Resentment

I resent you. You are a coward!!! You destroyed everything we made and you are still hiding out from life.

You let me down when I never let you down. People ask me questions sometimes, like did I do "something" or was I unfaithful or did I somehow cause this to happen and I didn't DO ANYTHING - EVER!! You deserted me and you took our life away. When I couldn't meet your needs and keep on providing your amniotic fluid you aborted me.

I am a person who was discarded. That is how I see myself in life. Someone that was discarded, someone that is easily discarded and of no real value. But I do have value, I just need someone to SEE that in me and want to keep me and hold on to me. You broke that delicate thing in me and I kept on playing nice. I even had you over for Christmas so you wouldn't be alone that first year, even though you had no issues of leaving me alone when you filed for divorce that August.

I am not in love with you anymore, it is not that, not at all. But I do have to own some feelings about all of this. I resent you and what you took from me. I think it is a joke that you are seeking out religious life and that makes me feel like a blasphemer! But I mean really!! I feel like you can't hack life in the real world so you are going on to another safe place, a place where all your needs will be met and you won't have to reach for anything...and I helped you do it!

I also resent myself. I hate it that I swallowed my pride after you had our marriage annulled after 12 years and that I STILL was there for you, filling out a reference for you for the church to use to determine your suitability for religious life. Do you think that was easy for me?? Do you realize what that did to me? I hate that I did that for you - that I put all my feelings aside once again to be there FOR YOU to help YOU in your life. I am a pushover and that feels horrible to have to say, but I am. I don't respect myself for doing that, for swallowing my needs and choking past them to help you. In that one act, I discarded myself. I played right into that feeling that I don't matter as much as others. That is changing now, or at least I am trying to change that.

So while I have written this to release it now, I note to myself that I did not write that I hate you in any way, or that I don't have the base of understanding that you did the best you could in life. This is merely written from my perspective and out of the need to begin to respect my feelings and what was taken away from me.

I never want to be discarded in life like that again. The damage goes too deep.