I woke up this morning thinking about how my life used to be. Not in a way that is unappreciative of the blessing of my son and the presence of him in my life, but of how I miss the markers and identifiers of the woman who is me.
Is it OK to miss what was, to miss the parts of a life that you created that fulfilled you? Does it make you selfish to look in the rearview mirror and miss what you see there?
When my eyes opened this morning I was thinking about the South of France, specifically the wedding of Frederique and Oliver. The memory was so vivid for me that it was like watching a movie of it. I miss that life sometimes, I miss that girl, I miss going to Saks and buying a beautiful dress and Stuart Weitzman shoes that make me feel like Marilyn Monroe (only the shoe part!) I miss sipping champagne at a table of international thinkers, or laughter with those who are like me. I miss meeting new people, seeing new sights, dreaming of adventures and feeling in touch with myself.
In conversation with a co-worker yesterday she said out of the blue "You must miss your old life so much." and I guess I had never really allowed myself that feeling until she said it out loud and gave me pause for thought. Yes, I do miss it. I miss my home in Atlanta, that is my town. I miss being financially secure and I don't like earning 1/4 of what I used to earn. I miss girlfriends, and boyfriends, and I miss Maggie. I miss beautiful clothes and shoes, I miss my 401K, I miss dancing and I miss the airport. I miss conversation about world politics and art. Here in TN they seem to talk too much about football - so not my thing.
I don't mean at all to sound pretentious - because that is not the tone I am writing this in. It is not the vein that courses. I simply am different than this place. I simply am treading water and keeping up with the small waves on this tiny lake. I just wonder how will it all be for me in the future. Will I always long for the girl I once was. I really liked her and the adventures that she had.
However, I made a choice to give up a lot for my son and for his father. They are happy together and they love each other and my son is better for it. I just wonder though, what about me? What about Nashville - would that fit a bit better? Does Tim McGraw need a private secretary that knows about planes and runways and wine and dinner parties and stock trades and how to prepare the household staff for a big party? Maybe so - and after all, it IS only 2 hours away....
xoxo,
Bug
2 comments:
I understand a lot of these feelings. Though I'm not from a huge city, I grew up with art and books and music and words. Moving here has been very difficult because, though I've met some wonderful people there are precious few that really 'get' me. And I know that somewhere there is something I could be doing where I would earn more than what I'm making and life wouldn't be such a difficult struggle.
That being said, I don't regret the majority of my choices. I took the jobs I have because it allowed me to be with my children and to help them with difficult transitions in their young lives. I won't look back on these years and think, "I wish I would've spent more time with them," because we have not only had the quality time, but also the quantity. And it isn't always about being there for 'important' things but simply being there in those moments of little that all add up to a wonderfully large life.
You don't have to sacrifice all of you either, though. Growing up in the country, I remember my mother sitting at the kitchen table, painting and drawing, growing beautiful flowers out in the garden and singing wherever she went. She has bloomed everywhere she's been planted and I think perhaps, she learned that secret of how to 'be me' wherever she was.
I am confident that you will find the perfect fit for both you and Evan and that your lives will indeed, sing.
Ouch...
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