Longing

I am longing for the beach. I want to feel the sand between my toes like powdered sugar and my hair begin to join strand-on-strand from the salt spray.

I want to feel the way my nose stings at the end of the day from the kiss the sun gave it when it thought it was well hidden, and the way the shower perks up each of my pores with fresh water as I wash away the the lotion and sand.

I want to wear white linen shorty skirts and sandles and a pink tank top with my baseball hat and sunglasses and ride like a kid on my bike again - nowhere to go, but everything to see.

I want to eat a sandwich at a road-side joint where there are pic-nic tables sitting under cabanas and Australian pines dropping needles to soften the ground around you and there is music playing that you know from days gone by and can sing along to.

I want to wake up early and go to the shoreline to watch the sun come up - to see the colors of the morning before the sun speaks harsh words to them and makes them retreat till the cool of evening.

I want to watch little children playing with buckets and shovels - building garble that makes their parents clap their hands with pride. You know the ones - the sandled and white-nosed, floppy hatted babies with little rounded bellies showing - they going to cary those memories forward, just like we do now.

You see, today I woke up longing - for water, sand and simplicity. I wanted to escape this place for a while.......and by dreaming on paper, I have...

Ladybug

I Told You I Was Going Back...

I went back to the slave master Julio today. Man, this is gonna be rough. I never should have quit because there is SO much to re-remember. Julio asked if I could be ready for a competition by October....Uh NO Julio, I don't think so Muchacho!! Right now all our movements are slower than normal so my feet can make that connection again. Imagine how I am going to die when we put it to the full rythm...which is about twice this fast in the real dance as what you see here.

Back To Dancing

It has been too long and I was really rusty today when I met with my teacher. He is so insistent on every step being correct!! We worked on this one cross break sequence for 20 minutes straight! I could not really enjoy myself because I was thinking about leading with my heel or staying fully on my toes. I did have one moment where I totally goofed off and had fun. I sped this up a little cause it made me laugh watching it!

I finished in an hour and left with burning calves and a headache. But I will be back again tomorrow ;-)

Nothing Like...

There really is nothing like a big hunk of a man....

Getting Mad

After my appointment with David today and writing some missives about my life right now I felt defeated and tired. I headed up to bed to try to have a few hours of escape from that little gerbil that has been on the wheel non-stop for months. I laid there for 30 minutes and the longer I did, the madder I got. I flipped back the covers and threw on a pair of jeans and headed out. No more of this. No more waiting around for the answers. They are all inside of me and it is up to me to fix this - and I will.

First order of business. Dance. I headed up to the dance store for a new pair of Latin dance shoes, the professional latin 2.5. Now I have all three required heel heights from the Ballroom standard 1.5 inch to the Latin 2.5 to the American Smooth style lace up practice 1 inch soft shoe. Next stop, the Ballroom Studio where I once practiced three days a week, 1 hour each time. I had legs that were amazing, I moved with grace and felt the very core of my feminity during that time. Bingo - that was part of what I needed again. Julio and I will dance Ballroom waltz and Foxtrot tomorrow and Thursday at 2 p.m. and Andrew and I will dance Tango and Rhumba in Latin style Friday and Saturday. No more waiting. I am mad as hell and I am gonna take all that out on the dance floor. I am a beautiful dancer and a sensual woman. Time to recapture that magic that lives inside of me.

As I was driving home full of energy to throw on my running shoes and hit my three mile track around Chastain Park, I realized that I have let myself down. I did this and it is up to me to fix it. I began to remind myself of who I am, who I fought so hard to discover three years ago when I had to start over.

I am a writer and a photographer, I am a dancer and firey Southern woman. I am audacious and witty and a lot of fun to be around. I am a traveller and an adventurer, I have seen the world and stood in awe in front of such beauty that I found out there. I am a dreamer and a kindred spirit and I am compassionate and strong. I let myself get down, I abandoned me and I started to doubt myself and my worth. I got sad and I got lost. Today I just plain out got mad...and in the process think I opened a door for myself, to return to myself. Today I made the connection and I hopped out of bed and back into life. The picture above this paragraph is the most like who I really am. Greg captured me right after saying something really goofy and when I looked at the photograph again this afternoon, I realized how much I let her go and how much I have missed her!

I know there will be days where I have to keep working on what was broken, but I made a promise to myself to validate myself and be as good to me as I am to others. I think that is o.k. and I am looking forward to it.

Oh, and here are the new shoes that will help carry me along ;-)

And for anyone who reads this and thinks I am full of myself, yes today I think I am....and that is o.k. because as David said, it is not being selfish to nourish self!

xoxo,
Bug

Resentment

I resent you. You are a coward!!! You destroyed everything we made and you are still hiding out from life.

You let me down when I never let you down. People ask me questions sometimes, like did I do "something" or was I unfaithful or did I somehow cause this to happen and I didn't DO ANYTHING - EVER!! You deserted me and you took our life away. When I couldn't meet your needs and keep on providing your amniotic fluid you aborted me.

I am a person who was discarded. That is how I see myself in life. Someone that was discarded, someone that is easily discarded and of no real value. But I do have value, I just need someone to SEE that in me and want to keep me and hold on to me. You broke that delicate thing in me and I kept on playing nice. I even had you over for Christmas so you wouldn't be alone that first year, even though you had no issues of leaving me alone when you filed for divorce that August.

I am not in love with you anymore, it is not that, not at all. But I do have to own some feelings about all of this. I resent you and what you took from me. I think it is a joke that you are seeking out religious life and that makes me feel like a blasphemer! But I mean really!! I feel like you can't hack life in the real world so you are going on to another safe place, a place where all your needs will be met and you won't have to reach for anything...and I helped you do it!

I also resent myself. I hate it that I swallowed my pride after you had our marriage annulled after 12 years and that I STILL was there for you, filling out a reference for you for the church to use to determine your suitability for religious life. Do you think that was easy for me?? Do you realize what that did to me? I hate that I did that for you - that I put all my feelings aside once again to be there FOR YOU to help YOU in your life. I am a pushover and that feels horrible to have to say, but I am. I don't respect myself for doing that, for swallowing my needs and choking past them to help you. In that one act, I discarded myself. I played right into that feeling that I don't matter as much as others. That is changing now, or at least I am trying to change that.

So while I have written this to release it now, I note to myself that I did not write that I hate you in any way, or that I don't have the base of understanding that you did the best you could in life. This is merely written from my perspective and out of the need to begin to respect my feelings and what was taken away from me.

I never want to be discarded in life like that again. The damage goes too deep.

Blind Dreams and Other Stuff

I have been having the blind dreams again. I had one yesterday and I hate that!! It is always the same thing - I am usually out driving a car and the sun comes straight in and I can't see so I start squinting and eventually I can't open my eyes anymore. It is so real and the fear hits me that I am going to crash into something, things are all around me and I need to see but my eyes wont open.

Yesterday, however I was on a bike instead of in a car, and for the first time I made contact with something, something rubbed my back tire from behind and I was powerless to see what what happening to me. I am never hurt in these dreams, I have just lost control and can't help myself out of a situation. I never remember the ending but my eyes are sensitive in real life for a day or so after the dream and I am squinty and I fear that in real life my eyes are going to close and not open up again. Pretty odd stuff, I know!

A couple of my posts this last week were homework assignments from my life coach. The one about work and the one about crying. When I can't get an answer out for him, he asks me to write about it because I can express myself more easily through the keypad. Truth seems to come out faster that way.

My Tuesdays have become hard days. It is a mix of anticipation and dread. I call them Tuesday's with David...sort of like that book Tuesday's With Morrie. I am learning a lot about myself and why I react to things the way I do. I am much more cognizant of my thoughts and I worry about the things I do when I am in the middle of doing them. I have started to ask myself "Is this the best thing for ME at this time." I don't always listen to myself, but I guess that will come in time. I think putting my thoughts into action will be the hardest part.

Right now I am struggling over something. I am really struggling hard and I feel really jittery and nervous. I hate that feeling but I don't know how to make it stop. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. I know what it is. I know exactly what it is and it really makes me mad. I won't say it out loud here on the blog but I am really in that "Oh CRAP, not THIS" mindset and I feel powerless over controlling my feelings. I know in the back of my mind the whole scenario and I know that I will get hurt and knocked down. I am angry at myself for being so stupid and powerless and such a freakin' marshmallow. Yelling at myself, however, isn't helping any...trust me, if I could yell my way out of this I would. I keep humming that song "Stupid Girl" in my head. Guess all this is why I had the blind dream again. My subconscious is yelling at me too. BLIND STUPID CHICK...open up your eyes and have a good look.

Well, it is almost noon here in Atlanta so I better stop writing and get on with the plan of the day. I am gonna warn you that the posts here are probably gonna be pretty raw and personal over the next little bit, so if you can't handle it I would just stop reading. If you are going to be judgemental and expectant of fluff and rainbows all the time you might need a break from logging on here. I have a lot of homework to do, and some of it will present itself in my ever-present metaphoric writing style and some just straight up and out. I'm just warning you in advance.....if you are the type that is inclined to leave a hurtful comment then know that I am the type to hold a grudge. Not pretty, but true, so tread lightly and remember this Blog is really for ME, and that is o.k.

M

Easter's Coming....Again

It is hard to believe that another year has flown by. I remember learning about Eintstein's theory that the faster you go, the slower time passes. In effect because you accomplish more in the moment. You live more, see more, experience more; accomplish more in a day.

I don't know about that one. I lived fast and furious last year. Went everywhere, squeezed life out, had experiences that were rich and fulfilling...yet still time flew by and here is another Easter season....as if the last were only a week ago.

I remember this time last year I was in a relationship with Jim. We had been together about three months and he was making plans to go back home to Alabama for Easter. He has a large extended family and they all get together and celebrate. I wanted to go to, I wanted him to ask me to be a part of that. I wanted to go and celebrate Easter with a family. He didn't ask me, chosing to go alone. I stayed home and attended church with my girlfriends and participated in the Easter dinner with Kerri's large Italian family and some friends. It ended up being a nice day, but I still felt alone. I think I wrote a post that day about wanting family...Easter dresses and eggs and the like. Really, I wanted to be a part of him. I wanted that validation of inclusion.

This year finds me in a new relationship. One that is based on friendship with a huge dose of attraction and chemistry, but one that we are allowing to progress naturally and cautiously. Easter is here again and I will still be alone. I have been invited to my girlfriend Angie's house for Easter brunch after church, and again I feel like a stray cat. I want to be with Greg the most, to be around his family a little and spend some time with him while he has a few days away from his work. But the invitation is not there and I have accepted that. Stray cat.

Last night he knew that something was under my calm surface. He knows my patterns already and that bugs me. I can't figure out how it is that he can read me like a book, even when I try to be upbeat and non-verbal...he hears everything. I love that about him, and I hate that about him. There is no hiding out with this man. He is very in tune.

So now it is Thursday and I need to go ahead and set my plans. I need to accept the invitations from my friends for weekend plans, Friday night out, Saturday manicure with Kerri, workout and the gym pretty hard, Sunday church with the girls, and Sunday brunch with Angie. I am not chosing these plans as second best, as I love my girls with all my heart, but I can't help feeling a little down today...because in my heart, I really wanted to be in Jackson....

I hate Einstein at the moment ;-)

Engage - Engage!!

I was thinking about the movie Top Gun today. There is a scene in the movie where after a bad crash Maverick is up in the air again and under attack. He is without his trusted co-pilot and starting again. He can't engage and others are taking the heat - full on. They are calling out to him.. "Maverick we are in trouble here" the commanders are calling in to him "Engage, Engage, get in there and fight." He replies, "It's no good, I can't get the shot, It's no good, no good." He pulls a hard right, away from the action. He is not going to engage. Fear has the better of him.

That is me right now. I have always been that top gun at work. I have identified my entire adult life to date by being that person. I was heat-on in the dog fight and I never lost. Never. I was always the youngest, the woman, the accomplished one who could do anything, prove everything, fight longer, think faster, deliver better, the ace.

Then the crash came. I lost a marriage that was my life center. I went into a tailspin because I could not control the plane. I tried to let it go and tell myself that I can't control everything and I can't control outcomes where another person has a say. It started a three year cycle of change. I kept on going, rolling with it. I pretended it was all the same. I hid the post traumatic stress of it and suited up again. Doing what I knew best. Perform, climb, outsmart it.

I flew countless miles, it was not hard, it was no longer a challenge. I was trained and knew how to roll and adjust and climb to my cruising altitude. Then in December it all changed. I had a new mission. I needed to suit up, and I did what I was asked. I assumed the role but in the heat of the fight I pulled away. No good, no good...I can't get the shot.

Instead of re-engaging in the fight, I have decided to turn towards home. This is not my fight anymore. There is something else waiting in life that refuses to be ingored. It is bigger than the fight, the mission, the plan. It is me.

I resigned my position yesterday with one of the top companies in the world. I walked away from a job that many dream of being asked to do. I feel guilty and I tossed and turned most of the night. I am at a loss and afraid to just go ahead and smile and give myself the permission to just be for a while. I know I have to do that, there is no other choice. For the first time in over 17 years I am without a plan. I am taking a few months away from the corporate world, and I may never again engage myself there. Life is taking me in a different direction. I landed safely and I have climbed out of the cockpit.

I wonder what time off feels like...I guess it is time to smile, and find out.

You Want To Know Why...

I thought about the question you left me with. I have pondered it all afternoon. It was there behind the last of my work day and beside me on my walk tonight. In between flipping the omlette I thought on it again. I am wondering if I know how to answer it.

To me, it is sign of weakness, or of something broken. Why so suddenly do they come up and well over. They give me away don't they? I find that I don't have a really good answer for you at this time, only ponderings. Is it something that I need to release? Perhaphs. It is fear? Probably. Is it something I think is a fault in me? Yes.

I did this in front of someone a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I was confused and embarrassed, and jealous. Yes, jealous. Bingo...there they were...giving me away. There is no pretending it's all good when they show up out of nowhere and reveal me.

I think about that one day a lot. I remember the person said that it made them feel bad like they had done something wrong. I also remember thinking that it was really about me. It was about my vulnerability and my need...to be needed and not always second best.

I made a note that it was not acceptable to do that in front of them again. I guess that is where the apologies came from when they came out in front of you and the question that followed about why I think it is not o.k. to show them. They make people feel uncomfortable....and they make me have to tell the truth.

That's probably not all of it, but it's pretty close on the mark.

Just Being....With You

Let me come to you again. Cover me in your simplicty and the warmth of your embrace. Hold me against you and say nothing; just be.

Let me sit with you a while. Hold my hand, small inside your grasp and paling in your strength. Hold me next to you and say nothing; just be.

Sing to me and play. Swaddle me with the tone of your voice and the sweet chords you make. Let me listen and hum along to the sweetness. I will sit next to you and say nothing; just be.

Lie with me at night. Put your hand along the curve of my hip and connect me to you in sleep. Let me feel the safety of your nest and say nothing, just be.

Let me laugh with you again. Talk to me in Southern cadence like mothers milk so nourishing to my soul. Hold my attention with stories of the past and your dreams. Let me dream those with you....and just be....

I miss you...

C'est Moi!!

On this day the bloom came and I smiled from deep inside myself. I waited a long time to see it, I wondered what it would look like in color and shape.

It is a beautiful deep pink, the edges are soft and full and the petals will be bountiful. I realized that the stem that holds this new growth is strong and will support this flower and allow it to reach towards the sun, and to withstand the rain.

On this day the words came and I smiled from deep inside myself. I wondered if they had left to never return to me in form or imagination.

They are the same, so readily identifiable to me; my style. I realized that the expression that is the verbalization of my heart is strong and will always support me and allow me to dream, to reach towards the sun and to withstand the rain.

Such joy from this finds me today!

Tomorrow

I will sit with you again tomorrow. You will have the notepad and I will have words. I will do just fine for a while until you ask a question that hits a raw spot. I will fight back tears and try to answer you. The tears will win the fight again and I will apologize to you for no reason at the onset.

Fifty minutes at a time we excavate and I know it is helpful, but scraping away the layers is tedious and it hurts at times. I hate that you see through me. I am so used to showing one thing and not being discovered; people take face value too often. Not you.

I have been doing the homework that you assign to me and at times find myself wanting to go back to my cheat-sheet, to the easy way of answering the questions - but I don't. I simply pull out the dictionary and look up the meaning and try to understand it.

We are three layers in and a fourth layer removal is coming tomorrow. I guess it is appropriate as this is the season of renewal. Thank you for helping me tend my garden and prepare my soil, one layer at a time.

Instead Of

Sunday morning is here and the weather is wonderful. It is overcast and a bit cool and the birds are out in full serenade. Hard to believe that Easter is almost here again.

I haven't felt the need to write until last night and even then I didn't. I haven't picked up my camera or my pen in a couple of months. I guess the creativity is on hold for other things right now.

So this morning instead of typing out all my feelings, I will once again go work it out with the pavement. Instead of photographing something beautiful, I will simply fix it in my mind's eye and smile in appreciation for having seen it.

There is a 3 mile loop with geese and rolling greens and trees in bloom. There is a stream with a bridge and the sounds of little league players on the fields that holds my interest. There is a wonderful companion waiting by the door to experience all this with me, hoping to get a swim in that stream.

To that end, I am off to clear my head, and make a memory just for me.

Happy Sunday all,

Mellissa

Hello

Hello, I see that you stopped by last night, long after I was asleep. I wonder if you were looking to see if there was something new. I was touched that you still come by.

Thank you for the little message you left for me late last night. It was a wonderful greeting to wake up to this morning when I signed on the computer.

I adore you..and I miss you.

Touching Feet

Tonight I was reminded about the simple connection of feet touching together before sleep. Just lying there one half across the other with feet intertwined, talking about the day.

Arms wrapped around shoulders and small kisses exchanged between words. Head rested against chest muscles and hair tickling my face from an exhale above me; a movement of life in between words.

Life sure is wonderful when it is simple. For me, one of the simplest pleasures I can remember is touching feet…and catching up.

Ladybug - From A to Z

My Friend Green tagged me today - so here you go hon!

A- Available or Single? – Available. Officially and because my standards are too high for anyone...Sad really!!! (sorry, could not resist)
B- Best Friend? – Kerri my crazy Italian girlfriend who I either want to hug or smack depending on the day!
C- Cake or Pie? – Cherry Pie all the way man or Pecan if I have PMS.
D- Drink of Choice? – Coke Zero.
E- Essential Item? – Um, no comment.
F- Favorite Color? – I like all of them - except yellow. Yellow irritates me.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? – Neither, but I love me some Smarties!!
H- Hometown? – South Florida
I- Indulgence? – Spending time in Paris taking photographs of the city.
J- January or February? - Um, neither!! I looove April!!
K- Kids and names? – Fur kid - Margaret Ann Mitchell "Maggie"
L- Life is incomplete without? Love, family, God, Maggie.
M- Marriage Date? – September 28, 1991...
N- Number of Siblings? – One brother, three years older.
O- Oranges or Apples? Oranges and tangerines.
P- Phobias/Fears? – I have fibrocystic breast disease. Every new lump makes me fearful. I hate going to the specialist for that fearing breast cancer.
Q- Favorite Quote? - "Put your big girl panties on and DEAL with it!"
R- Reasons to smile? - Not too many lately.
S- Season? – I love the Springtime. Its All about renewal.
T- Tag 3 people? – Rebecca, Lori & Marcel
U- Unknown Fact About Me? – I have a lot of hidden anger...because people are rude and unkind and the rest of us have to deal with it and still smile.
V- Vegetable You Hate? – Beets
W- Worst Habit? – Putting everything in the trunk of my car!!!
X- X-rays You've Had? – Teeth, foot, chest, back, leg, neck, face, mammograms, ultrasounds.
Y- Your Favorite Foods? Everything!
Z- Zodiac? – Gemini all the way!

Tell A Story In The Form Of A Love Letter

June 5, 1944

Dear Grace,

Today finds me missing you more than ever. I miss the sounds of you in the kitchen and the smell of coffee brewing. I miss knowing you are only a few moments away from me....

We have been traveling for 6 days now and witnessing some of the worst of humanity out here. I try to keep my emotions inside, because this is not the place for them, but I must tell you the sights here haunt me in my sleep and beat me through my day.

I have been spending time reading the magazines you sent to me. It seems to help relax me for a minute. I find a lot of humor just writing the word "relax" because it is such a forced thing we all do...pretending to let our guard down for even a second.

There are so many things that I want to express to you today, in this letter. I want you to hear my voice in every line as if I had the intimate joy of whispering these things in your ear. You see, you are my everything Grace. You are the first thought when I wake and the last before I sleep. Your voice is the music I long to hear and the sound of your breathing is lullaby I want to enter sleep with.

I know there are many odds facing us right now and I want you to know that we will come through this time, I will do my best to come home to you if it is God's will. This situation in which we find ourselves is beyond comprehension or conclusion and there are times I feel helpless in my own destiny. Thoughts of returning home to you and holding you in my arms keep my footsteps going forward, I want you to know that.

Tomorrow we are making a push onto the beaches at Normandy. There has been a lot of activity which requires our presence alongside our allies, and is our gateway for landing. We should be well in place before you receive this letter from me. I will update you again as soon as I can on our progress. Until then, know that I carry your love as a constant embrace, and return mine to you to carry you in these dark days.

With all my heart,
Bill

Sgt. William Healey
USMC 29th Division

Food 101

A friend of mine is a health nut and likes to cook. I applaud that in him. However - last night he made an attempt to challenge me in the kitchen arena...a move that I don't think was wise...

So, in rebuttal Mr. G... here is my dinner for tonight. Linguine with creamy pesto topped with sauteed shrimp, zucchini, squash, fresh parsley and garlic. You can't imagine how good this was...how was yours honey?? LOL

Just teasing...but don't challenge me again. I have you beat hands down in two areas....and you know it - ha ha ha ha ha!!!

xoxo,
Bug

Thinking About That Bowl

Dear ERF,

Hi there, it's me. I was just thinking about you and how our life used to be when we weren't "I's", you know when we were a "we".

I took Maggie for a long walk this afternoon around the golf course and then headed to Publix to get a few things for the fridge. It is still hard to get used to shopping for one. I used to be so good at the grocery runs - I knew exactly what we needed and what was on the menu for the week. I was always in the kitchen, remember?

I was driving home thinking that a tuna sandwich would be the way to go tonight. Can you believe I haven't made one for three years!? When I was driving home I was thinking about that bowl that I always used to use to make it in. The white one with the blue trim, and then I remembered that I gave it to you to keep when we separated. Funny how things like that make me remember times gone by.

As I stood at the counter tonight, chopping up the celery and onion I was feeling really alone because of my choice of a meal. It was our Saturday afternoon staple because I made the "best tuna sandwich you ever ate." We would each grab a sandwich and sit across from each other on the couch reading or watching a movie on t.v., whiling away the afternoon with no commitments, but to each other. There were two golden retrievers curled up on the floor at either side of us; one for you, and one for me. They are gone now too, like so many things we treasured.

I know things will never be the same for us again, and I am happy that friendship has settled upon us now, some four years later. We are both living our lives and doing the best we can. But you were my best friend for 13 years, and that is something that at times like these I miss.

Well, I am off to toast some bread and then get out the couch to watch a movie. Maggie will be curled up at my feet...but somehow tonight - my choice of dinner - and thinking about the right bowl to make it in made me miss you.

I hope you are well wherever you are tonight.

Love,
Mellissa

Friday Night Tales

It is Friday night and I am sitting home in my blue polka-dot flannel pj's waiting for my Chinese-takeout dinner and picking out a movie to settle in with. I had to go to the doctor again today as I have been having a lot of problems with my lower back and now my neck. It has been out all week and today found me not being able to turn my head to the left. I hate this!! I feel like I am getting old!!

So after a three hour muscle-relaxer induced coma and a good cry, I am up and groggy and hanging out with Maggie...yeah, you just gotta love that dog - through thick and thin, she is always right there with me...on the sofa, on the bed and ruling the house! I bought a little pillow in Chicago that says "A Spoiled Rotten Dog Lives Here"..but you know what..it is she who spoils me, with lots of unconditional love and loyalty. Now there is something to be happy about.

So I think I might have just found myself a friend...who is as loyal as Maggie. I guess that counts for a lot in the grand scheme of things.

Wishing you all a wonderful Friday night...where life might find you!!

xoxo,
Ladybug

Heaping Loads of BullCRAP

You know, I have about had it tonight. Actually, I have had it and I am standing up and saying enough is enough.

Why is it that those of us who are relatively normal are held to a higher standard than those of us who have issues? Anger issues are excused as hurt. "Oh, yes, but they were "hurt" and are trying to "heal" so stand there and take the abuse they dish out because they are just so wounded they can't help it. BullCRAP.

Maybe they have social nervousness so they drink too much and act like complete idiots and act in a hateful manner to those who are supposed to be their friends. "Oh, yes, but you are balanced and socially at ease so while it would not be o.k. for you to get drunk and to that, you need to understand that is how they act, it is not personal." BullCRAP.

Perhaps they are possessive and hold you to a standard that won't allow you to have a bit of leeway or a bad day. "Well, you need to just understand them and try to make it up to them if you weren't available when they needed you." BullCRAP.

Lastly, if a man is talking to you and chatting with another woman at the same time, you aren't supposed to get mad about it because they are just bad "multitaskers" that is why there is silence in your ear and only the sound of clicking keys on the keyboard." BullCRAP.

So tonight I have had enough of all of that. There is a me here too folks and you know what?? I don't have a lot of bullCRAP that I throw on people and just expect them to take over and over. Sorry that I am a normal person without mental, social, control or inconsiderate issues - but I DON'T, and I am sick and tired of making nice and rolling over for those who do.

You all better look out. Pollyanna is pissed off and fed up. No holds barred now, you give it and you're gonna get it right back and I guarantee that you won't like the smell of your bullCRAP when it is thrown back in your face.

Sunday Afternoon Wisdom

As I was walking out of the market this afternoon, two little boys around the age of 8 were standing outside the door with their skateboards. They were having an animated discussion and ended with one boy saying "Yeah, girls are weird."

I laughed out loud, and thought to myself..."You have no idea little men.." then I remembered that a girlfriend of mine was having a similar conversation last night about men...life sure is funny that way. We start out early not getting each other, and we never do!

xoxo,
Bug

Merry-Go-Round

Photograph by Mellissa - Le Jardin Des Tulieries

A merry go round holds fascination for us all. There are brightly colored horses that seem larger than life and for the first few turns they are magic. We dream of riding away on one of them, to escape into a world of amusement and joy.

But then we realize that these horses are all paint and wood and cannot carry us to where we dream. They can only move in a circle and offer us joy until the ride stops. Sometimes we ride again and forget we are in a circle because the music plays and the lights flash and all seems well. But then the music stops and the horses slowly return downward from their imaginary gallop to rest expressionless until the next rider mounts with the same dream.

The thing is, that it is of no matter - it is good to dream. It is good to climb up again and ride with your imagination at full sail. I wish to never forget that because if wishes were horses then beggars would ride!!

LB

Back In The Day

Today I was reminded of childhood, of vacation time and being carefree. I was a young girl with a mischievous twinkle and long brown braids. I was a happy kid.

Today I am thinking of creaking screen doors at the lake house and cantaloupe sprinkled with a little salt and taking our boat out on the lake. Safety and comfort provided by my father. Sun reflecting off ripples in the water. Sandy bottom visible from the dock and small fish looking for food.

I am listing to John Mayer over the computer and just remembering the good days of Summer in the South.

Watermelon put in the stream to chill and mom making lunch was the order of the day. I explored well beyond my boundaries looking for salamanders and ladybugs. My dad gave me my nickname one summer because of that. That is how I became Ladybug.

I had long legs and a never-ending tan – arms filled with bruises from climbing whatever was around me to scale. I need to be higher and see what the view was like. I was never bored. I was still in the discovery phase and the small things brought me joy and wonder.

So now as Winter is here and I am bundled up, drinking a cup of green tea and feeling overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me, I am taking a moment to remember the simple times, the warmer weather…and the joy of times past.

I hope you all are well…and happy this day!

Xoxo,
Bug

Special

You can be in a place among many, yet only one stands out in the crowd. Greetings at the elevator are followed by eye recognition and mental assessment. I remember your name.

Endless discussion about Blogging, politics, relationships and some “why’s” about the way things are. Intellectual conversation for sure…I wish I had asked more than I answered. That is something I am working on – but does not come naturally because I am afraid I will be asking too many questions.

Red’s, Lights, Cognac & Cuba Libre consumed in proper order. Walking towards the Redhead, holding on for more reasons that to keep from slipping and warmth. Great music, good laughter, cut close and blue eyes. Allemand.

So today as I am headed home, I am writing about this, and enjoying the memories of good times with friends both old…and new.

Xoxo,
Bug

Room With A View - And Two

I arrived just fine. Received lots of SMS notes to my phone from friends and co-workers - checking to see if I arrived o.k. It makes me feel good to know that people care about me like that. It makes me feel more connected in this big ol' world.

This is the view from my room - which is really beautiful, but cracks me up!! There are TWO full bathrooms in here! What the heck is up with that? I mean I am a single here..but I guess I will just close the door on one and just use the other. These are the things in life that make me wonder. I guess if I was part of a couple this would make more sense...

Well I am off to dinner - and bundled up tight because it is a cold night here in Chicago. Oh, and the city is just beautiful.

xoxo,

Bug

ChiTown!!

O.K. I am packed and ready - just hope I will be warm enough to face the temps in Chicago!! John Mayer is blasting in the house and the dancing around phase has ended and now the typing one last post before heading off is in progress ;-) It helps calm me and remember the things I might have forgotten to pack!!

I will take photo's from the road, as usual to share with you all! I am really excited to see all my friends again from around the globe as this is one of our international conferences. My friend Steve is coming in from Paris today and we will catch up over dinner tonight, the others all join on Saturday morning and genuine mischief will begin - all good natured and filling to the spirit!

GO BEARS!!!!!

xoox,
Bug

Making Ready

The house is very quiet with the exception of the dishwasher running the last load of coffee cups and Maggie's dishes. The rain has stopped falling and I am ready to head out for some last minute errands before heading up to work in Chicago for a week.

Laundry is completed, folded and put in its proper place, the house is spotless including adjusting the artwork on the walls and putting out fresh candles in the house. Bills are paid and taxes are completed and mailed. I have made everything ready...

The funny thing is, that the process of making ready is an easy one for me. There is not a huge list of things to do or a house to really put in order when you live alone. I was thinking about that today...the simplicity of being solo.

I was also thinking and wondering about when we all became so complacent and comfortable with this...why we don't take more chances to change our lives. It is really better this way, or so perfect and fulfilling that we chose to stay in this safe place and not venture out to something bigger/different/unknown?

I believe that we have become to measured, too set in our ideals and too closed. Actually, I am saying a lot of "we" but I really don't so much mean myself. I was reading someone's blog the other day and I laughed out loud about how they always write "we" this and "we" that. When you read the writings of this person, it is only comical really because the "we" is not accurate to the subject matter at hand as it really is about them just spinning in a concentric circle. Anyway, I digress...

I guess the bottom line is this. I can play this game of being alone and functioning and doing really well - and pretending that it is cool...but you know what - it isn't. This is not me at all. I think big, I dream bigger and I am not happy with dribs and drabs in life or in relationships. I don't want hold back in a relationship or in life. I am tired of being in neutral and waiting for someone to put me in gear in their timetable.

I am putting it in drive today - and living my life according to my wishes, hopes and dreams. And those are full-throttle, windows down and with road trip music playing. Life is too short to stay in neutral.

xoxo,
Bug

Dumb

Dumb, stupid, nonsensical, oblivious, annoying, avoidance, irritation, trivial, weary, over it, ire, dander up, ass on shoulders, frustrated, confused.

Whew - I might not be over it all, but I am gonna fuss like that in my head for the next couple of hours and then move on....and I mean "On"...

So if you have something to say, better pull your head out of your butt and get to talking.

Thank you,

The Management

Meeting Him

I will celebrate with you today. I extend my hand in greeting and take my seat in row next to the others. I will be genuinely happy for you. The text message went off at 7:30 a.m. signaling that you had a newsflash. The one we joked you about during our 4 bottle of wine session Friday night.

He had waited 5 dates - and three months to kiss her. He really liked her and pursued dates with her more than just the calculated fashion of Tuesday night face-to-face and Thursday night chats on the phone. He told his family about her - and how wonderful she is. He took her to nice restaurants and cooked for her and made her slow her pace down to what dating used to be.... we all learned a lesson.

So today we get to meet Giovanni - seven girlfriends together at once. We will be wearing our Sunday best and be polite, never joking the way we do in private. We will be smiling out of genuine happiness and absolute joy for our friend. She is smiling again, she has found someone that just might be something....

Happy Sunday everyone!

Bug

Some Days...

Some days are just plain harder than others. We smile to strangers and get on with our day and keep on doing what we do best...coping with the turns in life. But even during the days when we are smiling on the outside so that no one sees the hurt and frustration..there is a little person on the inside, looking out - and wondering about it all.

I Dream

In the peaceful hour of dusk, I think about you coming home to me, wrapping me in a sweet embrace, your chest rises and falls against my neck. My hands find their place against the flat surface of your back. I exhale, and hold you.

In the quiet moment between darkness and daylight I dream that you are here with me. My hand reaches out to touch your chest, feeling the rise and fall with each breath. Skin warm against my touch. I exhale and curl my body into yours.

Kisses on foreheads and hands held tightly. Love in the moments before sleep and thoughts of you lingering long after winding into my morning.

You see I dream of you, I believe in you and I long for you to come. This house and this heart are waiting for you.

Until then, I dream..and wait.

In The Past

I think a lot about reaching out and how to bridge the gap, but I don’t really know how to do it. Twice now it rang and twice I hit the red button to stop it. Not sure what to say anyway. Better sometimes just to let sleeping dogs lie.

In a world of measuring sticks and uncertainty, it is hard to let go of what we know – or what we thought we knew. It is easier to look back sometimes to what seemed so right to us.

You seemed that way to me. You were the flip side of my coin – the same in value but different in look. Legal tender in either direction it seemed.

Fire and ice, or as someone once said gasoline or water…I am gasoline, I am fire and passion and I smolder inside just waiting to be fanned into life again.

Contentment is all around me, but with that contentment is silence, and a little too much peacefulness. It doesn’t feel normal really – the embers are still burning just under the surface….waiting for fuel.

Taking The Wheels Off

Sometimes in life it is time to grow up and ride free without the safety net. I think one of the hardest lessons in life is to trust that your own power will sustain you and the balance provided by your comfort zone items are not needed anymore.

Greg snapped this photograph at Chastain Park on Sunday while we were out walking Maggie and when I saw it for the first time, I knew exactly what this little boy felt like. There is such a joy to know that you can do it - no matter what it is that you are attempting. This is a beautiful reminder of the freedom we feel upon finally taking off the training wheels and pedalling away at a faster pace..than you ever have before.

The comfort of having those we trust and look up to for protection still close by is the icing on the cake. This is how life should be for all of us - full on, but wearing a safety hat and keeping our protectors close at hand should life make us take a spill.

xoxo,
Bug

Not Gonna Happen Like That....

At the end of 2006 I sat in a spot in Geneva with a friend of mine, talking about life, and the things I needed to do to change mine.

One of the things we discussed was to live authentically, to be true to myself first. It is o.k. to put yourself and your best interests at the top of your life list of priorities.

So today I enacted that principal and put me first. I said "this is not going to work...for me" and I felt absolutely horrible about it. I have become so used to allowing others to be a priority that my knees were weak and I had a lump in my throat..but I did it - I said it out loud and for the first time, in a long time - I made myself a priority.

It felt really good. Life is waiting - and I am learning to live each day - with doing what is best and essential for my health being at the number one spot on the list.

Work has it's place, and so does having a personal life. Today I chose the balance...and am smiling with pride that I had the guts to change it.

Thank you again P - I have not forgotten our talk.

Measuring

This morning is a quiet one here in Atlanta, Maggie has decided to become a traitor and cling to Greg, curled up beside his feet. I am having coffee and listening to the sounds of my neighbor waking next door, the water from her shower running down the pipes behind my head.

This morning I woke up thinking about the way we measure things, or weigh things. Each person has a different system, different tools, and different aptitudes for sizing things up properly. I don't seem to be as adept in math, so my measuring skills are a bit rudimentary in the grand and simple things in life.

I guess I like to measure in the units of "dash", "smidge", "bit", "pinch" instead of "degree", "sign", "sixteenth", etc. I am much less exact in how do describe a measurement, but I know exactly how much I mean.

Relationships are like this as well. Two people are measuring each other, calibrating possibility. The bad thing about that is that it requires the participation of the two people. One can only stand from afar and size the other up for so long before closer inspection is warranted and proper. I mean you don't want to fall in love with a sofa, for example that will never fit in your living room. So you look at it from a far, you like what you see, you read up to make sure the quality is there in the making, and then there is the final - measuring of the piece...and sometimes no matter how much you love something or just think it is what you were looking for, you are afraid that that measurement stick will tell you a completely different story.

My way of completing that would be, "I just loved that, but it was a smidge to long for the room." and then I would move along to what was right for me, but wouldn't soon forget that one I thought was right. I am pulling out my tape measure....and hoping.

xoxo,

Bug

SO Excited!!

It is Thursday night and I am at home enjoying a glass of wine making plans for the weekend. Greg is coming in to see me tomorrow night and I am absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to spend more time getting to know each other.

I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have someone that does not play a game. He is just earnest and sincere and very down to earth. Not at all the type that needs to look around the corner for "next" and that is exactly what I need right now.

It is funny, how twisted dating has become in this day and age. I had had my fill of men coming and going from my life - mostly at my insistence that they move along as they were not healthy for me, nor aligned with my goals. I guess it just took taking time to say that I am o.k. alone and I really am now. Fully o.k. with my own life - and now a little blessing has come along to make me smile.

I hope you all are doing well and looking forward to your weekend plans. As for me - I will be cuddled up in the big arms of someone I like a lot - and smiling.

xoxo,
Bug

POST SCRIPT - WOW - was I ever a moron on this one.

Letters From Home

Today when I came home there was something very special in my mailbox. A letter from home. It is from my mother. She is the very heart and soul of our family and goodness flows from her like no other I know. To be praised from her is the highest compliment I could ever get in my life. You see, she is my teacher and my example and my greatest inspiration when I think of the way I conduct myself and lead my life.

January 7, 2007

Dear Mellissa

I don't tell you often enough how proud I am of you; how good you are in your heart, and in your spirit toward others.

I love you and I know that this year, 2007, will be the year that all your dreams are realized.

With all my love,
Mom


There is no better way to have ended my day. I love you mother.

xoxo,
Bug

Letting You Go

In bits and pieces I have let you go. People ask me questions and I realize that I did not investigate that angle - instead choosing to take the bits you told me and move on. I think when I saw you the last time, with your papers in hand, it was the last act of sacrifice I will ever make for you. I completed, stamped and dropped the parcel in the mailbox and then I prayed - that the Lord would release me fully from the covenant we entered into so many years before. In his amazing mercy and benevolence, he removed you from me and left only peace in the spot where you had been all those years.

Recently, someone asked me "why?" and I told the truth, wondering if they believed me. I know people think there are two sides to every story, each containing only perhaps 75% of the truth, but what I said was accurate and truthful and just so matter of fact. "I was useful and faithful, a good wife. When I demanded to be a priority, he left." It was the truth, not in a twisted way, but just in fact and with no bitterness.

So this is the last of it. I hope to see no more emails from you with subject lines of pain. It is not my job to ease you through loss or talk to you about your dreams. You gave up the right of that when you left me four years ago. I am sorry that you lost your best friend to a tragic death recently. I will pray for you, and for his family...but I wont ask questions, or reach out to you. I have let you go...and I wish you well.

Perfect Morning

I am already missing my vacation time. This is what a morning is supposed to look like. Time to just look out the window, holding your coffee and dreaming about what the day will hold.

Well, I started a new position here in Atlanta - so this is so not my morning now. I just finished gulping my coffee and now have to run to be at the office by 8 a.m.

xoxo,
Bug

Keep It Simple

This is a photograph I took last week while I was out with Greg having a "Photo Challenge" afternoon.

As I was sitting here this morning looking through some pictures to create a calendar, I thought about this one again. It is funny, but it reminded me of something.

I recently saw an Industrial Psychologist for some career testing. We went a little deeper into our discussion and one thing he said really struck me...and has bothered me since because I don't know how to change it. He told me that I have deep trust issues with people. That I tend to do everything myself and keep myself slightly separate because I don't trust my wellbeing to another person. It makes sense that I do this, as other than my family, there has not been one person who has followed through on actions or promises they made to me to be there for me. I do not know what a safety net feels like.

You see, in my personal life this picture has become a reflection of me. I am standing off in the distance thinking that I am protected by a little sign I show people that says Posted - No Trespassing. I am having awkward moments getting to know the new man in my life. I tend to ask him open ended questions or just lay a line out there to see how he will react. Is he trying to trespass on my heart - or is he coming to tend a long overdue garden? I need to just remind myself that it is simple right now. I am not sure, but I do know that I need to remain relaxed and calm...observing from that barn in the distance, watching the gate....with a shotgun tucked safely under my arm just in case he is only coming to poach.... (o.k. ha ha I just had to add that in there because I am a big smarty pants).

Wishing you all a wonderful morning!

xoxo - Bug

For You

Saturday morning and music plays in the background. It is pure you. Your fingers move along making strings of song in the air and I adore you more with each expressive strain you play for me.

I don’t want to leave this house – and the wonderful company that I have found inside these walls. Walls filled with the sounds of the guitar and piano, and smiles and touch and goodness. It overwhelms my spirit to know that there is such a thing….as I had forgotten it – or rather put it away to try to forget.

Today is a simple morning, following a simple afternoon of hand holding and barn scouting and dog barking and a sunset on a small lake – you rushed to capture the light – I lingered to capture the moment – knowing it would not come again this way in the days ahead.

You are Sunsets and Tennessee and simple times and potential. You are the “old days” and the memory keeper and sweetness….you have reminded me of me…..of the importance of being earnest and simple. I have been missing that in my life. Thank you for holding up the mirror…

Tucked Safely In Jackson

Thank you for the smile on my face and the kindness in you. Thank you for the absolutely genuine sweet man that you are. I am impressed with you and the quiet strength you have.

It is rare that I am at a loss for words, but when it comes to writing about you, or telling people about you - I hesitate...wanting the smile I have and feelings inside to be mine alone.....

So, for all of you who log on to see where in the world I am this week....I am tucked safely in Jackson....Tennessee - with a man who makes me smile....and believe again.

xoxo,

Bug

Merry Christmas From Our House to Yours

At Home With My Family

Hi All - I am at home with my family and it feels good. We are out to run an errand while my daddy is at church. He is getting a new flat screen t.v. - hope he will like it.

xoox,

Bug

P.S. If you are reading this from Savannah - then I am thinking of you especially....right now.

Vignettes

This post is for me. It is just to remind me of the softness of love. It is to remind me to believe and to trust. These are photographs from the last time love and happiness were in my life.

Next week I have to take a few bricks away from the wall I have around me. I have to take a chance and step forward and it scares me. I pretend to be witty and bold, but it is just a front...like the way a bird puffs itself up to appear larger and more colorful.

You see, I am afraid of the unknown, I fear rejection a great deal. Meeting someone new is as intimidating to me right now as the thought of standing naked on Peachtree Street. I feel like I am exposing myself before I am ready to. I like hiding here and being safe. No one to hurt me or cause my heart to hope. I like the safety of one, I trust only myself.

But then there is this girl in me who wants to peek around the corner and see what might be waiting for me....so I will take these few steps forward and try to trust in what might be ahead...

xoxo,

Bug

Photo's Are Up

Before I head out to do errands and finalize details to clear my way for 2007, I wanted to let you know that I have posted my photographs from my trip on my photo site. Hope you enjoy!

http://www.ladybugpics.shutterfly.com

xoxo,
Bug

Tired...

I had a pretty busy day yesterday..and a rainy one at that...we were not returning home until 2:30 a.m. as one of Steve's godchildren, Laurent was playing at a local club here in Paris just off the Champs Elysees.

Since the drinking age here is 18, but no one checks anyway all the kids inside seemed to me to look about 12...and I felt like an old lady (well, an old lady with a much sexier body and better dance moves ;-) than the quasi-anorexic trend here in Paris...there were too many girls with protruding shoulder blades for my tastes...made me want to wrap them up and bring them home for some soup and to tell them that they need to just calm down...(mothering instinct)..Steve and I laughed about this on the way home in between singing "How Bizarre" from OMC and head banging to some old AC/DC "Highway to Hell"...yeah - those were the days!!! ha ha.

Before heading over to the club, we had a late dinner at this great little restaurant - family owned..everything was soooo good and it was really warm and cozy there and the drive over was amazing....I still never tire or get used to the absolute splendor of this city. It is truly as Hemingway put it "A movable feast" both for the tummy and the eyes. Everything lit at night - such pride in the buildings that are here - so much history that you feel the presence of those who lived here in the 17th and 18th centuries still. I can't describe what that feels like....I wish I could.

Anyway - I am hanging out in my fuzzy pink pj's right now and Steve is baking a cake - That Dutch boy can eat more than anyone I know!! I am not too motivated to get out and do anything today...except that I really want to go to the Monoprix - the grocery store. I get a kick out of looking at all the products they have and trying to figure out what some are...it is a fun game for me...which also means I have been here too often if I have seen everything there is to see in Paris and now just hang at the market - LOL.

I wish you all the best of days today.

xoxo,

Mel

Lazy Paris Afternoon