Engage - Engage!!

I was thinking about the movie Top Gun today. There is a scene in the movie where after a bad crash Maverick is up in the air again and under attack. He is without his trusted co-pilot and starting again. He can't engage and others are taking the heat - full on. They are calling out to him.. "Maverick we are in trouble here" the commanders are calling in to him "Engage, Engage, get in there and fight." He replies, "It's no good, I can't get the shot, It's no good, no good." He pulls a hard right, away from the action. He is not going to engage. Fear has the better of him.

That is me right now. I have always been that top gun at work. I have identified my entire adult life to date by being that person. I was heat-on in the dog fight and I never lost. Never. I was always the youngest, the woman, the accomplished one who could do anything, prove everything, fight longer, think faster, deliver better, the ace.

Then the crash came. I lost a marriage that was my life center. I went into a tailspin because I could not control the plane. I tried to let it go and tell myself that I can't control everything and I can't control outcomes where another person has a say. It started a three year cycle of change. I kept on going, rolling with it. I pretended it was all the same. I hid the post traumatic stress of it and suited up again. Doing what I knew best. Perform, climb, outsmart it.

I flew countless miles, it was not hard, it was no longer a challenge. I was trained and knew how to roll and adjust and climb to my cruising altitude. Then in December it all changed. I had a new mission. I needed to suit up, and I did what I was asked. I assumed the role but in the heat of the fight I pulled away. No good, no good...I can't get the shot.

Instead of re-engaging in the fight, I have decided to turn towards home. This is not my fight anymore. There is something else waiting in life that refuses to be ingored. It is bigger than the fight, the mission, the plan. It is me.

I resigned my position yesterday with one of the top companies in the world. I walked away from a job that many dream of being asked to do. I feel guilty and I tossed and turned most of the night. I am at a loss and afraid to just go ahead and smile and give myself the permission to just be for a while. I know I have to do that, there is no other choice. For the first time in over 17 years I am without a plan. I am taking a few months away from the corporate world, and I may never again engage myself there. Life is taking me in a different direction. I landed safely and I have climbed out of the cockpit.

I wonder what time off feels like...I guess it is time to smile, and find out.