes should focus easily and your body should not ache.

For the past 6 months or so I have been waking up feeling almost hung-over and fluish and have stayed that way until about noon when I would feel the fog lift a little. But thanks to a higher dose of medicine for the thyroid I feel so good. I know it sounds really silly, but I could cry from happiness. I am so thankful to feel this way again. It was such a burden to pretend before!!!

So Maggie and I are soon off to Lowe's to buy some bird seed and some mulch. We have a lot of little friends feeding out back (yesterday we had a Bluebird and that is a very rare sight) and we need to buy them a little Christmas present!!!

My Answers

I saw this on Karen's blog and I liked it. I actually like these posts when you guys write them. I think it helps me know you better :-)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:32 a.m. (thanks mom)
2. Diamonds, pearls, silver or sea shells? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Wedding Crashers
4. What is your favorite TV. Show? Don't have one - don't really watch t.v.
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? nothing
6. What is your middle name? Ann
7. Favorite cuisine? Bar-b-q
8. What foods do you dislike? Brussels Sprouts, liver, any organ meat (ooohhh)
9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Salt & Vinegar
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Norah Jones - Feels Like Home
11. What kind of car do you drive? BMW
12. Favorite sandwich? French dip or club
13. What characteristic do you despise? Disloyalty and insincerity
14. Favorite item of clothing? My white Nike baseball cap
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Richard Bransons Island Nekkar (but it will never happen as it is $20k per day.)
16. What color is your bathroom? Khaki
17. Where would you retire to? France
18. What was your most memorable birthday? 34 - in Germany.
19. Goal you have for yourself? Washboard abs.
20. When is your birthday? June 5
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? I am an afternoon person
22. What is your shoe size? 9.5
23. Pets? Cocker Spaniel - Maggie
24. What did you want to be when you were little? Archaeologist
25. What is your favorite candy? Andes mints
26. What is your favorite flower? Iris
27. Besides the general things like friends and family, what are you most thankful for today? That I am not crying
28. If you could choose what would be your last words on earth, what would they be? I really loved as best I could, I tried my best everyday and I hope you will remember that I was steadfast and loyal. Please take care of Maggie for me.

The Hawk and the Sparrow

As I was driving to the car wash this afternoon, I saw the most amazing sight (as I sat at the same red light three times). There were two birds circling overhead to my right. One I identified as a Hawk because the of the distinctive flying pattern and wings and the other was a Sparrow. I thought at first that they were flying in a large circle looking for food, but then I realized that they were preparing for battle in the air.

They would circle and the Hawk would play the aggressor, flying so close to the Sparrow in an attempt to intimidate her into leaving the hunting ground. Intimidation, plain and simple. What amazed me what that after three passes and near hits from Hawk, the Sparrow turned back and engaged back as the aggressor. She came in strong, she stood her ground and she fought for what was hers. The Hawk would not win this battle and she came after him so forcefully and continually that he eventually gave up in his attacks on her and flew away.

Sometimes it is the one we think will surely lose that ends up winning in the end. Survival of the most determined I guess.

It was simply an amazing sight to see. It was the best part of my day.

Ladybug