Blurred Words

There are times in life when the words are blurred. We spend our lives slightly out of focus; not seeing what is really important in our hearts and in our lives until our lines become crossed and we don’t know who we are anymore.

In all honestly, that blur has represented the last three years of my life, and more so if I were honest about how long my vision was off.

I am on an airplane to Canada right now, and my thoughts are once again on Lance and my relationship with him. I think about where we are headed and where we have been together. I wonder how much we each really see each other and how much we blur the lines to see what we want or to have an indistinguishable picture in our minds eye.

The most precious parts of this year have been the parts of the year that expressed my freedom, and who I am as a 37 year old woman. Part of me is extremely proud of myself and then there are others that represent my shame in actions, my lack of follow-through and my fear of being alone and never again having “family” – maybe this is making me blur my lines. I sincerely hope not, but I think underneath this eternal optimist is a little scared pessimist. That is the part of myself that I loathe in the quiet moments of my life.

When I examine my life I come up with a split between these two facets of my personality and that is the point of my writing and reflecting today. I exchanged email the past couple of weeks with my ex-husband. They were in typical fashion. Mine long and wordy with lots of exclamation points made like confetti to give credence to my points or to indicate my excitement about what I was conveying. The words were still loving; still written to nurture and to encourage. His replies were the same also. The same as they had always been. Abbreviated and to the point, no hints of love lost, no bits of remorse hidden in the lines or woven into the paragraph. Still I am grateful and blessed to have had the exchange with him. It is the part of my life that haunts me to this day. It is the hole in my heart that even though healing nicely will leave a weak spot forever, so the times we connect and affirm that we indeed, were real is healing for me. The most difficult part of a divorce is pretending that the person never existed at all. That is the impossible feat for me. It is my Everest. I cannot pretend that Edward was a dream I had long ago.

Things in my life are progressing though and I am happy overall. There is, of course, a small semblance of sadness that tinges the corners of my life and I am learning that they are a part of life, not an exception or an abnormality.

This is all a part of the fabric of life. It is natural. It is fine.

A Quiet Interlude

Sunday morning is here and slipping quietly by as I sit at my desk and watch the last of the leaves roll by with each gust of wind. Maggie is curled up on my desktop sleeping soundly on her quilt and Dave Koz is playing on the stereo, ushering in the holiday season in a way that is peaceful and reflective.

I have been thinking of this past year, thinking about my life and my blessings - and there are so many. It is funny when I take time to reflect on the past eleven months, I am humbled by my blessings and my life.

While my existence is ordinary, just like everyone elses, the reflections of today make them seem extraordinary. I wanted to share a little with you in reflection.

January - a new job full of promise, a new relationship filled with laughter and adventure friendships that were secure.

February - Valentine's Day flowers, a wonderful trip to Charleston for the weekend, great wine, bundled up in a coat walking the banks of the river, dreaming again. A trip to Jamaica to warm in the sun, to spend the days on the beach and continue dreaming and laughing. A Jamaican man who called my "Beautiful Lady" each time I saw him. Pink champagne, cute sandals and ace card games at night.

March - Germany, France, Africa. Strolling the streets of Paris in the wee hours of the morning. Listening to music at Hotel Costes, dancing at Barrio Latino, shopping for antiques. Africa for the weekend, Marrakech and Casablanca - mint tea, ancient walls, orange blossom and cinnamon, Fatima with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Wooden doors carved with care by ancient craftsmen - desert sun and lunches served al fresco.

April - A new relationship, a kindred spirit, Easter flowers and brunches with friends, a sweet puppy growing bigger by the day.

May - Warm days in town, laying in the park on a blanket listing to prose and watching the tops of skyscrapers as clouds passed by on their journey to the unknown. A trip to Hilton Head for more beach time with friends.

June - a difficult month for friendships and relationships, letting go of some things, holding on to others. Growing another year older. A trip to San Antonio and meeting great people. Falling in love again, adoring a special child. Eating great bar-b-q, Texas style. Beautiful Spanish Missions and more warm weather and smiles.

July - family time. A trip to my parents and hiking in the Pisgah forrest. Waterfalls and bannana peels out of the sunroof, sliding down a rock into freezing cold water and lots of laughter. A baseball game with fireworks and jet planes and paratroopers falling from the sky.

August - A new job, returning to those who know me, finding home at work again, renewing old friendships and preparing for a new home.

September - Labor Day in Canada, hot tubs and cold nights with fires lit, a christening, walking under the great night skies and feeling so happy.

October - Dancing again, feeling my feet move and my hips sway and laughter erupting from deep inside me again. Working on making my new home all my own - lots of paint and fabrics and time with my mom doing what we do best - making home!

November - Small group gatherings, new found friendships and comfort in where I am now. Family visits to Atlanta and Thanksgiving in Florida feeling the sun on my face and sand in my toes - while holding my daddy's hand and watching my brother do the same with his daughters. Magic, plain and simple.

December - stay tuned :-)

You see, I don't remember the trials right now, or the sad times. I look back on this year and remember the blessings, the love, the travel, the experiences, the smells and mental images from far away places. I remember all the things that I am blessed with - 2005 has been a great year. What a wonderful life I have.

What a joy it is, and how lucky am I to have had all of this in such short order. I realized today, that I am living my dream. I am happy.

A Family

We are in South Florida at my family home for Thanksgiving.  It is 9:30 a.m. and coffee has been served, breakfast made and the turkey is on! I had the breakfast shift, my sister-in-law is on stuffing, and Nana teaches my niece how to sew using the Singer sewing machine -  the sounds of Tijuana brass is accentuated with the staccato hum of the sewing machine.

 A grandfather reads a book while a son is working out in the yard .

The second niece has found sleep on the top bunk while the aunt finally writes another post before heading over to walk on the beach for a hour or so.

This is our life, this is our Thanksgiving, we are a family, we are joyful, we are loud :-) We are blessed.

I hope your Thanksgiving is equally special and filled with love.

Dancing and Other Joys of Life

Tonight I had my dance class and Andrew and I worked on our Salsa, Rhumba and Waltz. There was a young couple in the studio tonight who were taking their first lesson together. They were preparing for their wedding and wanted to be ready for their first dance as man and wife. So there they were, as stiff and nervous as can be. Really cute but uncomfortable. They were looking at everyone else instead of each other and he was stepping on her toes an awful lot.

The song of choice for them was LeeAnn Rimes "I need you" and I was cracking up as it is really hard to dance the salsa to that music. That is when Andrew and I launched into our Waltz. It was a beautiful, slow one with care given to hand placement and long graceful lines. The instructor stopped the couple and asked them to just watch Andrew and I as we worked the floor and you could see it beginning to make sense to them both. The dance is about grace and companionship and relying on the other person to complete your connection and match your togetherness.

They both were so excited to try again, realizing that this first dance was a reflection, in motion of their commitment to each other. Andrew and I moved on into a little flamenco style dancing and laughing as I told him about the woman in Riverdance and mimicked her style. Twirling and stomping my feet like a Senorita. It was a great evening.

I am so happy to be dancing again. It is truly one of my joy's in life.

Mornings

It is 8:13 a.m. and I am half into my first cup of the day. I feel a little drained today but will forge ahead soon forcing a smile and getting on with it.

My mom was here this weekend and we had a lovely time together even though it was much too short. We went to see Riverdance and I have to tell you, it was sooo amazing to see. There were dancers from Russia and Ireland and Spain and for over 2 hours the Fox Theatre was filled with the sounds of percussion as feet and heels clicked and stomped and created magic. Mother and I had great seats in the Orchestra section because I had to see the feet! That is what Riverdance is all about so down front we had to be! It was a wonderful memory for us both.

I did not go to church yesterday and I feel a little disconnected this morning as a result of it. For many reasons I just thought it better to stay home and get a few things in order so I could pretend for a few more days to have it all together. I took a drive down near the airport and watched some planes fly in and out and dreamed for a minute about where those people were going to and coming from and thought about getting my trip in order to go to Florida for the Thanksgiving holiday.

The afternoon was lazy and I went to a matinee to see the new Meryl Streep / Uma Thurman movie and although it was funny, it was about love and romance and maybe not such a great idea for my viewing right now - but Meryl Streep is Meryl Streep right!

Dinner last night was some crackers with cheese and a pear and surfing around on the internet and then watching back to back episodes of My Fair Brady on VH1 (I am sooo gay) before chatting a bit on line with 30Something and then falling asleep on top of the covers.

I awoke this morning to a phone call from my boss who was in a panic and I started phone jockey service before even the first cup of coffee which did not start me out on the right foot!!


Now I am one cup down and much more awake. I am sitting outside with Maggie, the birds are singing, welcoming the morning sun and I am surrounded by the most beautiful colors. Everywhere there are shades of orange, red, yellow and ochre. God gives us such a beautiful memory just before Winter. It reminds me that even the end of something can be beautiful and remembered for its vivid colors and soothing sounds. Winter is ahead, and Spring will follow it. Just like life, hope is hiding inside during the Winter months waiting for the renewal of Spring.

It is a beautiful thing! Good morning everyone, and I hope your day will be filled with many great things! Be well!

Two Faces of Eve

When I was a little girl, I can remember wondering what I would look like when I was "all grown up". I wondered how my face would be as I aged and what my style would be.

It is funny because tonight I realized that I am all grown up now. This is my woman's face. There are no hints of youth anymore, no baby fat to hide the lines that are forming around my eyes. Three years ago I looked different, but time goes by for each of us. There is no Botox to hide what my eyes have squinted at for 37 years. So this is it. The second half of the play and I am the grown up now.

There are two distinct looks that I carry. One is for my work (or as Lance like to call it - my librarian look) and one is for my everyday. It is funny as I look at them both side by side, because they also mirror my personality. I am a Gemini and there are two distinct sides of me. One is bold and sophisticated and comfortable in board rooms, opera houses and five star restaurants (Ladybug), and the other loves fleece and jeans and eating bar-b-que and listening to country music (Silver Comet Girl).

So as I sit here tonight and reflect on who I have grown up to be, I embrace both sides and realize that I don't have to change that to be one or the other. They are both just me, and that is a nice place to find myself in the beginning of life's second act. I finally got to see "her" face and I found out that I am just what I imagined.

Saturday

My mom is here and we are enjoying a cup of coffee before heading out for a day of shopping and lunch and a trip to the Fox Theatre to see Riverdance.

My mom got to go with me to the dance studio last night as Andrew and I danced the Cha-Cha and the Tango and then worked together on learning new steps in the International Rhumba which is much different than the American Rhumba which I normally do.

It was such a treat to have her there and she is the first person in my personal life who has ever seen me dance. I think she was a little surprised and really seemed to have a good time watching Andrew and I and the way we move and execute the dances.

I got a pretty good compliment from Andrew, as we went through a really intense Tango - he said it is my best dance and that made me happy because dancing Tango is my favorite (maybe that is why I put more into it).

All-in-all it was a good day and a nice end to the week.

Off to shower and get ready for the day.

Ladybug

What A Beautiful Day

I have just returned back from lunch - a walking lunch because the weather is so amazingly beautiful. It is nice to be working in the middle of everything so I could walk to the bank for a deposit and then on to SuperTarget to pick up some carpet cleaning supplies followed by drinking an A&W Vanilla Creme soda while making arrangements to re-join my gym with Heather.

Although I hate that it is getting dark at 6:00 p.m., I love the way the sun shines differently at this time of year. There is not one cloud in my visible sky. That is such a gift. I remember a time, not too long ago that lunch did not exist, and I don't mean food. Usually lunch was spent at my desk eating a quick bite from the cafeteria downstairs and trying to make up the time I took away from my office getting the food in the first place. In nine months I went out for lunch maybe 15 times. That is 15 days out of 270.

The other nice thing is that I got whistled at by a construction worker - ha ha!!! Mind you, I did not look over to acknowledge him and there well could have been a Pamela Andersen lookalike behind me, but I think that was just for me - and it made me smile a little on the inside while I seemd oblivious to it on the outside.

Well, back to work.

Ladybug

Almost the End

It is almost the end of the week and now the end of une petit era. I am home enjoying a little cognac before heading off for dinner with my old boss and friend. I have to get myself up for going because it has been a long day, but I am excited to try this new great restaurant in Atlanta called Eugene and to catch up on what has been going on since I saw D. last.

My mom is coming into town tomorrow and it could not be a better time for a family visit. I am taking her to see RiverDance at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta and we are going to have a girl weekend together, shopping having lunch and being together. Last weekend was her birthday so we are going to celebrate. She is a lovely woman - a true gem.

I hope you all are having a wonderful week as well!

LB

Dancing

Last night I returned to my dancing just like I wrote about a few posts below. I had done a couple of group classes in the weeks prior but this was my first engaged dancing session with my partner Andrew who moves like a snake. I swear he has no bones, just all rhythm-filled cartilage. As we worked through the cha chacha again, it was nice to feel my body remember the dance and my confidence grow with each step, each turn and each series of three-step cha cha cha's.

I have a long way back to where I was before I stopped dancing, but I am thrilled that my mind/body connection was still there for the basic moves. Now I just have to get back in touch with feeling the way the dance requires you to see yourself....that will be much harder for me - but I am determined to brush the cobwebs away and feel all the wonders of being a woman again. Trust me, you can't see yourself as frumpy and move the way you need to interpret the dance.

Friday night we are at it again, this time re-working me into Rhumba, a slow rhythmic dance that is about seduction and graceful lines. That ought to be good for a laugh on my part......

I have not been writing for a week or so just to have a break. I have not been as focused on writing what I think as much as I have on just having time to THINK, to plan and to execute on things that have been left to linger far too long. It feels good to be in that place and I am even having a hard time getting through writing this post.

I did, however, write this for Peter, because I don't want him to cry :-)

Take care,

Ladybug

Chez Vous - Chez Moi - Encore

I have not been to see you since April. It is time to go - I can feel it.

I need culture and to feed the parts of me that I love. I need Vivaldi at midnight and steak tartar and a great bottle of Cotes Du Sud and conversation on the impressionists. I need to walk your streets, the ones am so very familiar with - like my own neighborhood - and just feel you again.

I need Petrusse and a Metro schedule and an umbrella in my bag for the moments that you blow kisses of rain and a bit of fall wind in my direction.

I need to walk St. Germain and go to my favorite shop for soap and a visit with the owner of the shop who knows just what I like. I need to wake up early and wander the streets of Le Marais - my favorite - and visit a boulangiere for a fresh baguette and butter to tuck into my bag as I make my way along the Seine towards Notre Dame.

I walk through you now as an old friend, not a visitor. You are not a stranger to me or a distant pen pal. We have a connection you and I. It was in your parks that I felt again. I miss you and will see you soon - it is time for our Fall reunion.

Je vous aime la belle ville - jusque-là !

They Flew

It was twilight and I heard the familiar sound. One that meant something to me from my past. A sound that signals the arrival of Fall and the beginning of change. A reminder that life is seasonal and in motion.

They flew in order, with grace, in song, in community - they are leaving together heading to a warmer place for a while. In formation the squadrons flew over our heads as we stood with necks back and eyes looking up to the coming night sky. They sang out in greeting, and tears filled my eyes. They were tears of healing, tears of letting go, and tears of emotion for the one I walked beside and love so dearly now.

For many years I have watched these beautiful creatures with a sense of awe and respect for the beauty and the grace in which they ride the wind - always pointing North - always in return home.

Yesterday, for the first time I witnessed them in the beginning of the journey South - A reminder that life changes and the way we witness events must change as well. I am in Canada today, I am looking in a new direction. My compass has found my true North. I am blessed. I am humbled. I am loved.

Last Night

Tonight is my last night in my old house - and although I am really happy about that, I am also dreading tomorrow with the move and all.

Lance is flying and Maggie really isn't helping me any - and I am not at my healthiest or most motivated. Nice combination.

But, I will get it all done - before the mover's arrive tomorrow - and I can start unpacking everything again tomorrow afternoon. Oh, and I need a drill.....

Did that sound like complaining....SORRY!!!

M

Why?

I went out to lunch today to run some errands and some thoughts wen't through my mind as I made my way up and down the aisles of Target.

1. Why do nurses wear such hideous outfits (scrubs) with like all these shirts with little animals and sayings and smiley faces all over them. Why are they always purple or bright pink or powder blue and a size too big? Now don't get me wrong, I really, really respect what they do, I just don't get the outfit - there was a lady today who had on a top with pink pigs all over it.....where is the dignity in that? I would get it if you worked in a children's hospital, etc. but what I want to know.....

Is - what happened to these "Old school" rockstar nurses who wore white dresses with little buttons at the waist, a cool white cap, and white hose that made their legs look like cream being poured in two lines into their shoes?

Could you imagine Dr. Welby, M.D.'s nurse wearing Pokey the Pig? I think not.

So, nurse ladies out there. Give up the Looney Tunes and tennis shoes - or at least wear solid colors to work. I know it sounds mean, and I don't mean in that way, but you are a trained professional that SAVES LIVES.....do you really need to wear candy canes and pumpkins on your clothes for that seasonal effect.

Thank you... and moving on.


2. Why is it so hard to find the "Original" of a product?

Let's use Tide for example. The old ad says Tide's got what woment want (ha ha)...so, I just wanted to buy Tide, the powder kind, original scent - again OLD SCHOOL - and for those of you who have read my Blog know that I believe in Original scent Tide over all others....anyway, I digress.....I just wanted TIDE - not Springtime Fresh Tide, not Tide with Downy, not Ocean Breeze or Mountain High, or LowSuds Rainfall Tide, or Tide with Febreeze (yes, it is true) or ColdWater Tide or TideFree Tide, or MapleNutCruch Tide - just Tide. The way it used to be.

Remember when we had the market addition of Tide with Bleach and you had two choices? Now you have 13 million but can never find just the original. I won't even go into powder vs. liquid!!! I left without finding TIDE. Ya know, sometimes "What Women Want" - is just the Original (and not just with laundry soap)!!!!!

Thanks for listening,

Mellissa
(Retro Fan)

The Answers

The Answers
10 years ago- I was 27 years old, and lived in San Francisco with my ex-husband Ted. We lived just north of the city and I worked downtown on Battery Street as a project manager for an engineering firm, closing military bases for the Clinton administration. The projects that I worked for with the Army Corps of Engineers included Fort Ord, Fort Hunter Ligget, Fort Point Naval Shipyard and my proudest accomplishment - The Presidio (we turned it from military quarters into parks and greenspace with a public golf course for the people of San Francisco). I was young and idealistic and loved my job and the people I worked with. That same year my husband, who was a HazMat specialist in the Coast Guard was seriously injured while on an assignment and our world turned upside down, causing him to retire from doing what he loved, us moving to Florida and starting our lives over....a process which took over everything for the next 9 years.

5 years ago- I lived in a beautiful little house in Alpharetta, Georgia on an acre and a half with a beautiful yard and a garden, still married to my husband and working in the technology sector. I was fortunate enough to be a part of the dot.com phenomenon and experience first hand the behind the scenes creation of a software company that ended up being acquired in one of the largest software deals in history. Millionaires were made, memories were forged and friendships that are still going strong were a part of this time. Then we sat back and watched the bubble burst, saw people who did not plan for their newfound wealth lose everything they bought to pay Uncle Sam and return to life as normal again....and be happier than they thought they would be. Living proof that money brings headaches!!! My biggest memory of 2000 was sitting on my back deck with a glass of wine with tears in my eyes because the enormity of what had happened to me sank in. I remained the same and did not change my life over the newfound blessings - and I was soo glad that I kept my head and my life just the way it was before....as it made it easier when it all vanished into thin air!

1 Year Ago - I was divorced, moving into the house I am currently moving out of, dating a man named Jeff, working full-time as a Realtor and just learning to enjoy life again - I don't think I was completely at ease with my new life and was still hanging on to the past a little bit, but I was definitely making progress.

5 Songs I know the words to- Fly Me to The Moon, Amazing Grace, Making Pies, Mary Had A Little Lamb, Pink Martini - Sympathique (French).

5 Things I would do with 100 Million Dollars- I would get a great financial manager, build a small cottage on the coast somewhere - perhaps Medocino, California where the views above the Pacific Ocean are awe inspiring, buy an apartment in Paris and a small home in Provence and split my time between them. I would start a foundation that would create houses and support for abused teenagers who want to go to college - House mother and father, counseling, full tuition to University and job assistance (the founder of Chick-Fil-A does something similar to this and it is AWESOME). I would have a small high-end shop that carried all things French like soaps and linens and artisan creations that I would purchase during my days in France (tax write off for the travel to and from France). Most of all, I would have my family around me all the time - lots of great vacations together and being an EA I can arrange it all with no problems!

5 Places I Would Run Away To- France, Prince Edward Island, Switzerland, Mendocino, Wyoming.

5 Things I would never wear- Mules, A Hairnet, Limegreen Eyeshadow, Granny panties, fake boobs.

5 TV shows - Don't really watch t.v. but I guess... The Bachelor, The Apprentice and Inside the Actor's Studio on Bravo - was a Sex and the City junkie but now have them all on DVD.

5 biggest joys- My dog Maggie, my friend Pascale, waking up in Paris, spending time with Lance, and travel.

5 favorite toys - My Blog, my cellphone, Lance's sander, my digicamera, my Avatar.

A Repost - Moving On ( I DID )

I am moving on. You will be surprised soon when I drop that on you. Plans are in place, meetings are set. Choices bring power - you have forgotten that. Go ahead, say something else to me, you will be the one left speechless. There are bigger fish, and bigger ponds. Go ahead, MAKE MY DAY!!!

Update:

Now I can look back at this post and laugh at you. I kept my word, I have moved on. I am not your doormat anymore. You just pretty much suck as a human being and I don't respect you at ALL. Take your money - count it slowly - because it is the only thing you have going for you. The rest is all fake and WE ALL KNOW IT - yes, ALL OF US.

Sad isn't it???

My Little Bud

I have this little dog - named Maggie and she is just the coolest. She is my little bud and I am NUTS about her. I know, girl and dog scenario.....however, Maggie really is a person in dog suit. I got her a couple of years ago after having to leave my two Golden Retrievers with my ex-husband and we have been rollin' ever since. She is a Cocker Spaniel and now that Lola is not around for competition, her puppy-like personality has returned full force.

We are a team running this little house in Atlanta.

Arrested

The nut guy was back at my house on Friday morning. Calling out for his cat and feeling pretty entitled to walking around my neighbors houses like he belonged here.

I was glad that Lance was home and when I saw the man again I called the police. Lance went out and confronted him, the police came, and after checking him out it was discovered that he had stolen credit cards, cash, stolen checks and Crystal Meth. Needless to say he was arrested and taken away.

I hope they keep him there for a while. It really unnerved me to see this man's face again, to realize the capacity that he is living his life in and to think that he was in my back yard late at night lurking about. I will be moving soon - but not soon enough to stop worrying about going to sleep at night. This one really got to me.

Rambling Thoughts

I want to lie down
Next to you
To be held by hands
Twice that of mine
To follow strides
Twice that of mine

I want to know that
You see me
Love me
Accept me

Don't tear down
The house
Because of one wall

It is not the foundation
That is to blame
If a house feels too small

Use your skills as a carpenter
Skills as a man
If men can move mountains
Then they can move sand....

A New Home

I have a new home. A sunny little townhouse in a very beautiful part of Atlanta called Brookhaven. No more Meth addicts in my back yard. Moving day is September 9th. More photos later.

I Have Had It!!!

Tonight is another chapter in crap in my life right now. I just returned home from an evening of looking at houses and stopping by to reconnect with a friend when I saw my neighbor Michael outside my house with a flashlight.

It seems that a man was in my back yard tonight "looking for his cat" and surprised my neighbor by coming over my fence (and I have a 10' privacy fence) into his yard. So, the police were called, security patrol in my neighborhood was notified and the man was told to move on. Well, 30 minutes later he was back at my house again, hiding behind some bushes beside my driveway and Michael caught him again, told him to go away and police called again! Typical story strung out man, unsuspecting woman!

I am exhausted. I know sleep will not come tonight, so I am not staying here. I saw that man this morning one house over when I was leaving from work and did not think too much of it, just taking note that he might be the new guy down the street. Just knowing he invaded my space, my private area has me completely unnerved. I am heading out now, to sleep in a more secure location until this is sorted out.

I have never felt more vulnerable in my life. I am tired of it all. I think it is time to play the smart girl card and move into a condo with a doorman. At least then I am guaranteed a good night of sleep and coming home without having to have my neighbor walk through the house with me to make sure no one is inside.

No more city, no more house, no more crap.

Sleeping

I want to go to sleep but somehow I can't get there. I lay down and then the thougts start and I am back and forth, one side and then the other and back into the middle again.

So, I am up on the porch. It is 3:00 a.m. and there are two owl's talking to each other. It is haunting and beautiful.

Maybe I will sit right here until the sun comes around.

Morning

Well, I did manage to get a few hours sleep in last night and I am late for work again. I should care more, but I really don't. The disconnect has happened but I don't want to leave my co-workers in a pinch either.

I will just finish this second cup of coffee and get on with it in a few minutes. I was looking at a cutesy house in Decatur, Georgia but something did not feel right about it and I sent an email this morning letting the woman know I was not going to take it, so I am back to square one again - for about the umpteenth time.

I have been thinking this morning about really letting go. It is not easy in life to do that. I prayed about my relationship a lot and gave it to God truly over the 4th of July weekend. As I am sure all of you who read know that the relationship has ended. While this is a really painful time for me personally, I have to keep going forward because I have to trust, without a doubt, that God knows what is best for me and the one that I love right now.

I was in a relationship that mattered to me on many, many levels and I even though I am reminding myself to breath right now, I have no regrets and still thank God each day for the introduction for what this person gave to me. I hope God used me to leave some meaningful things to him as well. I think that is important. Even though this is a rough time - I still want the very best for those I love. I truly want happiness, peace and love to return to the equation in their lives and I respect the courage it takes to step away and work on it instead of remaining.

The past three years have been painful learning experiences for me as well and I need to be filled too. I am in a cycle this past nine months of taking a lot of emotional cuts and I realize that I can't remain standing that way anymore and have ended or lost three relationships because of it, important ones at that. My best friend, my boss, and now my boyfriend. I just have to trust that God is leading me to a healthier place and I continue to have hope.

I had really hoped (secretly) to be heading out to Denver this weekend to meet up with a group of people whom I really liked a lot and wanted to know better. While this is not going to happen now, I am still so excited that the trip will be all good things with a family who is really very nice and has the cutest little boys ever. I will tune in for photographs next week and live vicariously in that trip through the digital images.

To those of you who have been so supportive of me - thank you - from the bottom of my heart. I might not know what is in store for me right now, but I do know that I loved, I do not point any fingers or place blame for life just being what it is.

My shield this week is:

For they that wait upon the Lord
Shall renew their strength
They shall mount up with wings
As Eagles

They shall run
And not be weary
And they shall walk and not faint.

Here is looking forward - onward, upward. Still bruised, still sad, still in love - but hopeful.

Mellissa

It's Raining Again

It's Raining Again
There is a respite in sleep
An hour of peace in slumber

Eyes open and the room
Comes into view again

Tears spring
From half closed eyelids

It is raining again
The skies cry with her

She puts one foot on the floor
Forging ahead

She is not broken
Just feeling the loss

For it is in letting go
That we receive.......

Don't Feel Sorry

Don't feel sorry for me - I am not broken. This did not destroy me. I will not stand in the middle of this and cry out forever. I will not punish others for the residuals of this relationship. I am not broken - I am simply down for now - paying respect to the genuine feelings I have for someone who I love. Someone I could not "fix", I could not love enough for two, I could not be kind enough to erase the past, I could not praise enough for correction.

I am going to cry - over and over - I am going to remember all of the positive things that were special to me. I will listen to the music you love and made me love and eventually I will only see it as music I love. I am going to reach out to friends, I am going to humble myself in their presence and allow them to see my pain. I am going walk around with a knot in my chest. I will have a visible hole, I will mourn.

But don't feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for mysef. I simply feel. And that makes all the difference.

Missing Lola

I had a really great dog named Lola. I raised her from 5 weeks of age and really had bonded with her. A month ago I had to give her up because I was working too many hours and did not feel right about how many hours a day she had to spend alone in her pen. She is in North Carolina now, living with two other Springers - and a family who is home during the day.

Sometimes in life it is hard to let go of something you love. But I am learning to let go when it is the right thing to do. I still miss Lola.

Vladimir

I have a really great group of friends in Atlanta. The kind who are there for you when you need them. I tripped on Maggie getting out of the shower this morning and sprained my ankle.

I managed to get myself around by crawling to the other room, getting dressed and calling Vladimir to help me tackle a couple of things I had to get done today because my boss is coming into town tomorrow.

So thanks Vlad - for the help today, for reminding me that I am a beautiful woman and for making me laugh. You are just the best ever.

Mel

Hypothyroidsm

I have post operative Hypothyroidism. That just means that they are having a hard time getting my body to absorb my medication and I have my blood taken every few months to monitor how I am doing.

For those of you who have no idea what a "thyroid" is....It is a butterfly shaped gland that sits at the base of your neck and controls your body's metabolism. It also ties into your adrenal glands, pituitary and endocrine system. Under active or Hypo thyroid means your body does not produce enough hormone to keep you going and your entire body slows down - sort of like starvation mode. Hyper thyroidism means you are getting too much and your eyes bulge out and you are speedy (adrenal response).

Anyway, two years ago I had a complete tyroidectomy and now rely on my meds to run the show. I am just thankful that I did not have thyroid cancer as the feared, so I will take the rest as it comes. In the past two years, I have lost nearly 40 pounds of the weight I had gained when I had a non-functioning thyroid. It has not been easy, but I am doing just fine and am really proud of myself. Losing that much weight when it takes twice the effort of a "normal" person is no easy feat.

I have about 10 pounds more to go and have been behind schedule on that because of working too much, paying attention to others needs ahead of my own again and trying to maintain some semblance of order in my life.

But all-in-all I am feeling great and I think I look pretty good too. I won't give up on getting my shape back. But at least a shape is not all I have!

Moving North

I have decided to move north. Back to the suburbs, back to normal. I will only need a small place, just enough room for me and Maggie.

It will feel good to go home again, out of the city, back to seeing families and minivans and life the way I know and love. I will choose a house with lots of light and sun-filled rooms. I will hope for hope again.

I am on my own now, room size is not a consideration any longer, nor is location.

Olmstead's Oaks

Frederick Law Olmsted Sr. (1822-1903) is the acknowledged founder of American landscape architecture. The term landscape architect was coined to describe his work in creating Central Park in New York City. The success of that historic commission launched Olmsted into a career that would enrich the lives of generations of Americans through the design of magnificent public spaces. In Atlanta a visible legacy of his creative genius is the Linear Park in Druid Hills, the last suburb he designed before his death.

Tonight I stood on top of a fallen Oak tree, lying beside was her sister, and stretched along the park, many more who were uprooted by the storm last night. They were mammoth oaks planted by the master designer of American parks. These weren't just any oaks, they were Olmstead's. Tonight I stood atop a small bit of history of our city. A spot where countless generations of Atlantan's have taken rest, where children of the Victorian age played.

Linnear Park in Druid Hills was also the place Lance and I spent our first day together, laying in the sun on a quilt, surrounded by those beautiful trees. They will be missed.

Freaking Out

O.K. I took the day off from work today (in my world taking the day off means working at home on my computer with my assistant till 10 and popping into the office for an hour by 3) to look for a house.

I am freaking out. I realized that I really only have two weeks to find something, and for those of you who know me finding the right thing is really hard because I am soooo picky. I don't want to live in anyone else's' crap and pay a fortune for it. Plus, I am changing jobs so I can't decide to move closer to where I will be working or to a little area of town that I love! Anyway, part of the factoring in my decision is also a really big Canadian who needs a fair amount of space and fills half the room with body size (6'4) and the other half with personality.

I will be working from home in a little while, so factor in home office space and TA DA, you have got one heck of a scenario....oh yeah, and I need rock star closet space and a big bathroom to hang out in when I need to escape from 6'4, big personality....

I am looking at a house tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. so wish me luck......now it is off to get cutied up to meet Lance and his cousin Paul tonight. First impressions and meetings on a day when one is freaking out is not a good thing.

Repeat with me...."I am calm, I am calm, I am calm"......LOUDER people - it is not working!

See you tomorrow -

Nearly homeless in Atlanta

Baton Bob

I live in "Midtown" Atlanta, Georgia. It is referred as Midtown because it is the area that lies between the Burbs of Atlanta and the Downtown Skyline.

We have quite a character that is known as "Baton Bob". I call him the Midtown Majorette. As I was making my way to look at a house today, there he was, in a black tutu with pom pom boots and a feathered marching band hat, twirling away.

I remember the first time I saw him on the corner of Piedmont and Monroe where I live, and there just happened to be a large group of runners out that morning, so I thought it was a promotion or something for the runners ('come on folks, we do have the Peachtree Road Race after all) so there was on my bike, cracking up at the spectacle.

Then I saw him again - different costume, no runners! I asked some friends of mine about what I was seeing and they all seemed to know "Bob" as part of our urban culture club!! I am attaching a link so that you can see for yourself. And, before you judge him based solely on his look, keep in mind that Bob volunteers at the the Cancer Center at Children's Health Care of Atlanta and seems to have a heart of gold.

While I might long to see families in my neighborhood, and want men at my local grocery store to check me out and not each other (or my boyfriend) I am learning to appreciate the diversity and differences in people more and more each day. Bob is a fine example of that.

I think the photograph says it all - Remember to SHARE the road!

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/atlanta/0305/31batonbob.html

The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia

Well, we are getting a tapper! All the electricity has gone out and the skies are rockin'! trees are snapping branches and it is AWESOME. What a strange way to get quiet back! I have candles lit in the house and of course, the battery on the computer to keep me company - but all I hear is the rain and Maggie chasing her tennis ball around the house in the dark. How cool is that.

My meetings in Chicago went off without a hitch, but of course, I was like a mother hen calling up to check on my assistant non-stop. I think she will kick my butt tomorrow. My bosses' wife called me yesterday to tell me that "I suck" ha ha for leaving my position but that she totally gets why so we had a good laugh about it and I told her I would mail her the book "Control Freak."

I have been getting a good laugh over a lot of the Blogs lately, trying to read more through linking from one Blog to another. Some people are so hilarious. One of my new favorites is the Mullet Blog - you know, the redneck hairdo!! Paul, Rob and Karenlea are the twisted souls behind that one. If things are getting a little to serious in my life, I go check out those Blogs and crack up.

Well, I think I am heading to bed and to take that ball away from Mag's.

Night!

Can't Get It Together

It is 9:15 a.m. and I am still sitting at home. I can't get my rear in gear to go to work. I am really tired today and should just hook the coffee I am drinking into an IV.

I really want to play hookie - and look for a new house. I have been stalling, and just when I was about to pull the trigger to stay through September, my realtor called and said that the young couple who looked at the house on Sunday had decided to take it. I knew I should not have cleaned so well before I left the house - or left music playing for them. Dang it - now I have three weeks to get it all together and move. Mix that in with starting a new job on the 15th and WHAMMO, I am on the gerbil wheel again.

Bye!

I Am Missing Paris

Oh man, I really wish I could go to Paris again. I am sitting at home right now dreaming about it. I know all the places I would go - let me share with you what my day would look like.....


1. Fauchon - (Fawshaun) My all time favorite chocolate and gourmet shop! There is a girly pink awning that welcomes you and a really chic little tea room adjoining the front entrance.

Little cookies in all colors are stacked up in pyramides in the windows, chocolate strawberries in tuxedo suits line the second tier and bon bons line the lower. Chocolate coffee, chocolate covered nuts - Willy Wonka has no game on this shop.

There are usually well-heeled ladies with impecable hairsytles leaving the shop with the small bits of decadence tucked inside bags that say FAUCHON boldly around the bag - a note to all passing by you that you have incredible taste!! Yummmmmmm.


2. Marche Aux Puces St. Ouen (marchay o puse santwon) this is THE flea market that you hear about all the time, antiques, Armoires from the coast of Normandy, gold gilded mirrors that you are sure must have belonged to Napoleon and miles and miles of interesting objects. Most tourists look for this sweet spot, but never find their way to the real deal part of the flea market, as the metro map only takes you to the part that is full of cheap knock-off Nikes and Louis Vitton bags.


This is by far the treasure chest of all world markets - but it is not for the novice. These folks know exactly what they own and will hold firm on selling for the fair price, but the dealers will also invite you at a moments notice to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee or a pastry with them, when they are not napping in an antique chair......


3. Notre Dame. I push my way past the throngs of tourists that crowd around the door and make my way inside to sit and pray each time I go to Paris. It is a magical place for me and absolutely awe inspiring.

Chandeliers from centuries ago still illuminate the Cathedral, bathing statues and marble in golden light that balance a myriad of colors from the stained glass mirrors. Concerts here are a treat, usually consisting of a small quartet of strings. The music will bring tears and reverence.


I always light a prayer candle and leave uplifted, pushing back through tourists that never made it past the front door carvings......ces't dommage (it is a shame).





4. Cafe De Flore - Gas lanterns, ham sandwiches on crusty baguettes with lots of butter and salads piled high on plates with vinaigrette dressings and poached eggs on top.

Interesting old men smoking cigars and reading Le Monde (French version of the NY Times). Artists chain smoking and drinking double espressos and laughing with friends who meet up daily to discuss the world at large and their own artistic sufferings. French film stars from the old days, well-suited businessmen and me, sitting quietly reading a book, drinking Cafe au chocloate and eavesdropping in an attempt to better my French. Always interesting.

I would be tired by this point as I would have walked to each destination except for the taxi to the flea market. I would meander the streets through the Quartier Latin (kartier latan) back to my hotel in St. Germain to day dream about tomorrow's adventure.......

A Few Nuts

O.K, I hear you and have decided to come around a little. I have heard from more of you than I expected. Some with posts here on the Blog, some with emails and telephone calls and then those who walked into my office to ask "why" even my old boss noticed......scary.

So, I am writing my true thoughts for this morning. Is it true that actions speak louder than words, or do we listen to the actions of a person and disregard the spoken intent. Which is truth - or is truth a combination of the two?

In church on Sunday this young whippersnapper gave a sermon that really hit home with me. It was about the Holy Spirit being your "operating system" like in a computer..... It was the first time that I realized that "voice" inside you that tells you "wait a minute" or makes you really not want to do something or makes you question something is really the Holy Spirit asking you to use caution in making a decision that may not be right for you. Awesome eh! I know now that the Holy Spirit works overtime giving me those feelings as I feel that most days I am walking a mine field lately and there is only a couple of areas in my life that I have complete peace.

Anyway, in catching up, I am leaving tomorrow to run some meetings in Chicago. That voice inside me is saying "no way" about heading up there, and I am struggling with just sending one of my assistants in my place and listening to my operating system about what is the right thing for ME to do. I will keep you posted.

I know you all have been reading some of the past posts about Bumper Cars and Battle and Fight or Flight and most of you have probably thought they were all about Lance (haha) but the majority of them were about my boss and the way he treats people. I have suffered 8 months of emotional ups and downs at work the like of which I have never seen before. I know now what they mean by battle pay!!!

Well, after turning myself upside down and inside out, questioning my abilities in work, crying, being angry, standing my ground, rolling over and trying seventy two ways to Sunday to make this man happy I finally said enough and began preparation maneuvers to leave the company I work for.

I have really been in prayer about my situation and have been really worried about how I would continue to survive the emotional thrashings I was taking on a weekly basis - when the telephone rang. It was a voice from my past. Someone I have known since 1998 and, someone I know who has wanted to try and get me to work for him for quite a while but our timing was never right.

So, last Wednesday, God answered my prayer in a larger way than I ever imagined. The job came to me, in total compensation and benefits I will come out ahead of where I am now. I can work from home when I want to, get up and go to the bathroom when I want to, go to lunch with my co workers when I want to. And be wanted again - and appreciated for the unique job I perform - God gave me more than I asked for - he always seems to do that and I am grateful.

Well, it is almost 8 a.m. and I have to get ready for work. Not too much longer now with the Titan......

Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a really wonderful day today. And to Lance, I have really enjoyed spending time with you - finding normal.

Mellissa

When Is There Room?

When is there room for me just to be myself? When does the need to be perfect and meet all expectations become a burden too heavy to carry? When can I be the weak one, the the flawed one; human!

Why are some expected to maintain perfection in all areas, perfect friend, perfect partner, perfect employee. Just smile and take it in the chin Mellissa - it is you fault after all. You are expected to be...... you are supposed to just........you need to act......you are required to do it all right, say it all right, think it all right. Call when you are supposed to by my expectations, feel the way I do by my expectations.

I am sorry to all of you who are let down by me. I am no different from you. I hurt sometimes, I cry sometimes, I fall sometimes. But, I am trying to be all the things you expect me to be. Sometimes I just fall a little short of the mark. Don't you?

Today

It is getting late in the evening. There is something very comforting about this time of night. Only the sound of crickets and the occasional car passing below on the street. Tonight in Atlanta the air is heavy and humid - now there is a siren going off in the distance and the sound of a car door shutting. Someone is leaving home.

I took a moment to pull my hair back into a ponytail again. It feels soft against my fingers and a small strand is tickling the back of my neck. Maggie has just found a resting place beneath the outdoor table and is listening to the night sounds with me.

As usual, my work day was a long one and I came home to dinner alone - Cheerios's again and a movie to keep me company for the first part of the evening. Lance will be flying again tomorrow. I am not sure where this leg of trips will take him but imagine it somewhere in the isocoles triangle that I am becoming familiar with.

Alyse returned home again safely and I am missing her - more than she can imagine. I am still turning over thoughts of Ted and what I bore witness to yesterday. I wish I were more disconnected in my feelings, in my need to reach out and fix everything. It is so in my nature to rush in to correct, to bail out. I cannot imagine how I can stand by and imagine what is happening to him - but that is what I must do. I wish I could stop thinking about it. It is a nagging, sinking feeling that makes me feel a little sick. It is like reading the last chapter of a book and knowing the ending. None of these stories end differently.

My wonderful friend and co-worker received some bad news today and as it was being revealed to me and an understanding ear was needed, my boss called with his demands and controlling nature. It is funny to watch someone so powerful obsess over minutia. I felt a loss in the defense ridden telephone call. On the witness stand again. Defending what I know, how I work - it is 60 days away - we don't need to panic over it right now. Yes, I understood what needs to be done - No, you don't need to explain it again. I am too busy right now working on getting your wife's Nanny and the dog on a flight. Funny that this is my priority in life. So can it.

Maggie just hopped up to investigate some noise and feeling satisfied that she did not need to put on her rotweiller suit has come over for a snuggle. She is so awesome. Dogs are way better than most people. I just wish they could talk!

Well, that is my story for tonight.

Mellissa

A Man I Did Not Know

Today I met a man.
My first glance of him
came from a distance.
He was tall, dark, handsome.

Just as I remembered.
As I walked closer to deliver
a precious gift to him, he
turned away from me.

He was hiding from me
Hiding his eyes, pretending
to pay attention only to the gift.

Today I met a man
It was the man I shared 13 years
Of my life with.

Darting eyes, exaggerated expression.
Avoidance of eye contact. How sad.

Today I met a man.
A man I did not know.

Late Night

Small sentences of my day

Pretending nothing happened.
Calling to check on me. Thanks D.
Buying yachts, booking facials.
Brian turned 15.
Alyse is coming to visit.
Lance is sleeping in Oklahoma City.
Salad bar lunch.
Tuesday Morning browsing.
Maggie is sleeping on the floor.
The Realtor loved my furniture.
It rained....again.
Still in my work clothes.
Ate Cheerios's for dinner.
Really sleepy.
Completed 46 tasks.
Forgot to take my meds.

Yep, that was the day!

Turning out the lights - come on Mag's were hitting the sheets.

5:40 p.m.

It is 5:40 p.m. and I am so ready to head out of my office and into my life. A rainy night in Georgia - perfect night for some some potato leek soup and French bread.......Man, I wish these last 20 minutes would hurry.

On second thought, I worked through lunch - the company owes me 40 minutes!!! I am going home!

Mellissa

Open Letter to My Past

Hello,

It was nice of you to write, call, chat on line. I am glad you are doing well. I don't need to re-engage in a relationship with you albeit as a friend you would be a lot of fun. Thank you for the kind words and inquiry after my special someone.

It is funny how things go in life, I have found that, since my divorce there have been several short-term relationships that have come along. Spanish, French, Jewish, Protestant, young, mature, immature. It is like the saying "Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief, Dr. Lawyer, Indian Chief. There were those who were ready for more, those who were just sport dating and those whom I could not wait for the check to come after dinner.

It sure has been a merry-go-round and a great learning experience. So, thank you gentlemen, and my hat is off to you for trying - but my mind is occupied elsewhere and hindsight is always 20/20.

Me

Do You Know?

My sweetest one,

Do you know how very special you are to me? Do you know how much having you in my life means to me?

I remember the day you were born, the joy you brought to us all, and the sweet memories I hold of your baby days, toddler days, and teenage years.

Beautiful writer, pianist, ballet dancer - witty creative one, you are a star and I love you so very much.

I am proud of you, don't ever forget that! I have read your words and know you better now. I am sorry for what you went through - things I did not know. I hold you close in prayer each and every day, and in my thoughts always.

You are the continuation of our family, you are truly loved and lucky and growing beautifully into yourself.

As you travel out to the other side of the country to give of yourself to those less fortunate, use your talents, your experiences and testimony to help those who are in need. God is working through you and within you.

I love you AJM - with all my heart!

XOXOXO,
AM

Arthur

Arthur stopped by the neighbor's house today. I knew it must be he. His leg was in a cast, he had been hurt and I could tell the appearance at the door was one of need. To me he is a stranger, only his name was familiar to me.

In speaking hello to him and offering him an explanation of my neighbors absence, I could see his face fall farther, his crutch moved back from the doorbell and into it's rightful place at his side. "Do you know when...." he asked, "I think later tonight", I replied. "Oh", was his only answer.

Today is a hot, humid and sunny day in our city. There is a hurricane a few hundred miles south of us and it is churning up the weather. Arthur is walking, leg braced, dripping sweat and wiping it away with a ragged green hand towel. I offered what I could, a tall glass of ice water and a small sum of money so he could fill a prescription catch the bus on the corner and get himself home. He had used the last of his to ride the bus here. He needed home and rest and dignity.

Asking for help is hard - he did not have to get the words past himself. I inquired, smiled and shook his hand with a "nice to meet you sir, I have heard of you before and now we meet". Needs met for the moment, Arthur thanked me and made his way toward downtown and the rest he so desperately needed.

It was nice to meet you Arthur. God bless.

M

Country Music and Front Porches

I am sitting on the front porch listening to some country music - the good ol' fashioned kind where the artist is not synthesized to sound great. The music resonates from talent and feelings deep inside. Tonight it is Patty for me.

This music makes me long for a life lived in a house in the countryside or an area with endless sky visible. Weekends are spent with friends who like you just the way you are, warts and all. Dance halls and bar-b-q, comfy jeans and sleeveless cotton shirts and lots of love and welcomes from ones who value the same things you do.

I guess I am tired of city life. I want to see families, to hear children playing out in the yard. I want to have a Wal-Mart around the corner and a grocery store where the cashier knows your name and you know the bank teller just got engaged to your cousins best friend.

That sure isn't in downtown Atlanta.

Sing it Patty - you are on to something.....

This Is My Square

This is my square. No apologies. I was given a bunch of dirt and a very tiny rake. Years later, this small square is all mine. It is filled with beautiful flowers and lots of love. You can see it if you care to look deeper. I will open the high wall I have built around it and show you inside, but don't ask me to say I am sorry for being proud of what I have made. I will not. The square I stand firmly inside of is my badge of courage, my stripes. It is not arrogance that makes me proud to own this, to say it is well tended and of good quality. My heart lies in the middle of the space I occupy. I was left alone for many years, sentenced to hard labor here. I made something out of nothing. Don't you see it? Can I be proud of what I made? There were years of long days spent toiling here. Digging rocks away and preparing the ground. This square is valuable now and I have the knowledge of each and every seed I planted. Things bloom in seasons, wait for them and they will appear before your eyes. I watered this ground with sweat and tears and time. This is my square. No apologies.

Final Chapter on Sand For Sale

I know I have been harping on the sand thing from Pottery Barn (see posts below.) The funny thing is that when I went to check on it today, to show a co-worker of mine, Pottery Barn had updated it's site next to the item with the words "No longer available." Who knows, maybe the executives at the corporate office read my Blog and it all made sense to them........at least that is how I would like to think of it (((((((smiles)))))).......

Mellissa

When?

When do we let go?
When is holding on too much?
When do you say I am sorry?
When do you say I am not?
When do you let it fly?
When do you reach out?
When do you pull back?
When do you know that you are safe?
When do you know you are in danger?
When is well enough - enough?
When do you call that spade a spade?
When do you lay it down?
When do you pick it up?
When do you look at it full-on?
When do you look away?
When do stop turning the other cheek?
When do you sit still?
When do you run?
When is it the right time?
When do you say more?

When do you say when?

We Meet at 5300 Feet Above Sea Level

My nickname is Ladybug and they are my favorite thing in the world.

My tag line on the blog reads an old saying in French, which in translation is "I am the insect loved by poets and the gods."

This little girl was hanging out atop of Mt. Pisgah in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I had been praying about something, asking God for a sign of renewal and affirmation that I was going to be o.k. When I looked down at the place I was sitting, there she was - and I knew He put her there just for me. Isn't God just awesome that way.

I think my smile says it all.

Home Again

It feels so good to be home again in the Blue Ridge Mountains - my town, Saluda, North Carolina (Mayberry USA). Coon Dog Day tee shirts have been purchased, hugs were collected from Mom & Dad and, of course, Charlie Ward. Lance and I have been out hiking at Pearsons Falls and are having just the nicest day together running along paths and sitting on rocks, feet dipped in cool water.

We are now sitting in the Saluda Library, which is better known to me at Kathy's store. She was a lovely woman who had this store in the early 1980's and filled it with crafts and things she loved. Her mother was always here as well, quilting in the very room I am now typing from. Our town lost Kathy to breast cancer in 1986.

I have so many beautiful memories of Saluda, of my family heritage here, high school years, Green River BBQ, square dancing on Friday nights, locals who always are glad you are back and knew your Grandma and Grandpa and can say "I remember you when you were just a wee thing."

Now, here I am again. It has been six months since I have returned home. That is way too long. I sure have missed it. I am glad Lance is getting to experience this with me. Texas last weekend, North Carolina this weekend.