Me - Trying to Reboot

 

December 8, 2023

Well, here we are.  I am starting a new phase again and hoping it will stick.  I found a functional medicine provider and did a ton of bloodwork and functional testing to hopefully solve some of the issues I am having as a post-menopausal, autoimmune sufferer.  My TSH was an 11.9  I have no eyebrows, I weigh probably 215 pounds and am just such a shallow version of myself.

Life in this household has no real joy.  Kaden has overshadowed our lives and I really have a deep resentment towards him frosted with a deep dislike for him as well.  Jamie is struggling also.  He went on Zoloft to try and help him balance out his feelings.  I am just ready for 18 and for Kaden to leave so I can have some semblance of peace.

I think my weight and flat mood are a byproduct of this.  So, let's see if we can fix it.  I had my initial consult and plan with Cheryl Mosley Mann of the Fork Functional Medicine last Thursday.  I haven't ordered any of my supplements - once again delving into the busyness of the day and pushing my needs to the background.  I am determined to complete things for ME today.  Goals:

1.  Order compounded hormones (estrogen, progesterone and testosterone)

2.  Order supplements from my plan.

3.  Pick up my Cytomel prescription (T3)

4.  Join FBC Family Life Center

5.  Look at My Peak Challenge current platform

6.  Take my weight and measurements

7.  Be kind to myself and be true to myself

Wish me luck and purpose.  I sure need it.

Musings of a 55 year old

 My goodness how times have changed.  I am much older now, married with two teenagers in the house.  My life is very different than it used to be.  I think I am in a midlife slump.  I don't really recognize myself these days and my family dynamic is a disappointment.

We went out to dinner last night at Texas Roadhouse to celebrate Jamie for Father's Day since he had to work.  I haven't been feeling well the last few days but tried to soldier on.

I really wanted to have a nice dinner, to finally think I could sit and talk with my children and interact.  I keep hoping maturity will hit after a long 8 years of working through their kid like shortcomings.  Holding out I told myself for the day when they would mature and we could really talk.  They snicker and take pot shots at me and Evan especially skirts on the edge or actually wades right into the middle of totally inappropriate comments.

I can hear my hair growing....

Work is so not challenging right now.  I can actually hear my hair growing and I can only "Google" so many things in a day to keep myself occupied.

Love,
Bored lady sitting at desk with cute shoes and blank expression.

Tug of War



It is such a long drive to and from work.  Not so much in the sense that I mind the distance, but moreover the amount of time it gives me to think about things.  I have 2 hours each day alone in the car and it seems that about 50 minutes are spent in each direction thinking about Tom.  My heart misses him and expresses it to my soul in a longing, memory-filled way, to which my head issues a strong retort and reminder that he left me after 5 months to return to his past.  I was not what made him truly happy, and it would never be the same even if he did return.  It's a hard tennis match of a dynamic to sit though two times a day, every day.

I try to focus on the negative things about him, which I will not go into in this medium, as a measuring stick of why we aren't good together.  I also tell myself that I want someone who is just emotionally in a good place, is a happy person, and who can be supportive of me and my dreams, not so much the other way around.

I hope eventually this process works for me and my head wins out in the end.  After all, there are a lot of commutes ahead of me and I would just like to have a little "radio silence" if you know what I mean.

xoxo,

LB

Isn't He....

The most precious human being on this planet......He makes my heart sing.  The love is impressive in its purity.

Not Like That OK?

I am happy we got a small "do over".  Sitting there next to you like a polite acquaintance was not the way I wanted to remember us, and I left with regret.  The day after was filled with many thoughts of you, us, me and the why's of so many things.  I kept swatting the memories away like flies, but they would return to buzz and circle around me.  It was annoying and difficult, and I was mentally kicking myself for thinking I was advanced enough in this process to see you in person.

I noticed that your hair seemed to have more grey in it and that you looked worn.  Your eyes were flat and you were quite removed from things.  I immediately noticed your ring and it stung.  I had never seen it or known that part of you.  I trivialized the design to make myself feel less intimidated by it's presence.

I abruptly stood and left you there.  We didn't really say goodbye or anything. I just walked away with a heart full of regret for having seen you that way.  It wasn't us.  We were always amazing and connected and bright.  We were always animated and engaging.  We were intimate in conversation and connection.  It was the thing I loved most about who we were.  That is why I had to stand and put distance between myself and you.  It was not the way I wanted to remember us.

Thank you for calling and saying you felt the same things when I left.  At least I know in some measure it is all still there - under the surface.

I love you......still.

M

Something is stirring

Evan and I had a wonderful day overall. I fell asleep with him for nap time and was sad for a few hours upon waking. I kept trying to shake it and finally succeeded after a trip to Liberty Park with Evan for an evening walk and a trip to feed the ducks and play on the playground.

I read back through my blog from May 2006 and loved the images my mind retrieved while my eyes were digesting words. It has been a beautiful life and I remain humble and thankful for my blessings.

Something is stirring inside of me again, I guess it took another round of disappointment to give me pause for thought, and the drive to walk forward again. I am hoping this move to Nashville will be the beginning of a great new chapter for me. I plan on staying very busy enjoying and exploring the city and working hard towards a better future.

Now I am going to look for a house....a place to land in Nashville!

A New Day

I woke up this morning with a peaceful heart and a sense of joy.

The last couple of days have been difficult.  No ability to concentrate on work; only reflections and analytics.   Licking wounds, reminding myself of worth and core and self.

My shoulders would begin to shake for no reason and tears would come.  I would go into the bathroom at work to compose myself, explaining to no one, certainly no one to reach out to as it would come as a great surprise to those  who know me that I had been in a relationship at all.

Evan caught me crying once.  I was ashamed for him to see me, but I explained that I lost a friend and I was sad.  He prayed for me.  My heart soared at the knowledge that my 3 1/2 year old understands prayer at such a young age.

I started writing again and praying in a more focused manner.  Guidance, faith, portion, understanding and peace are the themes of my devotions to God.  I am also being honest in my accountability for my part.  I believe if you are internally honest, then blame has no place to take root in your soul.

I only feel peace today.  I only wish my friend well.  I smile for his hope.  I long for his renewal.  I wish him joy - always!

Happy Saturday!

Bug

Let me adjust my halo

To some I am a saint, to some I am not.  Who knows what causes people to have the reactions they do to each other.

I had a email recently that was beautifully written and expressed sentiments from a person's heart that I know were sincere.  I read it twenty times if I read it once. 

One thing struck me and left a mark.  I am not special, I am not extraordinary.  I simply know how to love and I practice it as an action word each day.  Heaven does not hold a special place for me for doing what is expected of us in our humanity to each other.  I get no extra credit from God for living life as it was supposed to be.

The Bible says, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you."  I don't always succeed in my life in living the right way, but I do have a deep sense of doing what is right, even if what is right hurts me.  I end up hurt a great deal, and it would be easier at times to simply turn from my beliefs and live for myself and my needs.  There are days where I truly wish I could be different, but I simply can't.

I need to go adjust my halo now.  Someone placed one upon my head but it really doesn't belong there...

Bug

52 Cents

I wonder if you noticed it?  It was 52 cents returned.  I held onto it from the night it was left on my bedside table.  It meant something to me.  It was a memory; a cherished memento.

To some it might seem a silly thing to hold on to. You probably never even made the connection when it dropped from the bag of items I returned to you.  But I know it's not in the little dish on my table.  I miss it being there.  I hold small things in great regard.

I held us in great regard.  We were a litany of small, remarkable things.  The tangible items were returned, but the intangible will be held in my heart forever - and that was the greater part of the sum that made us.

I love you.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Sometimes I wonder how we get ourselves into the situations we do. What is the intangible really? What makes it almost polar in its gravitational pull?

We can rationalize it, debate it over and over in our heads, run from it, balk at it, shake our heads in the non-reality of it, yet still there it is. This beautiful, unexplainable, unshakable force that draws you in, thoughts body and soul.

I haven’t experienced this phenomenon in a long while, and most certainly not with someone who is not in a circumstance that is socially acceptable. Innocently enough, it is just two people who long to be near each other, who laugh easily in each other’s company and who look forward to daydreaming in the fertile soil of this garden of paradise.

I hate that I cannot realize this relationship or savor the sweet moments as they are supposed to be. Late night chats, secret phone calls and covert operations have taken their toll in body. Yet there he is, with me in spirit; a constant heart’s companion.

Tall and lean with curly hair that the years have tipped with slight grey. Intense eyes, dark to the core that somehow shine brightly in the darkness of the room. Gentle person with the need to be loved and anchored in a stormy sea. Romantic expressive.

I think about the generation gap that I only notice in small things like music or life experience. One is amusing, the other captivating and symphonic.

I don’t know about the grand scheme of life, or the intangible. What I do know is there is a man I am going to miss very much; until one day we cross paths again.

Gore's Are A Wonderful Thing.

I have this little favorite word from Evan. It is "gore". He is a boy and I am a gore. That is how he currently says girl, and it is the only word that isn't correct in his vocabulary....well, except for "choo choo frain" and "clayground."

He came home tonight and over supper announced that I am a girl, like squirrel and sounded it out proudly over and over and secretly I was really mad at his dad for correcting him because it is one more little piece of him that grew up.

I never realized the tug between loving what you see as your child grows, and absolutely trying to hold onto the smallness of them for infinity. I especially feel this way because I will never have another child and I know this was a blessing I never dreamed possible for myself.

So last night, I was mad at Greg for taking away a little piece of my baby....there are so few things left of that time now that he is 3. Besides, I really liked being a GORE!

Xoxo,
Bug

Just be yourself

I was thinking last night about how hard it can be at times to just be yourself, warts, un-popular opinions about trending subjects, personality, looks...the whole bag.

I can't say I like it one bit or the impact it can have on a life. When you're shaping your views and reactions and thoughts to better suit popular opinion, you're letting parts of yourself die out.

My new years resolution....and I only have one is the acronym DTAC. It's not going to be easy to be authentic in an adjustable world, but I am who I am.  I am determined to be just that.

I am 42 years old, and made just the way I was intended to....warts and all.

Happy Friday!

Bug

Music In the House....and other baby steps

When one realizes the deficits in life, steps are very necessary to adjust.

I have a new friend, her name is Sophia and she is much like me....I'm grateful to have her in my life to laugh with and to have hold up a mirror right in my face.

As we began to get to know each other she would ask questions that I would go back and think on and realize the answer was "no".  No, I don't listen to music in the house anymore. No, I don't take any trips away anymore. No, I don't have guests in my home anymore and my son doesn't see me interact socially...these things really bothered me upon reflection because when you stack up all the little things I had let go, they added up to a deficit filled life.

I am trying to make some changes in my life right now, to make things better where I am now. I light candles again and have fresh flowers in the house like I used to. I wrote a man to say goodbye and end his back and forth, I have been listening to music again, I took my son on a day trip, and I invited my friend over and made her dinner.

It's a small adjustment, but it has made me happier and more in touch with myself.

I think I'm going on a road trip to Atlanta this weekend....I miss home.

Xoxo,
Bug

When You Fake It

I have to admit I am guilty of faking it. Every day....for three years. It's a very difficult thing to be a parent, and harder still when the person you are parenting with is, well, different from you to say the least. So, for the most part, I fake it, I bite my tongue, I act interested in things they say in order to keep a peaceful balance. But, there is the way I really feel most days, and that is like Alice who awakes to find herself in a strange land with some funky animals who grin too much and have ulterior motives and hidden agendas.

People tell me quite often that they would ever do what I have done, no matter how much they love their child. I wonder though, don't we all fake parts of our lives each and every day? Some fake love, others fake success and intellect, some fake happiness in their work, and there is another breed altogether who fake an identity to fool the masses.

I guess my question to you all is...."do you fake a portion of yourself or your life?" tell me yes, that in some fashion you do....or else I'll have to come to terms with being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride all by myself!

Xoxo,

Bug

Mic Check

Tap, tap, tap....

Just wondering if anyone can hear me....it has been a very long time since I practiced my writing. Just another little part of myself that I willingly let go under the auspices of blame to another.

So, let's catch up, it's been a while since you've seen me... I am a bit older and I don't like my hair so much right now because it is mom hair and I knew better. I am a little too rounded in the middle from too much junk food, Evan food, and laziness and I analyze if I have depression each day as a bottle of Zoloft sits in the cabinet awaiting my decision....so let's start there...

I don't think I'm depressed in the traditional sense of the word and I really am thinking a lot about serotonin and the pill that just might fix everything, except we all know that I would take that little pill and still be stuck here in Siberia....so I reckon that is like scooping out a ship full of water with a Dixie cup....hence the Zoloft will sit on the shelf for now.

Men...oh where to begin there. Men are useless creatures unless family or old friends. My run in that department reveals great inadequacy, so they sit on a shelf just like the Zoloft and I am pondering their usefulness as well. I haven't had a real date in over a year and it's beginning to suit me just fine.

I'm not sure where these forks in the road may lead at this time in my life, but I am determined to find out and keep myself afloat in the process...you're welcome to come along with me on the journey as I find out.

Better posts soon...I promise...this is just a jumping off spot for the big dot-to-dot to follow.

Happy New Year!

Xoxo,

Bug

Tell It Like It Is....?

I am in the middle of a real struggle, maybe it's age or some metaphysical turning point of a 42 year old woman (that sounded really weird).

I just feel the need to say it like it is.  No sugar coating, no whiteness to soften the statement, no silence about something on the outside and mentally screaming it on the inside...you get me.

The funny thing is, I am not mad at anyone or in the midst of a personal crises or have any drama in my life, but I just am back to this whole "here it is" kind of deal.  Maybe this is back around because I watched Bethenny Getting Married on Bravo and we all know she's a total straight shooter and never shrinks from just putting in out there for you to digest.

I feel the need to open my mouth and say whatever it is that I really feel about a situation.  REFRESHING RIGHT!!??

So here we are, launch time.  Tired of a lifetime of never really saying in the moment, or closely thereafter that I am bugged or over something.  I just don't say anything.....but that is all that is about to change.

Heaven help us all.

xoxo,
Bug

You Talk, I'll Listen!!

I recently had a "conversation" with a person who I could tell was frenetic in nature but generally a nice person.  We were having a "conversation", but I noticed, quite quickly that whenever she paused at the end of a sentence and I attempted a response she would launch back into a train of thought about herself, not even realizing that she had cut me off mid-sentence.  After a couple of attempts at answering her, I just decided to stop trying and let her go on.  She never noticed that I stopped.  It was kind of amusing in a way and I made a mental note that I will work on that myself, just in case I do that. 

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation, it can serve as a good reminder of a way NOT to be in life.  Maybe that's why God puts these things in our path.  Maybe it is to help us be a better person.  So - at the end of the conversation, I didn't walk away irritated or insulted.  I walked away with a better sense of making sure I give others my attention and that I listen instead of doing all the talking.

Jury Duty

It has been a very long 10 weeks as a Juror.  Every time I sit down in the courthouse my chest starts to flutter and I want to run.  The people at the Defendants table look scary, menacing and rather guilty....yes, I did just say that. 

Yesterday I was chosen, again.  Aggravated Robbery, we found him guilty and did so with a very heavy heart.  It was heavy because this was once a boy with promise and this is a boy who's mother loves him and this is now a man who will be sentenced to prison in 4 weeks.  What was not difficult was to impose a $25,000 fine upon him.  That was restitution to the victim who had two revolvers shoved in her face (we watched the video surveillance) and who will be different for the rest of her life because of what happened to her.  Nobody got out unscathed.

I know that it is our duty to serve and I don't shrink from my responsibility, but I wish people would just behave themselves.....all this for $148 and a Blackberry.  Sad.

xoxo,

Bug

 

Uh - Huh - Sure...

Some things in life just kind of amaze me.  First of all, I don't fall for that whole "Whoa is me, I need to talk about my marriage" line.    Let me go back a little by saying that I have a co-worker that wants to talk about his marriage issues at work (with me) and I just don't agree with it.

I wonder sometimes if men thing women are really that stupid, and I wonder sometimes if a lot of women are that stupid (yes, I know - I am rolling my eyes too...) to sit and become a web for someone who has woven areas of simple truths into a lot of no so simple feelings that they are looking to "cast" about somewhere.

Here is the advice that got slung yesterday - as  am tired of being approached about this topic.  Mind you my stance is number 1 - I am not a therapist or expert in marriage, 2.  I am not stupid and I am truly not interested in hearing your lament.  3.  I have a job to do and since you make like four times what I do, I suggest you go see a therapist!!  Now the advice....if you can call it that.

Man - "I need to talk about my wife...."
Me - "Well then go talk to her - about her and you and get it all out on the table and be honest and tell her what's going on with you and show her who you really are.  Oh, and by the way, don't be surprised if eventually SHE is the one who hits you with the bombshell that she has found another man and is leaving you.  You might think you are the one holding the mid-life crises reigns here and withholding intimacy from your wife - but I am here to tell you pal, that even nice girls have affairs if they are getting no love and attention from home.  The first man who comes along and will give her that will be the one who takes your prize.  Think of it that way instead of your way...now I suggest if you want to know about your wife or talk about  your wife, you leave the kids at grandmas house, go get a bottle of wine and get your wife and start talking....I'm not a therapist nor am I a fly....."

He abruptly turned and left my office.  Maybe I should become a therapist and start a tough love boot camp for stupid men...and women.  I'd be my first client ;-)

Have a great day everyone.  It's off to Jury Duty for me!

Bug