Baby Steps

In some ways, I watch my life mirror that of my son. The irony of the timing of certain events in his life and mine give me pause for thought.

Evan is beginning to explore walking now that he has mastered crawling and can move about the house with ease. Walking forward is both exciting and frightening to him. He pulls up and looks around, he moves around objects he knows well with confidence, daring not to let go lest he fall. Even though he won't fall far, the fear of the unknown is too great for him to chance, so with focus and white fingers he holds tight to what he knows - his comfort zone. At times, he will stand alone for a moment until he realizes that nothing surrounds him and a slight look of panic crosses his face. His arms reach out for me, for security, for what he knows is safety and a secure place.

I am Evan in so many regards. I have been holding on to what I know for too long, so afraid to let go, so afraid to walk forward on my own. Yet when I look around, I realize that what I have been holding onto for comfort and security is not mine to hold - it never was. The thought of letting go and trusting my steps and my own power to move forward with my life brings me great fear and worry. But, I know the time is here, I must turn loose and trust that even when I fall, the ground is not too far beneath me, and the love that surrounds me in other areas is enough to cushion me.

So, along with my son, I inch towards my independence, I face my fear of letting go and I prepare to take baby steps into my future. Crawling just isn't enough anymore. How my heart aches in a way of watching him grow, how my heart aches in a way of watching myself do the same.

I loved, I lost, I grieved, I stood true, I was honorable, I gave life, I love again, that love is returned. That love is enough to walk towards. That love is my son.

xoox,
Bug