There are times when I sit back and think about what I am, who I am and the things that move me or habits I have. I find that the older I get the more I stop during the day and have little vignettes of thoughts or impressions about life. It is an amazing feeling. Just the clarity of my thoughts.
As I am sitting on the plane today, I am watching a mother with a baby; he is about 7 months old and is a bit of a good mimicker. If I stick out my tongue, he does too and then he smiles in triumph at his ability to mimic me.
Being back in San Francisco was a bit hard on me. As I walked from my hotel room to the lobby to go to work, I looked out and saw that beautiful city gleaming off in the distance and I started to tear up. It was because I completed a circle in my life. I closed the loop on an open thread. The last time I was here I was 24 years old, newly married and full of dreams. This is where my adult life began. I started married life here, my professional life here and faced my weaknesses here, my youth portal.
So standing back in this city again, now 38 years old was something to face. I looked back at the past and dealt with the fact that my life is not at all what I pictured when I saw this view last time. I missed Ted at that moment and wanted to call him but it was too late to ring him on the East coast. I felt really alone at that moment. Not lonely, just alone. I realized how different things are now, how it really is just me out here making my way in the world.
I also notice men now – not in the way you think, but I notice the ones who are protecting the woman they love, cloaking her, cuddling her, whispering to her and I can feel exactly what is going on there. I remember that feeling and it is so interesting to me now to witness it in action, in the third person. I am totally separate from it but my spirit jumps a little because it remembers when I used to have that. It is like muscle memory, or being able to navigate your house in the dark. Your soul remembers things too. It calibrates your life and remembers.
It is a funny reality for me now – that there is no one waiting for me. No matter where I go. There is no one waiting…..and that is o.k. For the first time I can really say “it’s o.k.”
Mellissa
As I am sitting on the plane today, I am watching a mother with a baby; he is about 7 months old and is a bit of a good mimicker. If I stick out my tongue, he does too and then he smiles in triumph at his ability to mimic me.
Being back in San Francisco was a bit hard on me. As I walked from my hotel room to the lobby to go to work, I looked out and saw that beautiful city gleaming off in the distance and I started to tear up. It was because I completed a circle in my life. I closed the loop on an open thread. The last time I was here I was 24 years old, newly married and full of dreams. This is where my adult life began. I started married life here, my professional life here and faced my weaknesses here, my youth portal.
So standing back in this city again, now 38 years old was something to face. I looked back at the past and dealt with the fact that my life is not at all what I pictured when I saw this view last time. I missed Ted at that moment and wanted to call him but it was too late to ring him on the East coast. I felt really alone at that moment. Not lonely, just alone. I realized how different things are now, how it really is just me out here making my way in the world.
I also notice men now – not in the way you think, but I notice the ones who are protecting the woman they love, cloaking her, cuddling her, whispering to her and I can feel exactly what is going on there. I remember that feeling and it is so interesting to me now to witness it in action, in the third person. I am totally separate from it but my spirit jumps a little because it remembers when I used to have that. It is like muscle memory, or being able to navigate your house in the dark. Your soul remembers things too. It calibrates your life and remembers.
It is a funny reality for me now – that there is no one waiting for me. No matter where I go. There is no one waiting…..and that is o.k. For the first time I can really say “it’s o.k.”
Mellissa
8 comments:
I don't think there's many of us who are living the dreams we had 10-15 years ago. Dreams are wonderful and make us feel good. Goals are the things that need to focus our future.
Welcome home. We missed you.
It is a beautiful city... a great one to start life at and a forgiving one to reflect back on during a revisit. Perhaps it is it's quirky independent spirit that served to remind you that you are too... and that it's OK.
Glad to have you back though. :)
Cheers!
Let me tell you something Mel. Even as a married woman - I notice those very same men for the same reason. Sometimes being with someone, doesn't always equate to getting what we want...
Aren't those really special things between partners!? I really miss the little things!
... I read your post yesterday and it made me cry ... these 'it's ok' moments are still hard for me and when I think them, I still shed tears ... but Bug, until when is it gonna be still 'it's ok'?
I love the post by the way.
That's a beautiful post. Isn't it wonderful to be at peace with who and where we are?
My best to you always.
I'm always glad when I come here to read . Beautiful post my friend. I share so many of the same thoughts....I, too, am saying "it's ok."
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