Today I

Today my little son is happy and watching Disney characters on TV; mesmerized by the movement, colors and shapes. Sunday Evan rolled over for the first time. Greg called me in from the kitchen to witness the event. Our son is growing up so fast. Our son is beautiful and sweet. Our son is the miracle of our lives.

I now live in Tennessee and will begin the new chapter of my life here. I will do this for my son and I am finally at peace with the decision. I am going to place him in mother's day out two days a week and I am going to begin to work on myself and on the business plan that I hope will allow us a good life here.

I have to run now - Evan has rolled over again and is frustrated because he can't crawl over here. He might look just like his Dad right now, but he acts a lot like me ;-)

xoxo,
Bug

No Words

Dear Evan,

There are no words to describe what is happening in life right now. You are laying in your crib, sleeping sideways; arms thrown above your sweet little head, slumber - peace and security are all yours tonight.

Your Nanny Rose prayed over you tonight and it brought tears to each eye in the room. She prayed for your future, for your life, for your health and your body to be sound. She prayed for your father and for me and the challenges we will face in our future because of our unusual circumstance. It was a precious moment that brought us all together in a moment that will span the rest of our lives. She laid her hands on you while you slept. I felt that it would perhaps be the last time she touched your sweet body.

There is so much more I want to share with you, so many things I want to tell you about this time, but I will write them to you privately and place them in the chest that is being made for you. I love you sweet son, Daddy loves you too.

Sweet dreams, and see you in the morning.

Love,
Mommy

Maybe One Day

Each morning I wake up and smile at Evan. He smiles back this cute wide grin; no teeth, all gum - just like a little old man. That makes me smile back at him even bigger and away we go -  with me sticking out my tongue at him and he sticking his tongue out back and on and on. It is a wonderful game.

I am off to shower and get suited up to interview.

Happy Monday all,

Mellissa

Home Again

I am home in Atlanta again. It feels good to be among my things; three levels of memories and familiar textures. The photographs are of those who love me and have a history with me. 

Evan is fast asleep on my bed under the quilt my mom made for him. I love him more than I knew possible in this world. He is my family. I have an opportunity for work so I have returned home to interview on Monday and Nana is coming tomorrow to see her little one. I know she has been so sad to be away from us both although she would never admit it to me, lest it somehow make things harder when I make decisions about my life. She is amazing in that way. I am interviewing for practice and in hope that I will be able to work again, to rebuild my life and to help myself now that I am able. I would not turn down the opportunity, because I feel that doing so would be a slap to all those who have so generously supported me financially during my pregnancy and for these months after Evan's birth. 

I am so truly grateful to have had those people in my life, to have survived and paid my bills each month, to buy beautiful things for Evan, to make a home for him, to buy his food and supplies. It is time to step off the edge now with confidence and hope, to know that God has a plan and that he will open the doors that are meant for me to pass through. I have given it over to him, I asked him to take the wheel and to lead me in the areas that will provide the best I can for Evan and for myself. I want to be happy and fulfilled so I can be a great mother, I want to support myself and Evan; to know that he is secure with me to provide for his needs. I don't want to be down to my last dollar soon and be only focused on that and the pressures of life without a job to provide for us - so I have returned to Atlanta to see if my life is supposed to continue here, or if my life is to be lived elsewhere. 

I just have to trust and to bone up now. It is time to stand on my own two feet and see where life takes me. Wish me luck and if you are inclined to pray, I wouldn't mind you adding me in there somewhere ;-) I need all the help I can get!

xoxo, Bug

What Next

I must admit that I am afraid of what comes next. It is like standing on the edge of the high-dive platform, knowing that you cannot return to the ladder that will take you back to the level ground you once relied on. The next phase requires you to ease your foot towards the unsteady end of the long traverse, to bend your body towards the depths below and to lean forward into your free-fall. It takes courage and courage is something I am lacking right now.

For me, the next phase of my life is returning to work, to re-building my life and to balance my son's wellbeing in the process.

I looked into schools for Evan in Atlanta. Nursery's that take infants starting at 6 weeks. 4 children per caregiver, days spent away from Mommy, moments missed that cannot be recaptured. Caregivers witnessing the changes daily and giving reports to parents on the milestones achieved. It breaks my heart to think this is waiting on that edge, and that I must inch towards it. I hate the feeling, but I have no choice.

I don't want to live alone in Atlanta, I don't want to be an island for the sake of a living but I am not sure how to do that anywhere but Atlanta based on the type of work I do. I have looked at the classified ads for other locations, but nothing there fits me - there is very little to go on. I am used to a certain standard of living and I am trying to adjust my thinking to other ways of making it; of thriving.

Greg and I are on very different terms now. I still look at him as a partner, but I quickly correct my thinking back to midline. We are parents, we have a common bond in Evan, but not as a couple. I miss him in that way. I miss him wanting me - but I would never tell him that. Sometimes at night when we are lying side by side our feet touch for a moment and I awaken and remember when we would lie close together; he had to touch my hip, my arm - we connected that way. Now we connect through respect and a careful distance. He sees me only as Evan's mother. I miss being desired as more than just that symbol. I hate to watch my emotion fading out of necessity. I still love him. He is the father of my son and the man I dreamed of having a life with. I will know him for the rest of my life so I keep silent, I say nothing, I just show him the love I have for him in other ways. We are so different, yet in many ways alike.

So as I sit here in his home this morning, waiting on Evan to stir from his morning nap, I am thinking "What Next" and the only conclusion I come to is to embrace the next moment, the one where Evan awakes and yawns - and smiles at the sight of his Mommy at his crib - arms outstretched to gather him up, to feel his body curl into mine and to watch his blue eyes twinkle. In that moment all other thoughts fade away into the back of my mind to be processed later and I move my mind back away from the edge for another day.

The Ties that Bind

No matter what happens in life between to people, when they share a child there is an enduring tie that binds. You may not agree in principle with them or see life though the same eyes, but you decide to bridge the divide and in doing so you give peace to the one created together; you love more than each other and more than yourself.

I am writing today from Jackson. Evan is sleeping soundly and lunch is ready for his Daddy. Laundry is going and bottles are freshly filled. There is a man here in a great deal of pain - a man I love as my own family - a man who I made a family with.

Although we are moving forward simply as friends, I cherish this relationship and I will nurture it as I do all those who matter to me. Greg's mothers cancer has returned and we do not know the amount of time she has left. Evan's Nanny has fought breast cancer into remission last July, only to have it return to her now. I ask for your prayers for the family, and for Rose G. she is the kindest person with a heart of gold and humility like you have never known. She is the center of Greg's family, as a mother should be, and she is my sweet Evan's paternal Grandmother. I want her to spend as much time with him as she has left and I want to bring some measure of comfort to Greg during this time in whatever way I can.

It has been a long year for us - both of us. We wondered why our son came to us. Why now? Was that the sole reason for our meeting? I can tell you now that I believe that Evan was sent as a healing balm and a source of abiding love for Greg and the timing of his birth and Greg's love for him is a testament to the ties we share - and they are the ties that bind and will help see us through the next chapter.

Love,
Ladybug

Life 101

I have a new direction and it is both scary and exciting.  I have a job interview on Friday with a great company which will pay me in my range and allow me to secure a good future for Evan and myself. I found a slot for him at a great school here and although I am not ready to leave him, I must. It is time to stand and do it, time to forge ahead and make life the best I can.

I looked in the mirror yesterday and actually recognized myself. I was able to put on a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans and move the maternity clothes out.

The last three weeks while I was away, I discovered some things, some truths that needed to come to light and they did with a vengeance and left me feeling pretty alone and worthless and ugly and sad. I am not Barbie, nor will I ever be. I used to joke that I am more the Skipper type - but when you find out that Barbie played with Ken and you were pregnant Skipper on the sidelines, you can't help but feel like you are ugly and worthless and unattractive.

But then I came home. I came back to what is mine - who I am , what I stand for, what I worked for. I came home to me and realized that I am a wonderful woman, I am beautiful and worthy and I gave myself a little room to shine again. I felt my smile and my bounce, I felt my worth and the power of who I am as a woman. I had a new start after difficult tests to take and I won't look back on leftovers and lies. Mind you I don't hate or hold a grudge. I let that all go on Easter Sunday. But I won't be putting myself back in the arena to which I never belonged. When you know better you certainly ought to do better.

So today I am doing better. I love who I am and I am happy. I have a beautiful

home, the promise of Spring, a job prospect and to top it all off -the most gorgeous son in the WORLD.  So take that BARBIE...and you can take KEN too while your at it.

I always liked Skipper better anyway...

xoxo,
Bug

Two Months

It is so hard to believe that it has been nearly two months since we met face to face. This Friday will mark the date, March 28th. So much has changed, you are growing daily and smiling and cooing and you recognize my voice and you turn to see me when I walk into the room. You have beautiful folds of fat around your long legs and cornflower blue eyes. I hope they stay that way. Your great PawPaw (Nana's Father William) had the most beautiful blue eyes and your Nanny on your Daddy's side said the eyes might carry the "Wallace Blue"....you have your dad's long, jet-black eyelashes and his long fingers and your nose seems to be a cross between his masculine and my button - so perfect for your face.

You have a hard time falling asleep now. You are so worried you might miss something in the world that you kick your legs and swing your arms in an effort to keep the Sandman at bay. I end up swaddling you just so you can rest a while. You love your fingers and they have found their way into your mouth while you move your head from side to side in an attempt to capture one and then the other, back and forth. You snort when you cry and it makes me laugh out loud. You have learned a sad face and when you are pouting you stick out your bottom lip and crinkle your forehead. It is a classic Mommy face for sure.

So much I see in you, just a mere two months after we met, that I long for a lifetime of witnessing each day and the changes that will come. I love you Evan. You are such a joy.

xoxo,
Mommy

Not Enough

Sometimes love in and of itself is not enough. It cannot bridge the chasm alone no matter how hard we try. It is heartbreaking to feel for another and know that the feeling is not returned. Days are survived with a longing in ones soul that nothing can quell except time.

I have lived this last year alone and at many times lonesome. I have loved someone who cannot return the feeling. It matters not that we made a child together or that we have fought the hardest battles against each other. In the end it boils down to a simple truth that must be faced. One loved, the other did not. It is empty and sad and the hardest thing to wake up to each day.

I tried so many times in vain to climb the wall, to tear it down, to beat my fists against it. I have felt betrayal and hurt, I have torn at myself over and over and I am weary now and simply exhausted from trying. I have to digest the truth and it is bitter, it steals joy from my miracles and casts a shadow on even the sunniest of days.

This is my life as it is now. There is no future to look toward on the West horizon so I will turn and face East, towards the sunrise instead of the sunset. I am going to try to work past this heartbreak and find my joy again - beginning today.

I had a call from my recruiter for a position here in Atlanta. The call came after I spent the morning praying about letting go and about God's will for me and my son in this next chapter. I asked God to forgive me for letting my pain overshadow the joy of the gift he gave me in my son and I quietly whispered to Evan that I love him and that I will do better to only feel the joy of his existence as the guiding light in my life.

I am no longer pregnant, I can no longer be overlooked in life or allow myself to climb or rail or try to tear down walls. I have a path in front of me, a path to my future. It is time to lay the foundation, it is time to live again...and I will.

Goodbye yesterday, goodbye hope in what is not meant to be, goodbye to you from my heart; may you find what you seek - may it be all that you dream in your head of love. I can wish no better for you. I can give no more to you.

I am turning Eastward now, no looking back.

Long Enough

It has been long enough, there has been too much discussion, too much dissection, too much hope in the wrong direction. You and I have both made choices on what is important, on feelings that matter the most, who is priority, who is a friend. We will stand on those conclusions and we both will feel the impact of those decisions. Bitter pills for sure, but at least medicine is swallowed.

I hate that this is our conclusion, but at least we have found one. I will try to be your friend in the most respectful way I can, still considering my feelings and what I need to do to thrive and be happy and make a clear path for the most important relationship for us, our Son. In other life matters, I won't be that person for you. You have plenty of others to call, others who's feelings have mattered more than the request I made from you.  I must respect your choice of what we are to be and begin to walk that line, which is farther removed than multiple daily phone calls permit.

Things which were once shared will now become private matters, things that friends don't discuss with each other. It has been a long time coming, and the conclusion was heard loud and clear yesterday. I feel for us both, I feel for you the most because of what you are going through. I do care very much, I care, I care, please know that.

I won't call you on a daily basis to talk about life and Koi, and flowers and recipes and stories of life or feelings or to listen to music or songs shared over the phone. I really gave it time and nurtured it though the most trying time of my life. In the end it was not enough and you can't help the way you feel. As a result I can't help the way I react to that request. It will feel different around me now and for that I am sorry. I can't help the way I feel either.

The rest is for our son and we will survive and love and give all things for him.

Be well NBG and goodbye from my heart to yours.

Ladybug

Each Day

It is 9AM and I feel like it is 3AM. My eyes are rimmed with dark circles and I feel so tired that I could sleep while writing this. I only have a few moments as your hands are moving in your crib. It is a 50/50 shot that you will put yourself to sleep, or become bored and cry for me to make an appearance at your crib to talk to you. When you hear my voice you kick your legs and start to cry; a signal that you want me to hold you again. I never refuse you because the touch of your skin against my neck is too alluring. I will move to the rocker if you cry and sit with you. An hour will pass in silence with me staring at your beautiful face. Time flies.

The kitchen is a mess, I have not eaten since lunch yesterday which came at 3PM. Bed time came and went with your needs. You have discovered your hands and put them in your mouth. When I give you your bottle you no longer hold your hands in little fists, choosing instead to spread your fingers long and wide and stroke my hands, enjoying the sensation of touch. They are soft and supple and squishy. This morning at 6AM I was thinking they were like tiny softshell crabs that run along the shoreline at the ocean. I don't know why I associate things in such an odd fashion.

I wonder as I write this and you are beginning to crow a little if I will get a chance to shower today. It is a toss-up how I spend those hours. Sometimes it is only 30 minutes before you stir again, sometimes an hour. I debate between sleep and washing bottles, sleep and showering. I look at my cuticles, rough and jagged at the end of brittle nails and dry hands. Bottle washing has taken it's toll on the once perfectly manicured digits. Pearls are still fastened to my earlobes in stark contrast to messy hair. A bit of old-life indulgence on new life leftovers.

This is my morning. Tired, and worn. You are crying and I am going to pick you up and start that beautiful hour of silence spent holding you. Nothing else matters - life is wonderful because of you.

xoxo,
Mommy

Motherhood

I love being a mother. I have never been more tired or looked worse in my life than I do on a daily basis now. Sleep comes in spurts and a good night of rest is a 4 hour stretch. My son is the light of my life and the purpose of all things I do now.

The past is behind me now and the future is unknown, but promising for us. I read back on Evan's blog Saturday, back to the journey, the moments of wonder in my pregnancy, the times when I wondered "how" "who" and "what" would he be.  I can tell you that he surpasses my biggest dream and fills my heart with a love like I have never known.

The rest of life will sort itself out - the work, where to live, ties that bind and love, and I will wake up tired each morning, looking worn and weary, and smile at my son, who in return now smiles back at me.

Happy 7 weeks Evan, I love you Frogman.

xoxo,
Ladybug

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a process that I wish were easier to execute. It is like climbing a mountain or stairs to the top of a monument. Sometimes in the climb towards reaching the summit where blue skies are visible again, we lose our footing and slip backwards a few steps or have to stop to get our breath again before we can move forward. In the end, we want to reach the goal, the top, the pinnacle where all is behind us. It can be a long process and one that requires us to not take a moment to look back at the ground beneath us, lest we stumble farther back on our descent.

I am working on this climb myself this year. I am working on climbing the mountain of forgiveness and putting the past behind me. I know it will be a long climb, but I believe the view at the top, the clear skies past the cloud layer I am going through will be worth it. I do this not only for myself, but for my son. You see for me, at the top of the climb towards forgiveness is my future, and I want my future to be a cloudless blue sky and a view towards a beautiful horizon.

xoxo,
Ladybug

Adjusting

I many ways I am adjusting to new. I have never had a love relationship with "new" and climbing the mountain again is a difficult process.

I don't recognize myself at this time in my life. My eyes are rimmed from nearly a year of tears and coping, my skin is desensitized from lack of touch, my body is changed from becoming a mother. I long to see myself again when I look in the mirror.

In the midst of great loss, I have experienced the greatest gift of my life and I am grateful for him, the one who was chosen for me, but held in secret until the 39th year of my life. The experts said he was not possible, my age and health would make him improbable in conception and impossible in maintaining; yet he is in my arms.

I miss working and being with peers and I miss my precious companion, Maggie. I had to let her go to sleep three weeks ago, and there is a whole in my heart from the loss of my beloved one, the one who replaced so much on the last round of loss from my divorce.

I miss feeling that a man loves me. I long to be cherished and wanted, to be the one that is the light for another and that light in return illuminates my heart. I long for the Spring, but fear the newness of it all, the fresh blooms and sweet fragrance, the cool shade of green and fireworks of pink blossoms. Yet Spring will come, days will be longer and I will keep one foot in front of the other until I look in the mirror and recognize myself again.

I welcome the day that I realize I am no longer coping, but actually thriving. I will welcome the day when the turning stops at 360 instead of 180. I long for life as I know it again, for the girl who embraced the changes and forged ahead to return to life. Perhaps it will happen in the new season ahead.

The Love of My Life

It was almost a year since that beautiful weekend, yet it is more than a lifetime ago. I ventured to Jackson, Tennessee to have one last time of sharing with a person who would change the course of my life.  Back then, I was searching for the love of my life, never imagining the way he would find me.   My son, Evan is 5 weeks old and HE is the love of my lifetime.

God is amazing and his mercy endures forever.  Call me grateful and call me blessed.

This Time In My Life

I was sitting this morning, just thinking about what a wonderful time this is in my life. I have a strength inside of me that I never knew was there and I feel so very proud of myself now. I have such tremendous joy now that you cannot believe!!

Tomorrow afternoon I have my next OB appointment. The beginning of month 5 if you can imagine that - and, I will get to hear the heartbeat of my child for the first time. What can be better?

Evan has been moving around quite a lot today. He is actually tickling me by my belly button and I am laughing at him, wondering what he is doing with his little teenie hands to make such a sweet, light sensation on the inside of me. This little boy is my joy, and this little boy is a part of me. I know now how the soul loves something so much that is created of itself.

I cannot believe that he is of my flesh and that his life is my life, one in the same. He breathes my air and nourishes himself from my choices of food. He is kept safe by the adjustment of every cell in my body and every hormone I could muster in the early days. He is the very essence of me, the very fiber of me and I love that.

Tomorrow I will get to hear the little heart that my body nurtured him to create, the heart who's blood moving in those tiny chambers was created from my blood. Our hearts are one...created from the same. Isn't that wonderful?!!?? Aren't I blessed beyond measure in this life.

So back to this morning, sitting on my bed, rubbing Lavendar oil on my tummy and just singing to my Evan - I just smiled from the inside out, and felt an overwhelming sense of peace in knowing that no sorrow can touch my heart to rival the joy that lives there and will remain the rest of my days.

xoxo,
Mellissa

The Most Wonderful

I am 18 Weeks pregnant today with our son. Today is the most significant movement I have had from little Evan. It is as if there are a thousand feathers tickling the inside of my stomach. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt in my life and such a wonderful gift from Evan today. I had to pull the car over on the way to work to spend time feeling him this way for the first time. The other feelings were small pings and pangs and a tick here or there. This was like the grand finale of the fourth of July fireworks. I wish Greg were here to experience this joy with us. Our son is a mover and shaker. Absolutely

The picture above is of an 18 week old child, photographed by an endoscopic camera in the womb. It was taken in 1965 if you can believe and is the #11 cover of Life Magazine of all time. I love that it shows me what my little Evan looks like today!!

Mellissa

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Of all the strange things, my sense of smell (which was already acute enough to pick out your deodorant brand) has become soooo sensitive it is unbelievable. 

There is one thing that is starting to drive me crazy and that is the smell of dirty hair. I kid you not, I can smell unwashed hair from a mile away and all of a sudden the "non-washers" are eeeeveryhere.  I am not talking washed it a day or so ago, I am talking combed it with a pork chop, let the water run over it, working on dreadlocks kind of FUNKY. 

The worst offender was at the doctor's office the other day. She was pregnant and had loooong brown hair and was in the bathroom ahead of me giving her "sample" and man, she was NOT clean!! I about threw up three times while in the bathroom just behind her and then when I had to go to the second holding cell, there she was again in all her greasiness and I literally stood around the corner because I could not stand that HAIR smell. 

How could you be growing a person and not wash all your 3,000 parts plus 5,000 hairs???!!!! Anyway, I might just have to start staying in the house because it REALLY bothers me and makes me feel sick and I never realized how many people are not 'pooing on a regular basis. So readers, please; I implore you to lather, rinse and repeat...or just lather a little o.k. there are some of us out there with fat bellies and sensitive noses.

Thank you, 

The Pregnant Police

Bun, Mag & Mommy

I love buying little outfits for Bun (that's his new nickname by the way because I call him my little HoneyBun) I totally scored these Carter's shorties for the Spring/Summer for $2.50 each.. I love that and yes, I plan ahead and buy ahead especially now that all the little winter clothes are coming in which I don't really need because in Jan/Feb/March he will be in baby onesie's and socks and safe inside the house so you can guarantee that in March I will be snapping up all the Winter boots and little corduroy pants and overalls and knit caps I will need for the last of the year at a savings too!

There is just one wee little problem with my need to buy little prezzies for Evan. Maggie...she thinks they are for her - she doesn't get the concept of baby and why she can't have everything that is smaller than things she knows are for me....

But nonetheless, she sits in my closet and stares up at the newest item in the house. Heaven help us if there is a stuffed animal that comes in...she won't budge for an hour. Poor little Evan...when he gets older it's gonna be a struggle to get his toys away from Maggie and I am quite sure I will have to referee many a tug of war around the house.

And finally, here is a picture of me, notice the fat roll under my arm. I tell ya, it's all going fast...but hey, at least I know I am gonna rally one day soon...and there we will be... Bun, Mag &  Mommy, sitting out in the sunshine listening to the crickets and loving the new life we have all made together.

xoxo,
Mellissa

What Nice People Can Do

This afternoon I was really sad. I started the day on a happy note but quickly had my hopes let down again. Hope makes a fool out of the well intentioned heart. I left work for the Dr. feeling sort of ugly and unloved and just kind of used up and dirty. Like the person with the "Kick Me" sign on their back - just embarrassed and humiliated. 

I had to go get my blood drawn today and I made my way over to the lab, focusing only on my little boy and the joy he will bring into my life, and the fact that God knows my heart and will provide for me, and one day, there will be a man of such magnitude that will scoop us up and love the both of us without hesitation or doubt. I was thankful that I have the blessings I do and the family I have, I tried to push all else to the side and I tried to smile and show a radiant woman to those who passed me by. I did it for Evan. 

I will not fail in my growing or raising of him...but inside it was a fight to not feel like an ugly duckling, a cast off, someone of no value. As I was leaving the lab, happy that I have only gained 1/2 lb. in a month, a stranger walked up to me with a smile, the warmest - sweetest smile. She said I was beautiful, and what pregnancy should look like! I smiled from ear to ear, my spirits were renewed in that moment by the kindness of a complete stranger. I looked like a lady she said. It was in stark contrast to the used up and discarded person I felt a couple of hours earlier. It was a sweet gift she gave me. I told her how much it meant to me on a hard day. I will carry her with me now forever; renewed in my faith that the kindness of a stranger can make all the difference in the world. 

Kindness is never wasted ... I hope that each person who reads this will do that for another person this week.  Just show them a measure of kindness, you never know the profound affect you will have on their life...their day or their feelings about themselves. 

While I cannot replace what is continually removed from me right now, I do appreciate and accept the small gifts of kindness and love that God places in my path to help me and my son navigate our way. 

xoxo, 

Mellissa & Evan (we're a team you know)

It Is Possible

It is entirely possible to love someone you have never met. I know this for a fact. I am in love with my little Evan and I dream about him, pray for him and try to do everything I can to keep him safe already. I am protective over him and will fight hard if I think anyone is trying to slight him or upset me as I need to be happy so that he can continue to develop well.

Last night was a hard one, I have had some cramping the last day or so - nothing major, but anything that wakes me up in the night scares me. I have been having more round ligament pain and a definite tightening sensation in Evan's "house" and it makes me nervous as I don't really know what is normal growing pains and what I should be concerned with.

The root of the concern is my thyroid (or lack of one) and the fact that they have increased my meds three times already and I have to go back this week for more bloodwork to make sure I am level. I know I am not! My skin is very dry and I am tired again. I also know that Evan is fine in that department as he has his own thyroid now and produces his own T3/T4 hormone which regulates his adrenal system and pituitary function. It is me that I worry about now. If I don't maintain enough hormone then I could miscarry him (at least this is my fear from the past and the reason I was told I was a long-shot to none in that department) or I won't have enough energy to exercise or feel good - two essentials for me right now.

I guess I just worry and I want everything to be o.k. My thyroid is something that bothers me and has taken a toll on me in a lot of ways. It is my "thing" to deal with and I don't mind that so much - but now that I beat the odds and conceived a child, I want to beat the odds and hold onto my son. I don't want this thyroid issue to affect him in any way at all.

Needless to say, when I wake up in the night cramping, I get upset and think maybe I don't have enough juice and something bad is going to happen, even now. That is when I start to pray again, and breathe; deep, relaxing breaths - willing my midsection to let go and hoping that I will once again beat the statistics - 168 days to go....

Wish me luck and pray along with me for my little Viking - because I love him already - and I know him, even though we have yet to meet.  He is someone I dream of and will love for a lifetime...

xoxo,
Mellissa

Family Time

I had the best Saturday morning with my parents. I just ADORE them. They are my rock.  They have always have been there for me.  They love me unconditionally and I cannot imagine how I would have faced this time in my life if not for their love and absolute belief in me.

Before Mom and I took the dogs for our morning walk around the lake, we had coffee together on the back porch with my dad. I was trying to explain the concept of the 3D Ultrasound to my dad and he was mad at me for doing something silly to expose the baby to "atomic" energy.  All matter has atoms, all atoms produce energy and all energy directed into the uterus is BAD. Suffice it to say that we had just been having a conversation about hecks and atoms in relation to scientists who are trying to find the God code...anyway I digress. I had to try to find a way to relate the ultrasound in a way that his "man mind" could wrap around with ease and comfort.

I remembered when we lived in South Florida, my dad would take us out in his boat all the time and he would always have that electronic fish finder thing going....which is an ULTRASOUND type device...BINGO - man application of ultrasound and the lack of harm to the fish, thus the lack of harm to the baby.  He smiled in relief and will be accompanying my mom and I for a special ultrasound when the baby is older (about 22/24 weeks) as I want them to witness the miracle of this child moving inside of me. I think my Dad will get a big kick out of seeing the face of his grandson. It means a lot to me.

After our morning walk and shower, I dressed and came downstairs and my dad looked at me and smiled at my mom and told me I looked really cute. You have to understand the sweetness and the effort of my daddy in this matter, as sweet is a word I have never heard him utter unless my mom put too much sugar in his coffee. He was doing his best to verbally cuddle me and used a girly word to make me smile. He made me feel beautiful and special just by that one line!!!

We had a wonderful day together buying maternity clothes for me, and cute little summer outfits for Evan....my dad just beamed with pride over providing for me and my little Viking....and I appreciated him so much for helping us. I will tell you though, I had to buy some new nightgowns and when I was in the dressing room with my mom trying on the gowns, I turned around and got a glimpse of myself in the dressing room mirror and I broke down in tears. My mom looked panicked and stood in front of the mirror to stop the image while I bent down my head and cried into my chest, shoulders shaking. I cried because I did not recognize the woman in the mirror...I still bought the nightgowns...testament to comfort below....

Well I am back home now, and I am missing my family and my room. Maggie is sleeping and I think I am headed that way too. Happy Sunday night all!!

Life and Living

There are many times throughout the day that I ponder my past and my future. I think of what was, what might have been, and what is. I take inventory of those I love and those I am trying to understand. I roll over things I have yet to make sense of, and I write mental love notes to those I care for; wishing in that moment they could feel my sentiment inside their heart.

I am a woman who often ponders and who is a very deep thinker. I have written previously that I wish I wasn't that way, but I do believe an unexamined life is not worth living. I am glad that I take the time to remove layers, to search for my understanding and stance and to seek advice from others when I cannot discriminate heads or tails in life issues.

So while I might sit and think of life often and connect dots in my head, or dream of those I love, it is a side of me that no one really sees in person. When you are near me (unless in crisis mode) you would most likely not imagine the introversion. You would see the laughing girl, the one brining everyone into the fun, the one who I was told recently was lucky because she meets new people every day and makes friends easily....but that is only on the surface...and at the end of the day, that woman returns home alone...and ponders life again....wondering if she will ever figure it all out...knowing she never will.

Well, enough of the 5 a.m. introspection. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! I am off to work and then to my folks for a little TLC and hugs, and to get more of the love I grew up on - and will pass along to my son soon!!

xoxo,
Mellissa

Put Your BIG Girl Panties On

Men, you might as well just stop reading right now!! This is gonna be a quasi-chick post and I don't want to ruin your day ;-)

Man, I gotta tell you all - I have been pretty quiet about my pregnancy overall. I do keep a blog for my little Evan - it is mostly about my feelings for him and my thoughts about life, etc. I don't write too much about my actual pregnancy..

So let's dish the truth - and just know this - PREGNANCY AIN'T FOR SISSIES!!!

1. My first Trimester was rough, rough, rough. I never had a moment of morning sickness and for that I am thankful. I did get mind-numbing fatigue of the Epstein-Bar Cher can't go on tour kind of way!! I would get out of bed and cry for an hour. I would take a shower and dry my hair and then be so exhausted I had to go back to bed....and I WOULD!! I felt like I had the flu all the time and I cried all the time - all the time (I still cry a lot)!!

2. My pregnancy is harder because I am single. Yes, I am single and not pointing any fingers or such as this but I am telling you that it is twice as hard to go through this alone. I read stuff about "daddy bringing home dinner" and get really upset at the girls on the message boards who are mad because they don't like what the man brought home!!! I say you silly woman - send that man over here to me, cause I got to get all my own crap and do everything myself. Shut up and EAT THE MEATLOAF and then get your feet rubbed. I also get highly upset when I see a pregnant woman out with her husband/boyfriend/partner. I want to have that too. I see them together registering at Babies R' Us and I leave the store and cry all the way home.

3. Fat arms.  My gosh!! I printed out a picture of myself just before finding out I was pregnant and I put it on the fridge as a reminder!!! Hard to believe that a scant few months ago I was getting firm and looked pretty good - now I have pregnancy envy and I look at other pregnant women (and it is like never seeing a certain car until you buy it and then seeing them everywhere!!!) and I look at their arms and get highly upset if they are toned - lol!! I have been doing my weights here at home (it is 7:15 a.m. and I already did bicep/triceps) but I get nowhere except for muscular with ripples of fat on the top, and I am NOT even gonna now talk about my hips as I won't manage the day ;-)

4. Dumb and Dumber. I used to be one smart cookie!! I walked at 7 months for crying out loud!! Now - I can be mid-sentence and totally lose track of what I was saying. I walk into a room to get something and can't remember what it was. I sit things down and can't remember where I sat them. It is nutty. I think I could handle the crying, rippled upper arms if I could just be smart and witty like I used to be!!

5. Mommy needs a MARGARITA!! You would think that I am a raging alcoholic I swear. Before I got pregnant with the Viking, I would maybe have cocktails on some weekends with my girlfriends - I was digging the whole Salsa dancing and Mojito's thing - very Ricky Ricardo if you know what I mean. Now - nada. I think about drinking a CORONA with lime every single day or I long to sit on my back porch with a nice crisp Riesling. Yeah - you would think that I had a drinking problem. I can assure you, I do not. It is just what you can't have that twinkles like the North star.

6. I miss my life!! I never thought I would have a child - I was told it wouldn't happen. I was married for 13 years and never conceived a child - suffice it to say I believed what the Dr.'s told me. No biggie overall. I wasn't home crying over it.  I had a fulfilling life, I loved it, loved it, loved it. I travelled all the time, had great adventures, romance and good food. I was the chatty fun girl about town, going to gallery openings, happy hour, fashion shows, and Paris for Christmas. I was the girl with cashmere jogging suits for crying out loud!! You see, in my life dream, I wanted to have a whole family - not just a child. I wanted husband first, child second and love, love, love but I thought that wasn't the story for me and I adapted.  Now I am alone a lot - actually every day and night and I hate it. I am a social person and need the company of others. However, now that I am pregnant I feel that I am forgotten and I am really missing my life. You know what's odd? I never spoke of children with any man I dated, or even with my ex-husband. I never kidded about cute kids or anything with ANY of them....except Greg who is the father of my son Evan. We thought it was fun to joke about how cute our kids would be. He now thinks I planned all this and tricked him because of those jokes. I did not...I just thought he was cute and sweet and a nice relationship although too far away and very different from me.

Now, I have shared with you my 6 mysteries and whaaaat?? horrors of pregnancy time. What I must tell you is that it is ALL worth while. In 24 short weeks I will welcome my son to this world. I cannot imagine the joy, I cannot imagine the love. He is wiggling inside as I write this post and I am smiling. No matter what I go through each day, it is worth it because I have been blessed with a treasure the magnitude which I never even imagined - me - a mother. Wow!! If it has to be this way, then so be it.

As for the rest, I guess I just have to "Put my BIG girl panties on and DEAL with it."  This transition time is not the end, it is only the beginning - so everything else doesn't matter. I win the ultimate prize in the end. Aren't I lucky?!!!

xoxo,
Bug

Doing The Best You Can

It is o.k. to struggle and to ponder and to feel injustice when injustice is served to you. It is permissible to say I struggle to stay positive each day. Honesty is honorable - reach out for help if you need it and don't be afraid or embarrassed. We ALL need help this way - no person is completely without need of support. It is o.k. to say I have been let down and I do not trust. 

To say it is to acknowledge your feelings and through acknowledgement and understanding we learn how to avoid those who will let us down. Speak your truth to those you trust and do not let yourself be put down repeatedly by another. They point out the weakness in themselves in what they portray onto you. Use their words as a mirror into their soul - and when they show you who they are - believe them and walk away. 

Hold your head high if you are worthy and have been honorable and remove yourself from what hurts your heart. It is o.k. to want. It is o.k. to hold onto your value system and to hope. It is wise to dream of something better and to hold yourself and others to a higher standard of morality and kindness. You do not have to apologize to society for wanting better than the average we have lowered ourselves to. You do not have to live a lie to meet the needs of another, or pretend that less than 100% is o.k. if it is not. 

I know that I will not bend to it any longer, I will hold my truths as the measuring stick of my life. I will not allow life to run me over or those who live in false pretense and lower standards to influence my life. I might have to go to therapy, I might have to take a little pill each day to cope, I might have to pray to God each day for the strength to get out of bed and put my feet on the ground. I might have to humble myself before each person I know to get the help I need - but I tell you this. I WILL NOT BEND, I WILL NOT PRETEND, I WILL NOT SETTLE for the leftovers of life - and pretend it is enough - and to anyone else who reads this - neither should you. 

Take care - and please, be honorable to each other. Love with an open heart, don't inflict harm on another, don't withhold yourself from those who need you. It is the worst of humanity the suffering we cause each other. 

Love, 

Mellissa

Cliche'

I just returned to the office from having a quick bite of lunch. I had a grilled chicken sandwich, side of fruit and a pickle spear.

Then it hit....that pickle spear was so good!!!  I sat there for a long time wanting another - and daring NOT to ask...lest I become a cliché'...well, to the outside world that is...

I am now back and work - and still thinking about that pickle....

xoxo,
Mellissa

Popcorn from Evan!!!

I haven't been writing much lately, or I have been writing and publishing only to save things in draft mode a few moments later - that included this mornings post. 

However - just a few minutes ago as I was in the shower singing to my little Evan and leaning over to wash my toes - I got some "Popcorn". I straightened up and put my hand just to the left of my belly button; completely startled that, indeed, the movements of the baby feel like popcorn popping!!! I was also surprised at how high he is sitting. But I guess at 5.5-6 inches this week (head to hiney) and adding an extra two inches of legs, my little man is almost 8 inches long in total, and right where I felt him, hanging out by my belly button!! What a gift today brings to me!! 

Each time I wonder about my future and my life, God gives me a little gift. Today my gift was "Popcorn" and a smile that will carry with me the rest of my day. I am 40% through my pregnancy, second trimester, 16 weeks today!! (Let's just hope he wasn't having a violent reaction to my singing ;-) 

xoxo, Mellissa

Facing Fowards

There are times when I find writing on my blog difficult. Those mainly are the times of pain in my life or when I am having a hard time navigating my way. 

 As a writer, or I should say, a person who's creative expression is writing, it is hard NOT to release all the words and get it out. I haven't written what is truly in my heart for a few months now. I wake up in the middle of the night and the words are tripping over themselves in concentric circles. It is as if could just write them down then all the problems would be solved and reason would prevail and my voice would be heard. I wake up almost every night this way since I have not written the truth about my life. I am not writing about my true feelings right now because life is difficult enough without giving credence to my words and accepting my fate. 

If I write it down then it is history, it is recorded, it is my fate and that is something that I just cannot emotionally handle right now with the enormous changes in both my physical and emotional makeup due to my pregnancy. When I wake up now, or as I continually think about themes of injustice, I give it back to God. I give it to him again and again and again. I ask to only face forward towards his grace, to not again look back onto the things that hurt. 

I did want to share my prayer with each of you so that if you are experiencing pain and loss in your lives, or if you are wrestling with feelings of helplessness and abandonment, or being alone, you can pray this too - no matter what your faith, prayer is a powerful and comforting practice which can change you from the inside and give you strength.

Love, 

Mellissa 

 "In this day give me the strength to die in my own will and my own thoughts. Let me focus only on the things I am able to change with your help and to have peace. Please soothe my heart and know that I am as helpless as a child in my circumstance. I pray that you will ease my mind and allow joy to come. Please allow me to learn to accept all things in your time and please keep my heart tender to those who have hurt me. I just ask to feel your love and your peace today. Please keep me close to you and I know I will not fail."

Who I AM

A few years ago after my divorce and as I was beginning to live life again, I sat down on my back patio and I began to write a series about who I am and what I believe. No matter how silly it was, I said I would write down all the things I knew for sure about myself in an effort to get to know me as a person alone - not part of a couple, not identified by the presence of another.

Today I felt it important that I post this again....for myself. I needed a reminder of Who I am and what makes my heart sing. I deserve happiness and I deserve love. I do not deserve half-attempts and idle patronization.

Thanks for reading!

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What I believe:

I believe in love and the sanctity of marriage, sheets with high thread counts, French milled soap and washing your face at night. I believe in honesty and fidelity and little girls wearing seersucker dresses in the summertime. I believe in schedules and nap time and discipline tempered with love. I believe in barbeques with music and that Tide is the best laundry detergent.

I believe in the Golden Rule and offering smiles to those who wish you ill. I believe in being there in times of crisis or trouble and to think before you speak. I believe there is a soul mate for each person and that our lives are predestined. I believe in Comet for the kitchen sink and scrubbing pots by hand.

I believe in Christmas and the beauty of family. I believe in treating guests like royalty and putting flowers in the house; in doing rather than expecting and staying up late sometimes just to talk it out.

I believe in staying in the shower sometimes just to use up all the hot water; stepping out pink and glowing from overindulgence. I believe dogs know character and give unconditional love; that French is the most beautiful language on earth and Mozart does expand the mind.

I believe in good wine and cheese, that perfect fried chicken can only be made by fine Christian women in the South and that coleslaw should have celery seeds in it because that is how my mom makes it. I believe in beach vacations and watching sunsets with someone you love, honoring your mother and father and being a good partner to those you involve yourself with.

I believe in walking city streets at night and trying something different on the menu, to take chances in love and to get on an airplane to someplace fulfilling as often as you can. I believe in spirituality and that God exists in the simple things in life.

I believe there is a moment of perfect silence when a child is born. I have experienced that first hand and it is monumental. I believe in expression and that modern art is sometimes a fluke; Paris is the most beautiful city I have ever seen and that I give unconditional love to those who are deserving of it. I don’t believe love means never having to say you are sorry – I believe it means having to say you are sorry more than you want to.

I believe in gold bands over fancy diamond rings, although I would rather have a small perfect diamond than a big cubic zirconia. I believe in good stationary and the art of writing letters to those who need it and don’t expect it. I believe in keeping your mouth shut when you don’t know what you are talking about and never putting people down making them feel less than so you can feel more than.

I believe in Sunday mornings with God and music and the paper and a really good cup of coffee, in the beauty of springtime and that my Mother is goodness in human form. I believe that Marjorie Brown was the greatest influence in my life and that I have the capacity to love more than most.

I am sure there are other items I can add to this list as I think about them, but if you want to know me, this is a pretty good place to start.

Mellissa

Some Very Wise Advice - Let It Go!!!

Here is a little message that I recieved in an email yesterday. I hope you will read it through to the end as it is very powerful. These words are an except from a sermon by the Reverend T.D. Jakes. I really needed to see this today in confirmation of something I have been needing to do for three months now.

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not forus. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, & see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing in your life!!! LET IT GO!!!

So get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!! "

- The Reverend T.D. Jakes

Facing It

I think acceptance is the hardest part of life. There are certain facets one must choose to accept or choose to stand up and say "I do NOT accept this". That is a fine line isn't it? It is a delicate matter to know when to give more time to understand the scope of something and when to turn from it saying that you know better and won't accept the burden anymore.

Many of you will not understand what I write of today, but suffice it to say that I have seen the truth in a matter in my life, and I will not be the dog that returns for affection to it's master only to be beaten and sent away. Whether abuse is physical or emotional - it leaves a scar and a mark.

I asked to spend time, to be held and supported this weekend. I asked last weekend. I was denied....again. An offer was made for Labor Day Weekend - almost a month away from now. This means I will have spent two months and a week alone in my pregnancy. This is NOT acceptable, it is not support.

What Is That Like?

In conversation with a friend last night and let's preface this writing by saying that this friend is Jim, whom you all might remember as the man I dated and loved quite dearly last year and with whom now I am building a respectful friendship based on mutual respect of character

Anyway, I digress

In this conversation we were catching up, discussing our lives and happenings over the last few months since we saw each other. It was as comforting a conversation as is a quilt on a rainy day. It was honest and loving and we listened - to each other - we respected what the other feels and is experiencing in life. To that end, we discussed a person very dear to Jim, the very person who's shadow I could not eclipse and the reason we were never meant to be more than we were

He said something so wonderful and so profound that I wept over the words this morning. I wept for his sense of loss and I wept for the illusive in my life because I realize that men do love, and there are soulmates out there for each of us

His beautiful words - "I truly believe I was put on this Earth to love her. I was made for her." For me - to know that this is true, that a man can actually feel that level of emotion for a woman gives me great hope for the future, and a renewal that men are sometimes more than we give them credit for

This man, my friend, is one of those men, and a giant among them. I am proud to call you my very dearest and I am glad we have found this spot to stand in support and friendship. I truly wish you well

xoxo,
Mellissa

Pregnancy Stupid

How I was....fit, smart and un-stupid....

How I am...fat, happy and stupid ;-)

Have you all ever heard of the "Pregnancy Stupids"??? Well let me tell you - it is TRUE that you get a little dense during this time. I do some things that just make me wince at my own goofiness - not to mention that all of a sudden (in the last three months) I CANNOT spell. I mess up all kinds of words and for a writer, that is quite alarming!!!

Now the latest stupid....

On Friday evening, I decided to take my little man on our first date. It had been a great day, I was excited and wanted to celebrate and since I am alone, decided to take the new man in my life out on the town for dinner and a movie. The new Catherine Zeta Jones movie was playing at 7:45 p.m. - Perfect to fit my early-bird dinner and still make the movie!!

I got my ticket and my diet coke and walked into the theatre with a big grin, all ready for my movie date.....as my eyes adjusted to the theatre I realized that there were no seats and the two that I saw I was actually given dirty looks (yes, I could see them in the dark) that said "oh no fat chick, don't EVEN think about it."

So I turned and started crying (yes, I do that) little drips of disappointment. Then I was irritated at whoever was stupid enough to sell more tickets for a full theatre, or all those "sneaky people" who went to my movie instead of the one they paid for. See how nuts I am.

So I went up to the manager of the movies and asked for my money back. "The movie is full and I can't get a seat." I said to him. He replied... "No Reservation?" to which I just stood there looking at him in disbelief, saying nothing. "No Reservation?" he asked again. I said "Of course I didn't have a reservation...I just came to the movies like normal. Do you need a reservation now?" He just started laughing at me, and said.. "NO, the movie is CALLED "No Reservation", is that what movie you wanted to see?"

DUUUUUUHHHHHH

 

Yeah - I felt that stupid.....and trust me - there are a lot more stories I could tell you - but in a effort to maintain my dignity in an era where my thighs are becoming friends - I will not. Just suffice it to say that my little man better be brilliant - cause he is BOGARTING all the oxygen and I am out here in dumbsville. Oh, and if you are wondering about the two pictures. That is to remind me that I can snap back - and eventually get a Friday night date and drink a Martini.

xoxo,

Bug

It's a....

We had a perfect visit today and I saw my child for the first time. I cried and cried and could not believe how busy the baby was - moving and kicking and putting it's hands up to it's mouth. I saw the brain and the heart and the ribcage and perfect spine. I saw arms and hands and five little fingers - making a fist. I was in awe and did not expect the experience to have such a profound impact on me.

I saw a perfect little rump and long kicking legs and then we saw something else....and the sonographer asked if I wanted to know the sex of the baby.....I cried and nodded and she said I can tell you 85% that it's a.....

BOY

 

Everyone, please meet my son!!! He is perfect and I am in love!! Have a wonderful weekend all!!!

I've Decided

I woke up this morning and decided to be happy. I have wonderful friends, and people who reach out to me unexpectedly and bring a smile to my face; reminding me that I am truly cared for. I thought I would say a few thanks.

1. Mom & Dad - How did I get so lucky to have you as parents? I can only hope to emulate your example in life for my own child. You are my anchor in stormy seas and you did not chastise me when I was crying and hormonal...you just hugged me and made me feel safe against the world. To my Dad especially, I know it isn't easy to see me struggle right now, but thank you for comforting me in the ways you know how. I see why mom loves you so much. You are the master protector.

2. To Daniel - Thank you for just listening to me and allowing me to open up my heart. Thank you for understanding how I think and for being there and offering support if I need it. Just to have you say it helped me feel I would be o.k. until I am back up and running at full speed!!!

2. Angie - From day one you encouraged me and smiled and you were EXCITED for me and said it would be o.k. . Thank you for the laughs and the lunches and the emails and text messages just to check in and let me know you are thinking about me. You are a great friend and I miss seeing you.

3. Pascale - The most modern thinker who allows me to be traditional. Thank you for bolstering who I am and re-enforcing my decision when I did not know where to turn or what to do. Your voice on the phone gave me the encouragement I needed the day I felt I couldn't go on a moment longer in this scenario. You were the first to know about the Baby, you are always my first call - and my best friend. Thank you.

4. Isabel - Madrid is so far away and I will miss your wedding in France next week - but you will return home soon enough and we will raise our children together. I look forward to that!! Thanks for the laughs and sharing the mommy bond with me.

5. Jamie - You can't know how much your invitation to dinner last Friday night meant to me. I had been home crying and feeling really sad when you pinged me to meet you for supper. Thank you for treating me to dinner, and for being such a good friend to me. You are a gem.

6. Osbasso -  From sending me flowers on my birthday from so far away to emailing me just to say hello and make me smile. You are always a bright spot in my day - and in my life.

To everyone else who has written to congratulate and who cheers me on. Thank you too!! I look forward to these happy days ahead. I have a big appointment for the baby tomorrow - I get to see her (?) and hear her heartbeat for the first time. I am really excited for that moment. Please say a little prayer for us that all will be well and we hear a LOUD and healthy heartbeat fill the room.

Love,
Mellissa

I Did It

I am in a place where I never thought I would be. I really need to write about how I am feeling and get it out of me. I know it will rebuild inside of me again, like steam and when I fear that I will split wide open from the pressure, I will simply write again and let it out.

I have been an absolute mess for two months. Since I discovered I was pregnant, I think I have had about 10 o.k. days. The rest I am just surviving. I cry off and on through the day, in private where no one can see me. Often I freak out at Greg because he wants to take things as they come and won't do the marriage or live together thing. That has sent me so far over the edge that I wander around in a state of utter panic and despair. I know I have been impossible to deal with, but somehow I continue to fight as if I can't believe he won't let me in and protect me. I give in because I am exhausted and I keep it all to myself....for a day or so and then I can't pretend anymore and blow up again.

I worry that I might hurt myself some days (don't freak out, I don't ) I mean it is just that I don't know how to keep all this up. Pregnant, no job, very little money left to cover my bills for the next month, Lab bills and Dr. bills already in the mailbox, insurance due again - typical life stuff. No help from Greg, no offer of assistance and most days even kindness.  Each thing that comes up brings an avalanche of emotion and fear. My parents have been great. They are helping me out and giving me lots of love and support, but the only one who can provide me what I need and long for is Greg.

He believes somewhere in the back of his mind that I did this on purpose, which I can assure you I did not. I would not wish this pain and uncertainty on my worst enemy. Mind you I am not talking about the baby. That is a miracle. I mean the feeling of being scared and alone and completely vulnerable. The feeling that there is someone who could extend a lifeline to you but does not. I try so hard to wrap my mind around his point of view, but I just can't and it tears at us both; the arguments becoming more desperate on my part - and he pulls away telling me he can't handle me right now and that I am childish or selfish. I admit it I am totally out of control and a complete psycho on the edge pregnant lady. But I just don't know how to get through this.

I try my best to understand that we were dating (7 months) when this happened and that although I loved him, he wasn't there yet - maybe he never would have been, I don't know - I do understand that "just because you tell me your are pregnant don't expect me to turn around and say I love you and let you move in." I understand things don't just go "poof" like magic. What I can't understand is the lack of compassion for my situation, or what I perceive to be a lack of compassion. Even my ex-boyfriend offered me a place to stay when he read my blog - and I appreciated the gesture of kindness, although it was the last thought on my mind. It did, stand in stark contrast that Greg never spoke those words of assistance to me.

Anyway, I have put this to so many people I know - asking them if it is me who is a nut, and doesn't get it, or if there is something horribly wrong with this whole scenario. Whatever it is, I have surrendered to it. It won't change and I have finally given up the fight in utter exhaustion and frustration. I cried again this afternoon when I got home and now my head hurts. I want to call Greg and I want him to help me make it better. I am not a slacker and I am not a person who tricks anyone and I would never manipulate a man for a baby. I was happy with life as it was. 

Anyway, I am just putting all my business on the street. I guess I am just so far gone that I just surrender to it all.   I admit it freely and will tell you that I am sure Greg sees this in a whole different light and he would tell you that he is right here for me (5 hours away) and is doing the right thing. Who knows what is the right answer. I just know my heart is broken and I want it to stop so I can begin to get excited about our baby.

Whenever I think of her? my heart breaks and I cry again at the thought that I have ruined her life and she will never know the comfort of having Mom & Dad home at night to give her a bath and read to her and to show her what love looks like. I wish I had her father here with me during my pregnancy. I read about pregnancy on line and dad's who are thrilled and dote on the mom and bring her a flower and rub her belly - and I cry again. I just feel like I am so unworthy, I can't imagine what I did to be unlovable.

I feel like the biggest failure of all time. I cannot believe this is my life.

Sharing

I know that many of you who read my Blog (thank you) have been wondering what the change has been with me over the last few months. I have not been posting as much, or my writing has been cryptic and out of place. Some of the things I wrote that people thought were about someone else was really about me, my feelings - fears and life.

I have experienced emotions and the depths of pain and elation over the past three months that I did not know could exist in this lifetime. I have experienced feelings of isolation and fear and also joy and overwhelming awe. I have been discriminated against with employment and had my security taken away in my ability to earn my living right now. I will re-build and find a new path to the top of the mountain - all with God's help.

You see, there is something larger - something infinitely more special with me now. It is more precious than the pain I have felt, it is larger than the fear I face, it is the gift above all gifts in this life. Rainer Rilke, I think, said it best in an excerpt from his poem....

"For one human being to love another:
that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks;
the ultimate, the last test and proof,
the work for which all other work is but preparation."
Rainer Maria Rilke

As I write this today, I do not write alone. There is a second creative force in me and I am falling in love.....and my life to this point has been preparation to accept this gift. I am going to be a mother. Three months are up, and I am pleased to share my news with you. Thank you all for the friendship and the support which always encourages and lifts me when life finds me in awkward places. I have been keeping a Blog for the Baby Bug and will post a link on the sidebar shortly. Welcome to this new chapter.

xoxo,

Bug