Tucked Safely In Jackson

Thank you for the smile on my face and the kindness in you. Thank you for the absolutely genuine sweet man that you are. I am impressed with you and the quiet strength you have.

It is rare that I am at a loss for words, but when it comes to writing about you, or telling people about you - I hesitate...wanting the smile I have and feelings inside to be mine alone.....

So, for all of you who log on to see where in the world I am this week....I am tucked safely in Jackson....Tennessee - with a man who makes me smile....and believe again.

xoxo,

Bug

Merry Christmas From Our House to Yours

At Home With My Family

Hi All - I am at home with my family and it feels good. We are out to run an errand while my daddy is at church. He is getting a new flat screen t.v. - hope he will like it.

xoox,

Bug

P.S. If you are reading this from Savannah - then I am thinking of you especially....right now.

Vignettes

This post is for me. It is just to remind me of the softness of love. It is to remind me to believe and to trust. These are photographs from the last time love and happiness were in my life.

Next week I have to take a few bricks away from the wall I have around me. I have to take a chance and step forward and it scares me. I pretend to be witty and bold, but it is just a front...like the way a bird puffs itself up to appear larger and more colorful.

You see, I am afraid of the unknown, I fear rejection a great deal. Meeting someone new is as intimidating to me right now as the thought of standing naked on Peachtree Street. I feel like I am exposing myself before I am ready to. I like hiding here and being safe. No one to hurt me or cause my heart to hope. I like the safety of one, I trust only myself.

But then there is this girl in me who wants to peek around the corner and see what might be waiting for me....so I will take these few steps forward and try to trust in what might be ahead...

xoxo,

Bug

Photo's Are Up

Before I head out to do errands and finalize details to clear my way for 2007, I wanted to let you know that I have posted my photographs from my trip on my photo site. Hope you enjoy!

http://www.ladybugpics.shutterfly.com

xoxo,
Bug

Tired...

I had a pretty busy day yesterday..and a rainy one at that...we were not returning home until 2:30 a.m. as one of Steve's godchildren, Laurent was playing at a local club here in Paris just off the Champs Elysees.

Since the drinking age here is 18, but no one checks anyway all the kids inside seemed to me to look about 12...and I felt like an old lady (well, an old lady with a much sexier body and better dance moves ;-) than the quasi-anorexic trend here in Paris...there were too many girls with protruding shoulder blades for my tastes...made me want to wrap them up and bring them home for some soup and to tell them that they need to just calm down...(mothering instinct)..Steve and I laughed about this on the way home in between singing "How Bizarre" from OMC and head banging to some old AC/DC "Highway to Hell"...yeah - those were the days!!! ha ha.

Before heading over to the club, we had a late dinner at this great little restaurant - family owned..everything was soooo good and it was really warm and cozy there and the drive over was amazing....I still never tire or get used to the absolute splendor of this city. It is truly as Hemingway put it "A movable feast" both for the tummy and the eyes. Everything lit at night - such pride in the buildings that are here - so much history that you feel the presence of those who lived here in the 17th and 18th centuries still. I can't describe what that feels like....I wish I could.

Anyway - I am hanging out in my fuzzy pink pj's right now and Steve is baking a cake - That Dutch boy can eat more than anyone I know!! I am not too motivated to get out and do anything today...except that I really want to go to the Monoprix - the grocery store. I get a kick out of looking at all the products they have and trying to figure out what some are...it is a fun game for me...which also means I have been here too often if I have seen everything there is to see in Paris and now just hang at the market - LOL.

I wish you all the best of days today.

xoxo,

Mel

Lazy Paris Afternoon

J’Arrrive

It is late afternoon in Paris & the sun will soon set. I am sitting in a café enjoying a glass of Bordeaux and an omelette's du jambon et fromage while waiting for Steve to finish up a meeting with Galeries Lafayette.

The area I am in is called “Opera” & the street is Boulevard Haussmann – it is the main boulevard of Le Grand Magasans (department stores) such as Galeries Lafayette and Printemps.

As I sit here alone in a prime spot for observing the people here, I feel completely at home – which is something I don’t feel when dining alone in the States. When I am there, eating alone has a conspicuous feeling. Here, it is my time to write on the paper covering the table …a spot of vinaigrette on one corner and a red circle from my wine glass on the other. Breadcrumbs from my baguette are my confetti sprinkles. You see, this is a party of one…a very contented and happy one.

It is funny that although I am so far away, in many ways I am home again.....but just to make sure you all know my roots - here I am tonight listening to Kenny Chesney on my iPod...you can take the girl out of the South, but you can't take the South out of the girl!!!

Bonne Nuit Paris – J’adore!!

Bonne Nuit Genève

Tonight is my last night in Geneva. I depart for Paris in the morning to spend a week before heading back to the States for Christmas with my family.

I have enjoyed my stay here although work kept me from doing many of the things I wanted - but this is as usual so I take it in stride, knowing I will be back in Switzerland again in the coming year.

I had the opportunity of spending time with an old friend, as well as adding to my circle of new friends around the world. Bastian from Berlin and Su from Dublin. What wonderful people they are...I will miss talking to them and watching Bastain struggling to bridge the communication gap by speaking some in German, some French and mostly English so I would get the majority of what he was trying to tell me - GENOW Bastian!!

More from the road...

xoxo - Bug

Thank You

There are times in our lives when we need to talk to someone. We need to tell the truth to someone who knows us, someone who will look us in the eyes without judgment and absorb what we are saying and understand what is needed in return.

This is my person. One of the people who knows the real me, one of the few I place my trust in to expose the depths of things that I feel in my life right now.

Yesterday afternoon, after the lunch and the shopping and the catching up, I was able to sit and open up to her to say everything plainly and know that she would not flinch at my truths.

Having someone like this is one of the treasures in my life. I hate it that I live in the States and she in Switzerland, but somehow when we come to spend time together it is as if no time has passed since we saw each other last. We fall back into such an easy place with each other. I love that...and her.

Thank you Pascale - for everything. I miss you already.

Love,
Mel

2006

I was looking through some old writings tonight as I had dinner in the hotel. I came across a post that you will see below that outlines my year last year. I decided it was time to make a time capsule for myself for 2006 to look back on when I am older and remember that I had a wonderful, adventurous life.

I will write and post 2006 tomorrow...stay tuned and see if there is a happy ending for Mellissa....

2005

Sunday morning is here and slipping quietly by as I sit at my desk and watch the last of the leaves roll by with each gust of wind. Maggie is curled up on my desktop sleeping soundly on her quilt and Dave Koz is playing on the stereo, ushering in the holiday season in a way that is peaceful and reflective.

I have been thinking of this past year, thinking about my life and my blessings - and there are so many. It is funny when I take time to reflect on the past eleven months, I am humbled by my blessings and my life.

While my existence is ordinary, just like everyone else's, the reflections of today make them seem extraordinary. I wanted to share a little with you in reflection.

January - a new job full of promise, a new relationship filled with laughter and adventure friendships that were secure.

February - Valentine's Day flowers, a wonderful trip to Charleston for the weekend, great wine, bundled up in a coat walking the banks of the river, dreaming again. A trip to Jamaica to warm in the sun, to spend the days on the beach and continue dreaming and laughing. A Jamaican man who called my "Beautiful Lady" each time I saw him. Pink champagne, cute sandals and ace card games at night.

March - Germany, France, Africa. Strolling the streets of Paris in the wee hours of the morning. Listening to music at Hotel Costes, dancing at Barrio Latino, shopping for antiques. Africa for the weekend, Marrakesh and Casablanca - mint tea, ancient walls, orange blossom and cinnamon, Fatima with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Wooden doors carved with care by ancient craftsmen - desert sun and lunches served al fresco.

April - A new relationship, a kindred spirit, Easter flowers and brunches with friends, a sweet puppy growing bigger by the day.

May - Warm days in town, laying in the park on a blanket listing to prose and watching the tops of skyscrapers as clouds passed by on their journey to the unknown. A trip to Hilton Head for more beach time with friends.

June - a difficult month for friendships and relationships, letting go of some things, holding on to others. Growing another year older. A trip to San Antonio and meeting great people. Falling in love again, adoring a special child. Eating great bar-b-q, Texas style. Beautiful Spanish Missions and more warm weather and smiles.

July - family time. A trip to my parents and hiking in the Pisgah forest. Waterfalls and banana peels out of the sunroof, sliding down a rock into freezing cold water and lots of laughter. A baseball game with fireworks and jet planes and paratroopers falling from the sky.

August - A new job, returning to those who know me, finding home at work again, renewing old friendships and preparing for a new home.

September - Labor Day in Canada, hot tubs and cold nights with fires lit, a christening, walking under the great night skies and feeling so happy.

October - Dancing again, feeling my feet move and my hips sway and laughter erupting from deep inside me again. Working on making my new home all my own - lots of paint and fabrics and time with my mom doing what we do best - making home!

November - Small group gatherings, new found friendships and comfort in where I am now. Family visits to Atlanta and Thanksgiving in Florida feeling the sun on my face and sand in my toes - while holding my daddy's hand and watching my brother do the same with his daughters. Magic, plain and simple.

December - stay tuned :-)
edit: A break up, a painful month of realizing what does not work, hauling the Christmas tree out to the curb, spending time with my parents and regrouping...this was the end of 2005...but I was still dreaming....

You see, I don't remember the trials right now, or the sad times. I look back on this year and remember the blessings, the love, the travel, the experiences, the smells and mental images from far away places. I remember all the things that I am blessed with - 2005 has been a great year. What a wonderful life I have.

What a joy it is, and how lucky am I to have had all of this in such short order. I realized today, that I am living my dream. I am happy.

Hopeful Heart

Often times in my mind I am free of this time in my life. It has all come full-circle and I am complete again. There is a family for me and I am preparing dinner and listening to the sounds of children – whether mine or not - does not matter.

Often times in my mind I am free of the burden of being alone. I have become a part of someone else and am loved and love in return. We two become one and life progresses forward towards seasons and years in the company of a trusted soul.

Often times in my heart I forgive you for what you took from me. I open up my hands and drop them to the sides of me in complete surrender and release. You did the best you could. The fact that you married me for the wrong reason is not my problem to solve. It is merely my scar to bear.

Years have progressed since that time, but it seems like I have been in purgatory much longer. I reach out and ask others, “Do you feel this too?” “Is it just me, or is it all of us together?” and I wonder to myself…what if this is all that remains.

I pull Maggie closer to me, grateful for the touch of life in my home and close my eyes and pray that soon God will make my dreams come true.

All's Well That Ends Well

I have finally gotten my second wind today - I think it was taking a walk around Lake Geneva and stopping into a cafe for an omlette and salad. I needed food and fresh air and now I think I can make it through the rest of the day and into the evening cocktail reception I am putting on for 160 people....there are sure to be some problems which I am not looking forward to.

The good news is that my bags were located and the concierge at the hotel managed to get Air France to deliver my bags to him...his French is obviously much better than mine ;-)

I did not get much sleep last night. I fell asleep on the bed at the hotel at 6 p.m. and slept till 10:30 p.m. local time when they called to let me know the good news that I would have clean clothes for today!! After that I was wide awake and headed down to the lobby to sit in front of the fireplace to have a nightcap...and to chat on the phone with a friend of mine back in the states. I ended up being awake until 4:45 a.m. knowing the alarm was set for 6:00 a.m. today. It was not so pretty when my alarm rang and I started groaning about the day not wanting to get up - even though my bed is like a rock and I woke up surrounded by my MAUVE room which reminds me of day old Pepto Bismol. Will be changing hotels tomorrow to be closer to the train station so Pascale and I can head out for an adventure.

Well all - I have to head back downstairs to look into my booth set up.....the man has been working on setting it up since 8:00 a.m. and he is still not finished....Swiss precision...takes a lot of time ;-)

Sleepy in Geneva

This was my view at Sunrise on my way to have breakfast with Steve this morning.

It is now 11:56 EST 5:56 p.m. where I am...and I am very tired. I made it on from Paris to Geneva, but sadly my bag did not follow along with me so I have no clean clothes...UGH...

I have been awake for almost 29 hours now and I am really worn out. I wish I was one of those lucky folks that can sleep on the plane....

I also wish I had warm pj's to put on..oh well, at this point I am just happy to have a bed.

Bonne Nuit!

Lights Out

Lights out everyone, time to sleep…or sit in the darkness with only the comfort of the illuminated screen…four hours to landing; Paris welcomes me again. She is my greatest love.

There is a man next to me tonight. It has been a long time…he is Marcello from Milan. He is a doctor, a specialist in the liver, who is returning home from a summit at Emory University in Atlanta. I like him. He has an English Bulldog and I wife who must sleep in another room….sad. He is my father’s age and I feel safer having him on the flight with me. His clothes are very expensive, three-ply cashmere, Prada briefcase, a warm smile. All this wrapped in the unaffected manner of a European. I liked him instantly. I wish I could wrap up all the people I meet and talk with on my travels. They are like the supporting characters to my Alice – here in Wonderland, trying to make a go of it.

James Blunt is playing on the iPod and I am thinking of the last time I listened to this song…before the soldier made his way to the ocean. I can never listen to “High” again the same way.

I had an interview today, something new – out of the blue has come and as much as I love what I am doing, it is time for a new home for me. I love a new challenge and when they come I follow them along. This will be my last trip abroad for work. From now on it will be to experience life as I love it…without my computer ;-)

I am listening now to a wonderful song by Katie Melua, called “Shy Boy”…I wonder if anyone reading this will understand that inference. I have decided that maybe the strong silent type might be the way to go. Time and Nashville answer that question for me in 2007. For those of you who know me well, you know I lost my smile last summer…I found it again – and can’t stop using it…..thank you N_G…..

Bonne Nuit mes amis until tomorrow.

Travel Journal - Dec. 9

Cleveland

I am sitting in total silence with the exception of the click of the keypad. I am ungrateful and in many ways, very selfish. I am humbled by tonight, the eve of the day we give thanks for our blessings. You see, I just I learned a lesson - was taught a lesson. I must truly be thankful for the life God gave me and for the blessings he bestows on me endlessly, although I am not deserving.

In my final preparations for having guests tomorrow, I realized that I was missing a few ingredients needed to make a few of the dishes I was preparing in advance so I headed to the grocery store. I left my affluent neighborhood with my dog on my lap and money in my wallet. I passed mansion upon mansion on my short drive towards Peachtree Street, looking in the windows, noticing the beautiful paintings and lit driveways, gas lanterns flickering on posts by the roadside.

As I turned into the plaza where the store is, my headlights focused on a man. He looked to be my age. He had taken the lid off the trash bin next to the post office and was rummaging amongst the contents. He picked up a drink cup and swirled it to see if there was anything in there to drink. He had found something to give him a bit of relief from his thirst. The post office has been closed for hours, so I knew the contents of that cup were more than likely from lunch. Warm and tasting of Styrofoam.

As I pulled into my parking space and made my way into the market I noticed that he had moved closer to the store - to the next garbage can and was removing the lid. I went over to him. "Excuse me sir, are you hungry?" I noticed that he had found a discarded cigarette butt and was holding it between his fingers. More leftovers from another. He said yes, he was hungry. I asked him to wait for me, I told him I would return in a moment from the store and bring him something to eat. He could not look me in the eye and I could tell in that moment that he had a sweet spirit in him and that he had not looked many people in the eye for a long time.

As I went into the store, I could not remember the few items that I went there for. I walked up and down the aisles but my mind could not focus. Everything inside me was hurting - for him and the countless others that will not have this year. Not just tomorrow, but many days after. No place to sleep, no food to eat and more than likely a substance abuse problem caused by a break in their soul at some point in their lives.

There were so many people in the store, buying so much, so much. Carts overflowing. I still could not remember what I needed - but I knew what he needed, so I proceeded to the deli to buy him a rotisserie chicken and some warm macaroni and cheese. A large bottle of water, a Sprite, utensils, salt and pepper and a pack of cigarettes. No leftovers tonight. Not for him.

He was waiting still, outside the store and I sat next to him, handing him the bag. I offered my hand to him and introduced myself. He returned in kind, still not able to meet my eyes. "Hi, my name is Cleveland."

We talked for a few minutes and he began to feel comfortable and peeked inside his bag. He said nothing to me, just reached over and squeezed my hand as I got up and made my way back to the car with a weight on me of conviction. "Be thankful Mellissa, be truly thankful" was all I heard inside my heart. So tonight as I sit here, humbled and reminded what tomorrow is really about. Lesson applied.

Thank you Cleveland - God bless you and keep you.

Dreaming

I am dreaming today of Provence. Remembering all the sights and sounds.....the joy in your company; idle hours of bliss in washed in the most beautiful light. Do you remember it? Do you remember the Les Beaux Des Provence, the Provence of Provence - Les Anciens where steep cliffs hide ancient castles and cicada's hum in the the trees.

Tonight I am remembering the light and the warmth. Van Gogh loved the light in Arles and spent years painting there; my favorite, Cafe Terrace on the Place du Forum. We sat at that very cafe, just to relax and have a coffee and read the paper. It was not a history lesson to be observed, it is still a cafe to relax and enjoy. I left you there while I went to pick up the quilted bags I had made for my mother. What a beautiful memory we had had - just being, wandering around the small village while waiting towards late afternoon to drive the short distance to experience the horses of the Camargue at sunset.

The wild horses of the Camargue, a beautiful, silver white breed of horse that lives in the marshlands of the South of France alongside beautiful flamingos - there origins in this region are prehistoric. What a display it was to see them running along the marshes that lined the route from Arles to the sea coast. I will never forget that as long as I live.

As I sit here in Atlanta tonight, fighting off the chill in the air, I remember our wonderful lunch at the Oustau de Baumaniere. Three hours we sat on that beautiful patio surrounded by groves of trees that caused the light to dapple across our tabletop. Every attention to detail was evident from the hand pressed Huile de Olive to the clay birds that adorned our table. You snuck away to buy one for me - it now sits on my coffee table as a reminder of that day.

As I head inside to prepare for my evening out with friends, I will take the images of those days with me - to keep me warm, and make me smile. Steve, I will see you in Paris soon!!

IM NOT READY TO PLAY NICE

You want the "nice" Mellissa back eh? Well guess what - that is not going to happen. Just like with the last fella, you pulled the crap card one too many times and I went to the sink and washed my hands of you.

Now I am finally angry - and you know what it FEELS good! It feels so much better than the piny, pathetic girl who kept thinking the best of you and being gracious. No more wasting my time on you.

So you go on and sit out there in nowhereville, hiding behind that mask of non-committal nonchalance. I have better things to do with my life, things that won't include thoughts of you anymore.

Funny how getting mad can help you get over!

I will still be "Nice Mellissa" to those who are deserving of my kindness and generosity. You are just not one of those people who will see that side of me again.

Thoughts On A Blog

I was thinking about our conversations today, trying to remember some of the things we spoke of while we were together. I was trying to remember what it is that I remember about you so fondly.

What were the words we actually spoke to each other? What were the topics that were strung together like little pearls to make this imaginary strand that I value so much? I wonder to myself if it was the actual words you spoke that made me slowly fall in love with you, or the tone and laughter. See, that is what I remember the most about the words we spoke to each other. I remember the laughter breaking in between the words, but today I really wonder what we spoke of that filled countless hours.

When I think of you, which is often during the day, I find myself wondering how you are - how are Auburn and Jordan doing...how is your brother and mother. Does your back hurt today?

I remember so many things about you, little vignettes that I can see in my minds eye. You stand at the stove with one hand out, fingers rigid. No one else does that. You constantly have a piece of Juicy Fruit gum in your mouth and like to wear those black gym shorts around the house. You have way too many white tee shirts and a spray bottle on your sink with a bit of water in it for your hair, which you have cut much too often.

I remember Valentines Day, eating take out food in front of the fire. That was the first night I stayed in your house. I loved it there. I remember always being cold at night because I like lots of covers and you like only a sheet covering you in sleep. I loved showing up one day and noticing that you had put a small electric blanket on my side of the bed so I would be more comfortable. I guess that reminds me that February and March were still a bit cold here in Georgia. I wonder how this winter will be? I will most likely be alone here at my own home, with a featherbed and a fluffy down comforter to snuggle in....but not you next to me.

I remember the way we kissed each other, the first time and countless times after. It was magic, we were matched well even though I had to get on my tip toes to curl my hand along the back of your neck. It never mattered to me in those moments that I was not 5'9" and blond. I was the perky 5'6" brunette who loved you and showed it.

I think about the fact that we never went to the movies together at any time from January to September....that strikes me oddly enough. I do remember the High Museum and seeing Andrew Wyeth on that rainy Saturday, followed by bison burgers at Ted's. That was the day another man called me from Texas, asking me to try again - to work with him towards marriage and children. I said no to him - because my thoughts were only of you and the absolute goodness that I found in you. There was never a doubt in my mind that I only wanted to look forward...towards you.

I remember soap box derby and the playground outside the church and driving up towards the mountain ridge and the tree that peeked out from the darkness. You wanted to go back and photograph that tree - but I don't need to - you see I remember that picture vividly in my minds eye. I can see it now. The date, January 28th.

There are a few men now who want to get to know me. I don't want to let them. I don't want to try right now. I am still remembering too many things about the past. Maybe it is just taking inventory so I can move forward, but my feet and my heart don't really want to climb another mountain right now.

So as I complete this post today, and remember you - there is one thing that I can't remember...and that is exactly what the words were that made me fall so deeply in love with you.

Hiding Out for the Holidays

Hard to believe Fall is here! Everything is so beautiful in Atlanta right now with yellow being the first choice of color for most of the trees showing off for us.

I am sitting in the kitchen at my desk, looking out the front window at the leaves falling and birds hopping around looking for a bite. It is a good reminder for me to go get some seed to help them through the coming months.

I am getting ready for my next three events, one of which will take me to Geneva, Switzerland the first week of December. I have not been in Geneva since 2001, so I am looking forward to being there again and making a visit to Bucherer to see what is new in the jewelry shop that is my favorite. I will be there from December 8th to the 16th. Brrr...

After Geneva, I am headed over to Paris where I will remain until just before Christmas. It will be nice to get ready for the holidays over there, shopping for unique gifts for my family and friends and enjoying my favorite city in the world. That is my Christmas present to myself. Just being where I love. I plan on taking the Eurostar into London for a night and visiting some friends there and, of course visiting the Queen - HA HA.

All-in-all I am beginning to embrace this single stuff. My ex-husband just let me know that he had our marriage annulled and it cracked me up that the Catholic church has such convenient ways - such as the ability to say that 13 years of marriage were "null" and most likely a figment of my non-Catholic imagination!! (sorry to all the reading Catholics - no offense intended, but it is a joke in the eyes of the rest of us!). I am not angry with him, don't get me wrong. It is just more of a eye rolling and head turning slowly side to side reaction.

So, not much other news from my side and work is calling me back to attention.

I hope you all are doing well!

xoxo,
Mellissa

A Real Steal

Last night I attended a charity dinner and auction in Atlanta. It was a wonderful event to raise money for one of the places I volunteer.

You can't imagine my surprise when I saw a painting by Thomas Swanston on the silent auction display!!

I bid on it and kept checking back throughout the evening to make sure no one outbid me on the piece which I had seen last year at an exhibit at the Lowe Gallery here in Atlanta.

Thomas is a graduate from the Parson's School of design in New York, and I love the colors he uses in his work.

I am now the very proud owner of this piece, which reminds me of Fall and will hang in my bedroom for me to enjoy every day!!

A great event overall - and a big steal on this piece of art. I just love a win-win situation!

xoxo,
Bug

Digging Up

I wish I wasn’t such a deep thinker. If I could change one thing about myself, it would not be thinness or less wrinkles, it would be superficial thinking.

“I’m not even thinking about Christmas” he said, offering the simple prime number in response to my algebraic equation of thought.

“That’s it.” was my response (to myself). I need to think in simple nouns instead of the action creating verbs or better yet my favorite hopeful adjective streams. My thoughts are too complex; too deep. I need to bring it to the simplistic. I think like college linear algebra instead of kindergarten flash card addition.

1 – 1 = 0 instead of e1Π +1 = 0 (Euler’s equation which contains all nine basic concepts of math and still ends in nothing!!)

So in closing, I am sitting here thinking deeply again – about the process of thinking simply. The irony is certainly not lost on me!

xoxo,
Bug

Seasons Change

It is hard to believe that Fall is here again. The air this morning is crisp and leaves are falling, covering the back patio. It is time to put the sleeveless shirts away and freshen the sweaters. It is time to tuck away the hope of Summer and face the coming Winter months.

It is also time to close the chapter. I lingered over the final chapter in our book, waiting to see how I would write the ending, hoping secretly that if I waited the ending might be different. I wanted the girl to win in the end, to capture the heart of the man she loves. But, seasons change and stories have to come to an end.

So last night I finished the final chapter. The girl did not win in the end. She tucked away the Summer dreams along with the thin cotton shirts and shorts. She removed the dreams of June with each pair of sandals she tucked into boxes and placed on the top shelf.

As she dressed in jeans and a sweater to start her day, she felt a sense of peace and calm. She opened the door to the cold air and breathed in deeply. "Fall and Winter are beautiful seasons." she thought as she stepped through the door and closed it behind her.

The closing of doors, the changing of seasons, the final chapter complete.

Circles

There are times when I sit back and think about what I am, who I am and the things that move me or habits I have. I find that the older I get the more I stop during the day and have little vignettes of thoughts or impressions about life. It is an amazing feeling. Just the clarity of my thoughts.

As I am sitting on the plane today, I am watching a mother with a baby; he is about 7 months old and is a bit of a good mimicker. If I stick out my tongue, he does too and then he smiles in triumph at his ability to mimic me.

Being back in San Francisco was a bit hard on me. As I walked from my hotel room to the lobby to go to work, I looked out and saw that beautiful city gleaming off in the distance and I started to tear up. It was because I completed a circle in my life. I closed the loop on an open thread. The last time I was here I was 24 years old, newly married and full of dreams. This is where my adult life began. I started married life here, my professional life here and faced my weaknesses here, my youth portal.

So standing back in this city again, now 38 years old was something to face. I looked back at the past and dealt with the fact that my life is not at all what I pictured when I saw this view last time. I missed Ted at that moment and wanted to call him but it was too late to ring him on the East coast. I felt really alone at that moment. Not lonely, just alone. I realized how different things are now, how it really is just me out here making my way in the world.

I also notice men now – not in the way you think, but I notice the ones who are protecting the woman they love, cloaking her, cuddling her, whispering to her and I can feel exactly what is going on there. I remember that feeling and it is so interesting to me now to witness it in action, in the third person. I am totally separate from it but my spirit jumps a little because it remembers when I used to have that. It is like muscle memory, or being able to navigate your house in the dark. Your soul remembers things too. It calibrates your life and remembers.

It is a funny reality for me now – that there is no one waiting for me. No matter where I go. There is no one waiting…..and that is o.k. For the first time I can really say “it’s o.k.”

Mellissa

Off Again

Good morning,

Well, it is time to go again. I am off to Los Angeles this afternoon to work for a few days before heading up to San Francisco to meet with my team and take a Saturday to enjoy the city I lived in in the early 1990's.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Things have been rather hectic around here getting ready for our worldwide conference for Information Technology. I am excited to re-united with many of my colleagues from around the world. That is the nice part of my job - the people I work with are great and it will be good to come together again, just like we did in Barcelona in June. This time I plan on sleeping a bit more though.....

More from the road!

xoxo,
Bug

We Were

Two then we were
Peacefully sleeping,
When there in the dark
Your lips began keeping
Company with mine
Hands intertwined.

Eyes fluttered open.
Dreams became broken
With the sweet reality
of your hands upon me.

One then we were
Fully awake,
here is my heart
It's all your's to take.

"I've never needed"
The words were repeated
Then softly retreated
Back into my soul.

I said it instead
with no words in your bed.

Volumes were spoken
Words had no place.
It was all in the moment
The look on my face.

Two then we were
Return to sleeping.
There is a story
My heart is now keeping...

A Person In A Dog Suit

I haven't written about my dog, Margaret Mitchell (Maggie) in a long time and she wanted me to let you all know that she is still around and running the house with me!

She put on her new Winter coat and Fall sweater so you could see that she is still as fashionable as ever. Whenever we do our daily three miles at Chastain she is quite the star attraction.

And no, she is not always dressed up....she gets to go in the stream and dirt and woods and be a spaniel too. Like her mother, she embraces both sides of her girlness!

xoxo,
Bug

I Am Drunk (not really)

I am drunk
No - not stinking.
Just a buzz
'Cause I was drinking.
Irish Cream
Too large a glass.
For me
A novice drinking lass.
Now I'm yawning
And it is dawning
That sleep is coming
To take me away.
The perfect ending
To the perfect day!

4/00

Is This What Your Rationale Sounds Like?

Authors Note: This is NOT about me or the way I think..just saying, before anyone asks me...

Why do we chase the elusive?
Why do we give to those who don’t deserve it and withhold from those who do?
Why do we try to do a song and dance

For those who will never give us credit for our talent?
Compliment those who really are undeserving?
Is it that we can’t see the truth, or are just willing to do anything to get someone to love us?

Here, look at me…I can be good enough!
Here, listen to me, I have changed myself and now think like you do!

Is that what you wanted?
Here, over here…You are the one, you are the catch!

You are my ideal of perfection. The best I have ever known in my life
If we work really hard we could be perfect together.
I will even be sad again to be with you.

I will leave true goodness behind to be with you again.
I guess it really was not that bad before.

It just must have been me that caused all this.
Since I am willing to change my DNA for you, we will be happy.

You are the only one who matters. I will matter simply because you accept me.

Reversioner's thinking. It is never a good thing.

There Is

There is such sweetness here that I want to stay forever. There is so much love that I have for you in my heart that I strain to keep the words hidden safely behind my teeth.

Once you said that the simple things make a relationship last forever. I know my forever could be with you, walking Maggie, cooking a simple meal together, working around the house, our incessant talking and bursts of laughter. I really like who you are.

When we come together in the quiet times of our day, you are my sheltering tree. You are the place I want to run to for refuge; hiding under your branches until I feel safe enough to come out. You are my sentinel, my compass and my beacon.

When something magical happens it is you that I want to tell first, just as you are the first I want to talk to when a hard decision needs to be made or I doubt my own stance on something. You never take my joy for granted, nor my worry too lightly.

Thank you for allowing me to take shelter with you again for a short while. I feel strong enough to go it alone, but will miss you and the sweetness There Is with us.

Mellissa

What's Inside

Inside of you there is a twist of molten metal.

Your surface hides it for a while.

But skin is fragile and cannot hold your contents for long.

The metal burns through, bearing sharp edges.

You cut those around you as you become exposed.

How sorry I feel for them.

Inside of you there is a twist of emotions.

Your smile hides it for a while.

But smiles are fragile and cannot contain your fangs for long.

The emotions burst through, in spite and venom.

You puncture those around you with hate.

How sorry I feel for them.

Your hands tend the wounds you inflicted.

You look at it as kindness

Not realizing it is you who caused the damage

As the wound becomes infected, you recoil

And chastise the person for being careless around metal and fangs.

Never fully comprehending, they were a byproduct of you...

The Dangers of Communicating with Girlfriends of Mine

Good morning! It is a new day and I am over the hump of yesterday. I have some things to accomplish and the sun is shining in that beautiful Fall morning light that makes me feel cozy!

As you all know I have a great group (posse) of 6 girlfriends. We travel together, pray together, look out for each other, share clothes & gossip and act as the family unit for each other as we are all single living a distance away from our families.

The men in my life always hear about "the girls" and generally like them and somehow always seem to make contact with them, I think to have a bit of an "in". Well, I would say that this is a double-edged sword.

You see, not only are we loving of each other we are EXTREMELY protective of each other. It is the mess with the bull and get the horns kind of thing! Well, last night after listening to me tell about my day and seeing me cry over something really thoughtless that someone did. One of the girls took matters on.

You see the man had emailed her earlier in the month, being friendly, chatty, etc. trying to get a bit of an insight from my friends. Well, that coin has another side. Last night I saw an email that she sent him that would melt the skin of a rhino.

Ouch, I would have hated to be the one reading that..... They are waaay meaner than I am. I guess that whole "write and share with the girls" thing backfired on him.

Sorry Joe - you messed with the Bull.....

xoxo,

Bug

Today

I woke up heavy hearted this morning and reflective. Turning over events of the past couple of years, wondering why it happened. Feeling a loss again of my best friend, wishing that I had been cherished, wondering if something is wrong with me.

A phone call came this morning from a new person I allowed into my life, delivering a bad blow to me. I kept listening, not speaking, not having the words to say anything, but reeling and feeling myself sicken. I could only reply something short and press the button to end the flow of words coming in my direction. I don't have the heart or the stomach to deal with this anymore. I didn't have the emotional ability to "play nice" and be understanding. Not today.

You see, today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. I did not need anymore hurt to remind me. But more hurt I got.

xoxo,

Bug

P.S. To the person who called me today, and who is logging on to read this blog. Please go away. You are not welcome here. I hope when you look in the mirror, you are ashamed of yourself.

Some Things Never Change

What can I possibly add to this wonderful sentiment? Actually, a lot - but I won't. I will just go to bed instead.

Night All!

Bug

The "Break" Up

It was a wonderful love affair – for two years. The American and the Italian. We were a “signature” item. We spent almost every day together, joining up just after my morning shower. When we were out, people took notice, came closer, gave compliments.

We were a great team…until the worst scenario….we had traveled together to Switzerland and then on to Barcelona. That is where it all fell apart. Just like most other days, I reached for my love just after my shower and before getting dressed…

That day was a big change – you see, it was the “break” up. I forgot to be careful. I forgot how fragile a thing it was. We have been apart now for four months. Others have played a stand in role in the meantime, but never captured the “essence” of me. But today changed all that. Lunchtime came and we found our way back to each other….in Nordstrom, a boutique department store in Atlanta.

I was walking into the hair salon when I spied my love…waiting patiently for me to notice and draw closer. I did notice and my eyes sparkled again. We were re-united right then and there.

Now we are together again…and tomorrow’s post shower routine will commence…as if time had never passed. I made a promise to Dolce & Gabana from today forward. I will never "drop" you like that again.

Sing with me people.... ((cues music))

"Reunited and it feels so good.

Reunited 'cause we understood.

There's one perfect fit

And, sugar, this one is it

We both are so excited

'Cause we're reunited

Hey, hey"

Occlusal Adjustment Equilibration

Definition:

Bite adjustment which reduces overloading forces by reducing heavy contacts through gentle recontouring of tooth structure.

Outcome:

My mouth hurts!! Not the best way to start your day... I guess I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep and got my bite off....note to self...RELAX!!

One of My Favorites - Asparagus...

This was my dinner last night. One of my favorite things is Asparagus. I guarantee if you try this recipe you will be hooked. I learned this from my best friend, Pascale in Switzerland...she got the love of pumpkin pie from me - I got asparagus wrapped in ham!!

You will need:

1. Boursin Cheese (pronounced Bursan) - I like the cracked black pepper variety.
2. Olive Oil
3. Fresh asparagus
4. Thinly sliced dried ham - such as prosciutto di Parma (procuitto)

Buy good quality asparagus, the fattest stalks you can find. In preparation, you will snap the stalky end off the asparagus - nature tells you where by the flex point. It will snap where it is supposed to. Just bend the end down and let it pop.

Allow your Boursin to come to room temperature as it is a spreadeable cheese made with fine herbs and my favorite is the Black Pepper. You will spread about 1 tablespoon per each cluster of asparagus to be baked.

Choose three to four asparagus stalks and place them on top of the slice of parma ham. Put a tablespoon of Boursin in the midde, and bring the ends of the ham together to close the bundle of asparagus. Repeat this until you have made the desired number you wish to serve.

Drizzle a bit of olive oil in a baking dish or a pan and place the bundles on top. Lightly drizzle olive oil over the top and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for approximately 15 minutes depending on the size of your asparagus stalks. Small stalks can also be used, cooking about 7 minutes.

You will need nothing on top - no salt or pepper. The cheese will become melted and the ham will crispen and provide the salt for the dish.

I love serving this with a filet de bouf and fingerling potatoes with fresh parsley.

Enjoy!

Bug

I would rather you hate me than leave me

Blog note: This post is NOT written about me - rather about my impression of a statement said to me by another. Sometimes my Blog is a newsletter, and other times just a way to write down my thought progression. This is one of those examples...

“Please pray for my foster mother so that she and I can be friends and that she will love me. And for my real parents, please pray that they get what they deserve for abandoning me.”

How can I pray for the woman who beat you repeatedly, who turned her eye to your abuse by men? I don’t have the courage to pray for that request. I instead will pray for her soul and that God has mercy on her when she faces him.

Is it worse to be left behind that to be abused? In some minds, at least negative attention is less painful than being ignored. Not in mine, but then again I don’t have that broken history to live with.

I have been in a relationship that was, at times, verbally abusive. I would have rather had the abandonment than the harshness. At least in solitude there is peace. Luckily, no one in my life has raised a hand to me. God help them if they did, because I am a bit of a hellcat and you would all know me as the woman who “shot that man in the penis” than the sweet, lovable girl I am!

Anyway, I digress. I was thinking tonight on my way home about the levels of abuse we submit people to and are submitted to. I feel very lucky and blessed that while I can dish a heaping spoonful in the direction needed at times, I have never emotionally hurt another. I have never cut someone to the quick and left them to recover while I sat in haughty appreciation of my skills with the verbal knife. I haven’t left someone with words that still come around and threaten their confidence. It is hard to turn the other cheek and I usually find myself reeling by a personal attack – most often less on the defensive than just feeling wounded and betrayed and unable to speak.

So, before I head off to have a bite of dinner and read for a bit, I want to ask each of you who reads this to take stock of yourselves. Please try to give someone in your life a little extra kindness this week. You never know, you might just be the balm that helps heal the wound inside them. There are a lot of walking wounded out there…..

God Bless –

Bug

Everest

Today I made a hasty exit. I had been too exposed and withdrew immediately. I don’t like being vulnerable and tend to keep safe by keeping to myself.

I know that is not the right way to be, but as the years progress I find that my ability to open up to another is harder. It is my Everest. Today I went to base camp and was left feeling the need to go back down. The air was too thin and I was afraid. No matter how skillful the guide, trust is not easily given in my world anymore. I am not ready to climb mountains. I think a quiet path along a stream is more my comfort zone right now.

Xoxo,
Bug

Dream House

If I could pick a home, I think this would be it! No one could reach you if you wanted to be left alone, there would be no sounds of cars whizzing by or people going through your garbage can and you could go outside in your underwear with the dog!!

Yep, this would be the place, and I would change my name to Heidi and run around barefoot in all that grass and buy a couple of cows and a goat named Molly and sing the "The hills are alive with the sound of music" while wearing traditional Swiss dress and eating Gruyere cheese and Sprungli chocolate.

Good grief, I have lost my mind - I need to go to work.

xoxo,
Bug

p.s. that is a REAL house - I took a picture of it from my train window on my way from Lucerne to Interlaken Switzerland..my guess is that it is a cheese storage house though...

Shhhhh, NO MORE TALKING.....

Why did you call me now? What was the reason you decided to chat with me at 2:20 a.m. and call back at 2:40 a.m. Yes, I was awake, yes I laughed with you, was coy with my answers and tried to seem o.k. with it. But I am tired of this scenario!!

We were together for 7 months - SEVEN MONTHS and you could not move forward with me and now this? Now that I have done the work, cried the tears and stepped towards what is in front of me and you want to know if I want to come for dinner, you want to tell me that you learned to care for others from your relationship with me, you want to tell me that you stepped back into your past and finally closed that chapter?

Well I can't talk this way with you...you see, I am TIRED of this scenario with the men I allow into my life. They don't know a good thing till it's gone and I am left to pick up the pieces and move forward...only to have them call me in the usual three month time frame wanting to be friends with me, wanting to have my laughter back into their lives, wanting that woman who inspires them to be greater than they were, think larger than they did, love bolder than they had before, express themselves physically more than they had before.

Well I just can't do that. Thank you for calling...it is now 3:15 a.m. and I am tired..in more ways than one.

Why does the past always come back to haunt?

Revisiting

Up, up – pushing with legs to reach a bit higher. I was laughing and wanted to jump off, just like when, as a child I sat – full of motion in a spot like this.

The last of the pre-fall nights, still warm enough for sleeveless shirts and bare legs found me feeling alive again.

The difference was, that you were there beside me, swinging even higher. Shoes off and smiling.

What a great way to end an evening with someone you enjoy. Nothing fancy, just swinging on the playground.

Jessica Eh?

Tonight my date said I was like Jessica Rabbit....

Yum...

Night!

xoxo,
Bug

My Heart Is In Motion

I was recalling a conversation I had with my mother a few months back. She and I were talking about volunteerism and how important giving back to others is. I had gone through a little rough patch the past few months, and was pretty down on myself. My mother reminded me that it is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are busy helping others. It is sometimes necessary to take the attention you are giving yourself away from yourself and give it to another.

So I made a decision that I had been pondering over for a few months and gave someone a "yes" answer. I was scared to death when I said it out loud, and was teary for half the day that I was due to begin my volunteering. I was afraid and I was not worthy. I was about to face myself head-on and know that I have never experienced pain like they had, and that my sadness was just a spoiled girls pity party. You see, they know pain - I merely know disappointment.

The sad truth is that every year, the Department of Family and Children's Services removes thousands of children from unhealthy homes. Most people believe that they just go to Foster Homes and that is the end of it. Do you ever think about the children that are so horribly abused that they cannot function in a normal environment? I had not. There are children who are abused physically or sexually over many years by parents or protectors. These children do not understand the idea of "home" as their homes were their torture chambers, not their protected spaces. It is a horrific truth. It humbles me and brings me to tears.

You see, these children need special care. They need intensive therapy. They need reinforcement of what a healthy adult relationship looks like. They need to have gender identity, they need love, they need stability. If you say you will be there - you must be there...for everyone else in their lives let them down. I have decided to be there for as long as it takes.

I have a group of 14 children between the ages of 12 & 17 who have asked for someone to come and talk to them about faith, about God, about love. They needed someone to pray with them and help them understand. I was asked to be that someone. It took me two months to say yes. A large part of that is because of the untimely death of Teri Niles this year. For those of you who know me, you know how painful and significant that passing was to me.

So, in turn - I would like to ask each of you that stop by to read, to say a prayer for me, or send positive thoughts my way when you meditate or have your quiet time. I sure could use the re-enforcement as this is a pretty tough crowd. No more thinking about me....and my disappointments. I am a lucky girl. I have never known true hurt in my life.

Thanks all.

Mellissa

Oh DEAR LORD

I keep having little flashbacks to last night....and shake my head and sigh just the faintest sigh...and smile to myself....

6'4", 260 lbs, legs like tree trunks, blue eyes, extrovert, loving father, mountain, successful, handsome, gentle. I was caught off guard thinking we would be great friends...until he leaned over and kissed me - for three hours....

(((sigh)))

xoxo,
Ladybug

Oh NANCY - PUHLEEZ

Do you all know this woman?? I have kind of a sick relationship going on with Nancy Grace. I happen to catch her on CNN and have a really hard time changing the channel even though I feel pretty nauseous just hearing her voice.

She touts herself as a Childrens' Advocate..but really, she is only advocating herself...and her opinion. It is really odd to watch..and you should hear my impersonation of her...it has gotten pretty good...which is a SAD thing. I think her facial expression over there on the left says it all!

Vanilla

"Is it so bad to be vanilla?", I thought in response to your comment. I miss the vanilla moments in my life.

I miss the comfy white cotton underwear and tee shirt, you know, the kind you wear when life is real and you are not trying to be a hot fudge sundae...you are just natural vanilla in its simplistic beauty.

I miss waking up on a Sunday morning, my face fresh from the shower, no makeup painted on like Neapolitan, strawberry for the lips, chocolate for the eyes...I love the days when my man sees me in my purest...my vanilla face. The real me.

I miss looking up in the middle of the night into eyes that know my soul, and hands that know what I love. Nothing spectacular needed to impress, no inventive flavors, no sprinkles for adornment.....You see, for me, when you truly make love - you just need vanilla. Nothing satisfies your appetite for sweetness quite like it.

Don't get me wrong. I am a master at all the flavors, but somehow, right now in my life I sure would love a little "vanilla".

xoxo,
Bug

What's Up With THAT?

You all know that I just love Williams-Sonoma, love to cook, love to get the catalogue, have All-Clad stainless steel cookware and KNOW how to use it...but I gotta draw the line.

Today as I was thumbing the new arrival...something caught my eye...and you all know how much I love a good rant about a "stupid" thing I see. I think the last time was when Pottery Barn was selling small bags of sand for $8.50..anyway, I digress.

Now, here is the topper. For $49.95 (yes, that is what I meant to type) you can buy a SAUSAGE to serve your guests....(I am quite sure you do not get the cute bayleaf garni shown in photo).

WHAT? Since when do we have to pay $50 for SAUSAGE - and yes, I have to keep capitalizing it - for the impact of how I hear this in my head! O.k. so who cares if it is super duper Italian truffle-fed by Sophia Loren pig, free ranging around the Tuscan countryside. It is still mashed up pig parts stuffed into intestine casing...local markets carry this for $7.99 per pound and I am not even going into the Publix Brand for $5.00 per pack.

I swear - I just gotta go to bed.

P.S. Had a date tonight...was so gonna cancel at the last minute but decided against it. He ended up being nice. But who can think about that when I have all this important rant stuff to talk about.

xoxo,
Bug

Good Evening

Hi there,

Well, as you can see - I am back...it was a nice little break, but now back to blogging as usual!

It is really nice to write again for a smaller readership. On Ladybug, my original Blog, I was getting between 250/300 readers a day. I thought it was a bit too much when you could "Google" Pottery Barn and my site would come up in the first 5 hits...then you know it is time to scale it down a little. I had an amazing year on that Blog. We had the "Cheater Frenchman"...remember him?? Well, girls were also "Googling" his name and guess where they ended up...you got it...so I had lots of emails - all the same line of questioning...I had a lot of laughs just reading and deleting those and thinking "oh, poor girl - you have NO idea what you are getting yourself into." Then there was Footman...yes, a man who happened to notice a picture of me on the Blog with my foot exposed and off he went to pay homage to me on his fetish website...after finding out about the event, I asked him nicely to remove it - and he complied..who would have ever thought!

So you all have been with me through three jobs and two boyfriends, and the suitors that come along from time to time, lots of travel and gossip, the death of one of my readers who became a dearest friend and some serious stuff about my heart and the way I think. For those of you who still follow me and have found the site, thanks for reading along and for laughing with me through the last couple of years.

You will notice that I will re-post many of my Blogs from 2005/2006. None have comments remaining and that is a shame, because I enjoyed those sometimes more than writing!! I erased all the comments when I took down the original Blog.

So, here we go again....let's play!

xoxo,
Ladybug