Facing the Past

I lived with the knowledge of it for almost a year. I was still in the throes of a memory and not something that actually affects me today or the person I have come back to being secure in.

Two years ago, I would never have been intimidated by anyone. That was always a good thing about me, I was a confident and secure person, a person who knew her worth. It was a value set into me by my parents, and it made my foundation strong in life. I guess you could say I was a tree with deep roots.

Then came an unexpected pregnancy, an unexpected abandonment and after a difficult birth an unexpected revelation that there had been someone else. A secret. Ironically, the secret was really only from me. Others knew about it, his family, some of his friends, and the man I was having a child with. I was the one in the dark, the one who was blindsided. While I knew we weren't a couple during my pregnancy, words were spoken that were manipulative, words such as "I don't know the future holds," or "I haven't given up on us" or "I'm afraid that I will realize that I am in love with you and then it will be too late." All just acts and words to hide actions.

After giving birth, a woman is vulnerable - she is not herself and no woman should have had to endure the trials that I did, the pain that I was put through. The lies. The disrespect. The emotional play.

So Saturday I completed one of the last tasks in my cycle of healing. I took back the last key to allowing someone to play me or hurt me. I stood before the woman who was part of the secret. I stood with my son and I stood proud before her. I was not intimidated, I did not feel like the ugly duckling and I was no longer the woman who was fragile and unsure because of birth. I shook her hand and she said, "Hi, I'm Margaret, nice to meet you.", I just looked her firmly in the eye and said "Mellissa", not adding any sort of lie to the introduction.

I felt such a release at that moment for me and my future. As she clapped her hands and spoke to my son, seeming a little nervous and out of her element with wet hair and no socks outside in the windy, cool day, I stood complete and beautiful as a woman, as Evan's mother and as a person who has made miraculous strides in less than a year.  I held a diamond in my arms and she was just a girl who won a broken man.

As I drove away with my son to meet friends for lunch, I smiled a little to myself about the leftovers standing in the driveway.

xoxo,
Bug