Blind Dreams and Other Stuff

I have been having the blind dreams again. I had one yesterday and I hate that!! It is always the same thing - I am usually out driving a car and the sun comes straight in and I can't see so I start squinting and eventually I can't open my eyes anymore. It is so real and the fear hits me that I am going to crash into something, things are all around me and I need to see but my eyes wont open.

Yesterday, however I was on a bike instead of in a car, and for the first time I made contact with something, something rubbed my back tire from behind and I was powerless to see what what happening to me. I am never hurt in these dreams, I have just lost control and can't help myself out of a situation. I never remember the ending but my eyes are sensitive in real life for a day or so after the dream and I am squinty and I fear that in real life my eyes are going to close and not open up again. Pretty odd stuff, I know!

A couple of my posts this last week were homework assignments from my life coach. The one about work and the one about crying. When I can't get an answer out for him, he asks me to write about it because I can express myself more easily through the keypad. Truth seems to come out faster that way.

My Tuesdays have become hard days. It is a mix of anticipation and dread. I call them Tuesday's with David...sort of like that book Tuesday's With Morrie. I am learning a lot about myself and why I react to things the way I do. I am much more cognizant of my thoughts and I worry about the things I do when I am in the middle of doing them. I have started to ask myself "Is this the best thing for ME at this time." I don't always listen to myself, but I guess that will come in time. I think putting my thoughts into action will be the hardest part.

Right now I am struggling over something. I am really struggling hard and I feel really jittery and nervous. I hate that feeling but I don't know how to make it stop. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. I know what it is. I know exactly what it is and it really makes me mad. I won't say it out loud here on the blog but I am really in that "Oh CRAP, not THIS" mindset and I feel powerless over controlling my feelings. I know in the back of my mind the whole scenario and I know that I will get hurt and knocked down. I am angry at myself for being so stupid and powerless and such a freakin' marshmallow. Yelling at myself, however, isn't helping any...trust me, if I could yell my way out of this I would. I keep humming that song "Stupid Girl" in my head. Guess all this is why I had the blind dream again. My subconscious is yelling at me too. BLIND STUPID CHICK...open up your eyes and have a good look.

Well, it is almost noon here in Atlanta so I better stop writing and get on with the plan of the day. I am gonna warn you that the posts here are probably gonna be pretty raw and personal over the next little bit, so if you can't handle it I would just stop reading. If you are going to be judgemental and expectant of fluff and rainbows all the time you might need a break from logging on here. I have a lot of homework to do, and some of it will present itself in my ever-present metaphoric writing style and some just straight up and out. I'm just warning you in advance.....if you are the type that is inclined to leave a hurtful comment then know that I am the type to hold a grudge. Not pretty, but true, so tread lightly and remember this Blog is really for ME, and that is o.k.

M