The Dangers of Communicating with Girlfriends of Mine

Good morning! It is a new day and I am over the hump of yesterday. I have some things to accomplish and the sun is shining in that beautiful Fall morning light that makes me feel cozy!

As you all know I have a great group (posse) of 6 girlfriends. We travel together, pray together, look out for each other, share clothes & gossip and act as the family unit for each other as we are all single living a distance away from our families.

The men in my life always hear about "the girls" and generally like them and somehow always seem to make contact with them, I think to have a bit of an "in". Well, I would say that this is a double-edged sword.

You see, not only are we loving of each other we are EXTREMELY protective of each other. It is the mess with the bull and get the horns kind of thing! Well, last night after listening to me tell about my day and seeing me cry over something really thoughtless that someone did. One of the girls took matters on.

You see the man had emailed her earlier in the month, being friendly, chatty, etc. trying to get a bit of an insight from my friends. Well, that coin has another side. Last night I saw an email that she sent him that would melt the skin of a rhino.

Ouch, I would have hated to be the one reading that..... They are waaay meaner than I am. I guess that whole "write and share with the girls" thing backfired on him.

Sorry Joe - you messed with the Bull.....

xoxo,

Bug

Today

I woke up heavy hearted this morning and reflective. Turning over events of the past couple of years, wondering why it happened. Feeling a loss again of my best friend, wishing that I had been cherished, wondering if something is wrong with me.

A phone call came this morning from a new person I allowed into my life, delivering a bad blow to me. I kept listening, not speaking, not having the words to say anything, but reeling and feeling myself sicken. I could only reply something short and press the button to end the flow of words coming in my direction. I don't have the heart or the stomach to deal with this anymore. I didn't have the emotional ability to "play nice" and be understanding. Not today.

You see, today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I did not need anymore hurt to remind me. But more hurt I got.

xoxo,

Bug

P.S. To the person who called me today, and who is logging on to read this blog. Please go away. You are not welcome here. I hope when you look in the mirror, you are ashamed of yourself.

Some Things Never Change

What can I possibly add to this wonderful sentiment? Actually, a lot - but I won't. I will just go to bed instead.

Night All!

Bug

The "Break" Up

It was a wonderful love affair – for two years. The American and the Italian. We were a “signature” item. We spent almost every day together, joining up just after my morning shower. When we were out, people took notice, came closer, gave compliments.

We were a great team…until the worst scenario….we had traveled together to Switzerland and then on to Barcelona. That is where it all fell apart. Just like most other days, I reached for my love just after my shower and before getting dressed…

That day was a big change – you see, it was the “break” up. I forgot to be careful. I forgot how fragile a thing it was. We have been apart now for four months. Others have played a stand in role in the meantime, but never captured the “essence” of me. But today changed all that. Lunchtime came and we found our way back to each other….in Nordstrom, a boutique department store in Atlanta.

I was walking into the hair salon when I spied my love…waiting patiently for me to notice and draw closer. I did notice and my eyes sparkled again. We were re-united right then and there.

Now we are together again…and tomorrow’s post shower routine will commence…as if time had never passed. I made a promise to Dolce & Gabana from today forward. I will never "drop" you like that again.

Sing with me people.... ((cues music))

"Reunited and it feels so good.

Reunited 'cause we understood.

There's one perfect fit

And, sugar, this one is it

We both are so excited

'Cause we're reunited

Hey, hey"

Occlusal Adjustment Equilibration

Definition:

Bite adjustment which reduces overloading forces by reducing heavy contacts through gentle recontouring of tooth structure.

Outcome:

My mouth hurts!! Not the best way to start your day... I guess I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep and got my bite off....note to self...RELAX!!

One of My Favorites - Asparagus...

This was my dinner last night. One of my favorite things is Asparagus. I guarantee if you try this recipe you will be hooked. I learned this from my best friend, Pascale in Switzerland...she got the love of pumpkin pie from me - I got asparagus wrapped in ham!!

You will need:

1. Boursin Cheese (pronounced Bursan) - I like the cracked black pepper variety.
2. Olive Oil
3. Fresh asparagus
4. Thinly sliced dried ham - such as prosciutto di Parma (procuitto)

Buy good quality asparagus, the fattest stalks you can find. In preparation, you will snap the stalky end off the asparagus - nature tells you where by the flex point. It will snap where it is supposed to. Just bend the end down and let it pop.

Allow your Boursin to come to room temperature as it is a spreadeable cheese made with fine herbs and my favorite is the Black Pepper. You will spread about 1 tablespoon per each cluster of asparagus to be baked.

Choose three to four asparagus stalks and place them on top of the slice of parma ham. Put a tablespoon of Boursin in the midde, and bring the ends of the ham together to close the bundle of asparagus. Repeat this until you have made the desired number you wish to serve.

Drizzle a bit of olive oil in a baking dish or a pan and place the bundles on top. Lightly drizzle olive oil over the top and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for approximately 15 minutes depending on the size of your asparagus stalks. Small stalks can also be used, cooking about 7 minutes.

You will need nothing on top - no salt or pepper. The cheese will become melted and the ham will crispen and provide the salt for the dish.

I love serving this with a filet de bouf and fingerling potatoes with fresh parsley.

Enjoy!

Bug

I would rather you hate me than leave me

Blog note: This post is NOT written about me - rather about my impression of a statement said to me by another. Sometimes my Blog is a newsletter, and other times just a way to write down my thought progression. This is one of those examples...

“Please pray for my foster mother so that she and I can be friends and that she will love me. And for my real parents, please pray that they get what they deserve for abandoning me.”

How can I pray for the woman who beat you repeatedly, who turned her eye to your abuse by men? I don’t have the courage to pray for that request. I instead will pray for her soul and that God has mercy on her when she faces him.

Is it worse to be left behind that to be abused? In some minds, at least negative attention is less painful than being ignored. Not in mine, but then again I don’t have that broken history to live with.

I have been in a relationship that was, at times, verbally abusive. I would have rather had the abandonment than the harshness. At least in solitude there is peace. Luckily, no one in my life has raised a hand to me. God help them if they did, because I am a bit of a hellcat and you would all know me as the woman who “shot that man in the penis” than the sweet, lovable girl I am!

Anyway, I digress. I was thinking tonight on my way home about the levels of abuse we submit people to and are submitted to. I feel very lucky and blessed that while I can dish a heaping spoonful in the direction needed at times, I have never emotionally hurt another. I have never cut someone to the quick and left them to recover while I sat in haughty appreciation of my skills with the verbal knife. I haven’t left someone with words that still come around and threaten their confidence. It is hard to turn the other cheek and I usually find myself reeling by a personal attack – most often less on the defensive than just feeling wounded and betrayed and unable to speak.

So, before I head off to have a bite of dinner and read for a bit, I want to ask each of you who reads this to take stock of yourselves. Please try to give someone in your life a little extra kindness this week. You never know, you might just be the balm that helps heal the wound inside them. There are a lot of walking wounded out there…..

God Bless –

Bug

Everest

Today I made a hasty exit. I had been too exposed and withdrew immediately. I don’t like being vulnerable and tend to keep safe by keeping to myself.

I know that is not the right way to be, but as the years progress I find that my ability to open up to another is harder. It is my Everest. Today I went to base camp and was left feeling the need to go back down. The air was too thin and I was afraid. No matter how skillful the guide, trust is not easily given in my world anymore. I am not ready to climb mountains. I think a quiet path along a stream is more my comfort zone right now.

Xoxo,
Bug

Dream House

If I could pick a home, I think this would be it! No one could reach you if you wanted to be left alone, there would be no sounds of cars whizzing by or people going through your garbage can and you could go outside in your underwear with the dog!!

Yep, this would be the place, and I would change my name to Heidi and run around barefoot in all that grass and buy a couple of cows and a goat named Molly and sing the "The hills are alive with the sound of music" while wearing traditional Swiss dress and eating Gruyere cheese and Sprungli chocolate.

Good grief, I have lost my mind - I need to go to work.

xoxo,
Bug

p.s. that is a REAL house - I took a picture of it from my train window on my way from Lucerne to Interlaken Switzerland..my guess is that it is a cheese storage house though...

Shhhhh, NO MORE TALKING.....

Why did you call me now? What was the reason you decided to chat with me at 2:20 a.m. and call back at 2:40 a.m. Yes, I was awake, yes I laughed with you, was coy with my answers and tried to seem o.k. with it. But I am tired of this scenario!!

We were together for 7 months - SEVEN MONTHS and you could not move forward with me and now this? Now that I have done the work, cried the tears and stepped towards what is in front of me and you want to know if I want to come for dinner, you want to tell me that you learned to care for others from your relationship with me, you want to tell me that you stepped back into your past and finally closed that chapter?

Well I can't talk this way with you...you see, I am TIRED of this scenario with the men I allow into my life. They don't know a good thing till it's gone and I am left to pick up the pieces and move forward...only to have them call me in the usual three month time frame wanting to be friends with me, wanting to have my laughter back into their lives, wanting that woman who inspires them to be greater than they were, think larger than they did, love bolder than they had before, express themselves physically more than they had before.

Well I just can't do that. Thank you for calling...it is now 3:15 a.m. and I am tired..in more ways than one.

Why does the past always come back to haunt?

Revisiting

Up, up – pushing with legs to reach a bit higher. I was laughing and wanted to jump off, just like when, as a child I sat – full of motion in a spot like this.

The last of the pre-fall nights, still warm enough for sleeveless shirts and bare legs found me feeling alive again.

The difference was, that you were there beside me, swinging even higher. Shoes off and smiling.

What a great way to end an evening with someone you enjoy. Nothing fancy, just swinging on the playground.

Jessica Eh?

Tonight my date said I was like Jessica Rabbit....

Yum...

Night!

xoxo,
Bug

My Heart Is In Motion

I was recalling a conversation I had with my mother a few months back. She and I were talking about volunteerism and how important giving back to others is. I had gone through a little rough patch the past few months, and was pretty down on myself. My mother reminded me that it is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are busy helping others. It is sometimes necessary to take the attention you are giving yourself away from yourself and give it to another.

So I made a decision that I had been pondering over for a few months and gave someone a "yes" answer. I was scared to death when I said it out loud, and was teary for half the day that I was due to begin my volunteering. I was afraid and I was not worthy. I was about to face myself head-on and know that I have never experienced pain like they had, and that my sadness was just a spoiled girls pity party. You see, they know pain - I merely know disappointment.

The sad truth is that every year, the Department of Family and Children's Services removes thousands of children from unhealthy homes. Most people believe that they just go to Foster Homes and that is the end of it. Do you ever think about the children that are so horribly abused that they cannot function in a normal environment? I had not. There are children who are abused physically or sexually over many years by parents or protectors. These children do not understand the idea of "home" as their homes were their torture chambers, not their protected spaces. It is a horrific truth. It humbles me and brings me to tears.

You see, these children need special care. They need intensive therapy. They need reinforcement of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. They need to have gender identity, they need love, they need stability. If you say you will be there - you must be there...for everyone else in their lives let them down. I have decided to be there for as long as it takes.

I have a group of 14 children between the ages of 12 & 17 who have asked for someone to come and talk to them about faith, about God, about love. They needed someone to pray with them and help them understand. I was asked to be that someone. It took me two months to say yes. A large part of that is because of the untimely death of Teri Niles this year. For those of you who know me, you know how painful and significant that passing was to me.

So, in turn - I would like to ask each of you that stop by to read, to say a prayer for me, or send positive thoughts my way when you meditate or have your quiet time. I sure could use the re-enforcement as this is a pretty tough crowd. No more thinking about me....and my disappointments. I am a lucky girl. I have never known true hurt in my life.

Thanks all.

Mellissa

Oh DEAR LORD

I keep having little flashbacks to last night....and shake my head and sigh just the faintest sigh...and smile to myself....

6'4", 260 lbs, legs like tree trunks, blue eyes, extrovert, loving father, mountain, successful, handsome, gentle. I was caught off guard thinking we would be great friends...until he leaned over and kissed me - for three hours....

(((sigh)))

xoxo,
Ladybug

Oh NANCY - PUHLEEZ

Do you all know this woman?? I have kind of a sick relationship going on with Nancy Grace. I happen to catch her on CNN and have a really hard time changing the channel even though I feel pretty nauseous just hearing her voice.

She touts herself as a Childrens' Advocate..but really, she is only advocating herself...and her opinion. It is really odd to watch..and you should hear my impersonation of her...it has gotten pretty good...which is a SAD thing. I think her facial expression over there on the left says it all!

Vanilla

"Is it so bad to be vanilla?", I thought in response to your comment. I miss the vanilla moments in my life.

I miss the comfy white cotton underwear and tee shirt, you know, the kind you wear when life is real and you are not trying to be a hot fudge sundae...you are just natural vanilla in its simplistic beauty.

I miss waking up on a Sunday morning, my face fresh from the shower, no makeup painted on like Neapolitan, strawberry for the lips, chocolate for the eyes...I love the days when my man sees me in my purest...my vanilla face. The real me.

I miss looking up in the middle of the night into eyes that know my soul, and hands that know what I love. Nothing spectacular needed to impress, no inventive flavors, no sprinkles for adornment.....You see, for me, when you truly make love - you just need vanilla. Nothing satisfies your appetite for sweetness quite like it.

Don't get me wrong. I am a master at all the flavors, but somehow, right now in my life I sure would love a little "vanilla".

xoxo,
Bug

What's Up With THAT?

You all know that I just love Williams-Sonoma, love to cook, love to get the catalogue, have All-Clad stainless steel cookware and KNOW how to use it...but I gotta draw the line.

Today as I was thumbing the new arrival...something caught my eye...and you all know how much I love a good rant about a "stupid" thing I see. I think the last time was when Pottery Barn was selling small bags of sand for $8.50..anyway, I digress.

Now, here is the topper. For $49.95 (yes, that is what I meant to type) you can buy a SAUSAGE to serve your guests....(I am quite sure you do not get the cute bayleaf garni shown in photo).

WHAT? Since when do we have to pay $50 for SAUSAGE - and yes, I have to keep capitalizing it - for the impact of how I hear this in my head! O.k. so who cares if it is super duper Italian truffle-fed by Sophia Loren pig, free ranging around the Tuscan countryside. It is still mashed up pig parts stuffed into intestine casing...local markets carry this for $7.99 per pound and I am not even going into the Publix Brand for $5.00 per pack.

I swear - I just gotta go to bed.

P.S. Had a date tonight...was so gonna cancel at the last minute but decided against it. He ended up being nice. But who can think about that when I have all this important rant stuff to talk about.

xoxo,
Bug

Good Evening

Hi there,

Well, as you can see - I am back...it was a nice little break, but now back to blogging as usual!

It is really nice to write again for a smaller readership. On Ladybug, my original Blog, I was getting between 250/300 readers a day. I thought it was a bit too much when you could "Google" Pottery Barn and my site would come up in the first 5 hits...then you know it is time to scale it down a little. I had an amazing year on that Blog. We had the "Cheater Frenchman"...remember him?? Well, girls were also "Googling" his name and guess where they ended up...you got it...so I had lots of emails - all the same line of questioning...I had a lot of laughs just reading and deleting those and thinking "oh, poor girl - you have NO idea what you are getting yourself into." Then there was Footman...yes, a man who happened to notice a picture of me on the Blog with my foot exposed and off he went to pay homage to me on his fetish website...after finding out about the event, I asked him nicely to remove it - and he complied..who would have ever thought!

So you all have been with me through three jobs and two boyfriends, and the suitors that come along from time to time, lots of travel and gossip, the death of one of my readers who became a dearest friend and some serious stuff about my heart and the way I think. For those of you who still follow me and have found the site, thanks for reading along and for laughing with me through the last couple of years.

You will notice that I will re-post many of my Blogs from 2005/2006. None have comments remaining and that is a shame, because I enjoyed those sometimes more than writing!! I erased all the comments when I took down the original Blog.

So, here we go again....let's play!

xoxo,
Ladybug

Jersey Mike's & Cupcakes

I had invited a friend of mine out for brunch for her birthday which was yesterday. She is always complaining about her friends not being interested in her, and that she doesn't have enough of a social life, no man, no family ties, etc. So when I extended the invitation to take her to brunch, she accepted and I thought that was that. I hated to think that she would be alone on her special day.

So I went out and bought her a small gift, wrote a card, baked homemade cupcakes for her. When I caught up with her on IM (our main form of communication) she indicated that she was tired and having a slow morning and so I asked if dinner would be better. After she said yes, I made reservations for dinner at 7:30 p.m. ....she never made it over to my house, she IM'd me after I had left her several IM's saying, is is 6 p.m. ping me when you get in, it is 7:08 p.m. and dinner is at 7:30 p.m., etc. She finally IM'd me that she had fallen asleep and had only woken up 15 minutes prior to seeing my messages....mind you, our dinner was firm and confirmed. I thought she was out for the afternoon maybe doing something productive and fun so not seeing her online did not bother me so much. I just stayed on course to be ready by 7 p.m......

So there I sat, dressed and irritated...so I took myself to Jersey Mike's for a sub and I ate a cupcake for dessert...and to think - my best friend Kerri was having a rough day - and I could have been spending time with her instead.

You see, if you look around and find yourself without friends, without invitations for dinners out, weekends away, people not returning phone calls or emails to you, do the math and rememeber to have a friend, you have to be a friend.

I won't be extending myself to this person anymore. I have true friends to look after.