Not Like That OK?

I am happy we got a small "do over".  Sitting there next to you like a polite acquaintance was not the way I wanted to remember us, and I left with regret.  The day after was filled with many thoughts of you, us, me and the why's of so many things.  I kept swatting the memories away like flies, but they would return to buzz and circle around me.  It was annoying and difficult, and I was mentally kicking myself for thinking I was advanced enough in this process to see you in person.

I noticed that your hair seemed to have more grey in it and that you looked worn.  Your eyes were flat and you were quite removed from things.  I immediately noticed your ring and it stung.  I had never seen it or known that part of you.  I trivialized the design to make myself feel less intimidated by it's presence.

I abruptly stood and left you there.  We didn't really say goodbye or anything. I just walked away with a heart full of regret for having seen you that way.  It wasn't us.  We were always amazing and connected and bright.  We were always animated and engaging.  We were intimate in conversation and connection.  It was the thing I loved most about who we were.  That is why I had to stand and put distance between myself and you.  It was not the way I wanted to remember us.

Thank you for calling and saying you felt the same things when I left.  At least I know in some measure it is all still there - under the surface.

I love you......still.

M