MARGARET MITCHELL "MAGGIE" 2003-2008

One year ago today I said goodbye to Maggie. She was the greatest companion and I miss her terribly still. Maggie came to me the month I got divorced, and she walked with me in life until two weeks after my son was born. I know this sounds weird, but I had a sense that I was going to lose her in January.  It was just a feeling that had no merit, but one night I was sitting in my office and Maggie was under my feet asleep. I started to cry and I reached under the desk and said "Don't leave me Maggie, please don't leave me." That was one month to the day of her passing.

Maggie loved everything that I brought into the house for Evan while I was pregnant. I would have a bag of maternity clothes, and a bag of things for Evan, and she would always go to his stuff and "shop". There was one item in particular that she wanted above all others. It was a tiny, white stuffed lamb and I would never let her get to it. She would sit on the floor in Evan's nursery and stare up at it on the shelf and whine. I held firm and never gave in on that thing. When I got the call from Georgia Veterinary Specialists to come, that nothing they could do would save her, I ran upstairs and I grabbed that little lamb, left Evan in the care of my mother and drove to be with my girl one last time. I held her and we walked outside on the nature path and went to the creek - just like we did on our daily walks at Chastain park and she had that little lamb in her mouth. So excited and happy to have her "baby" after months of wanting it.

I said my goodbye to her and I waited for the vet to return to me with the news that Maggie was gone. I asked them if I could see her, because in my mind, I would never reconcile that she didn't just walk through the other side of that door and was fine. So they brought her to me, all snuggled up in a blanket - like she used to sleep. She was at peace, and tucked right there beside her was her lamb...and my heart.

I miss you Maggie, thank you for the wonderful years of friendship and thank you for the love you filled me with.

Above: Eight weeks old - nappin' under the sofa
Below: Birthday morning - your usual perch while I write.

Facing the Past

I lived with the knowledge of it for almost a year. I was still in the throes of a memory and not something that actually affects me today or the person I have come back to being secure in.

Two years ago, I would never have been intimidated by anyone. That was always a good thing about me, I was a confident and secure person, a person who knew her worth. It was a value set into me by my parents, and it made my foundation strong in life. I guess you could say I was a tree with deep roots.

Then came an unexpected pregnancy, an unexpected abandonment and after a difficult birth an unexpected revelation that there had been someone else. A secret. Ironically, the secret was really only from me. Others knew about it, his family, some of his friends, and the man I was having a child with. I was the one in the dark, the one who was blindsided. While I knew we weren't a couple during my pregnancy, words were spoken that were manipulative, words such as "I don't know the future holds," or "I haven't given up on us" or "I'm afraid that I will realize that I am in love with you and then it will be too late." All just acts and words to hide actions.

After giving birth, a woman is vulnerable - she is not herself and no woman should have had to endure the trials that I did, the pain that I was put through. The lies. The disrespect. The emotional play.

So Saturday I completed one of the last tasks in my cycle of healing. I took back the last key to allowing someone to play me or hurt me. I stood before the woman who was part of the secret. I stood with my son and I stood proud before her. I was not intimidated, I did not feel like the ugly duckling and I was no longer the woman who was fragile and unsure because of birth. I shook her hand and she said, "Hi, I'm Margaret, nice to meet you.", I just looked her firmly in the eye and said "Mellissa", not adding any sort of lie to the introduction.

I felt such a release at that moment for me and my future. As she clapped her hands and spoke to my son, seeming a little nervous and out of her element with wet hair and no socks outside in the windy, cool day, I stood complete and beautiful as a woman, as Evan's mother and as a person who has made miraculous strides in less than a year.  I held a diamond in my arms and she was just a girl who won a broken man.

As I drove away with my son to meet friends for lunch, I smiled a little to myself about the leftovers standing in the driveway.

xoxo,
Bug