Pregnancy Stupid

How I was....fit, smart and un-stupid....

How I am...fat, happy and stupid ;-)

Have you all ever heard of the "Pregnancy Stupids"??? Well let me tell you - it is TRUE that you get a little dense during this time. I do some things that just make me wince at my own goofiness - not to mention that all of a sudden (in the last three months) I CANNOT spell. I mess up all kinds of words and for a writer, that is quite alarming!!!

Now the latest stupid....

On Friday evening, I decided to take my little man on our first date. It had been a great day, I was excited and wanted to celebrate and since I am alone, decided to take the new man in my life out on the town for dinner and a movie. The new Catherine Zeta Jones movie was playing at 7:45 p.m. - Perfect to fit my early-bird dinner and still make the movie!!

I got my ticket and my diet coke and walked into the theatre with a big grin, all ready for my movie date.....as my eyes adjusted to the theatre I realized that there were no seats and the two that I saw I was actually given dirty looks (yes, I could see them in the dark) that said "oh no fat chick, don't EVEN think about it."

So I turned and started crying (yes, I do that) little drips of disappointment. Then I was irritated at whoever was stupid enough to sell more tickets for a full theatre, or all those "sneaky people" who went to my movie instead of the one they paid for. See how nuts I am.

So I went up to the manager of the movies and asked for my money back. "The movie is full and I can't get a seat." I said to him. He replied... "No Reservation?" to which I just stood there looking at him in disbelief, saying nothing. "No Reservation?" he asked again. I said "Of course I didn't have a reservation...I just came to the movies like normal. Do you need a reservation now?" He just started laughing at me, and said.. "NO, the movie is CALLED "No Reservation", is that what movie you wanted to see?"

DUUUUUUHHHHHH

 

Yeah - I felt that stupid.....and trust me - there are a lot more stories I could tell you - but in a effort to maintain my dignity in an era where my thighs are becoming friends - I will not. Just suffice it to say that my little man better be brilliant - cause he is BOGARTING all the oxygen and I am out here in dumbsville. Oh, and if you are wondering about the two pictures. That is to remind me that I can snap back - and eventually get a Friday night date and drink a Martini.

xoxo,

Bug

It's a....

We had a perfect visit today and I saw my child for the first time. I cried and cried and could not believe how busy the baby was - moving and kicking and putting it's hands up to it's mouth. I saw the brain and the heart and the ribcage and perfect spine. I saw arms and hands and five little fingers - making a fist. I was in awe and did not expect the experience to have such a profound impact on me.

I saw a perfect little rump and long kicking legs and then we saw something else....and the sonographer asked if I wanted to know the sex of the baby.....I cried and nodded and she said I can tell you 85% that it's a.....

BOY

 

Everyone, please meet my son!!! He is perfect and I am in love!! Have a wonderful weekend all!!!

I've Decided

I woke up this morning and decided to be happy. I have wonderful friends, and people who reach out to me unexpectedly and bring a smile to my face; reminding me that I am truly cared for. I thought I would say a few thanks.

1. Mom & Dad - How did I get so lucky to have you as parents? I can only hope to emulate your example in life for my own child. You are my anchor in stormy seas and you did not chastise me when I was crying and hormonal...you just hugged me and made me feel safe against the world. To my Dad especially, I know it isn't easy to see me struggle right now, but thank you for comforting me in the ways you know how. I see why mom loves you so much. You are the master protector.

2. To Daniel - Thank you for just listening to me and allowing me to open up my heart. Thank you for understanding how I think and for being there and offering support if I need it. Just to have you say it helped me feel I would be o.k. until I am back up and running at full speed!!!

2. Angie - From day one you encouraged me and smiled and you were EXCITED for me and said it would be o.k. . Thank you for the laughs and the lunches and the emails and text messages just to check in and let me know you are thinking about me. You are a great friend and I miss seeing you.

3. Pascale - The most modern thinker who allows me to be traditional. Thank you for bolstering who I am and re-enforcing my decision when I did not know where to turn or what to do. Your voice on the phone gave me the encouragement I needed the day I felt I couldn't go on a moment longer in this scenario. You were the first to know about the Baby, you are always my first call - and my best friend. Thank you.

4. Isabel - Madrid is so far away and I will miss your wedding in France next week - but you will return home soon enough and we will raise our children together. I look forward to that!! Thanks for the laughs and sharing the mommy bond with me.

5. Jamie - You can't know how much your invitation to dinner last Friday night meant to me. I had been home crying and feeling really sad when you pinged me to meet you for supper. Thank you for treating me to dinner, and for being such a good friend to me. You are a gem.

6. Osbasso -  From sending me flowers on my birthday from so far away to emailing me just to say hello and make me smile. You are always a bright spot in my day - and in my life.

To everyone else who has written to congratulate and who cheers me on. Thank you too!! I look forward to these happy days ahead. I have a big appointment for the baby tomorrow - I get to see her (?) and hear her heartbeat for the first time. I am really excited for that moment. Please say a little prayer for us that all will be well and we hear a LOUD and healthy heartbeat fill the room.

Love,
Mellissa

I Did It

I am in a place where I never thought I would be. I really need to write about how I am feeling and get it out of me. I know it will rebuild inside of me again, like steam and when I fear that I will split wide open from the pressure, I will simply write again and let it out.

I have been an absolute mess for two months. Since I discovered I was pregnant, I think I have had about 10 o.k. days. The rest I am just surviving. I cry off and on through the day, in private where no one can see me. Often I freak out at Greg because he wants to take things as they come and won't do the marriage or live together thing. That has sent me so far over the edge that I wander around in a state of utter panic and despair. I know I have been impossible to deal with, but somehow I continue to fight as if I can't believe he won't let me in and protect me. I give in because I am exhausted and I keep it all to myself....for a day or so and then I can't pretend anymore and blow up again.

I worry that I might hurt myself some days (don't freak out, I don't ) I mean it is just that I don't know how to keep all this up. Pregnant, no job, very little money left to cover my bills for the next month, Lab bills and Dr. bills already in the mailbox, insurance due again - typical life stuff. No help from Greg, no offer of assistance and most days even kindness.  Each thing that comes up brings an avalanche of emotion and fear. My parents have been great. They are helping me out and giving me lots of love and support, but the only one who can provide me what I need and long for is Greg.

He believes somewhere in the back of his mind that I did this on purpose, which I can assure you I did not. I would not wish this pain and uncertainty on my worst enemy. Mind you I am not talking about the baby. That is a miracle. I mean the feeling of being scared and alone and completely vulnerable. The feeling that there is someone who could extend a lifeline to you but does not. I try so hard to wrap my mind around his point of view, but I just can't and it tears at us both; the arguments becoming more desperate on my part - and he pulls away telling me he can't handle me right now and that I am childish or selfish. I admit it I am totally out of control and a complete psycho on the edge pregnant lady. But I just don't know how to get through this.

I try my best to understand that we were dating (7 months) when this happened and that although I loved him, he wasn't there yet - maybe he never would have been, I don't know - I do understand that "just because you tell me your are pregnant don't expect me to turn around and say I love you and let you move in." I understand things don't just go "poof" like magic. What I can't understand is the lack of compassion for my situation, or what I perceive to be a lack of compassion. Even my ex-boyfriend offered me a place to stay when he read my blog - and I appreciated the gesture of kindness, although it was the last thought on my mind. It did, stand in stark contrast that Greg never spoke those words of assistance to me.

Anyway, I have put this to so many people I know - asking them if it is me who is a nut, and doesn't get it, or if there is something horribly wrong with this whole scenario. Whatever it is, I have surrendered to it. It won't change and I have finally given up the fight in utter exhaustion and frustration. I cried again this afternoon when I got home and now my head hurts. I want to call Greg and I want him to help me make it better. I am not a slacker and I am not a person who tricks anyone and I would never manipulate a man for a baby. I was happy with life as it was. 

Anyway, I am just putting all my business on the street. I guess I am just so far gone that I just surrender to it all.   I admit it freely and will tell you that I am sure Greg sees this in a whole different light and he would tell you that he is right here for me (5 hours away) and is doing the right thing. Who knows what is the right answer. I just know my heart is broken and I want it to stop so I can begin to get excited about our baby.

Whenever I think of her? my heart breaks and I cry again at the thought that I have ruined her life and she will never know the comfort of having Mom & Dad home at night to give her a bath and read to her and to show her what love looks like. I wish I had her father here with me during my pregnancy. I read about pregnancy on line and dad's who are thrilled and dote on the mom and bring her a flower and rub her belly - and I cry again. I just feel like I am so unworthy, I can't imagine what I did to be unlovable.

I feel like the biggest failure of all time. I cannot believe this is my life.

Sharing

I know that many of you who read my Blog (thank you) have been wondering what the change has been with me over the last few months. I have not been posting as much, or my writing has been cryptic and out of place. Some of the things I wrote that people thought were about someone else was really about me, my feelings - fears and life.

I have experienced emotions and the depths of pain and elation over the past three months that I did not know could exist in this lifetime. I have experienced feelings of isolation and fear and also joy and overwhelming awe. I have been discriminated against with employment and had my security taken away in my ability to earn my living right now. I will re-build and find a new path to the top of the mountain - all with God's help.

You see, there is something larger - something infinitely more special with me now. It is more precious than the pain I have felt, it is larger than the fear I face, it is the gift above all gifts in this life. Rainer Rilke, I think, said it best in an excerpt from his poem....

"For one human being to love another:
that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks;
the ultimate, the last test and proof,
the work for which all other work is but preparation."
Rainer Maria Rilke

As I write this today, I do not write alone. There is a second creative force in me and I am falling in love.....and my life to this point has been preparation to accept this gift. I am going to be a mother. Three months are up, and I am pleased to share my news with you. Thank you all for the friendship and the support which always encourages and lifts me when life finds me in awkward places. I have been keeping a Blog for the Baby Bug and will post a link on the sidebar shortly. Welcome to this new chapter.

xoxo,

Bug

It Is Hard

It is hard to turn away from something you loved; to turn your back in order to survive. I had to do this yesterday in the midst of very delicate circumstances. I hate the way it feels and I woke up crying again this morning and I choke back tears as I write this now. I will not cry in a public place. There have been too many tears of late; tears of fear and of sadness and of uncertainty. There are also tears that stream down my face when I pray to God to help me find a solution to where I find myself in life.

As many of you know, I had taken a couple of months off of work to get healthy and balanced in my life, being fully prepared to return to work in July after a summer's sabbatical. I met my time frame, as I always have had the ability to work and was offered a great job which I readily accepted. For reasons that I will not go into at this time, but will share with you all very soon, that job offer was rescinded when I was honest about something to them. I was discriminated against in a blatant way, one in which if I notified the State of Georgia of what happened, I would be comfortable for quite some time, in-and-out, case closed. I promised, however, in giving them my news, that I would understand if they did not want to continue with my starting work last Monday. I have no choice but to keep my word. I will keep my word because I needed to know that I was going to work representing good people, people who would be there for me, as I would be there for them. I needed to know how they really were - and now I do.

I also realize as the days go by, finding meaningful employment in my field will be next to impossible due to my situation. I am facing reality and it scares me and leaves me completely undone. My fault completely. I will be moving out of my townhouse at the end of August as I won't have the comfort of knowing financial security right now. I plan on moving up to North Carolina with my parents for a while. I love them to death, but this just devastates me in ways I cannot relay in writing or by emotion. I know it is only temporary, but if you read back a few posts to where I talk about my home and my things, you might get a feeling of just how hard things are right now for me.

I know God has an answer for me in all of this - I sure have been asking him "why" and sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something I did at some point in my life. Then I have to calm down and remind myself once again that our God is a loving father who does not want to hurt us in any way. I have never been able to accept help from another person. I have always been fiercely independent and able to care for myself without the need of another. Now I am reliant on my parents - and I am so lucky that I have two wonderful people who will see me through and give me hugs and love me unconditionally. In this I am blessed, and I am learning that at some points we need help, and it is o.k. to accept that help with a grateful heart.

So to you - if you read this. I cannot pretend to understand for your benefit anymore. I have to make sacrifices and that means you are one that is made also. It breaks my heart - but you leave me no choice in the matter. Talk is cheap and right now I don't need lip service. I need strength, maturity and action.

To everyone else, please don't worry about me. Just know that I write from an honest place on my Blog. It is my outlet and while I am temporarily down, I am not out. DON'T feel sorry for me, you know I would HATE that. Just continue to be my friends - that matters to me the most.

I will be sharing some things as I go along, as my writing is my creative outlet and my cathartic process. I write for me, and for me alone. If "YOU" think any differently - that is not my problem, as I have bigger things to worry about than how "YOU" feel all the time.

xoxo,
Mellissa

Honor, Love, Dignity, Hope

My life over the past few months has been a Kaleidoscope of emotions and events. As each part of my new life unfolded, it seemed as though my perfectly composed colored tile path was being broken apart, and becoming a mosaic - a pattern unknown to me and lacking order. I was scared and falling apart and desperate to return to what I knew.

Piece by piece, change was taking place. I was becoming scared of this new chapter of life presenting itself to me. I was reacting, responding, running, and scared. I kept looking to another to "rescue" me from this unfamiliar place, yet no rescue came. You can read about my fears in my post about standing alone in a field. That was about a dream I was having each night when I went to sleep.

It does not matter our age in relation to our fears and insecurities over life events. We are never prepared for loss or new life or financial changes or love that does not blossom fully. What we do have though is a benevolent God. We have one who never leaves us, who when we finally turn towards shore is standing there, arms outstretched to wrap us in warmth and security.

I had the dream again last night. However it was different this time as someone was standing there. I think He had been there the whole time. I just was not focused on Him, choosing to look further out on the horizon than necessary for the help I needed.

I awoke with more resolve today, with a greater peace and a humble heart. The following words were left etched into my thoughts. Live with HONOR and don't compromise your values, continue to LOVE with an open heart as it is the greatest of all gifts, keep your DIGNITY intact, no one can undervalue your morals unless you give them the chance, and finally, keep HOPE inside your heart that tomorrow will be fulfilling and filled with Grace and love and all things according to My plan for your life.

I have a new plan in my life, a plan which I will enact with Honor, Love, Dignity and Hope. I can see the image in my mosaic now and realize that God is creating a masterpiece at my feet.

xoxo,
Mellissa

Me

I have a character flaw (or is it?) that shuts people out. I give a lot of chances to people. I give love and understanding and usually think of them first as a natural part of my character. I do and do and give and give and love and love. However, if I see a pattern of lack of concern back for my well being, or if they treat my feelings and needs with a lack of respect and understanding then I get this strange sensation inside of me when I think of them, and I know the ending is coming. 

There is usually a warning conversation, or a time when I express myself fully and see how they react with me; how they treat my heart. If the infractions continue, I simply shut my heart, and never allow them access again. I disappear from their lives with no further explanation and I never look back. 

I view loyalty and respect as paramount to those I give my love and friendship to. If I show you my heart and you reject me, or silence me, or take all and give nothing then a shift happens and I turn from you, as if we never knew each other at all.

Not A Burden To Bear

I am not a burden to bear; a decision to make; a sad ending; a question mark; a thought to ponder; a secret to keep; a cross to bear; something to be unsure of; a compromise; a source of pain for another.

I am not second place; last in line; less important in feeling and need; someone to be pushed aside and made to wait; a variable; a choice of "maybe" or "maybe not".

I am a diamond; a true soul; a gift; a warm heart and a nurturing spirit; a warm, safe place; a deep shade of red; a child of God, a special woman.

For me, this is enough and this is my truth.

Chasm

From morning till night there is a sense of isolation, the sunrise gives way to the moon and still I stand, alone. I can see for miles around me in all directions, yet no one is on the horizon; I scan it still, over and over. Hoping. The wind blows a warm breeze that hurts my skin and stings my eyes and there is no direction I can turn to provide shelter from the exposure, yet I slowly turn around over and over. Hoping.

Beginning

I am beginning to love you even though we have never met. I am beginning to feel that you truly are a part of me with each passing day and that has brought a warm smile from deep inside my heart.

I have written about you in the past and hoped for your impossible presence in my life, never dreaming that you would find me and love me for all of your days as I will love you.

What A Difference A Year Makes

Today is my 39th Birthday. It is hard to believe it has rolled around again. On this day last year, I was headed from Zurich to Barcelona, looking forward to meeting new friends and celebrating international-style. 

This year I have awakened to a very quiet house, a familiar house. I love the stillness of this morning. I woke up praying again, and not for myself. I love the simplicity of my life right now. I say that, and then I laughed a little out loud and Maggie just snorted and opened one eye and glared at me to be quiet. 

My life is actually quite complicated at the moment and will remain so for the rest of my days. I am getting my head around all that. So today as I begin to stir, I am so thankful for my life. I am thankful to have lived a beautiful year between 38 and 39 and I am thankful for the special grace God gave to me once I became comfortable just being in my own skin. I wish you all a wonderful June 5th - and all the days until the next... xoxo, Bug

Soft Boiled Egg

I am a soft boiled egg. There is a thin veneer of hardness that covers me, protecting my soft warm interior. A three minute egg is the way I describe myself. If you hold me without knowing who I am really, you might mistake me for hard boiled; like the brightly colored eggs of Easter hunts that can be dropped, and picked up undamaged save for a few cracks along the surface. 

I look the same as those resilient eggs on the surface, but I am not. If you drop me, I will break in half, spilling the contents and secrets that are contained so delicately inside the thin protective barrier I show you. 

People are often much different that we perceive them to be. Let's all remember to look closer, to be careful and to appreciate the layers contained within us all.

Today

Today is the most significant day of my life; I am alone.

Bob, Mary, Ted & Alice

There we all are. I am striding away, sweat dripping, listening to Justin Timberlake – he’s bringing sexy back and I am observing.

Bob comes in and stretches at each station, yet I never see him actually pull a weight. He visits a lot, and keeps stretching.

Mary comes along and stands at the magazine rack, earphones at the ready. She picks up Better Homes and starts reading. She eyes the treadmill and goes back to reading.

Ted is wearing workout pants from the 80’s. He lifts to impress but his form is all wrong. He is jerking weight and I think to myself that his elbows are going to snap. His triceps don’t get the benefit of his action. He increases the weight and looks around at the competition.

Alice is fast and furious, she notices no one except the blank space in front of her. Engrossed in the zone. Bones protruding and straining, she is shy and lacking confidence, determined to burn off that one apple she allowed herself today.

There are countless others to watch as well – the two ladies who come in each afternoon determined to row to China; the loud grunter that I can hear above my music. The young guns building strength for sports, the trainers who wear clothing to cover their sins while torturing others, the mom’s who walk by with toddlers wearing ballerina swim suits and water wings, the elder statesman who is determined to hold on to his health, and the runner who works the treadmill hill course while watching the news.

And again, there is me, the determined to be better girl, the one who is giving it her very best, and enjoying the cast of characters in the ensemble play called “Gym”.

How could I ever leave my YMCA for the hard core gym like Gold’s or the “look at me in my workout clothes gym like Bally’s. I need those real folks and the slice of life that fuels me on as much as Justin.

Tenderness

I wonder a little and I let myself think “what if” even if I know it isn’t. So, so tender and heavy, there is a gap that I pull closed. Maybe tomorrow for sure, I think to myself. Maybe not. I smile just a little and think “what if”?

Although I know I cannot have a child, I still dream when things get behind. I let myself have that for a moment. Then the moment passes and life returns to normal.

Normal will happen tomorrow.

Cooking Makes Me Happy

Tonight at the gym I got hungry. Bar-B-Q Chicken Calzone came to mind....

And then just like magic....dinner is cooling on the table alongside a nice Chardonnay. He he!

Tomorrow is fresh corn chowder with shrimp and a loaf of whole wheat banana bread with currants and walnuts. Cooking really does make me happy. I can't wait until the next time I go to Jackson so I can cook for Greg - and let me tell you, that man can EAT!!! The fact that he loves my cooking is one of my favorite things about him - ha ha!

Oh yeah, and thanks mom for all those years you made me get in the kitchen with you. I guess you knew what you were doing after all huh!

xoxo,
Bug

Cry Tears - Take Joy!

It is a thing which struck me as odd the second time I did it. This was the second time in six months I broke down in tears over news. Joyous news! The first time was in December. I was in Paris. We had not spoken in two years. Kim and I had drifted apart, but I still missed her and wished her well. I still miss and wonder and wish her well.

The email came to all on the address list, me included. I knew it was a mistake; a lack of deletion on a contact list. I was glad to see the email and sat in silence while reading it. She was re-creating her website, had a new URL and a pending new last name. She was getting married. I got up from the sofa and walked out onto the back balcony and looked out over the Paris skyline. The light from the Eiffel Tower spun by like a comet across the night sky. I held my glass of wine and cried. I was happy in the news, and unsettled at the same time. She had found “it”, and I was still the same. In truth I didn’t understand so much – I felt more deserving, more ready. I felt horrible for the mixed emotion and selfish sense of entitlement. It was not so much that I wanted her to “have not”; it was just that I longed to “have”. Twenty-four months to find a man who wanted, who was not afraid to say it, to hold, to ask, to create a life of two.

The second time was yesterday. I was at home listening to Debussy’s Claire De Lune; refinishing furniture. Isabel and I had not spoken in thirty days due to her move to Madrid on April 30th. Her special someone is a French man, Arnaud. She, a beautiful Latina; the new life – Madrid. They met in early October last year in San Francisco where they both lived. At the end of October I met him as well; over coffee in Los Angeles. I liked him immediately. She was still guarded and unsure.

By December she was jumpy; he wanted to spend the holidays with her. She was headed to Paris for work for a week.  I talked her off the ledge. “It is not like he asked you to meet him on Christmas Eve at the altar.” I joked. She laughed into the receiver and exhaled. “You are right, I need to just go with it and relax.” In February, she was in Paris again and another phone call came. Something was different in her voice. “I have some news” rolled off her tongue with hesitation. “Oh, ISA!!!” I knew exactly what this news must be. They were going to have a baby. 

They were moving to Madrid together. He needed her and wanted to make a life with her; and in this, they created a life, a new life in two forms. Yesterday I received an email from Arnaud with a link to their WordPress Blog outlining their new life in Madrid. One post caught my eye. It was a picture of Isabel, beautiful Isabel. The post read that if anyone wondered why he uprooted his life in San Francisco, all they had to do was look at his beautiful “Guapa”. I instantly loved him more – because of the love he has for her. Then an email from Isa came. “We are getting married in Normandy in August.

I got up from the computer, walked into my bathroom and held the sink. I cried. I cried because I miss my friend; I cried because I was happy that her dreams came true and I cried because she too had found a man who wanted, who was not afraid to say it, to hold, to ask and to create a life – for three.

 As I finish this post this morning, the tears well up again. This time – just out of joy and the realization that there are good men out there, men who want as I do, men who are not afraid to say it, to act on a good thing when a good thing is presented into their life. It is like the sunrise I guess. We somehow forget how spectacular it is, and when we witness it in all its beauty, we must pause, and let the tears come for a moment in appreciation, and the hope that each new day brings. The promise of something wonderful. I know a day can change a life. I look forward to that day. I know it will happen for me too, and in this – I take joy.

 Xoox, Bug

A Letter To My Cousin

When I was in the second grade, my parents decided to leave sunny Florida to buy a farm in Sevierville, Tennessee (think Dollywood) because my mother was way into The Mother Earth News and wanted to work the land and restore and old farm house. It was country to say the least back then. Our farm was between the road and a small house that sat behind our property. You will see that I wrote about Mr. MacMahan shooting at Ms. Hill (Dolly Parton's aunt who lived in the house behind our farm.) They had a long-standing feud and when they would get drunk they would fight, and one night, he stood at the top of our road and shot their house up. We moved right after that - my dad was put in jail for reporting it as the Sheriff was a MacMahan son. I kid you not. But all that aside, we sure did have a fun year living on that farm with our tractor and cows and hay barn. I learned to skin a rabbit from my brother. He was 9 and I was 6. Good times (well, except for the Hatfield and McCoys.)

 March, 1976 2nd grade (forgive the mistakes, I was just 6)

Machelle I do hope you can come up easter. It probbly wont snow. you wont wory abought getting your feet cold. one day we got to take are shoes off. PS did you know that Brother Baker dided, and so did pop Gerber. Are naber Mr. Mac got mad and started shooting at Miss hill, his sister and sammy doesn't like his classroom and rembrant is dowing fine but laidy isint she has a broke leg. Bossy is fat and claf's are dowing fine. I can tell you hoo are the teachers pets. hear they are.

xoxo, Bug

What do you hope to see?

I saw that you came by – you seemed to look at everything  - the labels and archives. Were you looking for you? You’re not here anymore.

I also saw that you came by too. Not sure how you found me, but I feel like you are intruding a little. You too made a choice and I don’t really feel that you need to read about my life as it is now. I am happy and that should be enough for you to know. You erased me – so let me stay that way to you now. Give that to me. Let us not linger in the past, or look back. Decisions are made for a reason.

You both chose something else. I always find it ironic that when something is in front of us we don’t realize what we have until it is gone. We don’t appreciate, and we think we have time to dally and to make up our minds later. That is not always the case. Time marches on – people move on. I have moved on, and I wish you both well. That should be enough. Want to read something? Grab a book.

Bad Mother

I was in a store today looking at sunglasses beside a cute younger girl. She was dressed well, had shiny black hair and looked to be about 15 years old. She bumped me with the sunglass stile and apologized with a shy smile, she was polite. Her mother was shopping in the store with her and must have been looking for the girl. (It is a Loehman’s, so it is not very big and you can see from one end to the other with no problems.)

When she approached her daughter who was now standing at the costume jewelry case next to me she began her verbal assault. She was mean, she was angry and she grit her teeth when speaking to her daughter. I watched, kind of stunned by her actions. She wasn’t loud by any means, but her tone was unlike anything I had heard. She practically spat her disdain. If someone spoke to me like that, I would assume they hated me. I cannot imagine my mother ever speaking to me that way, and trust me at 15 I gave her a run for her money and got taken down a notch or two many times, but never as an all out attack filled with venomous hate.

I am sure that as a teenager, she can get on nerves, and most likely at some point in their morning that girl had pushed a button or two. However, the treatment she got was just so very sad. After several hateful sentences, her mother told her to get her “ass” up to the counter and pay for her items and that she would be waiting in the car. They were affluent people, looking like they wanted for nothing materially. I couldn’t help but think the girl would trade in her Abercrombie in a second for a little love.

I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was staring at her mother, and as she looked at me when her daughter walked away I shook my head. She gave me a haughty look of arrogance – which is never a wise thing to do. I can do haughty bitch with the best of them. I had a couple of things to say to her, right there in the middle of the store. I figured if she put her business on the street for all to witness, then I could put my response on that street as well.

I told her she should be ashamed, and that she was a disappointment to her gender. I also told her that it must hurt her daughter very much to feel that her mother despises her that much. She didn’t say a word. She just stood there in shock. I told her that I didn’t feel a bit sorry for calling her out and that she just flat out lacked any class and that she was a mule in horse harness.  I turned my back on her and walked away. I could have yanked her diamond hoop earrings from the sides of her head. She is lucky that I was in a good mood. She sure could dish it out on a young one, but didn’t seem near as tough when confronted with an equal. When I turned to give her one last look, she was still standing there – naked and exposed.

She deserved it – and more.

Defending

One of the hardest feelings to experience is defending character. I can imagine how desperate those who were accused of a crime, or a lie or an action that they didn’t do must feel. The absolute feeling of desperation to have the truth about you be apparent, to have someone see enough in you to believe that you are what you say, you do what is right and you act with dignity and honor and truth.

One of the things I pride myself on most in this world is being honorable. To do the right thing is paramount; the way I was raised. I take this very, very seriously. It is a reflection on my parents, my relationship with God and my core value system. To be called into question over and over again on minor things irritates me. I feel that my actions show who I am. I will only defend myself with calmness for so long. Patience is not my strong suit, nor is having to fight to show someone that I can be trusted. I also remember everything. Conversations, time-lines, stories and words etch themselves into me.

Sometimes things don’t add up and I keep a mental record of the event that broke the sequence. I hold on to it and I watch. If the pattern repeats then I become wary. One broken sequence puts me on watch for others. While I do not judge people, I do expect complete honesty – because I give it. I go into relationships with people with complete trust. I never expect them to do wrong to me and I often find myself disappointed in that regard.  I don’t want to change that about myself. I don’t want to become so guarded that I look for things that are not there. If that means that I get hit from time to time with a hurtful truth, then so be it. I am determined to trust until I am given a reason not to, not the other way around. In that same regard, I expect to be trusted.

I am not someone from your past. Your old wrongs do not belong to me, nor will I carry the burden of proof over them. I am a very, very proud person. Not in a boasting way, but in a way that is a badge of accomplishment. I do not have to pretend to be something that I am not in this life. I have worked very hard to be accomplished, to be worthy, to be trusted, and to give with an open heart. I have absolute pride in my character. I do not have the desire or the inclination to defend myself in this life. Either you see me for who I am or you don’t. The burden is not mine prove.

Save Me From Myself

I have been "retired" for a month now "officially". I have made lists and lists of things to do and have done most of them. I have also gone through every closet and drawer in the house and organized them over and over - tightening down each time I find something that needs to be grouped with something else of it's kind. I have put cedar "flowers" on my Coats for goodness sake and put my good suits and cocktail dresses in plastic bags. Oh, and on Sunday I color-coordinated my closet and then organized it by sleeve length, pants length, etc. I have COLOR COORDINATED my closet. Somebody needs to save me from myself!!! Might be time to go back to work. How am I ever gonna last till August???

xoxo, Bug

Connecting Dots

At first I was offended that you were talking to me. You seemed obtrusive, asking questions about the spices I was looking at.  I had seen you asking another woman about the juice she was buying.   I thought you were a flirt. When you approached me, I was not kind to you. I wasn’t rude either, just on guard and polite with nothing more. Then I realized why….you are lonely.  You just want to talk to someone because mostly likely you are alone.

How well I understand this, as I am alone too and I find that I talk to people everywhere just for the conversation and connection. I laugh and cut up with people all over town. People are comfortable with me and I am amazed that each place I go people open up and we end up laughing and sometimes exchanging business cards – everyone seems to leave with a smile. It is so simple, it is connection.

When I realized that you just wanted connection to another human being, I exhaled a little and began to tease you about cooking and “back in the day”. It turns out that your name is Walter and you are 82 years old. You have a tattoo on your arm signaling that you were in the Navy. I asked you about that and you told me that you were in WWII. I was fascinated and felt humbled in respect for the life you lived. Your “sweetheart” passed on some years ago after 59 years of marriage. Alice.

Your family lives nearby, a son and two daughters. You live alone and do quite well – you look great, you walk a lot, your fit and sharp minded. I think the only thing missing is her – and so you go to the market – to connect. I am so pleased to have connected with you. I learned from you a valuable thing once again. We all need to feel a part of the collective. Walter, I do too – and together, right in the middle of the market – we were.

Thank you, and see you soon! Your new friend, Mellissa

More Bug Essentials

Writing the last post on this was fun - and I loved the responses back on the things you really like - I am actually going out to investigate Hanae Mori because I hear it is amazing - not because I need another fragrance, and for the record, I saw it at Loehmans the day before and wondered about it!! See, it's a sign.

So here are some other things I really love, use and recommend or want!! My top pick of all is the Longchamp Le Pliage bags. It is something that I can't survive without and love so much that I have purchased them for every member of my family. They are great to use for weekends away or as extra "luggage" in your luggage when you travel. You always can use them while you are out shopping, and then to carry the loot in when you are going home. I recommend the dark colors, Navy, Olive, Black for durability. Once you own one, you will own another.

Enjoy!


Mireille Guiliano - Who I'd love to be when I grow up. Tres Francaise, tres jolie!!!
Hermes Eau D'Orange Vert - It is a unisex fragrance - citrus/lime - I wear it in the summer.
Judith Ripka - John Hardy / Lagos / David Yurman don't do it for me, but Judith does.
Van Cleef & Arpels - Magic Alhambra is something I dream of owning one day...
Mary Phillips - These cards, magnets, etc. CRACK ME UP!! Put on your big girl panties rocks!
Tend Skin - Wether you shave or wax this is a MUST for summer....men can use it too.
Spanx - I left them off before, but love them under white pants!! Thx for the reminder Bec!
Joe Malone - Love it all - so does my Mom - It's her "thing".
Loccitane - The eye gel is amazing, especially for travel. I use as an eye mask when I am tired.
Lather - The lip balm is great as is the Wasabi lotion.
McCann's Steel Oats - I don't do oatmeal flakes, I really prefer the actual grain. It is amazing!!
Le Petit Francais - This bread is shipped from France flash/frozen. Try the croissant too!
Wine Pour Assist - These are ingenious little gadgets, Pascale turned me on to these. Love em'!
Dirt - Yep, it is called Dirt. Hair product from Jonathan. Makes your hair stay put!!
Longchamp - LE PLIAGE!! I have 7 in all sizes. My favorite thing on earth. They fold up!!
Garden of Life - Love this all food based vitamin. No synthetics - just food based - perfect!
Henri Bendle Candle - The most fragrant candle of all!! I use Vanilla Bean with Patchouli WOW!
Absorba - My favorite baby clothing. Details, details - quality, no rough seams..and French!! ;-)
R. Nichols designs - I am a nut for good leather and good stationery products, it's my "thing"...
Henckel knives - An investment but if you love to cook - these are the bomb!!
All Clad Stainless - See above. They can be found on sale also so no need to pay full price.
The Gourmet - This cookbook is great and a must have for me. It is now only $12 - come on!!
Stacy Boyd - These are my calling cards for summer, people remember them all the time - cute!

Indulge Travel...

Oustau De Baumaniere - If you ever go to Provence. It is magic. Micheline 4 Star restaurant - AMAZING like you have never had. Eat out and listen to the ciccada's, you will never forget it!
Hotel Dokhan - My favorite hotel in Paris hands down since 1993. You sometimes just want to stay in the room - features a beautiful Louis Vuitton Trunk Elevator. Sits in the 16th Arrondissement - Trocadero - my favorite.

Telling You - Telling Me

Sitting at the kitchen table talking is one of my favorite things about "us". Idle chatter and scheming with a dose of smart a$$ and funny threats; mock competition. We are sure set in our ways and competitive - that makes me laugh.

When I first met you I was much different than I am now. I didn't show you the simple side of me. I hadn't learned to take down the mask and show my face yet. That was December and in May I was more comfortable with me so I let you see me.

As we sat there our last morning together, I told you something about me. Something I never told anyone else - and no one else knows about me except my parents. It felt really good to trust you enough to tell you that. I liked the way you reacted. I could see you have a flash across your face that you had something personal too. Telling me was uncomfortable for you, I could see it. But it was really nothing and I don't judge people or jump to conclusions.

I am not sure really why I am writing this post, but I guess it is to tell you how much I valued Telling you, and in return you Telling me. We trusted enough, and that is a special, special thing. I am so honored that you trust "you" with me.


xoxo,
M

Bug Essentials

Michael Kors - Best blouses ever, my favorite handbags and swimsuits - I was just at his store Friday - he he!! Two bags, two blouses and the brown swimsuit came home with me ;-)
Max Studio - When I want to indulge in a great suit or dress. Their designs are so me!
Tasha Tudor - Someone who fascinates me. If you read about her she will fascinate you too!! Designhergals - Create a caricature of yourself - my calling cards!!
Pomellato - I love the Capri Line in Turquoise - one day.....
Earth Therapeutics - I love the Hydro Eye Patches
Votivo Candles - I love Sea Island Grapefruit
Gap Shorts - My summer staple - I love the "favorite chino" style
Budior Pillows - I love Leyla's pillows - have them all over the house, they make me smile!
The Tymes Limited - I love the Limon line of creams
Mac Lip Gloss - I love "Pop Mode" and "Viva Glam V"
Shutterfly - I make my own greeting cards from my photographs here.
Kerastasse - I love the Nutrative product line - can't live without it!
Orly Nailpolish - I think it is better than OPI - Haute Red is my favorite for toes!!
Champion Workout Clothes - These are my favorite shorts!! I am also a big fan of Addidas! Annick Goutal - My Paris indulgence is now in the US. I wear Mandragore and Eau de Sud. TMZ - Gossip, Gossip, Gossip!
Brooks Brothers No Iron Shirts - A must have for the traveler!!! Long sleeve and sleeveless! Lumene - I used to work for the Estee Lauder Corp. This line is better and inexpensive!


If you all have any "loves", please send them along!!! I really like discovering new things!

The Man Purse, Don’t Wad, Hold The Door!!

I don’t know what is up with the resurgence of the man purse lately, but it is kind of bugging me….I mean men, why do some of you need a purse? You don’t appear to be a tourist needing to stow a camera or maps etc. and I am sure that you picked out your Gucci/Prada/Lambertson bag with care, however – it is just WEIRD to see a man with a man purse.

Now, if I might indulge here in a little cross-continental contradiction…..it looks far more normal to see a European man with a wristlet man style purse. For some reason they look like they belong with a little extra; a space to tuck this season’s Prada sunglasses, their iPod for the train and their La Prarie lip balm. They are also men with impeccably cut Armani suits and Etro shirts and fine leather goods. American men don’t pull that look together for the most part. So to see a man in cargo shorts, Birkies and an Abercrombie shirt with a Gucci man purse just looks out of place – maybe that’s it – it is out of place. Besides, men get all the perks in life (peeing standing up, pretty much guaranteed your orgasm, age better, loose weight faster, etc.) so I think you need to leave the purse alone!!! Let us women have our purses and shoes and you can keep peeing standing up and looking great at 50 o.k.!!!

Moving on…

I have this strange thing that bugs me….when I go purchase an article of clothing I get really irritated if the cashier wads up my clothes and shoves them in the shopping bag. I will stand right at the counter, give a quasi-dirty look and pull the clothes out to fold them properly right in front of them. It is not that I am trying to be bitchy or anything, but hey, I just paid for that with my hard earned cash and I don’t want it to look like I found it waded under the bed from five years ago. This happened to me at Target yesterday and again I was pissed off. It was just some workout shirts and shorts (I had to go buy smaller ones – he he) and the little chicky just rolled them all up in a ball and shoved them in the bag – hanger on and all. Is it so hard to fold something?? Did the retail industry FORGET that is one of the things you DO!!! In Paris it is such a treat to shop! You can buy a 1 Euro pen and they will box it in a colorful pen box, put it in a little bag and place a beautiful seal on it – just for you – they respect that a purchase is a “gift” for you too sometimes!!! While I don’t expect confetti and gift bags all the time, a fold would be a nice change!!

Moving on…

I hate it when you hold the door for someone and they walk through it without acknowledging you or saying thank you!!! This is a biggie for me. I learned to be polite all the time and I hold doors even when I get there first. I would be mortified to think I let the door shut on someone who was a few steps behind me. However, I am getting really frustrated in this city where people have NO idea or NO manners to say “thank you” for anything. I have gotten to the point that I say “You’re welcome” in a bad way when they pass me by and breeze in the door that I am holding as if I were a doorman on Fifth Avenue and they were Paris Hilton. I dream about sticking my foot out and tripping them….I think I am becoming mean…I think it is bad to be polite in action and mean in your heart. I think about yanking hair and pulling them back out the door and going in first…is that wrong??? Ha ha!!!

O.k. so now I ranted a little. I just have this stuff rolling around in my head sometimes and it has to come out. Not the best of posts, but really some things just make me shake my head and I have to tell you all about it ;-)

xoox,
Bug

In All Things – Kindness

This morning I was looking back at my photo albums, looking for some photographs of my yard and deck from when I was married. Working out in Greg’s yard the past few days reminded me of when I had that pride of planting in my own yard, that sense of satisfaction and things in bloom.

Instead, I came across some photographs of myself before my surgery and I started thinking about weight and how it affects people and how I felt back then. You see, I was always a thin child, a thin adult until I was about 35 years old.

Looking back at the photographs of myself just before surgery I was reminded of the pain, the embarrassment and the confusion of that time. I went from 145 lbs to 184 lbs in a year. I felt horrible and masculine. I started fighting the weight gain as best I knew how. I cut my food back to one meal a day; I hired a personal trainer and worked out four to five days a week. I was sore all the time and took Epsom salt baths to ease my muscles and Motrin to ease the pain. Nothing was working and the weight kept coming on. I felt so defeated and desperate. I was wearing a size 16 and dressing in a lot of black to hide the flaws. I was always immaculate and well groomed, but inside I was a horrible mess.

I began a diet in an attempt to fight it. I joined Weight Watchers and began eating five small meals a day and the weight jumped again. I focused on food more than anything, was I eating it all wrong? Was I following directions closely enough? I obsessed about it. I began to purge if I felt that I had eaten something “wrong”; food was the “enemy”. My trainer was killing me, she was as frustrated as I was and she overworked me in an attempt to force my body to burn the fat. I had pulled muscles all the time and my ribs hurt. I quickly realized that I could not “rid” myself of the food I ate so I stopped that habit quickly and resumed the one meal a day rule. Not the best plan, but better than what I was doing.

I was convinced that people thought I was lying about being confused by the weight-gain. I was sure they believed that I was stopping off at the donut shop or eating in secret. I wasn’t. It was just all beyond my control.

I am so thankful that I found out what the problem was after reading an article about the news anchor Jane Robelot. A viewer had been watching her newscast and noticed a swelling in her neck and wrote to her about it. It turns out that she had Grave’s disease, an autoimmune disease caused by the malfunction of the Thyroid gland. I reached up to feel my neck. I had thought that it was swollen, but attributed it to my weight gain. Feeling that this was a sign, I called my doctor and made an appointment. Sure enough, I had a tumor the size of an egg on the right lobe of my Thyroid and had developed a disease called Hashimoto’s Tyroiditis. Needle biopsies, radioactive iodine treatments and monitoring followed and then the news that I needed an immediate complete Tyroidectomy. I was so happy in a way to know that I wasn’t to “blame” for what had happened to me, and at the same time I was afraid of a major surgery. My tumor had suspect cells that my Endocrinologist and ENT felt were pre-cancerous. They said they needed to remove my Thyroid immediately so the four hour surgery was scheduled.

It is now three and a half years later and I am down to 155 lbs and my medication is finally working effectively (it took three years). I have ten pounds to go and a determination to work it off the right way, the balanced way. Most of the weight came off immediately after my surgery and I felt good again. I felt vindicated, I felt pretty again. I was a size 10.

Then one day a man I was dating made a statement that cut me like nothing I had experienced before. He attacked me about my body, he told me that I had a “big ass” and that my body was “borderline on what a man finds attractive.” Although I have forgiven him, those words still haunt me. He did not know of the deep emotional pain I still had about that time in my life. He was not aware of the real struggle I had or the desperate lengths I had gone through. He took something with those words, and I felt so ugly and unattractive; again. If he felt that way about me, I imagined so did everyone else. I was fat, I was unworthy and I was unattractive. I did not want to be naked in front of him anymore, and each time I took my clothes off I wondered to myself what he was thinking. I could not express myself sexually with him in the ways I had done before. My mind was always reverting back to what I knew he “really” thought of me. It was a difficult time and the relationship ultimately did not survive, mostly based on that, even though I never told him that was the reason.

Now I am in a quasi-relationship with a man who has a perfect body. Perfect. He works out five days a week, has a body that people glance sideways at when we are out and looks like a masterpiece of human form. He also is kind to me about my body, he wants to hold me and touch me and leave the lights on so he can see every inch of me. At first that was hard as I was ashamed, thinking that surely he hated the way I looked too and just was not saying it. He called me a “hottie”, said I was “gorgeous” and he really meant it. I remember not wanting to meet him at first. I was convinced that he would reject me based on my less than perfect body. I thought he would take one look at me and send me away, not telling me the real reason why. He didn’t do that.

His kindness and acceptance of me, just the way I am gave me the ultimate motivation to become the best I can be. I am making such progress and loving what I see in the mirror again. I still have round thighs, and a stomach that needs to flatten out and a layer of fat that covers me in areas I don’t want it to, but it is only a matter of time before it retreats now that my body is repaired and has the metabolic ability to burn. He gave me a gift in his kindness to me, in his acceptance of me. He will never know the amount of that gift, or what he gave back to me. I can stand fully in front of him, no inhibitions and no fear. He gives me tools to help me instead of humiliation. He inspires me to be better, and better I am becoming because of him.

So in closing, I am sharing this with you all today to say this. Be kind to people, no matter what the “imperfection” in them might be. Be supportive, be loving, and motivate though example and participation. Choose words carefully and think before you speak. We are all so fragile and need love and understanding. Life is hard enough, especially when someone is fighting to accept and love themselves. I think we all have something inside that hurts us. When you start to criticize someone, think about what it is inside of you that causes you pain and embarrassment and use that to temper your words. Lead by example, empower people to be their best – and realize that might be something different than your best.

I know that what I went through made me a better person, a kinder person and a more empathetic person. When I look back now on that time in my life, I am thankful that I experienced it, as it caused me to grow and be a better person now, a more understanding person now.

And to Greg, thank you for your support and your kind words, and your acceptance of me. You give me wings and you made me feel truly beautiful again. It is the most valuable gift I have ever received in my life.

Ephesians 4:32

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another....."

Tenderhearted means that we are sensitive to the distresses and sufferings of others, and move quickly to do what we can to aid them.

City Life

Lights out. Time for bed. It is different tonight. The thoughts of making sure the house is properly secured and alarm set are back. Sitting out on the back patio was cut short. Something was moving along the bank, too heavy to be a squirrel or raccoon. Perhaps it was someone looking behind the townhouses again, obscure from view, looking for opportunity behind a shield of darkness. One never knows. It has happened before in our neighborhood.

Five nights passed without a thought of these things. Five nights of peaceful rest and lack of worry over safety; my sentinel sleeping beside me, my watch duty called off. Now it is up to me again to make sure, to keep watch, to be safe. This is the city and for now, this is my life.

Welcome home.

One

It is when you reach for me that I feel the most for you. In the dim morning light, your hand reaches out to pull me into a sweet embrace and I feel that I belong here beside you, even if it is only for one morning.

It is in the simple things that I feel the grandness of you. We stand side by side as equals, yet I am the smaller of us and love that you are the leader. I am words to your pictures and voice to your music, even if only for one song.

It is the moment we occupy the same body connection and say nothing, allowing the eyes to express the thoughts we keep safely inside. It is harder for me to refrain from I want to tell you in those moments. I think you read it across my eyes and in the smile I have for you alone, even if that smile is for one moment.

It is in creating something that I feel the partnership and friendship with you. Plans and dreaming and making something that will stand the test, growing each year, reminding you always that I was a part of you, even if only for one season.

Morning, song, moment, season. I take them all and create a beautiful mosaic of us. How sweet, the picture that I see....

Being You

I am realizing more and more the importance of being fully "You" in this life. I am a unique and wonderful woman. I thank God and my parents for instilling in me the best and the simple. I love the fact that I am feeling so much more comfortable being in my own skin, and showing others the real me.

Yesterday, Greg said that I sound different on the phone than in person. Part of that is that I am becoming more comfortable showing him me, and not worrying what he will think if I do this, or press that button or say what is on my mind. He thinks it is the tone of my voice and my accent. I know that it is something much different. He just is now seeing the "me" that my parents know, that my brother knows, that my very, very close friends know. She has a different voice and way of saying things. She is softer and more southern that he is used to hearing.

Today was the last session with David. Today was a re-cap and evaluation of my progress over the last two months. He thinks that I have done well. I think so too. I told him that I have no stress in my life for the first time in 16 years, and more fully so since the last 4, which have been a non-stop assault of heartache, guilt and surviving endings. Today and I am at peace. There is only one thing which causes my heart to pang a little in nervous anticipation and that is Greg.

I am here in Jackson, Tennessee with him and I have been thoroughly enjoying myself, just being normal and digging in the dirt and cooking dinners and laughing and nurturing myself by nurturing him. I don't think that he is emotionally available for me or anyone else for that matter and that makes me a little sad. I will move on one day, and know that I will always look back at this time and wonder about him and what could have been. I love him in the sweetest way. I want to tell him that often, but I don't. Not that I am not being true to myself, but I don't want him to feel bad about it, or awkward. I love him as I love my friends, and that is a great thing in life. I nurture, I love and I dream, and it is the very essence of what makes me a woman and a great partner and hopefully one day a great mother!

So today I am going to continue to smile and to enjoy my time away, the smile across my face, my love of life and the wonder I feel at God's goodness. This is truly the happiest time of my life because I realize more than anything that "Being You" is the very best way of being.

xoxo,
Bug

My Morning

Sometimes a morning comes so perfectly into form.

The wind blows away the remaining mist of the night and the birds sing a chorus to welcome the rising sun. A frog keeps time; sending ripples across his tiny pond and the water fountain trickles across the courtyard. The rose ambles up the trellis towards her lover, the sun. She is collecting her first kiss of the day.

Finches sing out like a group of silly schoolgirls, telling stories in hurried chatter and bursts of laughter. The Robins walk slowly over the green, looking for their babies breakfast. A hummingbird feeder stands red and ready for the tiny squadrons who will hover and drink before visiting the basket of pansies and returning again to feed. To and fro, to and fro.

Trees sit like shade umbrellas between velvet blankets of Spring green and birdhouses are strung between them like Japanese lanterns. The swing calls out for a visitor to linger here a while and watch the morning lights turn up as the sun adjusts the dial.

Maggie and I could not imagine a better way - or place to sit in appreciation of the special blessing God gives us - and a country morning really is a special blessing.

Hope you all have a great start to the week!

xoxo,
Bug

More Therapy

I took a 2.5 hour nap and then went and got two Boston Creme donuts....that didn't help either.

1. Workout therapy - no help
2. Retail therapy - no help
3. Sleep therapy - no help
4. Donut therapy - no help.

I really wish I had a yard. I could go out there and putter for a few hours weeding and watering...but that's not an option either.

Anyone got any suggesstions?? I have 1440 minutes to fill and a man I really am trying to prentend doesn't exist.

xoxo,
Bug

Therapy

Retail therapy is ineffective. Trust me, I tried.

Ugh.

(deep huh!)

xoxo,
Bug

REPOST - I Wanna Know What Love Is: You Asked....

I wrote this post originally a couple of years ago when someone emailed me asking me to describe what love is to me.

I wanted to repost this today just for me. There are many, many things I could write and feelings I should write down about Greg, my ex-husband, etc., etc. but I don't want to waste anymore of my life looking back. One of my motto's in life is "If "ifs" and "buts" were sugar and nuts, it would be Christmas every day!" So no more ifs for me, no more buts, just acceptance and closure. This post is merely a reminder that love is a wonderful thing. It is "the" thing that matters in life and the source of all goodness.

I will never give up trying to find this in my life. No matter how many times I get hurt, I will get back up again and move forward.

-------------------------------


So you want to know about love? I cannot tell you all of the intricacies of it, or what love is for others, but this is what love is to me.

Love is the warmest color you can imagine, it is the emotional equivalent of the goosebumps on your arm. It is the thought that makes you smile and the depth of who you are as a person. Love is the way your cheeks flush just a little when they reach for you, or your blood pressure rises just a little when they call to check on you - and you realize your are connected in thought.

Love is the tear that you shed when the emotion builds to a crescendo, whether it be from happiness or pain or loss, the emotion builds and spills over for them...and them alone. Love is the response they illicit in you, the untapping of the wellspring in your heart.

Love is when you would put their needs before your own without realizing you have even done it, it is the unconscious care and selfless provision you give to another. For me, love is the biggest thing in life. Serving, loyalty, care, concern, kindness, thoughtfulness, knowing, compassion, steadfastness, reaching, consuming.

So in closing, you see that love in the right way can be placed into any situation.
The ability to love is our humanity - my ability to love and to believe in true goodness is the greatest gift God gave to me. I cherish this about myself the most - I guess you could say - I love that part of me ;-)

Happy Friday!!!
Ladybug

If You Are Wondering

Oh, and by the way - if you are wondering (or will soon start to wonder) why I am writing such silly stuff as minutes in a day or about my new running shoes, it is because I am trying my best to stay happy in an unhappy time in my life.

Just smile along with me while I pretend that all is well o.k.!!

xoxo,
Bug

Running Away

Spring is my favorite time of year. Our weather in Atlanta is just beautiful lately!! I realize that in life I just have to keep on moving and that means moving towards something sometimes and away others.

So today I just made an investment in my new Asics and they are awesome!! I am going out for 5 miles right now. I swear, I think I can run off this heartache. If the heartache is still there when I am finished, at least my butt will be getting smaller - see every cloud has a silver lining!!

xoxo,
Bug

1440

1440 that is how many minutes there are in a day.

480 that is how many minutes I slept last night.

120 that is how many minutes I spent doing errands.

90 that is how many minutes I spent in exercise.

60 that is how many minutes I spent writing today.

60 that is how many minutes I spent on my pedicure.

30 that is how many minutes I spent watching tv.

90 that is how many minutes I spent talking with my mother.

510 that is how many minutes are left to get through the rest of today.

When you miss someone 1440 minutes is a challenge.

YIPEE!!

Since I wrote my post a few weeks ago "Getting Mad" , I have really been working hard. In the past few weeks I have been dancing, walking about 15 miles per week, and weight training three days a week with Bernard for an hour each time, followed by 30 minutes on the Precor.

I took my measurements and wrote them down on my calendar and told myself that at the end of the month I would measure myself again, and use that figure to guage my progress. I did my measurements again this morning and am pretty happy with the results!! I have lost 2 inches in my waist, 2 inches in my chest and 1/2 inch off each of my thighs. Using that reference point against the scale, I figure I have added about 2 lbs. of muscle weight. I also realize that I am losing fat around my upper body first.

It was really nice to have something to smile about this morning. I really needed that!! My goal is to be two sizes smaller by the Summer. I am well on my way!!

YIPEE!!

Bug

How? (Original Post ERASED)

Oh, my!! I can't believe I wrote that (to those of you who saw the original post before I erased it all and started typing this in its place). Some people drunk dial - I drunk Blog I guess huh!!

It is 9:22 a.m. on Sunday morning and I am starting my second cup of coffee - anyone got any Tylenol????

Ha ha!!

(((SIGH)))

Looking over my shoulder one last time. Looking your way and remembering the last day I spent with you. Thank you for the wonderful memories. I know you understand the rest and the depths of it.

"For one human being to love another:

that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks;

the ultimate, the last test and proof,

the work for which all other work is but preparation."

Rainer Maria Rilke

Each Page A Treasure To Me

Sitting at my desk...Maggie is just to the right of my laptop laying on the desktop!

I have finally picked my manuscript up again after registering for my Creative Writing and Publishing class at Emory University. I am thoroughly enjoying the class and the writing exercises we perform each week during the class session. Sometimes our professor will merely give us a sentence and ask us to write a narrative in ten minutes. I get really excited and start immediately, tearing into my paper with streams of black ink. I really love creating and finding my voice in my writing.

I finished Chapter 2 this morning and will spend part of my afternoon on character development. I have some thoughts to scribble down about each of the characters in my book and I want to write a narrative for myself about them, to help me get to know them a little better. I want to know how they sound, what motivates them and to define ultimately how they will affect the plot in my book. I am hopeful that I will get some new insight when I begin to focus and imagine them a bit more aside from my protagonist.

I am also incorporating my Blog writings into the book as part of the protagonists "journal". It is wonderful for me to read back on some of my posts, especially about Paris - where the book is set.

I must tell you that I am really beginning to enjoy my time off, and the creative process that is happening with me.

I wish you all a great weekend ahead!

Mellissa

In Vino Veritas

We have all heard the expression "In Vino Veritas" translation In Wine Is Truth. I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week in regard to a social situation and I want to get your opinion on the scenario below.

You go into a nice restaurant with a group of people. You order dinner and a couple of bottles of good wine (these folks only drink the good stuff). At the end of the meal you are presented the check and you pay the bill without looking at it. After leaving the restaurant and looking at the receipt, you notice that the waiter has not charged your bill for one of the bottles of wine.

I was asked the question (and this is a real scenario mind you) of what would I have done. Would I contact the restaurant and notify them of the error, or would I be silent and have the attitude "not my problem, I paid what I was asked to pay".

I said that I would contact the restaurant where I am a frequent diner and tell them that they inadvertantly left one of the bottles of wine off the check. I personally think this is a matter of good breeding and honesty, and elegance of character. I would hate to think that the waiter had to absorb the cost of the wine when I could well afford to pay for the choice I made, when he/she perhaps could not. It would bother my conscience to think I had shorted someone if I was aware of the mistake.

What would you do:

1. Contact the restaurant and let them know.
2. Ignore it - after all it is their mistake.

Thanks!

M

My Voice, My Life

In catching up on reading my favorite blogs this morning, and visiting some new blogs for the first time, I discovered that someone copied language from two of my posts on their site - without attributing them to me, the author.

I am sure you can imagine that I am quite upset by this as I believe our Blogs are the expression of our innermost. Whether silly posts, or posts about our day, our thoughts, our friends and family, the words are the essence of who WE are.

Each time I write something, it is special to me, a part of my creative voice. To see that taken is not a good feeling. I wish I could understand this a little better right now. I think I am especially upset because this person is an published author and someone who I think would know how precious the created word is; how intricately personal.

I think this person is probably a very nice lady, and meant nothing bad of it. But I think an apology is in order, and thus also the removal of my words from their blog.

Mellissa

Child Beauty Pageants

I was watching a series on PBS about Child Pageants this weekend. It is not the first time I have seen this type of show and it has really been on my mind since watching it again.

I wonder how you all feel about them? Do you think they help children overcome shyness and make friends as is the "rigeur" statement by Pageant Moms, or do you feel they are too competitive and exploitative of the children.

In watching the series, I did notice one interesting thing. Most of the mothers were really out of shape, gave little thought to their appearance and seemed to be living vicariously through the child. The children seemed robotic and not really sure of why they were making their signature moves, they were just doing as they were taught. I really saw none of the childlike expressions of joy or silliness. It was like watching little plastic robots.

I must tell you that I thought a couple of things in watching along. The first is I wonder why the mother's don't put more care into the way they take care of themselves as a model for the child to learn by first. The second is that a lot of the families showcased did not seem to have the disposable income to feed this lifestyle. What about putting that money earned from the mom having a second job into a college fund instead of a pageant entry? Would this not go further in life if you really were focused on giving your child a better shot in society? It was said that the children learn social skills and how to be in the public eye by doing this. Does a three year old really understand that, or do they just understand that they don't get a sparkly crown like the other girl and mommy looks mad.

When I was a toddler, I had a Miss America bathing suit and I loved it with the cute little banner running across the front. My dad used to put me on the dining room table and get me to recite the pledge of allegiance and sing songs.  My dad was so proud at how smart I was at such a young age. It was not about my appearance, it was about the pride of my learning. The audience was not competitive, it was family. I was not pretending to be an adult, I was a child who liked to talk (still do) and sing songs and dance.

I do understand the need to socialize children, to make them feel special and proud. I just wonder if that is the best way to go about it. What do you all think about this? I am very curious to know.

Is it fun or exploitation??

xoxo,

Bug

Dang It!

In an attempt to be "modern" and balanced in my approach to dating, I decided to rejoin match.com on Saturday. Whizz, bang here we go again I thought to myself. The men in the collage above have all asked me out for a date. Look at them, handsome and seemingly very nice, accomplished men with lots to offer. Here is me, not answering any of them and thinking "Dang it" I should be off and running and being the Bachelorette here in Atlanta.

Do you think I am up for any of this? NO, I really am not and that bugs the crap out of me. You see, there is a man in Tennessee that I want to stand still with, to date, to have a relationship with, to take time to get to know. I feel that if I date other men right now, I will somehow ruin that relationship and that he will hold it against me. He isn't really ready for more with me right now and I am trying to respect that and keep on going so I don't put all my eggs in that one basket - but I really like that one basket!!

So, what do you all think? Do I go for it and start dating, or do I just hang for a while and keep on hoping....

Love,
The Bachelorette ;-)

Spring

I believe the last of the in and out cold weather has been felt and the days ahead will hold nothing but warm, welcoming days!

Maggie and I just returned home from the last of today's workout sessions, a great 1.5 mile walk around Historic Brookhaven. I started this morning at the gym with Bernard (the sadist) warming up with a 1/2 mile walk then on to tons of push ups, sit ups, tricep and bicep work, shoulders and boxing. The boxing part was great and I pack a pretty mean punch compared to Lynn who was working out with me. Then I hit the Precor for 30 minutes of fat burning range cardio before stumbling out of the gym in search of a protein shake and a chair ;-) I am really trying to burn away that last 10 pounds that has taken up residence in my stomach and butt and trust me, I will fin the fight!

My lower back is so much better just since I started dancing again - it is amazing! I had a great 90 minute neuro-muscular massage with lots of table stretching by yet another sadist - Renard. he is amazing and works on the Falcons sports team. Needless to say the man has some moves that will bring you up off the table with an "ouch" but he wont stop until that muscle band lets go and you end up feeling completely relaxed and without any tension.

I am beginning to wonder if I really need to take three months away from work. I am feeling the need to produce something, but I will make myself take this time for me and really work on the things I love and the things that need improvement. I have a goal to attain before my 39th birthday, which is where the three months came into play.

As I was walking tonight I was trying to clear out a few lingering cobwebs from my mind in preparation for my Tuesday's with David, which will actually be Wednesday this week. I want to make some resolutions about things and move forward. Understanding "why" in life is a difficult thing, as is realizing that sometimes you just have to let go of the rope and fall.

I did a lot of Dr. appointments in the last couple of weeks, things I had been putting off in lieu of work and being away from home a lot last year. Skin is good, Cholesterol is great, no communicable diseases of any kind, good boobs and no tumors to be "checked out" this time, teeth are clean and sparkly with no cavities, eyes see just fine, thyroid levels are finally in balance and discussions about life change are well underway and understood.

I guess all in all it has been a productive and enlightening few weeks. I am glad I took the time to take care of myself. The benefits are already being felt.

I hope you all are well and happy where life finds you tonight!

xoxo,
Bug