I went to see Evan early this morning to spend time with him and take him to school. I love watching him move his fingers and dance around and wiggle. He is so beautiful, so worthy of our very best. Look at the photograph of him - he is such a light and joy. He is worth more than he is getting.
I look at my situation and I wonder sometimes about what he will know of security, of family values, of sacrifice for the greater good, of putting your selfish needs last to ensure the well-being of another.
I wonder if he will praise me for bridging the gap as I have, or if he will see me as a weak person who compromised her value structure. I wonder if he will look at his father as a man who did not chose to shelter and legitimize his mother, choosing instead an out of town option for fulfillment.
It bothers me quite often and I feel that we do not have the proper family values, that he will feel that he was not enough to run the gamut for. I just don't ever want him to hurt because the two people he loves the most are apart and he must split his life with each of us in half. It is an unfair price for a child to have to pay, but the power was not mine to change it.
Mellissa
6 comments:
Good In Theory? It will be many years before your son will ponder any of these questions. You still have time to correct a direction you are unhappy with.
The questions you ask are definately heavy on your heart. You son does not live his life with an asterik on his heart, he looks full of life and joy.
If you can reflect the goodness that you have in your life and celebrate the decisions you made and move forward, your son will reflect the same strengths.
I do not look at you as less because you made some tough decisions, I see you as greater. Try not to let your strengths become your weaknesses.
The hurt you feel will heal, your desire to a family is a strong one that many of us desire from an early age.
The one thing I know from reading your blog is that you have two halfs. One is the intensely strong woman and the other is a soft boiled egg. Both have beauty, reflections of vulnerability will not undermine your son's ability to love. Your desire to be a tradtional family is a shared responsibility between you and the father of son. It is not yours or his alone.
Life is attractional, and you are a person who draws a people to themself. Live as you are designed and greatest gifted. Your son will respect his mom and love her no matter the choices that have been made.
As for who this is, you know who this is, I hope you are well.
I can relate to the feelings you are dealing with. In my case being a divorcee and only seeing my two kids on the weekends and wondering if they know/understand the reasons why you are not together with Greg as a couple.
Yet, if you love Evan with all your heart (it's evident that you do) and if Greg does too, and you both continue to demonstrate that to him, he will understand that it is not his fault why you and Greg do not live together - and he will certainly not love you (or his dad) any less because of it.
Thank you Green,
Many of the resons I am going through this time in life is so that Evan doesn't have the every other weekend and some holidays kind of life with his Dad. Greg loves that little boy the same as I do. It is that love that makes me ache inside for him to have the best life can offer.
Plus, I miss him so much when he is away from me. It feels like a punishment in some regards. Sleeping in a house without my son is not right, it is not the way I want things for him - or for me.
Mellissa
You don't know me from Adam, but I've been reading here for sometime (I think I found my way here via Cheryl at Hildebrand Road) and want to comment if I may.
I am the father of three marvelous children about whom I have wondered and asked many of the same questions you've articulated here. We've been divorced for ten years and, quite frankly, the questions still sneak up and haunt me from time to time.
The fact that you are aware of these deep questions for your son is admirable. Sometimes it is that unfortunate separation that causes you to love them even better; Better than if you'd had that 'together family' that you desire for him.The fact that the two of you (his father and you) don't share the same values doesn't mean YOU don't have the proper family values. The fact that it bothers you is testament to the fact that you do. Your son will see it; he will know it and appreciate that it came attached with a deep love from his mother.
That's my two cents. I hope I'm not being intrusive :)
Hey Mel,
I may not have children but i'll my add my 2 cents here, from what i know about life. I come from a broken family, separated parents because of the only fact that divorce takes time and cost materialistcally much where i come from. When i remember the fights for over 20 years, the eagerness to be able to sleep without screaming, running away from the house to avoid being caught in the middle and being torn between the 2 as they never missed an opportunity to pull the children to a side, i prefered many times they lived far from each other.
Family values got lost in between, whatever did not affect me, affected my brothers in a way, whatever they managed to be above, i had trouble with. Forget about going to church every sunday and all that stuff, as children we took advantage of every possible gap in that scenario we were living or made to live.
The positive result on all 3 of us - greater affection for each other (each time one of us is going through a difficult period, the other 2 are there, no matter how, no matter where) and for them believe it or not ... separately, more than one would imagine.
Throughout the years, i struggled before i was able to analyze and understand their inexperience in dealing with their problems, their ignorance in seeing how this affects their children's growth, character building, fears, etc. Today i don't blame them, i think of our culture and the inteferences and just wish they were left to think their situation over and find solutions i.e. including the decision to go about their lives separately, this would have saved us many many sleepless nights, many wonderings around not knowing what to do, what to think, what to feel, many questions, many fears, many complexes to solve and move on.
I think at one point your son (especially with the way you're bringing him up), he will be able to understand that some things in life cannot be forced and that under such circumstances, you and his father made the decision to provide him a life which is as close to normal as it can possibly be.
Sometimes, a bit of inconvenience in life makes you value the small things about life itself instead of taking them for granted.
Mellissa and Evan, we love you so much!!!!! Jeff (your Cherry Pie) and I have both told you... WE WANT TO ADOPT YOU BOTH!!!! YOU and EVAN are so very loved!
Post a Comment