Not Ready

You see, I logged on and clicked that button that said “Re-activate” and off I went. 503 viewings, endless “winks” and mindless emails. Everyone the same – I am amazing, I sound “terrific” “what does a guy have to do…” blah, blah, BLAH!!!

As I typed in a name, that I would recognize, I recoiled for the first time in my life, I literally pulled back and a gasp escaped my throat as I saw the photograph there. It hurt a lot but I swallowed hard and said “Lord, I trust YOU above all for what is best for me.” I kept repeating that for the rest of the day when I felt down, and honestly, a few times today as well.

I went back to that site today and canceled my membership. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be looked at like a book on Amazon.com I don’t want silly emails to read or even want to respond for that matter.

You see, I met someone that I really cared for. I was falling in love with this person – albeit it was in the Limerance phase of it – it was pretty special to me. So that being said, I am going to stay solo. I am not moving to NEXT as would be so easy to do to mask everything.

I prayed a lot over Easter and I have to accept and to live that I trust God above ALL else for what I need in my life. I don’t need praise from men, I don’t need attention, I just need to be and I need to wait and to listen.

I, like all of the rest of us, just want to be loved and to love in return. I want to matter to someone at the end of a long day. I want to share my life laughing and caring and nesting and sharing and cooking and hugging and listening to old songs that make you crack up and remember “when”.

I have been through two breakups in five months and that is enough for anyone to pull in and pull back. I will just wait at the shoreline and watch the tide roll in (thanks for that one Mom) and hope that one day, I will receive the message in that little bottle. The message just for me – I hope it will say – “Thank you for waiting for me…I am here now.”

I still can’t help but dream a little that the signature on that note will be from….you. I wish I could have said we could be friends, I wish I could believe that that would work. But I don’t want to be just your friend, although that was very special, and something I am missing very much.