Getting Mad

After my appointment with David today and writing some missives about my life right now I felt defeated and tired. I headed up to bed to try to have a few hours of escape from that little gerbil that has been on the wheel non-stop for months. I laid there for 30 minutes and the longer I did, the madder I got. I flipped back the covers and threw on a pair of jeans and headed out. No more of this. No more waiting around for the answers. They are all inside of me and it is up to me to fix this - and I will.

First order of business. Dance. I headed up to the dance store for a new pair of Latin dance shoes, the professional latin 2.5. Now I have all three required heel heights from the Ballroom standard 1.5 inch to the Latin 2.5 to the American Smooth style lace up practice 1 inch soft shoe. Next stop, the Ballroom Studio where I once practiced three days a week, 1 hour each time. I had legs that were amazing, I moved with grace and felt the very core of my feminity during that time. Bingo - that was part of what I needed again. Julio and I will dance Ballroom waltz and Foxtrot tomorrow and Thursday at 2 p.m. and Andrew and I will dance Tango and Rhumba in Latin style Friday and Saturday. No more waiting. I am mad as hell and I am gonna take all that out on the dance floor. I am a beautiful dancer and a sensual woman. Time to recapture that magic that lives inside of me.

As I was driving home full of energy to throw on my running shoes and hit my three mile track around Chastain Park, I realized that I have let myself down. I did this and it is up to me to fix it. I began to remind myself of who I am, who I fought so hard to discover three years ago when I had to start over.

I am a writer and a photographer, I am a dancer and firey Southern woman. I am audacious and witty and a lot of fun to be around. I am a traveller and an adventurer, I have seen the world and stood in awe in front of such beauty that I found out there. I am a dreamer and a kindred spirit and I am compassionate and strong. I let myself get down, I abandoned me and I started to doubt myself and my worth. I got sad and I got lost. Today I just plain out got mad...and in the process think I opened a door for myself, to return to myself. Today I made the connection and I hopped out of bed and back into life. The picture above this paragraph is the most like who I really am. Greg captured me right after saying something really goofy and when I looked at the photograph again this afternoon, I realized how much I let her go and how much I have missed her!

I know there will be days where I have to keep working on what was broken, but I made a promise to myself to validate myself and be as good to me as I am to others. I think that is o.k. and I am looking forward to it.

Oh, and here are the new shoes that will help carry me along ;-)

And for anyone who reads this and thinks I am full of myself, yes today I think I am....and that is o.k. because as David said, it is not being selfish to nourish self!

xoxo,
Bug