Pregnancy Stupid

How I was....fit, smart and un-stupid....

How I am...fat, happy and stupid ;-)

Have you all ever heard of the "Pregnancy Stupids"??? Well let me tell you - it is TRUE that you get a little dense during this time. I do some things that just make me wince at my own goofiness - not to mention that all of a sudden (in the last three months) I CANNOT spell. I mess up all kinds of words and for a writer, that is quite alarming!!!

Now the latest stupid....

On Friday evening, I decided to take my little man on our first date. It had been a great day, I was excited and wanted to celebrate and since I am alone, decided to take the new man in my life out on the town for dinner and a movie. The new Catherine Zeta Jones movie was playing at 7:45 p.m. - Perfect to fit my early-bird dinner and still make the movie!!

I got my ticket and my diet coke and walked into the theatre with a big grin, all ready for my movie date.....as my eyes adjusted to the theatre I realized that there were no seats and the two that I saw I was actually given dirty looks (yes, I could see them in the dark) that said "oh no fat chick, don't EVEN think about it."

So I turned and started crying (yes, I do that) little drips of disappointment. Then I was irritated at whoever was stupid enough to sell more tickets for a full theatre, or all those "sneaky people" who went to my movie instead of the one they paid for. See how nuts I am.

So I went up to the manager of the movies and asked for my money back. "The movie is full and I can't get a seat." I said to him. He replied... "No Reservation?" to which I just stood there looking at him in disbelief, saying nothing. "No Reservation?" he asked again. I said "Of course I didn't have a reservation...I just came to the movies like normal. Do you need a reservation now?" He just started laughing at me, and said.. "NO, the movie is CALLED "No Reservation", is that what movie you wanted to see?"

DUUUUUUHHHHHH

 

Yeah - I felt that stupid.....and trust me - there are a lot more stories I could tell you - but in a effort to maintain my dignity in an era where my thighs are becoming friends - I will not. Just suffice it to say that my little man better be brilliant - cause he is BOGARTING all the oxygen and I am out here in dumbsville. Oh, and if you are wondering about the two pictures. That is to remind me that I can snap back - and eventually get a Friday night date and drink a Martini.

xoxo,

Bug

It's a....

We had a perfect visit today and I saw my child for the first time. I cried and cried and could not believe how busy the baby was - moving and kicking and putting it's hands up to it's mouth. I saw the brain and the heart and the ribcage and perfect spine. I saw arms and hands and five little fingers - making a fist. I was in awe and did not expect the experience to have such a profound impact on me.

I saw a perfect little rump and long kicking legs and then we saw something else....and the sonographer asked if I wanted to know the sex of the baby.....I cried and nodded and she said I can tell you 85% that it's a.....

BOY

 

Everyone, please meet my son!!! He is perfect and I am in love!! Have a wonderful weekend all!!!

I've Decided

I woke up this morning and decided to be happy. I have wonderful friends, and people who reach out to me unexpectedly and bring a smile to my face; reminding me that I am truly cared for. I thought I would say a few thanks.

1. Mom & Dad - How did I get so lucky to have you as parents? I can only hope to emulate your example in life for my own child. You are my anchor in stormy seas and you did not chastise me when I was crying and hormonal...you just hugged me and made me feel safe against the world. To my Dad especially, I know it isn't easy to see me struggle right now, but thank you for comforting me in the ways you know how. I see why mom loves you so much. You are the master protector.

2. To Daniel - Thank you for just listening to me and allowing me to open up my heart. Thank you for understanding how I think and for being there and offering support if I need it. Just to have you say it helped me feel I would be o.k. until I am back up and running at full speed!!!

2. Angie - From day one you encouraged me and smiled and you were EXCITED for me and said it would be o.k. . Thank you for the laughs and the lunches and the emails and text messages just to check in and let me know you are thinking about me. You are a great friend and I miss seeing you.

3. Pascale - The most modern thinker who allows me to be traditional. Thank you for bolstering who I am and re-enforcing my decision when I did not know where to turn or what to do. Your voice on the phone gave me the encouragement I needed the day I felt I couldn't go on a moment longer in this scenario. You were the first to know about the Baby, you are always my first call - and my best friend. Thank you.

4. Isabel - Madrid is so far away and I will miss your wedding in France next week - but you will return home soon enough and we will raise our children together. I look forward to that!! Thanks for the laughs and sharing the mommy bond with me.

5. Jamie - You can't know how much your invitation to dinner last Friday night meant to me. I had been home crying and feeling really sad when you pinged me to meet you for supper. Thank you for treating me to dinner, and for being such a good friend to me. You are a gem.

6. Osbasso -  From sending me flowers on my birthday from so far away to emailing me just to say hello and make me smile. You are always a bright spot in my day - and in my life.

To everyone else who has written to congratulate and who cheers me on. Thank you too!! I look forward to these happy days ahead. I have a big appointment for the baby tomorrow - I get to see her (?) and hear her heartbeat for the first time. I am really excited for that moment. Please say a little prayer for us that all will be well and we hear a LOUD and healthy heartbeat fill the room.

Love,
Mellissa

I Did It

I am in a place where I never thought I would be. I really need to write about how I am feeling and get it out of me. I know it will rebuild inside of me again, like steam and when I fear that I will split wide open from the pressure, I will simply write again and let it out.

I have been an absolute mess for two months. Since I discovered I was pregnant, I think I have had about 10 o.k. days. The rest I am just surviving. I cry off and on through the day, in private where no one can see me. Often I freak out at Greg because he wants to take things as they come and won't do the marriage or live together thing. That has sent me so far over the edge that I wander around in a state of utter panic and despair. I know I have been impossible to deal with, but somehow I continue to fight as if I can't believe he won't let me in and protect me. I give in because I am exhausted and I keep it all to myself....for a day or so and then I can't pretend anymore and blow up again.

I worry that I might hurt myself some days (don't freak out, I don't ) I mean it is just that I don't know how to keep all this up. Pregnant, no job, very little money left to cover my bills for the next month, Lab bills and Dr. bills already in the mailbox, insurance due again - typical life stuff. No help from Greg, no offer of assistance and most days even kindness.  Each thing that comes up brings an avalanche of emotion and fear. My parents have been great. They are helping me out and giving me lots of love and support, but the only one who can provide me what I need and long for is Greg.

He believes somewhere in the back of his mind that I did this on purpose, which I can assure you I did not. I would not wish this pain and uncertainty on my worst enemy. Mind you I am not talking about the baby. That is a miracle. I mean the feeling of being scared and alone and completely vulnerable. The feeling that there is someone who could extend a lifeline to you but does not. I try so hard to wrap my mind around his point of view, but I just can't and it tears at us both; the arguments becoming more desperate on my part - and he pulls away telling me he can't handle me right now and that I am childish or selfish. I admit it I am totally out of control and a complete psycho on the edge pregnant lady. But I just don't know how to get through this.

I try my best to understand that we were dating (7 months) when this happened and that although I loved him, he wasn't there yet - maybe he never would have been, I don't know - I do understand that "just because you tell me your are pregnant don't expect me to turn around and say I love you and let you move in." I understand things don't just go "poof" like magic. What I can't understand is the lack of compassion for my situation, or what I perceive to be a lack of compassion. Even my ex-boyfriend offered me a place to stay when he read my blog - and I appreciated the gesture of kindness, although it was the last thought on my mind. It did, stand in stark contrast that Greg never spoke those words of assistance to me.

Anyway, I have put this to so many people I know - asking them if it is me who is a nut, and doesn't get it, or if there is something horribly wrong with this whole scenario. Whatever it is, I have surrendered to it. It won't change and I have finally given up the fight in utter exhaustion and frustration. I cried again this afternoon when I got home and now my head hurts. I want to call Greg and I want him to help me make it better. I am not a slacker and I am not a person who tricks anyone and I would never manipulate a man for a baby. I was happy with life as it was. 

Anyway, I am just putting all my business on the street. I guess I am just so far gone that I just surrender to it all.   I admit it freely and will tell you that I am sure Greg sees this in a whole different light and he would tell you that he is right here for me (5 hours away) and is doing the right thing. Who knows what is the right answer. I just know my heart is broken and I want it to stop so I can begin to get excited about our baby.

Whenever I think of her? my heart breaks and I cry again at the thought that I have ruined her life and she will never know the comfort of having Mom & Dad home at night to give her a bath and read to her and to show her what love looks like. I wish I had her father here with me during my pregnancy. I read about pregnancy on line and dad's who are thrilled and dote on the mom and bring her a flower and rub her belly - and I cry again. I just feel like I am so unworthy, I can't imagine what I did to be unlovable.

I feel like the biggest failure of all time. I cannot believe this is my life.

Sharing

I know that many of you who read my Blog (thank you) have been wondering what the change has been with me over the last few months. I have not been posting as much, or my writing has been cryptic and out of place. Some of the things I wrote that people thought were about someone else was really about me, my feelings - fears and life.

I have experienced emotions and the depths of pain and elation over the past three months that I did not know could exist in this lifetime. I have experienced feelings of isolation and fear and also joy and overwhelming awe. I have been discriminated against with employment and had my security taken away in my ability to earn my living right now. I will re-build and find a new path to the top of the mountain - all with God's help.

You see, there is something larger - something infinitely more special with me now. It is more precious than the pain I have felt, it is larger than the fear I face, it is the gift above all gifts in this life. Rainer Rilke, I think, said it best in an excerpt from his poem....

"For one human being to love another:
that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks;
the ultimate, the last test and proof,
the work for which all other work is but preparation."
Rainer Maria Rilke

As I write this today, I do not write alone. There is a second creative force in me and I am falling in love.....and my life to this point has been preparation to accept this gift. I am going to be a mother. Three months are up, and I am pleased to share my news with you. Thank you all for the friendship and the support which always encourages and lifts me when life finds me in awkward places. I have been keeping a Blog for the Baby Bug and will post a link on the sidebar shortly. Welcome to this new chapter.

xoxo,

Bug

It Is Hard

It is hard to turn away from something you loved; to turn your back in order to survive. I had to do this yesterday in the midst of very delicate circumstances. I hate the way it feels and I woke up crying again this morning and I choke back tears as I write this now. I will not cry in a public place. There have been too many tears of late; tears of fear and of sadness and of uncertainty. There are also tears that stream down my face when I pray to God to help me find a solution to where I find myself in life.

As many of you know, I had taken a couple of months off of work to get healthy and balanced in my life, being fully prepared to return to work in July after a summer's sabbatical. I met my time frame, as I always have had the ability to work and was offered a great job which I readily accepted. For reasons that I will not go into at this time, but will share with you all very soon, that job offer was rescinded when I was honest about something to them. I was discriminated against in a blatant way, one in which if I notified the State of Georgia of what happened, I would be comfortable for quite some time, in-and-out, case closed. I promised, however, in giving them my news, that I would understand if they did not want to continue with my starting work last Monday. I have no choice but to keep my word. I will keep my word because I needed to know that I was going to work representing good people, people who would be there for me, as I would be there for them. I needed to know how they really were - and now I do.

I also realize as the days go by, finding meaningful employment in my field will be next to impossible due to my situation. I am facing reality and it scares me and leaves me completely undone. My fault completely. I will be moving out of my townhouse at the end of August as I won't have the comfort of knowing financial security right now. I plan on moving up to North Carolina with my parents for a while. I love them to death, but this just devastates me in ways I cannot relay in writing or by emotion. I know it is only temporary, but if you read back a few posts to where I talk about my home and my things, you might get a feeling of just how hard things are right now for me.

I know God has an answer for me in all of this - I sure have been asking him "why" and sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something I did at some point in my life. Then I have to calm down and remind myself once again that our God is a loving father who does not want to hurt us in any way. I have never been able to accept help from another person. I have always been fiercely independent and able to care for myself without the need of another. Now I am reliant on my parents - and I am so lucky that I have two wonderful people who will see me through and give me hugs and love me unconditionally. In this I am blessed, and I am learning that at some points we need help, and it is o.k. to accept that help with a grateful heart.

So to you - if you read this. I cannot pretend to understand for your benefit anymore. I have to make sacrifices and that means you are one that is made also. It breaks my heart - but you leave me no choice in the matter. Talk is cheap and right now I don't need lip service. I need strength, maturity and action.

To everyone else, please don't worry about me. Just know that I write from an honest place on my Blog. It is my outlet and while I am temporarily down, I am not out. DON'T feel sorry for me, you know I would HATE that. Just continue to be my friends - that matters to me the most.

I will be sharing some things as I go along, as my writing is my creative outlet and my cathartic process. I write for me, and for me alone. If "YOU" think any differently - that is not my problem, as I have bigger things to worry about than how "YOU" feel all the time.

xoxo,
Mellissa

Honor, Love, Dignity, Hope

My life over the past few months has been a Kaleidoscope of emotions and events. As each part of my new life unfolded, it seemed as though my perfectly composed colored tile path was being broken apart, and becoming a mosaic - a pattern unknown to me and lacking order. I was scared and falling apart and desperate to return to what I knew.

Piece by piece, change was taking place. I was becoming scared of this new chapter of life presenting itself to me. I was reacting, responding, running, and scared. I kept looking to another to "rescue" me from this unfamiliar place, yet no rescue came. You can read about my fears in my post about standing alone in a field. That was about a dream I was having each night when I went to sleep.

It does not matter our age in relation to our fears and insecurities over life events. We are never prepared for loss or new life or financial changes or love that does not blossom fully. What we do have though is a benevolent God. We have one who never leaves us, who when we finally turn towards shore is standing there, arms outstretched to wrap us in warmth and security.

I had the dream again last night. However it was different this time as someone was standing there. I think He had been there the whole time. I just was not focused on Him, choosing to look further out on the horizon than necessary for the help I needed.

I awoke with more resolve today, with a greater peace and a humble heart. The following words were left etched into my thoughts. Live with HONOR and don't compromise your values, continue to LOVE with an open heart as it is the greatest of all gifts, keep your DIGNITY intact, no one can undervalue your morals unless you give them the chance, and finally, keep HOPE inside your heart that tomorrow will be fulfilling and filled with Grace and love and all things according to My plan for your life.

I have a new plan in my life, a plan which I will enact with Honor, Love, Dignity and Hope. I can see the image in my mosaic now and realize that God is creating a masterpiece at my feet.

xoxo,
Mellissa

Me

I have a character flaw (or is it?) that shuts people out. I give a lot of chances to people. I give love and understanding and usually think of them first as a natural part of my character. I do and do and give and give and love and love. However, if I see a pattern of lack of concern back for my well being, or if they treat my feelings and needs with a lack of respect and understanding then I get this strange sensation inside of me when I think of them, and I know the ending is coming. 

There is usually a warning conversation, or a time when I express myself fully and see how they react with me; how they treat my heart. If the infractions continue, I simply shut my heart, and never allow them access again. I disappear from their lives with no further explanation and I never look back. 

I view loyalty and respect as paramount to those I give my love and friendship to. If I show you my heart and you reject me, or silence me, or take all and give nothing then a shift happens and I turn from you, as if we never knew each other at all.

Not A Burden To Bear

I am not a burden to bear; a decision to make; a sad ending; a question mark; a thought to ponder; a secret to keep; a cross to bear; something to be unsure of; a compromise; a source of pain for another.

I am not second place; last in line; less important in feeling and need; someone to be pushed aside and made to wait; a variable; a choice of "maybe" or "maybe not".

I am a diamond; a true soul; a gift; a warm heart and a nurturing spirit; a warm, safe place; a deep shade of red; a child of God, a special woman.

For me, this is enough and this is my truth.

Chasm

From morning till night there is a sense of isolation, the sunrise gives way to the moon and still I stand, alone. I can see for miles around me in all directions, yet no one is on the horizon; I scan it still, over and over. Hoping. The wind blows a warm breeze that hurts my skin and stings my eyes and there is no direction I can turn to provide shelter from the exposure, yet I slowly turn around over and over. Hoping.