Barcelona - My Birthday

Sometimes pictures are worth a thousand words. We had a wonderful night out for my birthday - celebrating together. They turned out all the lights in the restaurant and brought my cake and everyone sang together. I felt like a princes. It was wonderful!!

Mellissa

For Teri - Rest In Peace

I keep thinking about you....I find myself fading out a little bit and spending time in reflection of what you were and how you came to be.

I keep praying for you....Even though you no longer need it from me, I am not sure what else to do to remember you.

I am missing you......Even though we never met, you were a part of me and now that is gone.

I am thinking of you....
- and feeling the loss.

For Teri in Texas - In Memorium

Tonight I received an email that has broken my heart and shaken me to the core. I am unsettled, angry and very, very sad. Seven months ago, I met a woman named Teri who had been reading my blog. While it is a long story to tell and it is too painful to write at this moment, I will say that she was lovely. She had escaped an abusive relationship, reunited with her brother, survived a great ordeal and was in the process of re-building her life. I was proud of her, and proud to be her friend. Although we never met, her emails always brought a smile to my face.

About a month ago she wrote me and I returned the email with a great deal of advice tendered with love. I never got a reply and was thinking about this just before my trip away. I was missing her and thought of sending a note her way but decided to hold off as she may have needed some time to digest what we had spoken of.

That email will never be returned - Teri was murdered two weeks ago. This is not supposed to happen - she was trying, she was rebuilding and she was wounded by life - she just wanted to start over and be happy, to have her job and a new love in her life.

Please say a prayer for her family and those she loved. I will never forget her...never. I am re-posting my Blog from February 15th of this year in her honor. Teri, I am sorry this happened to you dearest, sweet woman.


FOR TERI



This is my prayer tonight and what is on my heart. May all those who read these words keep this prayer in motion each day.


Dear God,

Watch over her and bring her peace and healing. Send Angels to walk on either side of her, and Arc Angels to guard her from ahead and behind.

Lift her spirit more each day and bless her efforts of recovery and renewal. Grant wisdom for the future; grace for the past and loving arms to hold her at the end of each day. Fill her soul with the comfort of your voice and place her firmly in the circle of love that you created for each of us.

***********************

We are one my sweet sister, please know that although we have never met, I am walking this journey with you in my heart and on my knees.

May God bless and keep you. May God shine his light upon you and give you peace.

With respect and affection,

Mellissa

Rainy Morning in Zurich

The flight part is over and I was greeted at the Zürich airport by the most beautiful, tall blond Swiss woman holding a balloon that said "Welcome" and had little ladybugs all over it. It was a great start to the trip and brought such a smile to my face to see Pascale again.

We headed out into the rain towards her home and I crashed for a couple of hours before we met up for lunch in a little restaurant across from the lake of Zürich where we munched on a flat bread pizzaish thing (tarte flambée) and salads. It was the beginning of our catch up time, since we have not been together in person since we spent New Year together in Paris in 2003/2004

I have now come to the village of Küsnacht, which is a short distance away from Zürich and houses the offices of my boss. I am kicked back at his computer drinking a coffee and writing to you all before he comes in here and catches me and gives me the boot.....

Pascale is reading over my shoulder and correcting the proper grammar for Swiss words :-0 that is why you see all the funny little characters in the text....those Swissies, always so precise!!!!

I am off now to go look up a tee shirt for Pascale and have another cup of coffee so I can survive dinner and cocktails.

Photo's coming soon....

xoxo,
Bug

Taking Off

Well, here we are - another travel day has arrived and I am sooo not ready to go. I still have lots of prep to do before my car arrives at 2:00 to take Maggie to the Inn At Barking Hound Village and then me to the airport for my flight to Zürich.

Clothes are still sitting on the bed and I am Blogging - great huh!! Nothing like being prepared. I guess it is because I have been doing so much running around lately that I literally have been unpacking one suitcase in order to pack another.

I have a deadline to get off my hiney by 8:00 a.m. and get it together - so it is a quick "chat" with you all and finishing my coffee and then off to the races.

My mobile phone needed a quick replacement and I upgraded from the Blackberry to the Nokia 9300 with full web browser and international unlimited data so I can keep up with you all from the road and check my emails which I am addicted to I hate to say. I think at times I am a little too connected!!

I am sitting outside with Maggie watching the sun peek out above the tree-line and wash everything in gold - mornings sure are lovely.

Update - 8:36 a.m. Packing done! Now I have to run out and do my last minute errands and get lip plumper for my girlfriend Pascale (((snicker))...the things we do for beauty!!

I will leave you with a saying that is most on my mind right now. It is from Brian Andreas, one of my favorite writers. I have mentioned him in my blog before and have a link to his website on the left.
This is for you...

"I held him close for only a short time, but after he was gone, I'd see his smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew he would be there with me all the rest of my days. " - Brian Andreas

So folks - I will write you from Zürich tomorrow with the news. Please say hi as I would love to read little notes from you on the road.

xoxo,
Ladybug

Rosemary & Time....Bliss

Here are a few pics from my weekend at Rosemary. I am now off to unpack one suitcase and prep another - I have two days to get ready to go again....Zürich is rainy and 58 degrees and Barcelona is 80 degrees and sunny plus work stuff - so this is going to be an interesting packing assignment ;-)
I leave Thursday evening for Zurich and will arrive Friday morning - in time for a quick nap and then a train ride to Kuesnacht where I will meet up with some folks for lunch. Saturday is girls day with Pascale and a night out on the town! Sunday is a relaxing day with a trip out to see Pascales' mom and dad and then Monday it is off to Barcelona.

Since work does not start until a cocktail reception on Wednesday night it will just be some prep meetings and fun with the gang. They are all taking me out Monday night for my birthday dinner and since Matt Digweed from Manchester, UK will be there - it is sure to be a rowdy night!! I got my assignment for the conference and I will be moderating the panelists and speakers for Track 5 of our conference - Banking and Information Technology - have to brush up on my timing to keep the schedule clean and the long-winded Bankers on target.

I spoke with my boss yesterday and asked if he could refer me to a position in London with some contacts he has there. I am ready for a change.

Hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day - and that you remember to take a moment to thank those who put their lives on the line for our freedom both past and present.

xoxo,
Mellissa

Give Me A Break

O.K. I have really had it with women's fashion magazines. I won't even go into the same ol' same ol' articles that each one has each month - I glance at them in the supermarket and just smile to myself thinking that they are like a big ol' bunch of recipe swappers - each magazine writing about the same things, just changing one ingredient...

What frosts my rear is the "fashion" spreads.... I am just gonna rant for a second here and then be done with it. I AM TIRED OF SEEING 15 YEAR OLD GIRLS MODELING WOMEN'S CLOTHES. Whew, thanks for listening, I almost feel better now....but not quite.

I want to see WOMEN modeling women's clothes. I want to see a $3000 dress on a woman that can afford it, that has the patina of experience, that has smoldering, sexy eyes that let you know she has seen and done some things. I want breasts that are mature filling out the dress and curves that fill out a womans body. I don't want to see little girls playing dress up in Nina Ricci or Chloe or Oscar de la Renta!!! I look at these little girls and want them to be over in the Gap Kids ads or Abercrombie & Fitch where they belong!!! Lovely little things that they are and I can fully appreciate them, but GIVE ME A BREAK already.

I want to see my girls on there - women I would go out with and have cocktails and gossip with, women who know about a great Barolo or who have been to the opera or have had a baby or lived life and its ups and downs.

So, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Mademoiselle, Glamour, W and all the rest of you. Get off your butts and hire some women to do the work. That is what we want and we are the ones who are buying those clothes for the types of events I listed above.

Thank you.
Mellissa

Rosemary Beach Break

Here are a few pics from my weekend at Rosemary. I am now off to unpack one suitcase and prep another - I have two days to get ready to go again....Zurich is rainy and 58 degrees and Barcelona is 80 degrees and sunny plus work stuff - so this is going to be an interesting packing assignment ;-)

I leave Thursday evening for Zurich and will arrive Friday morning - in time for a quick nap and then a train ride to Kuesnacht where I will meet up with some folks for lunch. Saturday is girls day with Pascale and a night out on the town! Sunday is a relaxing day with a trip out to see Pascales' mom and dad and then Monday it is off to Barcelona.
Since work does not start until a cocktail reception on Wednesday night it will just be some prep meetings and fun with the gang. They are all taking me out Monday night for my birthday dinner and since Matt Digweed from Manchester, UK will be there - it is sure to be a rowdy night!! I got my assignment for the conference and I will be moderating the panelists and speakers for Track 5 of our conference - Banking and Information Technology - have to brush up on my timing to keep the schedule clean and the long-winded Bankers on target.

I spoke with my boss yesterday and asked if he could refer me to a position in London with some contacts he has there. I am ready for a change. If this does not work out, I am thinking of soliciting a position with IBM there. There might be an opportunity for me in Tampa, Florida or another here in Atlanta. Wish me luck. The changes are in motion now and I am quite determined to live them out.

Hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day - and that you remember to take a moment to thank those who put their lives on the line for our freedom both past and present.

xoxo,
Mellissa

Sometimes

Sometimes we can capture a moment so brilliantly. Sometimes that moment is digitally preserved for our memory bank, and sometimes it is etched in our heart, or in our mind's eye.

This was one of those moments for me - a simple kiss that lasted well after the photograph snapped. A wonderful sunset, a beautiful beach, and two people who were just enjoying the simplicity of being together.

HJR, thank you for the wonderful weekend away.

One of My Favorites - Rosemary Beach

Well, we are here - and it is magical. Rosemary Beach is one of my favorite places to go, and somehow I always end up here around my birthday!

Jim and I drove down yesterday, and in true man fashion he did not use the directions I printed out, saying he knew the way down to Destin, Florida - and he did....that is a first ;-)

We spent the afternoon out at the pool and riding our bikes and relaxing a little. When I got to the pool, I was thinking about Mexico again.....

So things here are going well and I am happily relaxing in my nightgown while Jim is out on a 15 mile cycle. I would have been game, but when you put on your bike shorts and training jersey - count me out. I am a little more about flip flops, bike baskets and sundresses right now. He can go be manly while I sit here and sip coffee...

I will write another post this afternoon or sooner as I have some other thoughts bunking around...thoughts about a monster ;-)

xoxo,
Bug

Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler—Let The Good Times Roll. ...

Well, I have decided to start rolling again. I want to go back to the way I used to be - and travel is my passion!

With that said, I am off this weekend to Rosemary Beach Florida with Jim where we will spend the weekend in a beautiful carriage house at the beach.

The following Thursday I will leave for Zurich to spend time with one of my dearest friends, Pascale and we will finally have that catch up time we have needed. A long weekend in Switzerland for my 38th birthday!

That Monday (my birthday) I will head to Barcelona for a week of part work and part play with my co-workers at IBM.

So, Mexico, two trips to Florida, Zurich and Barcelona in under 30 days. I think that should do it! I'm BACK!!! ;-)

xoxo.
Bug

I Thought About It

I saw it there, paragraphs of a backwards apology, finger pointing with the words written to make us equal by saying "I may have done this, but you do too", as though apples and oranges were the same because they are fruit.

It is funny how people use the word "We" to deflect what should solely be taken on as "I" - in an effort to make it easier on themselves.

You see, I don't agree with this philosophy in life, if you act alone, or something is one-sided, be an "I" and make it stick. Don't dilute your responsibility in something by saying "We did", or "We are not" or "We keep on.." 'cause no, "We" don't, but you do.

So this morning as I sit here with my coffee - I thought about it, for a moment before writing this and allowing it to be set free out of my mind. I am reminded once again that some doors are to be left closed, and that you cannot offer friendship to everyone.

What Does Today Bring

What will she write today.....what will we click and find? Will it be the happy-go-lucky girl, or the one that life kicks a little from time to time. These two things make me un-unique, I am just like everyone else I know, except for the small fact that I Blog and it is accessible to all.

My thoughts for today are pretty random, so I will just jot them down and let you see what is for you and I will know what is just for me ;-)

• Unexpected presents rock - THANK YOU.
• I have a reader daily from the UK - Who are you?
• Maggie won't eat her breakfast - spoiled dog!!
• am_pm - what a wonderful email - I will write you soon!
• I am sorry about the loss of your friend L.
• My fingers still smell of spearmint & eculaptyus - hmmm.
• James Blunt rocks and I will never listen to "High" the same way again.
• Simplify your projects and accomplish one thing at a time.
• Smile more often - it makes people think you have a secret - and maybe you do...
• My toes are brown and it reminds me that being outside is a gift.
• I wish we could be a "we" - because "we" are awesome and simple.
• Good tomatoes are the stuff of legends. When was the last time you bit into a really good one?
• Bryce has the most beautiful child I have ever seen. The world needs to watch out for her!!!
• I am at a crossroad in my life.
• I dream of running away and living abroad. I could totally do it. I might.
• My 38th birthday is weeks away....I love who I am at this age.
• I am unsettled - in a good way.
• I keep thinking about the lie you told. Shame on you, I hope you reconcile it with yourself.
• That tattoo of Vera still makes me laugh.
• I miss the beach. I am ready to go again.

So that is it in a nutshell. I was told recently that I am a "hard nut" and I think about that a little. I am not, I just show that side to people I don't know. I think it throws them off a little.

Hope you all are well - and happy.

xoxo,
Bug

Recovered

Well I think I am going to make it! I just got my second wind and am watching Maggie run back and forth in the yard looking for a chipmunk. She just rocks!!

I can't believe the change in the weather from Mexico to Atlanta. I left sunny and 94 degrees and am now in breezy 72 degrees!! Life is in full-swing again and the phone is ringing and emails are coming and chats with friends are making me feel restored again.

I love looking down at my feet and seeing the mark of vacation sun on them - I keep playing back through the week, thinking of the friends made and the memories that will linger with me long into old age. The night we arrived at our hotel, 200 members of the British Army descended on the hotel - fresh from a jungle training course in Belize for six weeks. We were adopted by the boys and protected each and every night. It was nice to sleep out on the beach, knowing we were flanked by some pretty strong men who would let nothing happen to us. We in return laughed at British humor, learned a lot of Army slang and danced the nights away. We handed out Advil and Benadryl and shared our music and our sun block. We shared dinners of wine and steak and were serenaded by musicians.

So, in short, we went to Mexico - we got some sun, we laughed a lot, we made some friends for life and we healed. No detail about us went un-noticed from our toes to our eyes and we were complimented in genuine appreciation. It was lovely. I am glad I went! Thanks Lads!

Cheers~

A New Day

I could feel it as soon as I woke up this morning. It is a new day - I am un-tethered and standing fully alone. I don't feel much of anything at all actually, perhaps just a little bit of resignation and a little peace.

I am ready for a big change in my life. I can feel it, something different is coming. I have an idea of what that is, but I will keep it to myself for now. I can say that I miss my family and I am tired of living so far away from a support structure. No one can be an island - I am beginning to realize that.

HJR - I hope you understand why I said we could not speak again. It is just for my health right now. I woke up this morning and wanted to tell you one more thing......but I won't. Please know that I will miss you very, very much.

Well, I am off to shower and take this day by the thumb and make it kneel before me. It will be a busy one - and I am looking forward to stepping back into my routine.

x0x0,
Bug

"Maz"

You offered your ear buds to me as you stood and made your way into the sea. The song played through and my breath caught in my throat. How fitting I thought to myself as I watched you walk along the shore towards the beckoning turquoise.

The quiet one of the group, always watching, rarely speaking. The gentleman soldier with kind eyes. The song said everything - Thank you and may God bless you during your seven months in Iraq.

- Travel Journal - Cancun
May 2006

Home Again

I'm back - sitting out on the back porch enjoying the humidity-free evening, drinking some Earl Grey tea and thinking back on a great week.

Two photographs - that's all - because what happens in Cancun stays in Cancun.

Remembering

Swimming in lazy circles with the sun overhead we were. Idle talking and bursts of laughter from the chorus behind. Sombrero wearing lads on floaters, erupting in songs and cheers - so happy to have left the camp behind and the mosquitoes that threatened to carry them away.

Sitting on the shoreline making holes in the sand with our fingers we sat. Relaxed together and comparing notes about what our every day life was like back at home. Sand on toes and hair curled from salt spray - lips that stung from sun and wind, and smiles carried the afternoon into the evening.

"Scotland" hit his head on the bottom of the pool and made revelations that were truth in hindsight, but just a joke in the moment. Blue towels were carefully counted and returned to Jose, while the Peacock's called out to each other and signaled the approaching dinner hour. Retreats were made to rooms for showers and changing, and a red-checked shirt showed off the mark of color from the day.

Sitting on an incline on the grass you were, under a palm tree - enjoying the change of latitude. Wicker chairs and the approaching sunset called us to partake a little longer in the breezeway and the shutter of the camera clicked away, capturing the sweetness of that moment forever.

We danced together before we danced with friends. There was laughter and congo lines, sweat making circles on shirts, smiles that left trails on the corners of our eyes. Fish that swam below the dock illuminated just for you and me as we left the others behind for a while.

As we retreated into the night, I thought to myself - "This is as sweet as it gets in life." As the taxi driver turned up the music and turned the car towards "home", I closed my eyes and fixed it all in my memory. Thank you TC...

- Travel Diary, Cancun 2006

Going Away

I leave in a few hours for Cancun. I am looking forward to some downtime and some simple times with friends.

This has been a difficult week for me so I hope I can truly escape what is in my mind and heavy on my heart.

See you all next Sunday.

God bless you!!

Mellissa

Knowing

It is really hard to know something you are not supposed to know. It is difficult to stand still, to keep quiet to process and to stay on your course.

Your mind races with thoughts. The fact that you knew in your mind already the event does not make it easier in confirmation. You tell yourself not to process the image, not to deal in the emotional impact of it as you don't know the meaning or the intent. It is not yours to handle, to deal with. Yet there it is, pushing forward on you while you are pushing it back.

Besides, you already knew in your heart that it happened, the rest doesn't matter anyway. It is simply choosing where you go from here that matters.

So, Mellissa - where do you go from here? Take a deep breath and push that image back one more time. You can do it.

The Giving and Receiving of The Ring

We have long heard and recognized these words as part of the marriage ceremony as the priest or reverend blesses the bands that will be the mark of a covenant between two people. Like God's love, it is a circle, never ending.

My story is a little different. There is a Starbucks on the corner, it is a busy one in little affluent Brookhaven as there is lots of disposable income to spend $4.50 daily on a Venti Non-Fat One Splenda Latte and the parking lot and inside are always full.

On my way to my Small Group Bible study on Wednesday's, I usually drive through and order a tall coffee of the day and say hello to Ruth, the cashier that seems always to be standing in the window greeting me with the biggest smile I have ever seen. She always asks about Maggie and if I am on my way to Bible study. I like our little connection. I love her genuine smile, I love her simplistic warmth and good nature.

Friday night I stopped in to have a little something and to write emails to friends before heading home to bed and sure enough, she was there and we met standing, instead of me in the car. She immediately grabbed my hand and squeezed it before feeling my ring and pulling back to remark on it. "oooh, is that from Tiffany?" "I have wanted that ring for a while and I am trying to save up enough money to buy it." I let her try mine on and she remarked how soft the mesh was on the ring.
My order was ready and I proceeded to take my seat and type and reflect on really how lucky and blessed I am in my life. The ring that was one of my favorites was not such a big deal to me. I did not have to save up to buy it, I did not dream of owning it a year before I bought it. But she did...

In that moment it was impressed upon my heart that I was to share my gift with Ruth. That she was to have my ring, my favorite - that she was to experience the joy of receiving from the heart. I have never felt more peace than the moment I removed that ring and walked up to her with a smile and told her it was her turn to enjoy it.

She looked stunned and then started to cry and she hugged me and thanked me over and over again. I told her to pay it forward to someone in her life and how much seeing her has meant to me over the past year and what pleasure I took in sharing this symbol with her.

As I left to go home I realized that God had worked through me in the giving and receiving of the ring. It was God's way of making a covenant with Ruth. I was so happy to be the deliverer of the message!

Happy Monday everyone.
Mellissa

There Are Times

There are so many days I think about you and hope for you and ask for you before even myself. Sometimes when you have no idea, I am thinking of you and wanting your circle to be complete.

There are so many moments since I met you that your love for me penetrates the exterior frivolities of my day and I am thankful, silently that you are with me. Sometimes you have no idea that you are such a big part of me.
There are so many times that your words guide and give comfort and healing to me, love steeped in logic and care. Sometimes you don't know that I repeat those words to myself when I am unsure.

There are so many things that I want to thank you for that you don't know you have given to me. Sometimes I try to show you my thanks with a hug or a squeeze of your hand.

Kerri, thank you for all that you are and all that you give. This is my sometime to let you know that I love you - dearest friend.

Keep It Behind Your Teeth

I can't stand it when women act sullen, snappy, guarded and withdrawn and expect it to just be o.k. because when asked if they are o.k. they say "I have PMS" and expect that to be a Get Out Of Jail Free card to continue on with negative behavior.

Ladies, let me tell you something. I perfectly understand the PMS thing and I get in a bad mood from time to time myself. However, if I am a big pill, I stay at home if possible, I eat chocolate, wear my comfy clothes and wait for the storm to pass as it always does. I don't go around with my 'tude on my shoulder and just expect folks to play along because my estrogen is wobbly.

If you are in a wicked mood and can't concentrate on what someone is saying, put your caveat out there early and say - "my concentration is for crap", "what did you say?" instead of being hateful and snapping at someone because you weren't really paying attention to the conversation. Your lack of interest is what is going on around you, being said around you is not everyone else's' fault, or because they can't speak your language or have suddenly become stupid and a bad communicator. It is because you have estrogen stuck in your ears.

My advice, and I can TOTALLY say this because I am a girl. Go home and take some Midol, drink a glass of wine and watch a chick flick - and hibernate till your winter passes and then come on back out to play....

Don't just don your PMS shield and go out to assault the rest of the unsuspecting. Being rude is being rude plain and simple. Life is complicated enough for all of us, and no one needs to add your minefield to walk in.

Ladies, sometimes you just have to put your big girl panties on and DEAL with it.

Bug

Happy Easter Vladimir

This is my buddy Vlad - he is just the nicest person you would ever want to meet. He is the ultimate gentleman, the classic old-school elegant man in both action and words.

Yesterday was Orthodox Easter and to celebrate this, Vlad and I had dinner together and spent some time catching up. It could not have been a more perfect evening with great weather, wonderful company and good food.

Oh yeah, since Vlad is an architect, he was showing me his new Le Courbusier chaise lounge.....made of PONY HAIR ;-) He is SO European. Gotta love that!!

Happy Easter Vladimir - and thank you for our wonderful friendship these past three years!!

xoxo,
Bug

Not Ready

You see, I logged on and clicked that button that said “Re-activate” and off I went. 503 viewings, endless “winks” and mindless emails. Everyone the same – I am amazing, I sound “terrific” “what does a guy have to do…” blah, blah, BLAH!!!

As I typed in a name, that I would recognize, I recoiled for the first time in my life, I literally pulled back and a gasp escaped my throat as I saw the photograph there. It hurt a lot but I swallowed hard and said “Lord, I trust YOU above all for what is best for me.” I kept repeating that for the rest of the day when I felt down, and honestly, a few times today as well.

I went back to that site today and canceled my membership. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be looked at like a book on Amazon.com I don’t want silly emails to read or even want to respond for that matter.

You see, I met someone that I really cared for. I was falling in love with this person – albeit it was in the Limerance phase of it – it was pretty special to me. So that being said, I am going to stay solo. I am not moving to NEXT as would be so easy to do to mask everything.

I prayed a lot over Easter and I have to accept and to live that I trust God above ALL else for what I need in my life. I don’t need praise from men, I don’t need attention, I just need to be and I need to wait and to listen.

I, like all of the rest of us, just want to be loved and to love in return. I want to matter to someone at the end of a long day. I want to share my life laughing and caring and nesting and sharing and cooking and hugging and listening to old songs that make you crack up and remember “when”.

I have been through two breakups in five months and that is enough for anyone to pull in and pull back. I will just wait at the shoreline and watch the tide roll in (thanks for that one Mom) and hope that one day, I will receive the message in that little bottle. The message just for me – I hope it will say – “Thank you for waiting for me…I am here now.”

I still can’t help but dream a little that the signature on that note will be from….you. I wish I could have said we could be friends, I wish I could believe that that would work. But I don’t want to be just your friend, although that was very special, and something I am missing very much.

So Many Things

There is a warm towel, fresh from the dryer underneath me, it is my warmth on this drizzly day, a hug of cotton.

There is classical music playing on my stereo – Water Music by Handel, it is soothing and appropriate to the weather.

There is a little cocker spaniel exploring the small garden space I have next to my patio, she loves the smell of geraniums – and sage.

There is a load of laundry spinning in the dryer, the vent to the outside is creating a wonderful, clean fragrance out to my patio, where I sit.

There are thoughts of you. Not that I meant to wake with them – but I saw your name, written on a plastic cup – the kind of mark you leave on something that is yours and you want everyone to know.

There is an espresso on the table with caramel creme on the top and a little sugar in the bottom.

There are raindrops, little tiny ones wetting my hair and my eyelashes. They seem to be the tears that I cannot shed anymore.

There are red cushions that need to be brought inside the house to dry and candles floating in their holders.

There are thoughts what next in my life that need to be tended. Time to move away perhaps, time for a new start somewhere else. Those thoughts are followed by how much I love this garden city that I live in, how much I love my town. I will stay here….it is my home.

There are Thoughts of Laurel – a wonderful friend in Kansas who I am connected with in some way and will send a surprise to on Monday.

There are sounds of cars passing by on wet roads on their way to errands or visits with friends and family. The hum of the air conditioner drowns them out somewhat.

There are photographs to be put in albums and cards to write to friends.

There is a thought of some visitors to my blog – Yellow Knife, Canada and Suwanee, Georgia……I think I know who you are. Welcome and I hope you know that I am a good person, I am a lot like you.

There is a life to be tended to – I will move inside out of the rain and get started.

Wishing you all a wonderful Saturday.

UGH

Well, it is official - I have re-claimed my title as "Queen of the three month relationship." I am humming that song by the Rolling Stones..

You can't always get what you want - but if you try sometime, you just might find...that you get what you neeeeeed.... I didn't and just had to pull the plug. Either a man wants to shout about you or stand in a comfy spot. I am all about shoutin' these days.

But hey, I got laughter restored to my life and a chin up attitude from a really great guy. No tears this time around. No regrets. I just don't have it in me anymore. I have become comfortably numb.

No damage done this time. I just have to remind myself to stop dreaming so much ;)

Take Me Out....To the Ballgame

Well, I pulled it off without a hitch! It was a great evening starting with dinner at Windows, great Infield Dugout seats for the BlueJays v. Yankee's game and a follow-on at an oh-so-Canadian joint called the Loose Moose....eh??!!

I have to tell you that my boss (upper left corner) is the coolest - I have known him since 1999 and think the world of him. His boss is pretty cool too - upper right corner blue shirt.

I will tell you one thing....those Canadians are awesome people. I might just move myself up to Toronto to work.....

My day yesterday ran from 5 a.m. till 1 a.m. and I was up again today at 5 a.m to get ready to meet my driver at 6:30 for the airport and flight home. Working in the office till 6:30 p.m. just about killed me, so I am off to bed to catch up on some sleep.

Based on the emails I got today from the 120 employees, everyone had a great time - and arrived to work today quite hungover (oops...) and let me tell you if you can get a Canadian hung over, you have well done your job!

Night!

Bug

Sleepless In Toronto

Hey all, I am in Canada for work and it is waay to early to be up, but I just can't get back to sleep.

I have come up to run a meeting and to take our employees to Roger's Centre to have dinner and to see the Toronto BlueJays v. New York Yankees. Should be a lot of fun. Last time I was up here was to go bowling with them ;-) FUN!

They have Black Squirrels that look like baby cats. I stopped into Starbucks for my coffee and muffin and sat on a bench sharing with big fat pigeons and that squirrel - you know, he was almost animated. It was like he had a personality from a cartoon when you were little - but come to life. It was hard to not reach down to pet him (I KNOW I didn't).

Well, it is 6:13 a.m. and I am sitting at my desk chair with my feet on the window looking out ahead. I loved this view with the moon peeking around the corner at me - such a flirt.

Well, I am headed off to shower and get ready for an incredibly long day. I hope you all will have a wonderful day.

When you FEEL

What is it when you feel?

What makes it so powerful that your emotion becomes a physical presence inside of your soul? Do you know this feeling? The one that makes you feel your spirit?

I am sitting outside at my patio table and I am listening to music and I am feeling - so many things for so many people. I am soft today, I am reflective, I am tentative and emotional.

Pascale - I miss you so much. Our talk brought me back to the place where our friendship was meant to be. If I could get on a plane tonight, I would be in Zurich with you tomorrow having a coffee and a chat in a chic little resto. We would keep smiling at each other and squeezing each other's hand and saying all the things that we have missed by being away from each other for so long.

Kerri - There are so many things I want to share with you. You are my comfy sweatshirt, my friend that is so accepting of me just as I am. I am so glad we are close by. I know we will love each other for the rest of our lives. You are such a special woman to me.

Angie - Hearing the joy returned to your voice and feeling your energy again has been the Hallmark of my week. I have thought of you and prayed for you so many times over the last month. I can't wait for Mexico together in 29 days. You have the most giving heart of anyone I have ever met.

Life - I want to embrace you and have the joys and adventures that are awaiting. I want to continue to dream big dreams and wake with a smile to greet you each day. You give me 24 hours to fulfill my dreams each day. I am lucky - I love my life.

Mom - For just loving me the way I am. For raising me with the belief in my own goodness and strength, for teaching me how to love and care for others and how to be selfless. You are the woman of my life. You are the benchmark and my measuring stick. I appreciate you so very much. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for all the gifts you gave to me. Thank you for being the essence of who I am now.

I wish you all a wonderful day ahead.

Good Friday

It is Good Friday - it is the beginning of a sacred, holy weekend and I wanted to wish you all the very best.

I wish that I had a family of my own to share this with, I wish I had the joy of shopping for Easter dresses and white patent shoes for a daughter. I wish I could have made a basket and hidden eggs and had a big dinner of Ham and all the trimmings.

I wish so much that I had a family of my own to share my love of Christ with. I long to sit alongside them in a pew, to teach them the love that was taught to me. Holiday's of all types are hard for me these days because it reminds me a little of what I don't have. It reminds me of what I wanted so much.

I am meeting my girlfriends for Good Friday services, and I am going to pray about it, and be thankful for the many things that I have, for the many blessings around me. Christ's love for me and the understanding that I am a part of his family is the thing I cling to.

But I sure do wish I had a chocolate bunny to nibble on and some hard boiled eggs to share with babies that looked like me - and him....

xoxo,
Bug

There is a fair haired Swiss girl whom I think the world of! Her name is Pascale and she lives in Switzerland. I wanted to introduce you to her and tell you a little about us.

We met three and a half years ago via video conference and hated each other instantly! I thought she was arrogant and she thought the same thing about me. Somehow as we got to know each other better we began a friendship that time and miles cannot break. We are so much alike even though we could not be more different.

She is the blond-haired, blue-eyed European and I am the dark-haired, brown-eyed American girl - Rose Red and Snow White! Yet this person has become a mile marker and beacon in my life and spending time with her, whether celebrating the New Year together in Paris or just catching up on the telephone in our weekly chats is one of the bright spots in my world.

So, I wanted to tell you about her and share my thoughts about her publicly. I love you Pascale.

Mellissa

No Limit On Time

There is no time limit on this. There is not an expiration date on happiness. Five months is my wound speaking out loud.

There is no definition that can create the proper image for what is happening here - for me. There are no words, there are no sentences - there is just an unmistakable feeling of peace and joy and fellowship.

There is no marker for peace I tell myself. There is no equator for emotion - it will mark the life or it will not. It cannot be made more definite than that.

Sixty days more will not be enough of you, two months will not magic make. For you see, it is in the every day, the every moment, the every smile, the every touch I share with you. There is no isthmus for that. It just simply is for me.

And that is simply everything. I love what we have together. I love where we are. I love the moments and my greatest wish is that those moments weave into seasons - still laughing, still talking, and still loving the feeling of being the hand inside of yours.

No one makes me feel the way you do. There is no time limit on that. No more discussions, no more leading the way. I am here, I am happy, and you are the reason for that. No time limits - no limits at all. Freedom in love and freedom of choice are the best parts of life.

Spending Time

Life really is in the little things isn't it? It is the people you love, the places you travel and the memories that sustain.

It is a dinner out with the new man in your life, it is rubbing noses with your Sunday School girl, it is watching Maggie look for her Chipmonk, it is art that makes you smile, it is walking the shoreline with with your family, it is watching your mother be a grandmother, it is girlfriends laughing and scheming, it is traveling to see my mom with Maggie sleeping on my lap....

This post is for nothing really, other than for me to look back at the photographs that comprise a part of my life.

It is a reminder that I can trust in something. I can believe in the goodness of people, I am loved - and love in return. That is a nice reminder.
Bug

Nesting

I am home again and content about being near all of my things. I still miss that man in the country, but it is so decadent to go into my bathroom and open a drawer of "girlie goods".

I went to the grocery store to re-stock the shelves in my house and could not help the urge to prepare a menu in my head and shop accordingly.

This week, in between working and working out, I will have:

Potato Leek Soup with a Baby Field Green Salad
Pepper Bacon and Stilton Bleu Cheese Quiche
Spinach Salad with fresh Strawberry vinaigrette, asparagus and grilled fillet mignon

I would have prepped for more good, fresh home cooking - but there is a wedding this weekend that I am so happy to be attending - as a date....so looks like Saturday will have a sweet dessert in the mix....and a world of hope being promised.

Well, it is off to spinning class now - and then home to bake Banana bread just for the great smell it brings to the house.

xoxo,
Ladybug

Special

That is what my Sunday school children are. They are special. I am a lucky lady indeed to spend that little bit of time with them.

Emma, Sebastian, Wilson, Jordan, & Dante. We talked today about the Last Supper and Emma said she thought it must have been like Thanksgiving. I loved that - so simple was the correlation in her mind.

When we went into our theater production message for the week, Emma looked up at me and asked "Miss Mellissa, what is sin" - After I gave her the simple answer she needed to connect the dots about why Jesus died for our "sins", I just held her for a moment. She is so tiny and her hair is like silk. As we said our little prayer together, I could not help but inhale her sweetness.

Wilson lost his front tooth and Sebastian lost his two lower teeth - they were proud of this first step towards becoming "grown-ups" and we had a talk about teeth and how they are important in making smiles (in their case, little toothy/toothless grins).

Jordan was shy and I loved singing and dancing with him, watching him grow comfortable in our group and asking if he came back to see me next week if I would help him make another paper airplane. He is beautiful and a little timid.....we'll fix that.

Dante's shoes came untied and as I re-tied one, Wilson offered to help tie the other. We learned about supporting each other as friends through discussing that small action of helpfulness. Wilson beamed because he was being a true friend.

These children amaze me each and every week. It makes me dream of having my own one day. I cannot imagine the joy of holding your own child and feeling that wonderment. Those of you with children, take a little extra time today to tell them they are special. Tell them they are beautiful and smart and how lucky you are to be with them each day.

Happy Sunday to you all!

Ladybug

What We Don't See

I just finished writing an email to a friend and fellow Blogger whom I think quite a lot of. Reading their words really caused me to stop for a moment and think about what we don't see in people.

We rush through our days, so busy...on to the next item on our list. When we meet people, we are so busy and just take them at face presentation. Rarely do we take the time to look deeper, to pause for a moment and take in the fullness of the person.

So many Bloggers and friends have reached out to me with stories from their personal lives that have changed me forever - you have changed me and left an imprint on my heart.

Last year when I started Blogging, I had no idea of the valuable relationships I would form with a group of wonderful people.

Even though we have never met, I want each of you that I correspond with to know how much your words of encouragement have meant to me, and how much showing me what most people don't get to see has changed my life.

It has made me more aware, more tender in my heart to my friends, and more available to look past the persona of someone into the person.

For those of you who read this and know what I mean....thank you for entrusting a part of yourselves with me. Thank you for the friendship, and thank you for shaping my heart. Thank you for trusting your personal stories with me and for reminding me of "What we don't see" in others.

For those of you who read here, I hope that you too will take a moment this week and be there for someone else. We cannot imagine what is going on with the person next to us, their smile might just be hiding a world of pain.

Let's all be still for a moment and really begin to absorb what is all around us. Be emotionally safe for someone, be a pillar of strength, be a calm and safe spot in a crazy world.

Love,
Mellissa

Friends

These are my two best friends Angela and Kerri. They are amazing and fun and lovely. This weekend will be about celebrating my friendships and nurturing my life a little here in the city.

You see, my garden needed tending, and my mind needed clarity and my heart needed to laugh and spend time and show these women how much I love them, not to mention how much I have missed them and our crazy times.

Ladies - lots of plans were made for the weekend and I am excited. The weather should be great for a day in Piedmont Park having fun and eating Oysters and Crawfish (Angie is from Louisiana) and an evening in a cute Crescent City Cafe ;-) Sunday movie and massage day at the spa is just going to be bliss out and laughing the hours away will be the cherry on my sundae!!

You guys are just the best.....and Jamie, not to leave you out in any way....I will see you today at LUNCH!!

xoxo,
Mel

Celtic Woman

On April 11th I will be in for a very special treat. As you all know, I really love live music and concerts so to discover that Celtic Woman was going to play at the Fox Theater in Atlanta was a no-brainer. It was especially great timing as Jim and I had just been discussing the fact that he saw a program about them on Saturday night.

So, tickets purchased and now just waiting. If you have never heard them, clink the link and have a listen. They are certainly Irish Angels come down for our mortal entertainment ;-)

I am so happy to live in a city like Atlanta where there is so much to offer culturally.....and so many trees and flowers to soothe us along in our days.

Hmmm

If you are driving in the car with your 12 year old daughter and she says "Dad, your such a player", do not repeat that into the phone to the woman you are dating o.k.

If you are looking at baby clothes in a store and you're oohing and ahhing and your mother skips you completely and says to your 17 year old niece that one day we will be picking out clothes for her children just like we did for her....um, it is o.k. to get a little miffed and do the "what about ME" whine.

If it is 7:49 a.m. and you are still sitting on the bed in your pajama's drinking coffee and blogging....get off your BUTT and get in the shower....

Off to start my day!!

Bug

p.s. SK, I am thinking of you today! All will be well!!

Here's To Great Evenings

Saturday night in Atlanta, what a great evening. I had the opportunity to meet some of Jim's family and friends this weekend - what great people. I don't think I have laughed so much in my life.

We had dinner together at One Midtown Kitchen, followed by some salsa dancing at Loca Luna and sleep did not find us until 4 a.m.!!

Here are some other random photographs from the evening as well.

The Upper Hand

I hate it when I think someone has the upper hand on me. I don't like feeling vulnerable to another person. It is something that gets on my skin like poison oak and feels runny and infected. I feel cleaner on my own.

Control has long been an issue with me. I want to relax, to submit to the will of the other person, to be giving and selfless - but then the upper hand thing starts. I feel the imbalance of superiority in the words and actions of the other person and I become like a porcupine again, bristling in defense so you can get near me.

I am discovering my love/hate relationship with new. I prefer old - tried and true. The sweatshirt you reach for time and time again. Not only when it is cold outside, but also the times when you just need something soft and fluffy to swaddle you. I know that even old favorites were new at one time - I just wish I didn't have so many new things all at once in my life, new job, new life, new man. I long for someone who just knows me without a lot of explanation. I dread walking through the minefield of new relationships.

The vulnerability I feel makes me more reactive and don't even ask me about the whole "new" way of dating online and why men tend to keep logging on to see "what else" is out there. Call me old fashioned, but volume in dating is easy, true connection is not. I could have a date every night of the week if I just wanted to keep looking for next. See, I chose to go with the connection and now am truly exposed and scared to death - wanting to just run away from the potential of hurt in my life that I have no room for.

I long for the days when I just knew! I was too young to not know any better. My heart was fresh and had not been bounced around and dented. I was just loved and open and free to speak without thinking too much.
Everything was lighter. I was lighter.

Closing Doors / Opening Windows

In our relationships with each other we sometimes face a "closed" door.  We seldom question why it is closed to us, choosing instead to go around and break a window to get in. To make sure we have our say or impose our ideals.

We must remember that personal space is of the utmost importance. Catharsis and healing sometimes needs to happen alone. The words and exchanges need a break and to be held in trust just for each other for when the timing is right. 

I believe that we have all wronged or have been wronged by another.  Sometimes without even knowing it. 

If the door is closed, be patient don't just go straight to the window and break the glass before checking to see if the door is really locked? Just lift the handle, if it resists, it could be because no one has tried opening it in a long time.  No need to cause damage, just push a little and see if it budges.  If it does, give a little knock and maybe have some flowers in your hand.....and an I'm sorry on your lips.

A Sheltering Tree

I heard recently that friendship is like a sheltering tree. What a beautiful image that is! Can you visualize the tree that is you in friendship?

I want to be one of those large oak trees that sit in the middle of an expanse of grassy field filled with flowers, the tree that makes you want to take off your shoes and make your way to it on a summer day.

I want the branches of my friendship to extend far beyond my trunk, offering shade during the hottest parts of the day, knowing my roots are deep enough to support me, and in turn, them.

If friendship is like a sheltering tree. Who's branches do you take rest under? Who takes rest under yours? I hope this will cause you to reach out to a friend today, perhaps someone that you haven't been there for as much as you should have, or someone who you have hurt by careless words or action.

I know who I am calling right now, and she is really an important woman in my life whom I miss very much.

Mellissa

A New Day

Good morning everyone,

I am sitting in the middle of the bed finishing my coffee and avoiding the day for as long as possible - Maggie is curled up at my feet in a little circle that makes her look like a cat - sleeping soundly.

All is quiet in the house except for the clickety clack of my fingernails on the keyboard and the hum of the computer across the room. I was just watching the light change out the window and thinking, like you all know I do too much sometimes, when the sweetest fragrance wrapped around me, coming from my shoulder or my neck, or perhaps my cheek. It is his fragrance, the small bit of him that he leaves behind from the morning embraces he gives me many times before heading out the door for work.

You see, he lingers on my hands from holding, my lips from kissing, my spirit from laughing and my heart from beginning to feel something.....something that I can't put my finger on. I remember when we first began dating he would call and say that he could still smell me on his clothes, that I lingered on him. Now it is he that lingers on me.

Yesterday I painted his guest bathroom and fixed it the way he has been wanting it for who knows how long, and it was such a pleasure to do - as a way to repay him, to thank him for reminding me that it IS a new day - and this IS a new beginning. He starts and ends each of my days with so much care and happiness and laughter.

I can honestly tell you all that I haven't been this happy and content in over 4 years and I haven't laughed this much since I don't know when. It's a new day today -and I am going to share it with someone really special, someone that is lingering on me.

Love,
Ladybug

Coming Home

Good morning,

It is Sunday at 7:30 a.m. and I am sitting on my bed in our villa at Callaway Gardens in Pine Mountain, Georgia.

There is so much on my mind and in my heart lately and I came to this retreat with my girlfriends to take joy, ride bikes and try to just be - and enjoy the company of over 400 other women who love the Lord as much as I do.

The familiar theme of letting go and casting burdens was discussed again - looks like I cannot escape that one as God is reaching out to me in a lot of places with this message. It makes me laugh at the you can run but not hide attage.

I have some homework to do, but I am trying to be faithful to my course and to remember what is real in my life and what is the truth that was placed in front of me.

Wow

I have so many things bunking around up in my head - so I am just going to write a lot of words in an effort to let it go and move on with my day.

I miss you.
Women are complicated in a group.
Angie is sad.
I don't have to like everyone.
You are an immature and false.
Life is beautiful.
People see right through you.
I am in a beautiful place.
How long before she sees that side?
I am missing pieces.
I wonder about us.
I daydream about you.
I wish the comments would stop.
I am not reaching out.
Your words hurt me, they hurt.
But your words seen (and unseen) are truth.
I am lucky.
God is gracious.
I am growing in him each day.
He is my strength.
I love the light of him in me.
I am human.
Can you see me for me?
Please let go and be real.
Thank you all for the emails you sent me - WOW.
This life is a blessing.
Remember to pray and reflect.
Be genuine.
Don't leave.
Let others have their story.
Tell me your story and I will tell you mine.
Pray for me.
I am looking in your direction.
You have the most beautiful upper lip.
I love the way you hold me.
I am wishing for Spring after a long Winter.
I love who I am, warts and all.
I am happy to know who I am.
I will slow down and walk beside you.
I love your tea - the best!
I want to let God use me.
I am greatful and thinking of Karen ;-)
Life matters more because of you.
I am going home today.
God is going with me.

Thanks for reading along. Time for a shower and the rest of my day.

Mellissa

Perpetual Victim

Why is it that some people play the perpetual victim? Is it easier to point fingers at everyone around you, or to just sit down, point the finger at yourself and say "I am responsible for this".

If your history repeats itself time and time again, perhaps you need to look at the source of the problem. If you see that you are the common denominator, take steps to be accountable for that and be honest with yourself and others.

I think it is so easy to say "they" did this to me or "they" caused me to be broken, etc. This works well on strangers and the unsuspecting - for a while. Then it all catches up with you as people connect the dots that spell out "Perpetual Victim" and shake their heads.

I am so glad that I can say I made some bad choices, that I own. No one "did" this to me. I did it to myself. No one needs to come and rescue me from my burning house. I am strong, and able to walk away from that fire using my own strength and health. I am not a victim. I am a survivor.

So no more gushy posts about my past or looking backwards. If you could see the amazing view before me you would understand why.

Inventory taken, closets and drawers cleaned - and I am in a good space. Have a great weekend everyone and I will see you back next week!

Mellissa

Just Being

It did not have to be anything, yet it was. It was just being - it was not re-hashing, it was not evaluating it was not creating a paradigm for the future.

It was just needing to touch and to hold and to have dinner and be first person singular. I think that it was mutual consent at its finest.

Now it is onwards. I don't know where from here - but God promises us another day of hope and learning. I know I have gained a better understanding of life, and myself, and others. We all dream and walk at different paces. I am just glad we meet up at checkpoints along the way.

Thank you all for the love and care you give!!

Mellissa

Simplicity

That is what it is. There is no second-guessing with us. The words just move to and from with no infraction or investigation of inflection. It is just so simple don't you think.

Last night you used the "g" word, but I don't think you noticed it slip out. It was the last thing I thought of as I pulled the blanket up closer and drifted off to sleep. It was just simplicity.

Sort of like life in the country....so close to town, yet a world away from that glaring bright light. I came here for simplicity and rest and happiness.....thank you for letting me stay awhile.