I thought about the question you left me with. I have pondered it all afternoon. It was there behind the last of my work day and beside me on my walk tonight. In between flipping the omlette I thought on it again. I am wondering if I know how to answer it.
To me, it is sign of weakness, or of something broken. Why so suddenly do they come up and well over. They give me away don't they? I find that I don't have a really good answer for you at this time, only ponderings. Is it something that I need to release? Perhaphs. It is fear? Probably. Is it something I think is a fault in me? Yes.
I did this in front of someone a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I was confused and embarrassed, and jealous. Yes, jealous. Bingo...there they were...giving me away. There is no pretending it's all good when they show up out of nowhere and reveal me.
I think about that one day a lot. I remember the person said that it made them feel bad like they had done something wrong. I also remember thinking that it was really about me. It was about my vulnerability and my need...to be needed and not always second best.
I made a note that it was not acceptable to do that in front of them again. I guess that is where the apologies came from when they came out in front of you and the question that followed about why I think it is not o.k. to show them. They make people feel uncomfortable....and they make me have to tell the truth.
That's probably not all of it, but it's pretty close on the mark.
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