This morning I was looking back at my photo albums, looking for some photographs of my yard and deck from when I was married. Working out in Greg’s yard the past few days reminded me of when I had that pride of planting in my own yard, that sense of satisfaction and things in bloom.
Instead, I came across some photographs of myself before my surgery and I started thinking about weight and how it affects people and how I felt back then. You see, I was always a thin child, a thin adult until I was about 35 years old.
Looking back at the photographs of myself just before surgery I was reminded of the pain, the embarrassment and the confusion of that time. I went from 145 lbs to 184 lbs in a year. I felt horrible and masculine. I started fighting the weight gain as best I knew how. I cut my food back to one meal a day; I hired a personal trainer and worked out four to five days a week. I was sore all the time and took Epsom salt baths to ease my muscles and Motrin to ease the pain. Nothing was working and the weight kept coming on. I felt so defeated and desperate. I was wearing a size 16 and dressing in a lot of black to hide the flaws. I was always immaculate and well groomed, but inside I was a horrible mess.
I began a diet in an attempt to fight it. I joined Weight Watchers and began eating five small meals a day and the weight jumped again. I focused on food more than anything, was I eating it all wrong? Was I following directions closely enough? I obsessed about it. I began to purge if I felt that I had eaten something “wrong”; food was the “enemy”. My trainer was killing me, she was as frustrated as I was and she overworked me in an attempt to force my body to burn the fat. I had pulled muscles all the time and my ribs hurt. I quickly realized that I could not “rid” myself of the food I ate so I stopped that habit quickly and resumed the one meal a day rule. Not the best plan, but better than what I was doing.
I was convinced that people thought I was lying about being confused by the weight-gain. I was sure they believed that I was stopping off at the donut shop or eating in secret. I wasn’t. It was just all beyond my control.
I am so thankful that I found out what the problem was after reading an article about the news anchor Jane Robelot. A viewer had been watching her newscast and noticed a swelling in her neck and wrote to her about it. It turns out that she had Grave’s disease, an autoimmune disease caused by the malfunction of the Thyroid gland. I reached up to feel my neck. I had thought that it was swollen, but attributed it to my weight gain. Feeling that this was a sign, I called my doctor and made an appointment. Sure enough, I had a tumor the size of an egg on the right lobe of my Thyroid and had developed a disease called Hashimoto’s Tyroiditis. Needle biopsies, radioactive iodine treatments and monitoring followed and then the news that I needed an immediate complete Tyroidectomy. I was so happy in a way to know that I wasn’t to “blame” for what had happened to me, and at the same time I was afraid of a major surgery. My tumor had suspect cells that my Endocrinologist and ENT felt were pre-cancerous. They said they needed to remove my Thyroid immediately so the four hour surgery was scheduled.
It is now three and a half years later and I am down to 155 lbs and my medication is finally working effectively (it took three years). I have ten pounds to go and a determination to work it off the right way, the balanced way. Most of the weight came off immediately after my surgery and I felt good again. I felt vindicated, I felt pretty again. I was a size 10.
Then one day a man I was dating made a statement that cut me like nothing I had experienced before. He attacked me about my body, he told me that I had a “big ass” and that my body was “borderline on what a man finds attractive.” Although I have forgiven him, those words still haunt me. He did not know of the deep emotional pain I still had about that time in my life. He was not aware of the real struggle I had or the desperate lengths I had gone through. He took something with those words, and I felt so ugly and unattractive; again. If he felt that way about me, I imagined so did everyone else. I was fat, I was unworthy and I was unattractive. I did not want to be naked in front of him anymore, and each time I took my clothes off I wondered to myself what he was thinking. I could not express myself sexually with him in the ways I had done before. My mind was always reverting back to what I knew he “really” thought of me. It was a difficult time and the relationship ultimately did not survive, mostly based on that, even though I never told him that was the reason.
Now I am in a quasi-relationship with a man who has a perfect body. Perfect. He works out five days a week, has a body that people glance sideways at when we are out and looks like a masterpiece of human form. He also is kind to me about my body, he wants to hold me and touch me and leave the lights on so he can see every inch of me. At first that was hard as I was ashamed, thinking that surely he hated the way I looked too and just was not saying it. He called me a “hottie”, said I was “gorgeous” and he really meant it. I remember not wanting to meet him at first. I was convinced that he would reject me based on my less than perfect body. I thought he would take one look at me and send me away, not telling me the real reason why. He didn’t do that.
His kindness and acceptance of me, just the way I am gave me the ultimate motivation to become the best I can be. I am making such progress and loving what I see in the mirror again. I still have round thighs, and a stomach that needs to flatten out and a layer of fat that covers me in areas I don’t want it to, but it is only a matter of time before it retreats now that my body is repaired and has the metabolic ability to burn. He gave me a gift in his kindness to me, in his acceptance of me. He will never know the amount of that gift, or what he gave back to me. I can stand fully in front of him, no inhibitions and no fear. He gives me tools to help me instead of humiliation. He inspires me to be better, and better I am becoming because of him.
So in closing, I am sharing this with you all today to say this. Be kind to people, no matter what the “imperfection” in them might be. Be supportive, be loving, and motivate though example and participation. Choose words carefully and think before you speak. We are all so fragile and need love and understanding. Life is hard enough, especially when someone is fighting to accept and love themselves. I think we all have something inside that hurts us. When you start to criticize someone, think about what it is inside of you that causes you pain and embarrassment and use that to temper your words. Lead by example, empower people to be their best – and realize that might be something different than your best.
I know that what I went through made me a better person, a kinder person and a more empathetic person. When I look back now on that time in my life, I am thankful that I experienced it, as it caused me to grow and be a better person now, a more understanding person now.
And to Greg, thank you for your support and your kind words, and your acceptance of me. You give me wings and you made me feel truly beautiful again. It is the most valuable gift I have ever received in my life.
Ephesians 4:32
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another....."
Tenderhearted means that we are sensitive to the distresses and sufferings of others, and move quickly to do what we can to aid them.
Instead, I came across some photographs of myself before my surgery and I started thinking about weight and how it affects people and how I felt back then. You see, I was always a thin child, a thin adult until I was about 35 years old.
Looking back at the photographs of myself just before surgery I was reminded of the pain, the embarrassment and the confusion of that time. I went from 145 lbs to 184 lbs in a year. I felt horrible and masculine. I started fighting the weight gain as best I knew how. I cut my food back to one meal a day; I hired a personal trainer and worked out four to five days a week. I was sore all the time and took Epsom salt baths to ease my muscles and Motrin to ease the pain. Nothing was working and the weight kept coming on. I felt so defeated and desperate. I was wearing a size 16 and dressing in a lot of black to hide the flaws. I was always immaculate and well groomed, but inside I was a horrible mess.
I began a diet in an attempt to fight it. I joined Weight Watchers and began eating five small meals a day and the weight jumped again. I focused on food more than anything, was I eating it all wrong? Was I following directions closely enough? I obsessed about it. I began to purge if I felt that I had eaten something “wrong”; food was the “enemy”. My trainer was killing me, she was as frustrated as I was and she overworked me in an attempt to force my body to burn the fat. I had pulled muscles all the time and my ribs hurt. I quickly realized that I could not “rid” myself of the food I ate so I stopped that habit quickly and resumed the one meal a day rule. Not the best plan, but better than what I was doing.
I was convinced that people thought I was lying about being confused by the weight-gain. I was sure they believed that I was stopping off at the donut shop or eating in secret. I wasn’t. It was just all beyond my control.
I am so thankful that I found out what the problem was after reading an article about the news anchor Jane Robelot. A viewer had been watching her newscast and noticed a swelling in her neck and wrote to her about it. It turns out that she had Grave’s disease, an autoimmune disease caused by the malfunction of the Thyroid gland. I reached up to feel my neck. I had thought that it was swollen, but attributed it to my weight gain. Feeling that this was a sign, I called my doctor and made an appointment. Sure enough, I had a tumor the size of an egg on the right lobe of my Thyroid and had developed a disease called Hashimoto’s Tyroiditis. Needle biopsies, radioactive iodine treatments and monitoring followed and then the news that I needed an immediate complete Tyroidectomy. I was so happy in a way to know that I wasn’t to “blame” for what had happened to me, and at the same time I was afraid of a major surgery. My tumor had suspect cells that my Endocrinologist and ENT felt were pre-cancerous. They said they needed to remove my Thyroid immediately so the four hour surgery was scheduled.
It is now three and a half years later and I am down to 155 lbs and my medication is finally working effectively (it took three years). I have ten pounds to go and a determination to work it off the right way, the balanced way. Most of the weight came off immediately after my surgery and I felt good again. I felt vindicated, I felt pretty again. I was a size 10.
Then one day a man I was dating made a statement that cut me like nothing I had experienced before. He attacked me about my body, he told me that I had a “big ass” and that my body was “borderline on what a man finds attractive.” Although I have forgiven him, those words still haunt me. He did not know of the deep emotional pain I still had about that time in my life. He was not aware of the real struggle I had or the desperate lengths I had gone through. He took something with those words, and I felt so ugly and unattractive; again. If he felt that way about me, I imagined so did everyone else. I was fat, I was unworthy and I was unattractive. I did not want to be naked in front of him anymore, and each time I took my clothes off I wondered to myself what he was thinking. I could not express myself sexually with him in the ways I had done before. My mind was always reverting back to what I knew he “really” thought of me. It was a difficult time and the relationship ultimately did not survive, mostly based on that, even though I never told him that was the reason.
Now I am in a quasi-relationship with a man who has a perfect body. Perfect. He works out five days a week, has a body that people glance sideways at when we are out and looks like a masterpiece of human form. He also is kind to me about my body, he wants to hold me and touch me and leave the lights on so he can see every inch of me. At first that was hard as I was ashamed, thinking that surely he hated the way I looked too and just was not saying it. He called me a “hottie”, said I was “gorgeous” and he really meant it. I remember not wanting to meet him at first. I was convinced that he would reject me based on my less than perfect body. I thought he would take one look at me and send me away, not telling me the real reason why. He didn’t do that.
His kindness and acceptance of me, just the way I am gave me the ultimate motivation to become the best I can be. I am making such progress and loving what I see in the mirror again. I still have round thighs, and a stomach that needs to flatten out and a layer of fat that covers me in areas I don’t want it to, but it is only a matter of time before it retreats now that my body is repaired and has the metabolic ability to burn. He gave me a gift in his kindness to me, in his acceptance of me. He will never know the amount of that gift, or what he gave back to me. I can stand fully in front of him, no inhibitions and no fear. He gives me tools to help me instead of humiliation. He inspires me to be better, and better I am becoming because of him.
So in closing, I am sharing this with you all today to say this. Be kind to people, no matter what the “imperfection” in them might be. Be supportive, be loving, and motivate though example and participation. Choose words carefully and think before you speak. We are all so fragile and need love and understanding. Life is hard enough, especially when someone is fighting to accept and love themselves. I think we all have something inside that hurts us. When you start to criticize someone, think about what it is inside of you that causes you pain and embarrassment and use that to temper your words. Lead by example, empower people to be their best – and realize that might be something different than your best.
I know that what I went through made me a better person, a kinder person and a more empathetic person. When I look back now on that time in my life, I am thankful that I experienced it, as it caused me to grow and be a better person now, a more understanding person now.
And to Greg, thank you for your support and your kind words, and your acceptance of me. You give me wings and you made me feel truly beautiful again. It is the most valuable gift I have ever received in my life.
Ephesians 4:32
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another....."
Tenderhearted means that we are sensitive to the distresses and sufferings of others, and move quickly to do what we can to aid them.
5 comments:
I love that "in closing" paragraph that you wrote. Very simple, yet profound, advice.
Here's to hoping your relationship with Greg becomes all you want it to be. You deserve nothing but the best, my friend.
g
An excellent post. I wish we thought of the power of our words to hurt another. My ex told me I was "repulsive" a few months after childbirth. I still hear that echoing in my head every single time I look in the mirror or put on clothing that is bigger than the former size 6. The psychology would take longer than a comment to explain, but I think I've held on to the weight longer because of the hurt caused by that and similar criticisms.
Mellissa, I didn't know you'd been through all of this. Sounds like Greg might have some idea of how amazing you are! We don't retain the beauty of youth forever. God has given us much more important things to love about one another.
Mellissa, will you be my therapist? You do me worlds of good when I come here to read.
Beautiful post Mel.
I'm really sorry that person made such ugly comments to you, because in truth, it's the beauty from inside that should define all of us - not the outward appearance, which I think you know I feel strongly about.
You are gorgeous, both inside and out, and so long as you love yourself - I dont see how anyone else couldn't love you either. I think your optimism can be infectious.
No one should not be defined by their clothing size; and no one should be defined by who others think they should or shouldn't be - but merely by who they are and what actions they do in their lives.
Hugs,
Rebecca
Mellissa, I propose that we get over ourselves and stop sending negative messages to each other. I do not care who had the first or last word. It is not healthy for either one of us to communicate with each other in that manner. It is hypocritical and judgmental. Both of these are qualities that we certainly show to each other and perhaps to no one else. For some reason we think we have privilege with each other but we do not.
FYI I offered you a place to stay when perhaps I thought you may need it not for selfish reasons, I have offered a place to stay for other people as well, and have had people stay at the house. For some reason we both take what we feel are good intentions at times and twist them around from our memories of our relationship.
Here is my memory of us now. I loved you, you were one in a million, but God's timing for us took us in different directions. That is it, I wish you the best you are a wonderful person. Please leave my wife and I alone, and I will do the same. You can read the blog, pop your head in to see little feet and smile, please lets if we are going to communicate build each other up not down. I believe this is the best medicine for us. No new assholes.
Lance
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