I lived with the knowledge of it for almost a year. I was still in the throes of a memory and not something that actually affects me today or the person I have come back to being secure in.
Two years ago, I would never have been intimidated by anyone. That was always a good thing about me, I was a confident and secure person, a person who knew her worth. It was a value set into me by my parents, and it made my foundation strong in life. I guess you could say I was a tree with deep roots.
Then came an unexpected pregnancy, an unexpected abandonment and after a difficult birth an unexpected revelation that there had been someone else. A secret. Ironically, the secret was really only from me. Others knew about it, his family, some of his friends, and the man I was having a child with. I was the one in the dark, the one who was blindsided. While I knew we weren't a couple during my pregnancy, words were spoken that were manipulative, words such as "I don't know the future holds," or "I haven't given up on us" or "I'm afraid that I will realize that I am in love with you and then it will be too late." All just acts and words to hide actions.
After giving birth, a woman is vulnerable - she is not herself and no woman should have had to endure the trials that I did, the pain that I was put through. The lies. The disrespect. The emotional play.
So Saturday I completed one of the last tasks in my cycle of healing. I took back the last key to allowing someone to play me or hurt me. I stood before the woman who was part of the secret. I stood with my son and I stood proud before her. I was not intimidated, I did not feel like the ugly duckling and I was no longer the woman who was fragile and unsure because of birth. I shook her hand and she said, "Hi, I'm Margaret, nice to meet you.", I just looked her firmly in the eye and said "Mellissa", not adding any sort of lie to the introduction.
I felt such a release at that moment for me and my future. As she clapped her hands and spoke to my son, seeming a little nervous and out of her element with wet hair and no socks outside in the windy, cool day, I stood complete and beautiful as a woman, as Evan's mother and as a person who has made miraculous strides in less than a year. I held a diamond in my arms and she was just a girl who won a broken man.
As I drove away with my son to meet friends for lunch, I smiled a little to myself about the leftovers standing in the driveway.
xoxo,
Bug
5 comments:
I am proud of you. The beauty part comes from within and your acceptence of yourself. The gift is your son and your role in it.
You have something that is real and rewarding. Hold on tight to that.
I am sad that many men dont value that or recognise this. I dont know the man you speak of, but it never makes sense to me when men do this.
Oops..sorry, got a little carried away. Bottom line. Proud of you.
I'm glad you are standing where you are today, and with the beautiful blessing of your son.
Thank you Mike and Lori, it feels good to finally be in a good spot and with the greatest little boy to walk beside me in life.
God is wonderful in his renewal!!
Mellissa
I love you.
I am so proud of you :D
I feel like hugging you right now xox.
Reading this post makes me so happy knowing that you are where you are today.
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